DAY 610

with gratitude

As this year comes to an end, I start to feel the need to review what it has given to  me, what I have learnt, what I have lost or accepted. However, as usual, my first step will be acknowledging what I am thankful for ... and there is not a  better day than today to begin to count my blessings, my little epiphanies, the small (or big) miracles that continue to occur in my life and the countless gifts.

I didn't grow up with this tradition of sharing what makes me feel gratitude although it is part of our Christian culture giving thanks to God for the good (and not so good) things, but this healing journey has made me embrace the idea of honoring my life through gratitude all year round and also in predetermined dates.

So here I am, ready for my own, personal, thanksgiving. No turkey or any other celebration, just this simple post as expression of gratitude.  To be honest, at this precise moment I have a huge list of things which I am grateful for, but if I had to mention just a few, I would choose the following:

- I am grateful for the person I have become. Sometimes, wind didn't seem to be blowing in the right direccion, but I have managed to arrive to a safe port where I can be the person I always knew I was aimed at being. This year I feel  this to be true more than ever before, and also I have the strong conviction that I am finally shinning with my own light

- I am grateful for my determination to be who I am, and for all the things that have come to meet me along 2016: for the clarity, the will, the boundaries and the authenticity, for my roots and my wings

- I am grateful for the incredible support that I have received from persons that I didn't even know a few years ago and now I call friends. It has made me realize the importance of what I have to offer to this world. And I am also thankful for all the persons (friends or not)  that along this year have reached me to whisper some way or another, "you are good enough"

- I am grateful for having listened my own inner voice and for defending my criteria in so many areas of my life along this year, either the professional life, the way I teach my student, my options at university or the decisions I have made regarding my mother's welfare, my relatioships, my creativity or my personal growing. I know this has helped me to build the life I truly want, that which made sense to my true essence

- I am grateful for this precious life of mine, because even with its ups and down, it is interesting and filled with love, kindness and dreams, and because I now feel that I have learnt to trust it fully

- And last -but not least- I am grateful for this tiny spot in the universe. And for all you.

Much Love dear friends and Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it,


Z. 

DAY 609

back to school

I am tiptoeing, slowly, trying to feel the old emotion, trying to rescue the old sense of anticipation.

Some days I wake up and I feel too old to feel amazed, too tired. Probably because  I have resolved so many pending issues, because I have gone through so much.

I thought this would make me be inspired, but I just can feel that I have seen too much, felt too much...  that I have lost naivety, and the desire to start anew.

Does wisdom have to do with it?, because I really feel wiser now, but  I feel also that I am convalescent.  I am recovering from the life I had  and I am somehow mourning the life I had not. And I am also trying to internalize my own transmutation, to assume this absence of fighting.

Today I have the serenity , the knowledge, the joy I longed for. Pain has stopped and suffering has faded away, but I cannot find the old impulse, the need to move forward.

Did it come from anger?. Did it come from the need of surviving?. I think so. It was the only way I could have overcome what I have lived, but now I had to deal with this exhaustion. 

It seems that I only can rest and wait, keep the practice and become aware of who I am now, what I want now, every single day.

I will adapt to live at peace. I am sure. I will let go the remaining effects of my struggle, and the sense that something is wrong because I don't feel the same. I won't be in-between anymore.

Meanwhile, I am tiptoeing, slowly,  looking inside me, searching through my inner resources, finding the lost expectation of the first day of school: the need to learn, to discover, to connect the points. I know this will help me. 

My students are waiting. See you in the classroom.

DAY 608

so there is courage in blooming...

Yes, there is courage in showing up once and again.

There is courage in living every day trying to be aware of what happens inside
while the heart stays wide open.

There is courage in embracing every single experience that comes to meet me
and in letting them go when they not longer teach me… or comfort me.

There is courage in starting a new page
without knowing what is going to happen,
and in making room for curiosity regardless of the old pain.

There is courage in becoming the person that I always dreamt of being,
and in being true to myself

There is courage in going through this existence without fear
-even when I am fearful-
one day and another,
and in doing my best regardless what others have to offer me.

There is courage in being myself without making excuses,
 and in giving up conditionings

There is courage in coexisting with myself peacefully,
in spreading hope by using only the fabric of my life
and in healing my wounds without any other remedy but love and compassion.

There is courage in me  when I  wake up slowly after another fail (or fall)
only to listen the tiny voice within,
to stand up for what I believe
or to make a flag only with light.

Yes, there is courage in me,
and there is also courage in you.

After yesterday's post, I experienced  some relief, and I realized that I should stop fighting. I thought this morning I would feel uneasy anyway, but I came up with this. Being kind with myself is not always easy, so I think this is a little step in the right direction.

Much Love

Z. 

