DAY 596

in {and out} Week 30: Red

Vibrant colors are related to strong emotions, and in particular, red represents joy and passion. Even when I can be joyful and passionate, those colors wouldn’t be easily linked to me. Not only because I don’t wear them usually, but because they are quite expansive and this is not my case.

Colors are codes, ways to send messages to the persons who are around us, and when I am in a social situation I don’t feel like attracting much interest or I prefer to be seen as a person which is serious and responsible rather than spontaneous or fun (something that is not false). However, this changes when I am at home. There, I don’t fear to reveal my creativity, my love for mixing styles, my need to extend my energy and personalize every single detail. There, I am not so conventional, and all the rigidness turns into freedom.

I have thought much about this apparent contradiction, I have wondered if I am more close to be my real self at home than outside, or if I should try to overcome the gap between those two spaces. But I have come to the conclusion that beyond the natural impact that being in a social -or private- place has on our behaviors; beyond the game of mirrors that we all can play, the masks and the strategies that we all (me included) develop in order to survive in this planet, I have to accept that I am an introvert and this makes me prone to be reserved and discreet (not shy).

This means (among many other things)  that it takes me a bit more time to show up in social contexts. That is part of who I am, part of my nature and it doesn’t make me less valuable or capable of achieving my goals, or less competent when it comes to understand what is happening around me, to analyze situations, respond to them (even from an emotional point of view) or help others, although I have to follow my own path while doing it.

In short, I move at my own pace but I don't need to compete against no one (even when this society often seems to reward or promote extraversion) or to act at the commands of others. Of course,  there is plenty room for improvement, but I  want to evolve while staying true to my own nature. I want to cultivate my own system for being assertive, showing empathy, leading and managing situations or making myself visible while I keep loving solitude, silence, dark colors, wandering along my inner landscape or  thinking too much... without starting to give opinions too fast, to become too expressive or to show off in front of strangers. 

There is nothing wrong with that but  I choose to be present in this world in a way that I can respect and  honor my truth.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 569

in {and out} Week 8: Small

Right now, I cannot imagine anything better than being me. When I found out the germ of this idea going round in my head I felt very confused. I had been considering myself a work in progress for so long that I couldn´t understand why suddenly I was flirting with that kind of thoughts.

I was not sure at all about what could it mean, so I contemplated many possible explanations: ego, fear, resistance, negation… you name it, all of them aimed at keeping my perception of who I was: someone who should be improved, but, to tell you the truth, no one worked. Every time I explored one of them, a voice whispered “no, no, no” inside me.

This way, that odd conception started to turn into a conviction that I couldn´t ignore. I tried hard to keep myself from noticing it but it prevailed, and I had to accept the fact that I was starting to feel at ease with the person I was. As soon I permitted this sentiment to grow stronger I realized that I was getting rid of my inner emphasis on “self-improvement” that was simply exhausting. And also, that maybe that´s how a real self-esteem should look like.

I still have fears and doubts and room for enhancement and even the need to fight against the same old things and flaws in my character. I still am prone to perfectionism and to anger. I still feel that there are many things in this planet to grieve about. And more times than I would like to admit, I can´t find an ounce of compassion in my heart. But I have come to understand that all this and all the good that I find in me, belong to the same reality.

I don´t ought to be a never-ending battlefield in order to be able to appreciate myself. And this doesn´t make me more arrogant, conceited or vain, only more self-confident in a very particular way.

I know I am a single, small individual amidst the magnitude of world´s problems, global challenges, my own yearnings and the mysteries of the universe.

I know I am just a single, small piece of the complex puzzle of this moment in human history.

I know I am just a single, small soul looking for her path, trying to know how to live a life on purpose while dealing with the vast meaning of this existence.

I know I am just a single, small ship adrift in the huge flood of time...

And even so, I know I am enough.

Even so, I know I count and act accordingly.


I know I count and act accordingly


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 515

rationale of change

...And suddenly, everything is here again:

the fear, the pain, the sorrow;

the anguish, the insecurity and sense of no belonging.

