DAY 609

back to school

I am tiptoeing, slowly, trying to feel the old emotion, trying to rescue the old sense of anticipation.

Some days I wake up and I feel too old to feel amazed, too tired. Probably because  I have resolved so many pending issues, because I have gone through so much.

I thought this would make me be inspired, but I just can feel that I have seen too much, felt too much...  that I have lost naivety, and the desire to start anew.

Does wisdom have to do with it?, because I really feel wiser now, but  I feel also that I am convalescent.  I am recovering from the life I had  and I am somehow mourning the life I had not. And I am also trying to internalize my own transmutation, to assume this absence of fighting.

Today I have the serenity , the knowledge, the joy I longed for. Pain has stopped and suffering has faded away, but I cannot find the old impulse, the need to move forward.

Did it come from anger?. Did it come from the need of surviving?. I think so. It was the only way I could have overcome what I have lived, but now I had to deal with this exhaustion. 

It seems that I only can rest and wait, keep the practice and become aware of who I am now, what I want now, every single day.

I will adapt to live at peace. I am sure. I will let go the remaining effects of my struggle, and the sense that something is wrong because I don't feel the same. I won't be in-between anymore.

Meanwhile, I am tiptoeing, slowly,  looking inside me, searching through my inner resources, finding the lost expectation of the first day of school: the need to learn, to discover, to connect the points. I know this will help me. 

My students are waiting. See you in the classroom.

DAY 607

relapses and reminders

Since I started this journey, every August I go through the same process.  Before the beginning  of holiday, I prepare a list of how to use well my free days in order to achieve all the goals that I have set aside the rest of the year. These lists are more intrincate every passing year and include goals that have to do with personal projects which cannot be developed while teaching at university, not only because my work is complex  (or I can be prone to procrastinate), but because they demand a state of mind that is not compatible with preparing classes, attending meeting, checking papers and so on. But as soon as I try to do it, I feel just exhausted.  

This  month hasn’t been a exception.  I have been the last ten days (in particular, since Monday)  struggling against this, trying to overcome it  by allowing myself to rest and feeling guilty at  the same  time.  Finally, I realized that I’ve been playing this same role at least during the last three or four years maybe because every single time, I  have forgot to include in my list things that have to do with making a pause. And  also that every single year my wiser self forces me to make such pause  some way or another.

Retrospectively I see that I could have been happier those days just by accepting my situation  and by acting accordingly.  This would have happened if  I would have been able to stop making (or trying to make),  and mainly if I would have been able to stop expecting, longing or  rejecting. Obviously, there is nothing I can do regarding the past days, but I am determined  (once again) to approach the following weeks more consciously… just because I know I can do it.

Yesterday, while  I was thinking of  writing this post, I came across this photo of a page of my journal. While looking at it, I became aware of  all the strategies I have developed  along my  life in order to keep that conscious approach,  and wondered why it becomes so difficult sometimes, and in particular every August. I came to the conclusion that the end of academic course  (and any other  stressing  situation) seems to be a good moment   for the perfectionist inside me to arise and generate all sort of expectations without taking into account my needs. Once I realized that everything fits into place.  

Today,  I am  feeling  how my energy is returning and I am sure that soon I will feel ready to do  what I had planned.  And even when I am  also sure that I still have to deal with this biased perspective which was developed as a response to  circumstances of my early life, there  is hope in my heart. 

Probably, because now  I don’t try to mend my actions (or reactions), I just accept them and keep going, trusting that I will manage to reach my destiny. 

I hope you are having an easy summer, dear friends.

Much Love

Z. 

DAY 601

soar

Usually when a year starts a word comes to meet me. When I first realize that it is by my side, I often don’t understand why. I even try to avoid it, thinking of words that probably would be much more adequate. I simply want to stay away from it, because deep inside I know that it will generate profound transformations in my life and I fear the consequences.

This resistance only makes the word more persistent. In fact, the more I resist, the more it persists. And then, one day, suddenly, I feel that I can embrace it. My determination has been eroded and I listen its calling. When this moment arrives I know that my word is going to introduce me to challenges and opportunities and I am ready to follow it regardless of my initial reluctance.