DAY 607

relapses and reminders

Since I started this journey, every August I go through the same process.  Before the beginning  of holiday, I prepare a list of how to use well my free days in order to achieve all the goals that I have set aside the rest of the year. These lists are more intrincate every passing year and include goals that have to do with personal projects which cannot be developed while teaching at university, not only because my work is complex  (or I can be prone to procrastinate), but because they demand a state of mind that is not compatible with preparing classes, attending meeting, checking papers and so on. But as soon as I try to do it, I feel just exhausted.  

This  month hasn’t been a exception.  I have been the last ten days (in particular, since Monday)  struggling against this, trying to overcome it  by allowing myself to rest and feeling guilty at  the same  time.  Finally, I realized that I’ve been playing this same role at least during the last three or four years maybe because every single time, I  have forgot to include in my list things that have to do with making a pause. And  also that every single year my wiser self forces me to make such pause  some way or another.

Retrospectively I see that I could have been happier those days just by accepting my situation  and by acting accordingly.  This would have happened if  I would have been able to stop making (or trying to make),  and mainly if I would have been able to stop expecting, longing or  rejecting. Obviously, there is nothing I can do regarding the past days, but I am determined  (once again) to approach the following weeks more consciously… just because I know I can do it.

Yesterday, while  I was thinking of  writing this post, I came across this photo of a page of my journal. While looking at it, I became aware of  all the strategies I have developed  along my  life in order to keep that conscious approach,  and wondered why it becomes so difficult sometimes, and in particular every August. I came to the conclusion that the end of academic course  (and any other  stressing  situation) seems to be a good moment   for the perfectionist inside me to arise and generate all sort of expectations without taking into account my needs. Once I realized that everything fits into place.  

Today,  I am  feeling  how my energy is returning and I am sure that soon I will feel ready to do  what I had planned.  And even when I am  also sure that I still have to deal with this biased perspective which was developed as a response to  circumstances of my early life, there  is hope in my heart. 

Probably, because now  I don’t try to mend my actions (or reactions), I just accept them and keep going, trusting that I will manage to reach my destiny. 

I hope you are having an easy summer, dear friends.

Much Love

Z. 

DAY 606

I love this bend of my path

  It is not what I expected it to be, it is not safe or peaceful. It is complex and chaotic, and triggers moments of doubts. But it is thrilling and beautiful, too. It makes me feel deeply connected to the place from where I come and also quite inspired for the place I am ready to arrive.

Before, I used to think in different terms:  the place I wanted to leave versus the place I wanted to reach. Little I knew that as soon as I chose the word for this year (soar) that mindset would be drastically changed.  In fact, once I started to work on it months ago, I noticed that the idea of before and after -so to speak-  wouldn’t work. 

Quite often when we go through complicated events, we are prone to disown them, or the person we were at that moment, and we try to keep only the lessons.  It is a strategy that allows us to start healing but after some time (when we get better)  we feel that if we want to move forward, we should  reclaim ourselves wholeheartedly. 

Two months ago or so, I felt  that I was about to reach that moment. I knew  I had to immerse myself in the connection  between all I had lived  with the definition of myself from a  more authentic perspective in order to be where I dreamt of.

It was a sort of sudden revelation, and not  precisely a pleasant one, because I had the feeling that this couldbe a sort of repetition,  till I understood that Universe was giving me the chance to integrate  all my experiences in a more complex –and complete-  tapestry that was  still half-done. And so I have been doing.

I’ve been feeling this as a process of putting down roots. Also as a sort of restoration: by  trying to avoid pain, I erased many fundamental pieces that linked me to my origins and to the source of my essential energy. Without this protective support,  I have felt orphan, but now I am developing parts of myself downward. As a result, my wings have started to unfold. It may sound paradoxical but the more my sense of belonging increases, the more I feel that this will enable flight. 

Right now  I am  feeling a complex sense of heaviness or weight, an irresistible force of attraction to my own purpose and –at the same time-  I feel a lightness  made of pure joy, of pure grace.  It is as if I were on tiptoe, moving to a higher position, springing to the air, looking up, reaching heaven while  my core –my true self-  shines composed and a golden –endless- rope ties me to it.

I feel as if I were living on earth and wandering through air at the same time, an this is -believe me- a wonderful feeling that is leading me to amazing places from where I am planning to soar even higher. 

If you don't find me here, I'll be there... waiting for you.

Much Love to you, dear friends

Z.

DAY 605

at the right place

Inner peace can be elusive. One doesn’t expect this to happen after living much and accepting even more, after having let go so much and having experienced such a relief. One expects some tranquility, tiny respites that last a bit more. One expects to be able to call a truce with oneself. But expectations can be dangerous. They, indeed, create anxiety, the first enemy of calm and cloud our judgment. And when this happens, no matter how hard the work done has been, anger appears, and frustration reigns supreme.