Suddenly, the emotional turmoil comes back anew and all the strategies, learnings and tricks seem to be useless,

faded,

obsolete.

One feels that it´s time to start from the very beginning and thinks of not being able to fight the same struggles  all over again.

And then, without knowing why, one tries a new approach: one stops resisting and starts to embrace. And everything changes.

I did it: 

I stopped running to catch peace. I stood still, turned back and looked at what was chasing me. And I said YES.

Yes, here I am feeling fear, and pain and sorrow;

here I am with my anxiety and my doubts,

here I am feeling that I am falling apart.

I named my feelings. I held out my hand to them... and suddenly, I realized that there was not nothing bad or good about them.

They were just feelings that were there to describe how life had made me feel time ago, attracting attention, but they really didn´t want me to consider them, but myself.

They were there just to create acknowledgment, consciousness... what a special turning point!

Now every time one of those feelings visits me again, I bow down to them in sign of respect, because I know they are here to reveal new dimensions of my true self.


PS: I´ve been madly busy. Hope to be updating my blog on regular basis next week. Happy Weekend.

Much Love

Z.

DAY 365+130

notes to the child I was

Long ago the inner self was close to the surface and inner wisdom -the kind of wisdom we all have inside- reigned supreme. Life was easier because of the feeling of being part of something bigger and wonderful and somehow divine. But little by little that wisdom (who came from many lives of learning) started to be hidden under layers and layers of fears and the resulting conditionings. It started to be forgotten because the wisdom was too big and the brain too young and inexperienced. And also because in order to be improved, that wisdom must be revisited, recreated, and it must be put to the test.

Without it, life seemed incomprehensible and many of the strategies that were developed in order to survive were hurtful too. Some of them were effective but damaged you deeply and helped to create a fortress where the true self remained captive. This created a sort of dissociated identities: one was outside, one was inside.

As you grow up, this situation prevented you from feeling at ease with yourself but also lead you to look for answers and new options making you evolve till becoming the person you´re (I am) today who has being able to heal the wounds, to achieve dreams and to explore acceptance, respect and love.

I think you would be proud of that person. She is recovering your naivety, your sweetness; she is learning to forgive on your behalf and to vindicate your beauty. Now she knows, what you always knew: she is destined for being happy and developing a soul´s journey.

She has managed to break the wall between inside and outside. Little by little a tiny aperture is appearing, the outer self is going inside and is taking ownership of the internal room, and the inner self is going outside and is learning to be visible. Integration is occurring.

I think you would like to know that. Now you can rest and smile and play, forget the pain and feel finally safe.


I am still updating my self-portraits page, you can see them here

DAY 365+125

hearts beating together 

"When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it's bottomless, that it doesn't have any resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless. You begin to discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much space."

Pema Chodron

I am still updating my self-portraits page, you can see them here

DAY 365+123

on the safe side

Our back and our front are our obverse and our reverse and what we choose to show indicates our attitude. 

Here I am, with my back turned to the whole world, facing toward my own path, and not because I am impolite or inconsiderate, but because I need to survive, evolve and emerge and now I know this is the only way I can do such things. 

Here I am, with my back turned to conditionings, other´s criticisms, negative energy, the unfair rules, the polarized thought, the absurd categories, the unjustified pain... and to abuse, and manipulation and lies.

Here I am, facing forward, to the place where the persons who love me know that I´ll dwell, where compassionated support takes place, where confidence can be claimed and wounds mended, where creativity, and faith and joy reinvent themselves every single day.

Here I am…

I am still updating my self-portraits page, you can see them here

DAY 365+121

shared nap

I am learning to rest more and make less. This is being a great challenge to me because planning things, assuming responsibilities and achieving goals is the way I assess my merits. As I am writing this, I am realizing that maybe it makes you think I have an hectic schedule that doesn´t allow me to enjoy things, undertake relaxing activities or devote time to myself. And that´s not true. Sure enough, I have a busy schedule but I also manage to keep on with my job, my inner work, develop creative tasks, or having quality time with my family and friends. It is a matter of priorities. 