I truly believe that the word comes to meet me because there are parts of my true self that still must be unveiled, unraveled. Parts that have been hidden or forgotten, parts that have been masked although they are essential, parts that are gateways to more growing, more consciousness and more joy. Parts that are needed in order to keep evolving and to manifest my true purpose here. Parts -in short- that will help me to define better my vision, to create ways to make it real. And even so, every single year I repeat the same crazy dance, the same ritual before allowing it to come in my life.

This year my word is "soar". When I first start to hear it, I thought that I didn’t deserve it, that I was not good enough to make it mine. But later on I understood that maybe this was the reason why it had arrived in my life. And so it was. I have so much to offer inside me, so much to say and to share, that I am going to collapse if I don’t let go my repressing attitude and find the way to do it.

This first month I’ve been working on this word, owning it through my inner work,  letting its energy change things. I feel that indeed I am starting to soar, leaving behind old conditionings about my own worth, about success and failure, about why I do things. And I have come to the conclusion that I don’t need permission to be myself, to do whatever I want.

I am re-claiming the artist, the spiritual teacher and the healer inside me. I am making them more visible, giving them a protagonist role in my life, allowing them to lead my journey this year without restrictions or shame. I still have some doubts, but when they appear, a tiny voice whispers: you are destined to fly… no matter if you feel that your wings are broken. You will soar higher and higher.

And I believe it.

DAY 594

in {and out} Week 28: Summer Selfie

When I started my summer vacation this year, suddenly all seemed to be irrelevant. I left my personal habits, this blog and many other things just abandoned. The photos taken, the posts unfinished, the doubts unresolved, the dreams suspended. I experienced the urge to try new things, to join new challenges, to dare to explore what I felt was waiting for me. Little I knew that I would spend most of the days just resting.

Yes, I’ve been learning that I can experience serenity beyond meditation, my inner work or any other practice. And from this accidental calm a new path has started to emerge; from the days I couldn't even leave my home a new clarity has stormed into my life; from the long afternoons alone with my thoughts (and my fan) a new direction has become manifest, and so very evident.

After the first half century of my life (oh, gosh!), after all the grief I went  through the first semester of this year, I am realizing that I am finally able to do what my soul has been yearning for. After a whole half century, I feel that I am finally ready.

The problem was that once this unexpected (and powerful) catharsis started to take place, I couldn't imagine how to make a comeback, how to start again here in this old place when I feel so changed… but finally this self-portrait (taken one of those days) gave me an excuse –so to speak- to restart this conscious practice. So here I am. 

This is a new chapter of my life. I still am not sure how it will take shape, but I know that I will be much more devoted to my inner quest and my creative endeavor. I know that all the things I have always wanted to accomplish regarding these aspects will come true. I do know it. 

I will be reporting the evolution of this tiny revolution. Hope you all will unravel this thrilling episode with me.

Much Love, dear friends,

Z.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 586

in {and out} Week 21: Abstract

The way that my photos and my texts mix together to create a consistent unit doesn't change very much every time I undertake this task but it never ceases to amaze me.

I often start with the capture of the image without a preconceived idea in mind about how the final result should be. I only prepare a scene (if I had to respond to this challenge) or let my eye leads me to what can be interesting or appealing and I play with the factors that are at my disposal. Even when I have to promote this mood consciously in the rest of my life, in this specific area it comes to me naturally… maybe because I feel in my element while creating.

Later on, the image suggests me a text that can be related to some recurrent themes or to something completely new. It can happens while I am taking the photo, along the post-processing or when I look at the final product, but I always can feel how a budding story line tries to emerge, how words that share a common thread come to my mind and I prepare myself to express it in writing.

All this process can be quick or can take more time depending on many aspects of it. This time, while I was shooting one picture after another, I was mainly concerned by emphasizing lines, shapes and colors rather than specific forms in order to create an abstract image. It was being a bit challenging but even so, while I was manipulating objects trying new compositions and new ways to focus the lens of the camera, a tiny, incipient, story started to develop.