Let me tell you that I have been feeling that way lately. After living some really changelling years where I have learnt to appreciate the great importance of staying true to myself, I've been trying to move toward new -and more meaningful- goals that are already clear in my mind and feeling totally exhausted at the same time (as I explained on my previous post). As a result, the usual “vicious circle” described above, began: the more I struggled against this fatigue or wanted to fit my preconceived ideas about what I should be doing, the more exhausted and irascible I felt, and the less composed. I started even to wonder what I was thinking when I chose the word soar for this year. However, before completing the whole circle and ending up immerse into self-pity or starting to feel like a miserable failure, this time I decided to ask for guidance and help first. And it came to meet me.

Suddenly I realized that maybe that tiredness was not a laughing matter (or was not only about resting), that maybe it was a way to make me pondering my next movement. I saw clearly that after so many inner changes now I am a person able to make the necessary outer changes, but I also had the strong feeling that I have to stay a bit in my base camp -so to speak-, before starting new adventures.

This has been quite difficult to grasp and to accept: adventures, projects, dreams, experiments (you name it) have been always my lifeblood, and I truly believe that they have saved my life. In fact, nowadays, I still don’t understand very well how I have survived to certain things. And although I guess it partly happened because I probably had the strength required, I also know that much of my impetus came from that desire of keep on walking. But in spite of that, along these weeks I have come to understand that I don’t need to be in survival mode anymore, that I have not to run away or to defend myself, that I am finally totally safe and I can enjoy what is yet to come.

This has been a great find (a tiny epiphany, I would say) not only because many conditionings are starting to fade away as a result, but because it has helped me to acknowledge that I deserve to be here, and this is –believe me- a true turning point.  And although this may  seem that doesn't make any difference, makes indeed a great difference, dear friends: now it is not only my inner compass which is indicating my true north, I am also facing the right direction.

DAY 604

so here I am

My blog may be quiet, but the inner movement persists. Amidst the chaos of the everyday life I am feeling a flow of changes that go in several directions. I starting to go over new territories that are far away from my comfort zone, and feeling the need to create in a more systematic way, to develop a more consistent body of work, to connect my images and words through a predetermined argument, to stop doing this sporadically. 

Right now every single time I start to create (either privately or while participating in a working group, an online class et cetera) I feel the urge to examine some recurrent topics, to develop images able to illustrate certain stories… it happens even without noticing, even when prompts or discussion have little to do with them, even when I take photos or start to write without thinking much. 

It is something that comes from within, something that  has been awaiting to be showed, that cannot stay untold anymore and now is emerging.  I’ve been observing quietly what I have been doing and I have identified two big guidelines so far: 

One of them is about creativity, self-expression and inner voice. It is about all those things that makes me want to move forward, things that help me to stay linked to my true essence. It is about attaining joy and connection. It is about a sense of expansion. 

The other one is about healing, conditionings, self-knowledge and heritage. It is about ancestors and position, about gifts and secrets. It helps me to see that I am here for a specific reason, to understand better my life. It is about conquering peace and calm. It is about a sense of belonging. 

Those two big topics have obsessed me since I can remember, but it has been along the last years that they have been appear in a more explicit way. And I think I am ready to try to explore them thoroughly.  

I still have to think about concrete projects that will develop them, but I am trying to take it easy: I am recovering from what last year gave me (losses but also the chance to liberate myself and let go all the things that were moving me away from authenticity) and I feel exhausted. 

Even so, I can’t take the idea out of my head. I feel that this will drive me to the place where I want to be in this moment of my life. I know that this is the path that I have to follow in order to open myself to the world. Trough them I would be able to do what I want to do: help others to explore what make them move forward or acknowledge their mission in this world by using my images and words. 

I think that having limited myself to those two lines, and having described them is a decisive -yet tiny- step, and I am happy. I feel that it couldbe great. That it will work, but I don’t want to end up frustrated due to my lack of time (teaching at university can be demanding) or even more tired than I am right now. So although I  want to act as big as I dream, I am trying to accept that being overly hasty won’t be good for me.

However, I am planning to keep taking baby steps in the upcomming weeks… and to keep trusting that this will lead me to the life I dream of.  

DAY 602

the beginning of something

There is a feeling inside me that is telling me that things are going to change. It has nothing to do with a well articulated reasoning or with a careful analysis of data, it is something much more visceral, more intuitive (related to my mood and my energy) that advices me that I am getting closer to a shift in my life, to a positive turning point.

Somehow, after a long process where what I have been done was based on my will power, on the practice, I am opening to the evidence that all what I was longing for is actually here. I can barely explain this, it seems to me that I am starting to wise up to the tricks that were preventing me to see my path. And I am listening –again- the little voice within that says “It is time”.

And indeed, it is time!. Time to move forward and start a new stage; time to let go old conditionings and beliefs; time to give up the destructive idea of perfectionism, and the useless image of myself; time to stop being reluctant and to be intrepid; time to abandon complexity and drama; time to get ready for the dreams the universe has for me; time to open that new door and get involved in this new episode that is about to start.