I usually find time to do everything I am determined to do, even appreciating the ordinary moments. The secret is simple: I don´t do things that I don´t consider important in a given moment and I don´t stop. In fact, I move from one activity to another following an endless program which is not always explicit (it´s in my mind) and includes many levels, areas and tasks and I have not time to get bored.

Don´t get me wrong, I am an inquisitive and introspective person and once I learned that I have to deal with my self-demanding attitude, this never-ending agenda pleases me and gives me a sense of fulfillment. But even so, I am learning to rest more and make less.

And rest, in this context, means making room for having unplanned moments, moments where I permit myself to be set adrift, following the pace of the day without duties and even without wishes or dreams, without expectations at all. Just listening what life has to tell me, just observing what comes to meet me, the hidden chances… and what is more important, feeling myself and noticing my body and all the sensorial information that I have been ignoring till now.

It is not being that easy. To be honest, it is being tough. However I continue to try it. Let me tell you why:

I find that those “blank moments” -where I don´t check my (real or mental) lists, where I am not concerned about being productive (in de widest and nicest sense of the word), where I only feel challenged to be and breath-  allow all the things I consider sacred to settle down and to be even more present in my life, and this makes me preserve the strength and the focus, feel more grounded and balanced.

So here I am. Learning to rest more and make less. Starting to keep in step with life.

DAY 365+117

in a bird´s eye view

From above things can be a bit different. 
What seemed big, ends up being not so big.
What seemed isolated is connected. 
What seemed relevant is fleeting. 
What seemed the whole world is only a little isle. 
And what seemed eternal is already dying. 

From above proud and vanity and fear 
are tiny or not so impressive 
and so, our defects are 
and what we think is imperfect 
and our demands… 
but our light shines even brighter. 

Perspective changes perception, distance (literal and metaphorically) gives some wisdom 
and favors gratitude: 

I am so thankful today for having a body that allows me to enjoy this experience that we call life, eyes to see and mouth to smile.


PS: I am starting also another self-portraiture journey throughout October. You can see the photos here

DAY 365+114

I am starting

to retrace what I walked, 
to unlearn what I learnt, 
to forget what I was determined to remember,
to regain what I lost,
to overcome what marked me, 
to understand what has no explanation, 
to welcome what before I found awkward,
to forgive what I thought I would never forgive, 
to honor what I have lived.

I am starting to untangle what has been knotted with much tenderness, just to go back to myself: 

the place that I shouldn´t have left

PS: I am starting also another self-portraiture journey throughout October. You can see the photos here

DAY 365+113

tribute to change

This is my photo-heart connection of September.

This summer I have taken lots of photos outside along with my husband. We have started to share this activity so we have gone to explore with our cameras quite often. On the other hand, I have taken also many self-portraits because I took an on-line class about this subject that gone beyond any of my expectations (see the photos here). Both were delightful ways to develop my passion for photography while carry on with my inner work, but when September arrived I felt the urge to have some quiet time alone with my camera and still subjects. Not only because I needed to focus on this kind of composition where one can play with many variables, or because I needed some contemplative solitude, but also, because I wanted to go deeply into what I had learned. 

What I had done along the summer had given me a better confidence in myself, in my options, in my conception of life and in the way I wanted to express myself;  I was taking pleasure in this new sense of self, feeling that I have never respected (loved) myself this way before and I wanted to try if this was related to photography as well. And so, I did.

I still can remember the day. The light and the tranquil pace of the morning. My sweet disposition. The lack of criticism. And how, after any single click of the camera, I felt pleased with what I was doing, with that moment and -last but not least, although much more unusual- with the person I was.

I have suffered a few minor relapses after that. I have felt again that I am not good enough (I wonder if this is in my blood),  but I truly believe that now I have a new foundation from where I can battle against this. And it is not disappointing me. 

Loving myself a bit more is indeed what people says: the ultimate practice.