Seashells were part of my childhood. Not only because I grew up by the sea, but because my father was an avid collector before my birth. In a given moment he got rid of his collections (I don't know exactly why) but there were some pieces at home and my mother preserved it after he passed away.

Looking at this image I can see the abstract creation that the challenge required and also, an abstraction of those early years because it somehow show how his passing (when I was only five years old) affected our lives and in particular, my life.

His death, all the unresolved issues that he left behind (that nobody, not even my mother, knew how to tackle at least not in a healthy way) and the resulting consequences, undermined many things inside me. It was not an immediate event, it happened gradually and insidiously. When I reached adult age I felt totally eroded inside regardless of what might be observed from outside. All the emptiness created by what I had to lose to survive, was filled with anger, and pain and fear.

I had to confront my past to take them outside and now I have all those charming nooks and hidden holes, all those odd angles and unexpected edges. I am learning to appreciate their beauty because it is the only way I have to move forward. 

I am learning to keep them clean, to let the wind and the light go through them, because I don't want them to be blocked again with the anger (or pain or fear) that still come to meet me when life becomes hard. 

I am learning to stay present and in the present, to stop revisiting the past and let go the “whys”, because there is nothing more to analyze, nothing more to be unraveled. 

In short, I am learning to focus on the things I have to complete, on the built-in issues that my story has: patience, tolerance, forgiveness, playfulness, dreams, acceptance… instead of on my need to make things better through demanding (and self-demanding) attitudes.


I am learning... 

I am just learning.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 584

in {and out} Week 19: Antique

The last time I visited my mother, I brought the camera with me. I was thinking of taking some photos of a very old and beautiful porcelain pitcher that she inherited from her mother. I prepared the scene on my bedroom's bedside table and shot a few photos when I realized that I needed something else to improve the composition. I remembered having seen a box of old postcards inside my closet. I knew that my mother had put it there and it contained postcards that we had bought along some travels, visits to museums and so on. When I found it, I noticed that there was another box under it, I opened it and it was full of papers that actually were mementos of my time in the high school. There were also lots of letters sent by me to my mother during my first year at university.

I opened the antiquated envelopes and there I found sheets and sheets filled with my handwritten words. I glanced at some of them and read some paragraphs here and there, taking time to enjoy the wording, to analyze the way I used the terms to express what I was living or report my mood and suddenly,  I realized that I was witnessing the emergence of my adult being: I could feel the dreams of a better future, the concerns, the need to accomplish and to have control;  my determination to be independent and to be conventional, predictable, reliable in order to achieve approval; the way I was taking charge of my life, of my sentiments and of other's responsibilities... the way I was trying to fulfill other's expectations... the way early experiences and conditionings were starting to take a toll on my life.

I was only eighteen years old when I wrote them but the person who I would become was already there surrounded by naivety and joy and hopeful anticipation and wishful thinking. All the things mentioned above would result in highly self-demanding attitudes in the following years. They would result in excellence, in sadness and sorrow, in lack of boundaries and in the admission of abusive behaviors. In short, in the attempt to repress my true self.

I can hardly relate to this antique being that was arising from my infancy and has lived with me till recently. I cannot relate to the child I was, either. I can hardly relate to the way I behaved or to many of my priorities. I cannot feel anymore the heavy burden that I was always carrying or the sense of not belonging here with its dull pain. In fact, all this seems to have fallen into disuse. All this seems to pertain to an ancient era.

Of course, I remember the good moments, I celebrate the learnings, I cherish my strength, I treasure the love and guidance that have supported me and made me evolve and I appreciate my path. I can see also a common or unifying thread going through all my story, that helps me to identify what has been (and is) true and authentic in my life, my genuine self... but most of what I found in those letters (except for this unshakable thread which is made of faith and creativity and trust and passion and connection) belongs to a bygone era and as it is said: let bygones be bygones.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 581

full confidence

I have a personal journal where I mainly write down ideas about projects that I have in mind and I don´t want to forget. I have written many journals along my life most of them were made to reinforce or strengthen self-knowledge and new attitudes, to explore my feelings, but I also used some of them to explain stages of certain plans. However,  this is a bit different: I only write rough drafts, I don´t go deeply into any issue, I don´t add many details, concrete actions or dead-lines.