I am opening my eyes to new possibilities deliberately, and this is giving me the determination (or the predisposition) to embrace them without an ounce of laziness and to act accordingly. It may seem that nothing is moving or growing on the edges of my life, it may seem that I am turning my back on these changes because I keep with my ordinary life and still deal with the same trivialities and everyday challenges. It may seem that I am only fooling myself, but if you come with me deep inside, where my essence inhabits, you will find yourself in the eye of a hurricane.

In that place nothing can disturb or distort my vision. There I can see clearly my destiny, my purpose, the force that has led me here. No matter If I think that I am not doing enough, if the thousands things I have to do push me in the wrong direction, or my concerns make me feel downhearted. No matter if I stop to smell the flowers, if I opt for some sacrifices in the name of love or if I spend some time here and there. No matter if some days I feel tired and I see my wounds wide open again, or if I am only able to take baby steps or if I forget to trust my process blindly... because the universe has a plan, my soul has a plan, and they do trust blindly my capability. So, some way or another,  I am developing it, achieving its goals which -curiously enough- coincide with my most cherished dreams.

Am I lucky?

DAY 600

farewell, 2015

I've been planning to write a post about 2015 for some time now. After pondering this and that, I decided to keep it simple as I am determined to use my time more wisely, and to be less conditioned by my ego's needs to be perfect. So here I am, a bit late, mainly because I need to close what I would define as a challenging (and life-changing) year. At this point, many of you know well some of the experiences that I have had to live, so I am not going to speak of them again. I am going to focus on how my life has been transformed by them.

I have had to cry much during 2015. I have done it silently, privately, inconsolably and openly. I started the year determined to be more authentic, so I didn't ignore or conceal my sorrow, my sadness. On the contrary, I lived with it -went through it-, not only after the passing of my friends (or my dear cat), but also along their process of leaving this existence. I was there and I talked about it, I allowed myself to feel the pain, the fear and even so, I offered them my unconditional presence.

By doing that I experienced a sort of catharsis. I felt how my shell (the old carapace that was covering my heart) started to –finally- crack. It was like an end of an era. After all the inner work, I was feeling free!.

I still am not sure why this happened. Maybe it was the shock linked to every loss or the sense that the time was limited; maybe it was the acknowledgement regarding the triviality of many of my efforts versus the greatness of life and death... maybe it was my moment.

Maybe, through the hollows of the broken fabric of my life I accidentally glimpsed how future could be. I don't know, but I had an insight into the reality of my existence and the reason for being here.

And I understood that I would never be the same. I wouldn't pretend not to be myself anymore or disown my gifts ever again. I understood that I would keep listening my inner voice but without any shame.

I realized that vulnerability was leading me to a turning point. I realized that I had to pay tribute to light by awakening and by creating enlightenment regardless of my doubts. That there was a force inside me that was claiming to be out, to bloom, and I had to allow it to do it.

I understood that I won't disguise my essence from now on.

Today I know that I have to soar -leave my old place- and walk over in order to greet the truth of who I am. And that’s what I am doing.

DAY 589

in {and out} Week 24: New

Seeing that someone else is doing what my mother used to do so well in the past triggered contradictory sentiments in me. Those sentiments appear in particular, when I see how the things she used to use have to be replaced because they are too old or are not functional anymore: the table mats, the towels, the bedspreads, the lines where she hung the clean washing to dry, the clothespins.

When I am back home and I find those new things instead of the old ones my heart aches. It happens every single time. I long for the old objects (even the simplest ones), I long for  the old pace and the old routines. I long for the person my mother used to be... even when I adore the person who is right now.

After almost three years, I still feel new to this situation,  I still feel new to my role because I haven't come to this place and position (according to which I am responsible for taking care of my mother and for supervising her caregivers) till recently. After almost three years I still feel new to those feelings, to this new way of living which indeed it is not.

I know this is not bad, that thanks to all this she (and my brother) are having such a peaceful and joyful time. I know that it is only a new stage which is different from the former one but not worse, that it has its own beauty.

I know it... but my heart (which is new at it) experiences a dull pain every time I have to tackle a new change. My silly, silly heart cringed when saw a lonely wooden clothespin almost forgotten among the plastic ones.

And even so, I opted for capturing the bright, blue intruder because it is the sign of the new order of things. And I honor it.

I honor it.

This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 587

in {and out} Week 22: Heat

The heat started this year the same day she passed away or at least, this is my perception. Along the previous months, every time I was thinking about that possibility, I felt the heat. I don't know exactly why... maybe due to the diagnose, maybe because deep inside I knew she wouldn't live too much, maybe because regardless of all those facts, I had the hope that she would be able to live the first months of the summer, that I would be able to enjoy her company a few weeks more.

But my dear, dear, friend crossed to the other side of this existence a few days before the season would have officially started. That same day I felt a real heat and it was a foretaste of the solstice that was coming... the first solstice without her presence here.

I was not ready to start a new summer, not after all the things I have had to live this first semester of the year, not after losing most of the certainties I used to have. Not after having relinquished to the old sense of continuity. Not without this so loved friend (and the another sweet friend I lost at the beginning of the year and my precious cat who left me less than two months ago).

I was angry with the blue sky that shined brighter than ever before just the day after I had to say goodbye. World, people and in particular, this planet seemed so impassive to me!. She was not here anymore, but the heat continued its relentless progress and I felt it was detestable.

However, one morning I woke up very early. The day was starting and it was quite fresh and after opening the kitchen's window I paid attention (for the very first time in days) to the big firmament and I felt amazed. I forgot my pain for a second, I understood life and death from the viewpoint of this old mother earth and I felt released. I appreciated the pristine atmosphere and I thought of my dear friend who would have liked to delight in a morning like that once more time. I took a deep breathe and smiled for a second.

I know she had to go. I know it was the right moment (if this moment exists) because she couldn't keep living in so much pain (and she didn't want to). I had the incredible privilege of meeting her (I was only twenty five years old back then) and of having gone with her along her illness and I am thankful for this but I am going to miss her wonderful soul my whole life.

I still cry a lot but from that moment in front of the kitchen's window I have started to remember all the beautiful things we lived together...  and to reconcile with the heat, with myself and my presence here.

This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 582

in {and out} Week 17: Flowers

I am almost a newcomer to photography. My husband always thought that I could develop my creativity through it, but I only started to contemplate that possibility after having my first digital camera and taking an on-line class about self-portraiture (almost by chance). Once that happened, I began to explore the world around me with the camera in my hand and I realized that I just loved it. 

Photography has been a delightful activity along the last four years, it has helped me to improve my inner work which is quite important to me, but it has also permitted me to figure out how my creative mind works.

When I was young  I aspired to develop an artistic career (something that I never did), so I though a lot about what I should create and always the same type of things came to my mind: something impressive, complex or very profound from an intellectual point of view. But when I started to create I wasn´t able to make something like that. I created things that were symbolic and very detailed, precise, well executed and even imaginative but not intense or dramatic. Professors encouraged me to develop my talent but I simply couldn´t believe in it. I concluded that I had not what an artist needs and this (along with another issues) prevented me to look for specialized training. I kept creating but I choose to study education instead of arts.

When I started to take photos on a regular basis,  soon I felt drawn to certain kind of images and compositions. And soon, my prejudices about the advisability of that approach arose. I wanted to take street photos, black and white portraits, images that would reveal hidden aspects of society but once again I was caught up in contradictory feeling.  My mind wanted to try all that,  but my heart was fascinated with simple scenes of the domestic life, with little graces of everydayness and often fell victim to nature´s charms.

A voice inside my mind shouted for pain every time I took a photo following my heart.  After every click of the camera´s release, I had to listen: "Flowers, birds and cups of tea again, seriously?", but I was overflowing with joy and my creativity was increasing, so I learnt to ignore it, something I was not able to do when I was much younger. This allowed me to explore and refine my style and to admit that I am a person oriented to understand the whole picture through the close examination of all its details.

Now I don´t refuse to be who I am. I  pay attention to what often gets unnoticed, appreciate what is part of my daily life and compose using average items. I try to highlight the extraordinary in the ordinary, I like little things and I have come to accept that  I prefer to capture a fallen leave that a whole forest, an almost withered flower that a whole sophisticated bouquet. 

Through all this process I have brought to light what my soul needs (literally and figuratively) to grow -regardless of the resistance of my mind and my ego- and therefore, I have learnt to appreciate what I love to capture.

 I have learnt to appreciate what is unexceptional and unremarkable; myself and the life I live;  the mundane and the humble trifles that make my life easier, and much more joyful.

I have learnt not to expect what is unusual or striking to be happy and to honor the unexpected beauty that always find when I go over my path.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 580

in {and out} Week 16: Spring Selfie

I´ve been wearing mostly black, since January. In fact, during all these months I have only worn black or grey sweaters with jeans or black leggings; black jackets and anoraks;  black high leg boots with high heels, flat short boots or ankle boots; black, ochre or grey scarves and black or tortoiseshell sunglasses. The only exception to this rule has been a coat with a subtle animal print, silvery or golden accessories and pearls. I´ve been doing that not only because I felt very sad after some important losses, a few unfortunate events and many changes, but because I needed to feel strong and confident and and black always makes me feel this way, it´s good for me.