Considering that I teach projects planning at university, the idea of creating a journal about projects and don´t explain and develop their phases,  is quite difficult to me,  but reduces my need to achieve, my perfectionism and self-demanding attitude. It is an easy way to start without rush or sense of obligation and this -at least in my case- liberates tension and energy and promotes confidence. I only entrust my dreams to Universe and await for instructions (please    don´t tell my students!).

After describing a project I draw a square and I doodle around it. After this I write a question inside it that summarizes its true aim, that often is quite far away from material desires or specific expectations. Guess what? It works. Conditions to develop the projects (in very unique and even inconceivable ways) soon appear and they start to evolve easily  and without setbacks or side effects.

I don´t know exactly why this is happening.  I suppose that there are some moments in our lives when we are yearning for something and after demanding it we obtain exactly what we want without requirements or “traps", just a continuous progress from one stage to another without pain or effort, only joy, calm and a sense of flow. These moments occur when we are deeply aligned with our higher self… when we start to request exactly what makes it visible, instead of what empowers the ego. Once this happens we can evolve through love, communion with grace and a wisdom that goes beyond our own knowledge.

I´ve been finding myself involved in this kind of placid pace since I am keeping this journal. I am sure that it´s not the only reason why this is happening (I have learnt so much lately!) but it has become a sort of symbol of this new sense of alignment, of a new attitude. 

I trust the goodness of this path. I feel that I am learning to move toward my goals in a more relaxed (yet efficient) manner that is also more pleasant... more carefree and cheerful and much more consistent with the person I am right now. And this, my friends, makes me immensely happy.

DAY 576

authetincity

Every year I choose a single word that usually helps me to define my inner work throughout it. Often I find difficult to select the right one but this time I knew that my word for 2015 would be authenticity since the beginning of December. I felt that the time to stay totally true to myself had come and I was ready to try it, maybe because my 50th birthday was near.  I hadn´t thought too much about the word, it was a sudden revelation, it came into my life without asked for permission and I accepted it gratefully. 

I was planning to write about my commitment to stay authentic when the year started but I suffered an important loss in January (and new ones in the upcoming months), and I didn´t feel like writing about my word, or about my circumstances either. In fact, I don´t want to talk openly about it yet. 

I have questioned my need to stay quite many times. I wondered why I was not able to share my feelings here or why I was so reluctant to look for new possibilities or ways to overcome my quietude, my loneliness, my sadness… why I was not fighting against all this through new activities,  why I want to be isolated in my little world by myself… why I was not demanding consolation...

I blamed myself on being so strange till I understood that I was simply embodying the word that had hit me months ago. I was simply giving a concrete form to authenticity by allowing myself not to be strong and competent and constant and careful and diligent, by allowing myself to act according my own vision without considering social conventions, others expectations or even my own criteria about how I should behave, how I should be.

And suddenly I realized that this was indeed a new twist of my inner work. Being authentic was leading me to distinguish in a much more accurate way between the stereotyped image of myself that I had perfected along my life and my true, highest self, to distinguish what really moved me from attachment or prejudices, passion from ego.

I never meant to reexamine the manner I deal with suffering or unease when I chose this word back in December. In fact, I thought I was already clear about this issue, about my responses related to caring or fighting. I never meant to peel a new layer off my conscious only to discover that after letting go many conditionings I still had to keep doing it, that (after this big, long journey) I still want to rescue, save and redeem the world (how arrogant can I be!).

But it happened… and thanks to this, a time of sorrow has become much more significant. Now searching for this kind of authenticity is part of my daily practice and I am planning to go more deeply into it along the next months.

I would like to have you all by my side, your support means a world to me.

Much Love, dear friends

Z.

DAY 573

in {and out} Week 11: Blue

When I started this path I found many advices about the great importance of getting rid of mess disorder, complications etc.

Once I understood the concept, I realized that it went beyond being organized, and insisted on the dangers of continuous accumulation and also, that it was related not only to a physical aspects, but also to emotional and psychological dimensions.