I think this fixation has its origins in my early life. When I was a girl, black was not considered an adequate color for kids. It was too formal or too gloomy but I always found it appealing. It was the color of grief, it´s true: the image of persons dressed in mourning is part of my childhood -in particular, widows-, but it also symbolized sophistication, elegance, allure and even certain intellectualness and a rebellious mood (at least, to me). So, as soon I could, I started to wear it and I felt much more refined and worldly-wise than I really was.

As a result, this color is a sort of thermometer that allows me to measure my mood. When I am happy and in high spirits, when reaffirming myself is not important and my charm and grace don´t concern me, when I feel strong enough and self-reliant, when I deal with life at ease and I am accepting it with joy... in short when I am well-balanced,  most of my black clothes stay inside my wardrobes. But if the need arises, I know I can always resort to them.

This time I thought I wouldn’t be able to stop wearing them. Talking with my mother a month ago or so, I mentioned this to her and she guaranteed me that the joy would be back now and again, even after her time to leave me come (she said). Her argument was plain and convincing: not one person would have survived if this were not true. I knew she was right (she had to confront the death of her husband, her mother, a sister and a brother apart from many other emotional losses within five years), so I prepared myself to wait.

As my mother predicted, joy is returning to my life little by little this spring. And so calm and acceptance are doing. When a week ago, I was a bit reluctant to wear black, I knew that it was the definitive sign of readjustment I had been waiting for. I still don´t feel like wearing very spring-like outfits, I still need black to go out there... specially to work, but when I go for a relaxed walk or while I am quiet at home with my journals I choose vibrancy. I choose faith. I choose hope.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 578

regaining awe

I was about to leave the park when I saw a glimmer of purple next to my trail. I realized that alliums were flowering again. I got closer and look at the emerging buds carefully, slowly.

Their stunning beauty took my breath away and suddenly –just for a brief second- I felt like if I were alone in that moment, without past, without future… lost in that glimpse of the perfection of life´s cycles…  caught up in the presence of impermanence.

And during that brief second all the thoughts and wishes and dreams and desires stopped.

And the whispering voice with all its "do, do, do; wrong, wrong, wrong; more, more, more..." fell silent.

And the trivial competitiveness, the remains of anger, the fair concerns, the fading insecurity, the vast uncertainties, and the tireless fright were dismantled.

And the need to be right, to please, to demand approval… and the fear of not being enough ceased.

It was me and the flower.

And while I was looking hard at that unexpected miracle I knew that I was back to my path.

I acknowledged that I was ready to carry on with my practice, ready to continue teaching myself to take delight in little things, to preserve joy, to treasure a feeling of wonder over and over and over again.

DAY 577

in {and out} Week 14: Spring

Spring has come so timely this year!. 

You may say that spring always starts the same day and it´s true, but I mean that spring has been very welcome in this moment of my life. The start of the year was a hard winter to me, not only meteorologically speaking, but from an emotional point of view. I had to go through some devastating losses and as result, I felt not only terribly sad and tired but also, totally away from what usually inspires me: I only wanted to cease from all activity.

What I was feeling was not that alien to me, but I had always struggled against that state of mind setting new goals, and this time I simply couldn´t find enough energy to do it. I felt bewildered, disconcerted (and so the persons around me were). I felt that I was going to fall into despair, that I would go deep into a hopeless land but one only things happened: stillness… a vast, stunning stillness. It could have led me to a definitive listlessness but surprisingly, created room for reflection and allowed me to connect with my true essence.

Retrospectively, I can see that during this challenging time I didn´t force myself to make things, to start new complex projects or to stay busy (this would have been me my strategies in previous stages of my life). I just stood still and this –paradoxically- created renovation. I permitted myself to be embraced by this concrete process and that made me realize how much I force myself to do things that I really don´t want to do.

Benevolence to myself was a sort of light blinking in the darkness that presaged the termination of my winter. Finally, it has come to an end and accidentally (or maybe not) it has coincided with the end of the solstice.

Right now I want to get lost in this promising spring, stay open to new intuitions and strengthen the flood of life and joy that I feel inside me... but I am not going to do it hastily. I am going to penetrate into this sweet spring on tiptoe, softly, slowly (yet steadily) till I find the propitious soil to keep growing and plentifully flourish.

This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 576

authetincity

Every year I choose a single word that usually helps me to define my inner work throughout it. Often I find difficult to select the right one but this time I knew that my word for 2015 would be authenticity since the beginning of December. I felt that the time to stay totally true to myself had come and I was ready to try it, maybe because my 50th birthday was near.  I hadn´t thought too much about the word, it was a sudden revelation, it came into my life without asked for permission and I accepted it gratefully. 

I was planning to write about my commitment to stay authentic when the year started but I suffered an important loss in January (and new ones in the upcoming months), and I didn´t feel like writing about my word, or about my circumstances either. In fact, I don´t want to talk openly about it yet. 