I soon connected it with my personal grow and acknowledged its links with the healing process that I was trying to develop so I added this idea to my inner work. I, little by little, started to check different areas of my life and believe me, I was amazed by the things I discovered.

I found out, behaviors, attitudes and thoughts that were not useful anymore. Old preconceived ideas and beliefs -that once were part of my life- haven´t been discarded and stayed active creating a distorted perspective. I had many prejudices about myself and about how things should be, which were essential in previous stages and had become obstacles. And I uncovered an ancient anger that was undermining all my creative, vital energy.

All that stuff was the material of which my surviving was made; indeed it was part of the strategies I built up in order to deal with my wounds and some traumatic events, but those remaining scraps were just causing weakness and was creating confusion.

While I was focusing my efforts on this analysis, I also discovered the strong link between those patterns and the more tangible (and visible) accumulation and I noticed that if I wanted to cleanse some blockages and accomplishing some goals I had to clear my entire life.

I went through my wardrobes, my drawers and any corner of my home and what I saw clarified not only that link, but also the fact that it went in both directions. As a result, changes in both fronts (inside and outside) were needed.

I accepted that I had to free myself of unwanted or unpleasant things and issues but I realized that I wouldn´t be able to approach that process if I did not accept that I was a true (yet not systematic) collector.

I collected memories, scenes of the past (even when they could be painful), dreams no matter if they were obsolete or unfeasible, fragments of conversations and feelings that could drive me to a concrete moment of my life. I had a great yearning for the past that could have been and did not exist. And last, but not least, I collect any kind of objects, many related to my story, many that tried to evoke the life I wanted.

Becoming aware of this makes also clear that I had to have rule that could help me to distinguish what should be relinquished and what should be kept, because I simply didn´t want to start totally anew.

My rule is extremely simple, and I continue to use it till today: all things (tangible or immaterial) that generate pain, bewilderment self-deception, stagnation, negation... connect me with senses of self-disdain, invalidation, anger and self-pity,  or make me reject my life and my story must be abandoned (or transformed). All things (tangible or immaterial) that promote joy, acceptance, clarity, creativity, a sense of belonging and of being loved, the need to surrender to the present moment, authenticity, generosity and hope, must be preserved. 

I apply it in daily basis and it works. It has led me to give up some obsessions and dear possessions, to radically alter my life and my surroundings, to reinforce (or look for) only what creates beauty inside and around me, what makes me better, what makes me free, what makes me happy.

Color blue, two teapots each of one holds a story, one of my journals, a tiny cup (the only survivor of a group of six), an old serviette made by my mother and a simple, peaceful gaze may seem not to be that important but they allow me to be who I really want to be.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 570

in {and out} Week 9: In the morning

Oh, how I would like to getting up at the crack of dawn and do all the things that so many persons do as a way to start their day energetically and with order!. But I am not that kind of morning person. I have never been and I am not sure that I´ll be some day. As a result, my mornings are not made of an ongoing sequence of well planed routines aimed at making me more efficient.

I admire very much those early-birds that have time to follow them before carrying out their daily tasks or duties and seem to be so extremely invigorated. I don´t believe I´ll be able to be so organized some day, I guess that my biological cycles and inner processes don´t help me very much during those hours.

So my mornings tend to be a bit lazy, a bit languid in the best meaning of these words. I am not a sleepy head but I need my mornings to be unhurried. I need my mornings to be quiet and slow. I need my mornings to be a transition between the peace of my house and the hectic pace of the outer world, a rhythmic period of silence between the noises of my professional life. I need my mornings to be gentle...  and I try strenuously to keep them that way. In fact, I postpone all my responsibilities as much as I can in order to enjoy mornings on my own

Since I always have had a mindset oriented to achievement and productivity my mornings has been a sort of guilty secret pleasure but little by little I have come to understand that they are a sacred territory where I explore my inner world, my creativity, the development of my daily practice;  a precious place where I take care of my soul by cultivating awareness and empowering serenity… a priceless moment where I stay with myself and alone in this life of me without fear or rush.

Now I praise my chaotic and wondering mornings where I make pauses and waste time and experience the grace of doing nothing or at least, nothing (from the viewpoint of the rest of the world) very important or big or transcendent just only mere trifles that -to tell you the truth- I find awe-inspiring. 


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 568

in {and out} Week 7: Carnival

After doing tons of inner work and trying this and that. After going through many tools and techniques created in order to improve the healing process and giving them all a try. After coming across new wounds that I didn´t even know and understood new layers and layers of my own story. After restoring a sense of self and letting go many old habits and creating new ones... In short, after feeling –once and again- that I was almost “there”, I used to have the sense that I still had something to do, something to mend, something that needed to be purified, a new aspect of my existence that I wanted to make clean. And I started again.

But a day came and I felt that I didn´t want to analyze once more time what was incorrect or misplaced, what could be better, what should be enhanced. That day came and I felt that the only thing I wanted to do was blessing, embracing, celebrating my life as it was, that the only thing I could do was validating myself as I was. And suddenly I realized that I didn´t want to be anyone else, I was not willing to live my life as if it were a perpetual carnival.

It was a shocking, miraculous, day when I woke up and felt that what I had, what I had achieved, the person who I had become, the life that I had constructed from ashes should be enough. Please, don´t get me wrong, I was not closing the door to new levels of understanding or learning, I was just stopping my endless chase for something that made me valuable, I was just reckoning my efforts as fully adequate, I was just validating my path and rejecting the fact that I had to keep trying to fit in a preconceived idea about spiritual elightenment or pretending it.

That day I decided to go back to the basis, regardless of my need to explore new ideas and to figure out the puzzle of consciousness. That day I abandoned an old mask that was related to perfectionism and competitiveness, to the importance that I gave to exactness and to demonstrate that I was right. I started to bow down to my reality and to stay true to the essential practice that had always supported my process: meditation, attention and presence, emotional awareness, connection and appreciation of guidance, acceptance and gratitude.

The fall of this concrete mask, has made me more oriented to simplicity, more humble and also more generous, open and authentic. I have discovered that just focusing on staying here in this right present moment is more than sufficient, that I don´t need to prove who I was, who I will be or who I want to be, either.  

I only had to be by ceasing my fight.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 564

in {and out} Week 4: Winter selfie

The world outside is always calling us and it seems that we have never enough of it. There is always new events that are about to happen, new places to go, new trends to follow, new people that are worth meeting…

Our curious brain -which is often overly stimulated thanks to market strategies- feels inevitably attracted to it. Our ego that wants always to be in charge finds there the best place to make an impact and stands out. Even our sweet heart, always adventurous, always in the search of love, throws itself into it, yearning for a kindred spirit.

Only the soul remains impassible, reserved… aloof. Only the soul can observe without running after what it offers. Only the soul can analyze and stay balanced. Only the soul cannot be controlled by arrogance, need of approval, resistance and fears. Only the soul knows how to bow down, how to embrace and stay detached, how to live passionately while being serene, quiet.

When we start a process aimed at connecting with our true self, we channel our efforts through what is outside, not from the soul. It may sound paradoxical, but we can only do it this way because we need guidance and feel encouraged by others experiences. However, we must be cautious. As soon we start that journey the ego feels that its power is being questioned and begins a sort of boycott. It can be very evident, but it can also be subtle and the brain and the heart will be involved. Emotions and reasoning will compete or collaborate, sometimes in order to discredit all the process and sometimes to distort its nature making it something that is related to success. As a result, in a given moment, we become avaricious and we lose connection.

Either if we feel disappointed or maybe mesmerized by our own abilities, we are lost in the ego dirty tricks. This can make all our work a bit tedious or irrelevant or frivolous or in short, useless. However, if we don’t give up, finally we´ll realize that there is a tiny part of us that keeps the calm amidst our ups and downs. A tiny part of us that is patient and precise and not easily manipulable and wants to live that experience of being with ourselves in a real way.

I´ve been trying to empower that tiny part of me which doesn´t see all this like an external entertainment and I have learnt that it demands to live in seclusion. It demands silences and pauses and slowness.

This is not the pace of the external world, no matter what its slogans say, that’s why I frequently need to shelter in home… alone with my soul.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project.  