I have questioned my need to stay quite many times. I wondered why I was not able to share my feelings here or why I was so reluctant to look for new possibilities or ways to overcome my quietude, my loneliness, my sadness… why I was not fighting against all this through new activities,  why I want to be isolated in my little world by myself… why I was not demanding consolation...

I blamed myself on being so strange till I understood that I was simply embodying the word that had hit me months ago. I was simply giving a concrete form to authenticity by allowing myself not to be strong and competent and constant and careful and diligent, by allowing myself to act according my own vision without considering social conventions, others expectations or even my own criteria about how I should behave, how I should be.

And suddenly I realized that this was indeed a new twist of my inner work. Being authentic was leading me to distinguish in a much more accurate way between the stereotyped image of myself that I had perfected along my life and my true, highest self, to distinguish what really moved me from attachment or prejudices, passion from ego.

I never meant to reexamine the manner I deal with suffering or unease when I chose this word back in December. In fact, I thought I was already clear about this issue, about my responses related to caring or fighting. I never meant to peel a new layer off my conscious only to discover that after letting go many conditionings I still had to keep doing it, that (after this big, long journey) I still want to rescue, save and redeem the world (how arrogant can I be!).

But it happened… and thanks to this, a time of sorrow has become much more significant. Now searching for this kind of authenticity is part of my daily practice and I am planning to go more deeply into it along the next months.

I would like to have you all by my side, your support means a world to me.

Much Love, dear friends

Z.

DAY 575

in {and out} Week 13: Easter

I have thought much about this entry of the project. I am not a religious person, I was not raised to be practicing, even when my mother was it, so I have never felt compelled to follow any creed although I deeply respect those who do have those beliefs.

This made difficult to find a right approach to this theme since Easter is itself a Christian celebration and I live in a place with important Judeo-Christians (and specifically Catholic) traditions. In the very beginning, I didn´t feel comfortable with illustrating the rituals that rule this time of the year according to some fixed ecclesiastical patterns, I preferred a more secular interpretation, so I explored other possibilities.

I considered many other aspects of Easter in order to write about them, moreover I also thought of playing with a more delightful imagery. In the end, painted eggs and lovely bunnies are much sweeter than Our Lady of Sorrows or the Death of Jesus upon the Cross. However I always ended up thinking about crucifixion and resurrection, not only because all this is part of the shared story with my mother and part of my culture, but because all this truly appeals to my spiritual side.

So after forgetting some of my reluctance to embrace this point of view, after letting go some of my preconceived ideas about myself and, in particular, about how I like to show up here… after doing all those things and more, in the Good Friday, I headed for a church and stayed there for a while.

The atmosphere was really stunning and strikingly peaceful. The light, the silence, the flowers, the beauty, the messages about salvation and redemption, about rebirth and forgiveness, about love and kindness spoke loud and clear to my soul. I find hard to share many parts of Christian doctrine or Catholic liturgy, and I think I have prejudices about organized religions (most of them related to bigotry, intolerance, abuses or falseness) but I resonated with the essence of the message nevertheless.

Sitting there, quite and tranquil, free from harm, I realized how lucky I am to have had the chance to know about all this as a child, without being pressured into adopting any religious faith. I too realized how clever my mother was by doing things that way. Her mindset made me free to explore my spiritual side without restrictions (I had not the sense that I was abandoning anything), to welcome new perspectives and viewpoints when the right moment came but, at the same time and maybe paradoxically, it helped me to go depth into it without fear, just because I was already aware of being spiritual despite my preferences, behaviors, experiences or attitudes, my mistakes and my wise choices, the sense of unease or my erratic pace.

And sitting there, quite and tranquil, free from harm, I gave thanks.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 573

in {and out} Week 11: Blue

When I started this path I found many advices about the great importance of getting rid of mess disorder, complications etc.

Once I understood the concept, I realized that it went beyond being organized, and insisted on the dangers of continuous accumulation and also, that it was related not only to a physical aspects, but also to emotional and psychological dimensions.

I soon connected it with my personal grow and acknowledged its links with the healing process that I was trying to develop so I added this idea to my inner work. I, little by little, started to check different areas of my life and believe me, I was amazed by the things I discovered.

I found out, behaviors, attitudes and thoughts that were not useful anymore. Old preconceived ideas and beliefs -that once were part of my life- haven´t been discarded and stayed active creating a distorted perspective. I had many prejudices about myself and about how things should be, which were essential in previous stages and had become obstacles. And I uncovered an ancient anger that was undermining all my creative, vital energy.

All that stuff was the material of which my surviving was made; indeed it was part of the strategies I built up in order to deal with my wounds and some traumatic events, but those remaining scraps were just causing weakness and was creating confusion.

While I was focusing my efforts on this analysis, I also discovered the strong link between those patterns and the more tangible (and visible) accumulation and I noticed that if I wanted to cleanse some blockages and accomplishing some goals I had to clear my entire life.

I went through my wardrobes, my drawers and any corner of my home and what I saw clarified not only that link, but also the fact that it went in both directions. As a result, changes in both fronts (inside and outside) were needed.

I accepted that I had to free myself of unwanted or unpleasant things and issues but I realized that I wouldn´t be able to approach that process if I did not accept that I was a true (yet not systematic) collector.

I collected memories, scenes of the past (even when they could be painful), dreams no matter if they were obsolete or unfeasible, fragments of conversations and feelings that could drive me to a concrete moment of my life. I had a great yearning for the past that could have been and did not exist. And last, but not least, I collect any kind of objects, many related to my story, many that tried to evoke the life I wanted.

Becoming aware of this makes also clear that I had to have rule that could help me to distinguish what should be relinquished and what should be kept, because I simply didn´t want to start totally anew.

My rule is extremely simple, and I continue to use it till today: all things (tangible or immaterial) that generate pain, bewilderment self-deception, stagnation, negation... connect me with senses of self-disdain, invalidation, anger and self-pity,  or make me reject my life and my story must be abandoned (or transformed). All things (tangible or immaterial) that promote joy, acceptance, clarity, creativity, a sense of belonging and of being loved, the need to surrender to the present moment, authenticity, generosity and hope, must be preserved. 

I apply it in daily basis and it works. It has led me to give up some obsessions and dear possessions, to radically alter my life and my surroundings, to reinforce (or look for) only what creates beauty inside and around me, what makes me better, what makes me free, what makes me happy.

Color blue, two teapots each of one holds a story, one of my journals, a tiny cup (the only survivor of a group of six), an old serviette made by my mother and a simple, peaceful gaze may seem not to be that important but they allow me to be who I really want to be.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 558

50

As you may already know it was my 50th birthday past week. As the days have  passed I have started to feel the urge to make a sort of assessment but I was no able to find an appropriate approach.

Finally, this morning I came up with this. They are just fifty random (and immaterial) things that happened to me along my first fifty years of life. They are not logically organized. They don´t summarize all my experiences, either or narrate a complete or coherent story, they are not even the most important or interesting, but they are for sure, some of the more decisive.

 They can seem recent facts or achievements, but they are not because even when I have faced some of them along the last decade they have been present in my life –some way or another- since my earlier years. Indeed I truly believe that this birthday is also a turning point as I have completed and closed many pending things from the past. I hope so. I celebrate it.


1. I have learnt how to deal with my feelings

2. I suffered and have overcome suffering

3. I understood the great importance of setting boundaries

4. I have learnt to love myself to love another

5. I stopped abuse and I liberated myself

6. I healed my past

7. I have developed a personal practice based on spirituality

8. I accepted guidance and asked for what I need

9. I have prayed a lot

10. I made contact with my inner power

11. I have tried to embrace my demons (keep trying)

12. I gave thanks to those tyrants in my life and I am letting them go

13. I have learnt how to live in the present, day after day (even when sometimes I am tempted to give up)

14. I understood that baby steps counts

15. I´ve been wrong about many things

16. I have had to accept the mind-body connections

17. I acknowledged that perfectionism is a way to run away (I am now a recovering perfectionist)

18. I made decisions and then, I forgot them and had to start again but this showed me how to live in process

19. I have forgiven myself for my weaknesses and my naivety and for handing over my own power

20. I understood why I should trust

21. I decided to restore a healthy sense of self

22. I have listened and been listened

23. I have questioned my conditionings

24. I discovered the allure of ordinary things

25. I have had to apologized and this taught me humbleness

26. I have appreciated everydayness almost every single day

27. I have tried to help as much as I can and have been helped a lot

28. I started to run after light

29. I resolved to cultivate mindfulness

30. One day I decided to rely on my soul don´t know exactly how or why

31. I started to consider myself a survivor, nor a victim

32. I have accepted that teaching is the voice of my soul

33. I started to practice authenticity and pay the consequences (all positive in the medium term)

34. I have cherished memories and mementos

35. I am trying to keep my journey (and my inner work) no matter what people said

36. I have laughed

37. I have dreamt a bit (maybe not as much as I have would liked)

38. I have –little by little- spread my wings

39. I have appreciated both calm and storm (I have gotten no choice!)

40. I expected miracles and miracles happened

41. I have loved (and being loved) much

42. I have created so many things… including life that is meaningful to me

43. I have walked my path with a joyful heart most of the days

44. I am internalizing why is so important to abandon those (both circumstances or persons) that try to invalidate me and I am exerting myself to act accordingly

45. I have had great masters

46. I have been arrogant and stubborn. It took me so much to bow down to my destiny, to love this life of mine as it is, but I am learning to do it

47. I have met kindred souls

48. I have learned to hear the messages of the spirit

49. I am realizing that I have to tame my ego if I want to be happy

50. I have come to understand that finally everything had to be exactly as it was