DAY 562

in {and out} Week 2: Winter

Winter is maybe the hardest season. It is the most austere –so to speak- and forces us to focus on the essence of things. A bare, withered, branch doesn´t caught our attention almost immediately. It is not like a blooming bouquet of flowers or a carpet of red leaves, it hasn´t got their evident allure, it is severe and plain, unadorned, but if we take the time to go beyond appearances and stereotyped ideas about beauty and life (and death), we´ll realize that it is appealing anyway.

Learning to appreciate this kind of bare simplicity has connected me with a more contemplative mood from where I have started to embrace the reality (and the gifts) of life cycles and to accept with humbleness (and even joy) what comes to meet me.

This is helping me to lead a more authentic life which is not oriented only to conquer success or approval but also to self-realization, to the fulfillment of my true potential.

Obviously, acknowledging that life is fleeting, that birth and death happen continuously and this changes it all every single time but doesn´t disrupt the mechanics of this universe is shocking. Coming to the conclusion that the only thing we can do is accepting the loss and its lessons and become ready for the next season is painful. Learning to do it with gratitude, treasuring the sweetest memories and letting go the anger and the bitterness can seem to be improbable… but it is possible. Honoring the process through which detachment occurs by keeping love and compassion in our hearts is indispensable.

Today I know that a new spring will come and with it a new hope will revive. May I never forget what I have learnt along this winter. May the serenity it has brought to my life can endure.



This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project.  

DAY 561

in {and out} Week 1: The start

As a person oriented to achievement I love (and fear) starting new projects. Even if it´s a project aimed at having fun, even if it´s a project shared with a good and loved friend, even if it´s a project that has been expected for a long time… regardless of its importance or transcendence I long for its beginning and I feel frightened of it anyway.

I have come to understand that it happens because I feel every new project (the biggest and the tinniest) as an aptitude test that I had to pass thanks to the perfectionist inside me. And although when this hasn´t prevented me from starting new projects once and again, it has caused me lots of suffering.

However, since I recognized my cognitive biases all this has become much easier. Likewise, my neuron are prone to try old connections and to make me feel overly concerned about ridiculous things but I am learning to ignored them and I am becoming much more benevolent to myself.

I still am an achiever (to be honest, I still am a perfectionist also) but now I don´t let this issues to rule my life despotically. Life is too short to be always in the search for approval or feeling miserable. Life is too short to give up serenity, peace and joy. Life is too short to let the wounds of the past or the expectations about our future define our present. I am too precious to let preconceived ideas and conditionings ruin this day.

So here I am, a bit late, feeling thrilled and a bit unsettled. Here I am the first day of this new project where I will share a photo every week along with my very best friend, Montse Gallardo. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We are planning to share them on our respective blogs. we have created also a Facebook page that you can see following this link and where I will be publushing only in Spanish so far.  I am sure we´ll introduce improvements gradually here and there, but something won´t change: Every Sunday we´ll share a photo of our view of 52 themes that have been previously decided.

So here I am. I can´t wait to see how this project will evolve and now that finally, I have opened my heart to this possibility I can´t wait to start the next chapter.

DAY 560

So I am here to celebrate. Reviewing 2014

When 2014 started I decided that it would be a year of celebration. It made sense to me not only because I would be 50 years old at the end of the year, but also because this would be a good way to proclaim my place in this world, to praise my journey and finding new reasons to keep on walking my path.

Along it many things have happened and many times I thought that I should have chosen any other word except celebrate, but as the days went by I started to understand the true nature of a year devoted to celebration.

In fact, when the year started I thought that would be great to make visible my celebration mood. I made plans and set goals. But soon, the year had an unexpected twist and unbelievable things started to occur one after another. Some of them where just unforseen, some hard or truly painful and made my plans and goals simply irrelevant. I had no the time or the willingness to approach them:  the Universe lets me alone with my bare proposal and challenge me to celebrate anyway.

Also it may seem incredible, I was able to do it. Not in the well prepared and intricate mode that I planned, but in a simple, rough-and- ready way. My ego screamed and told me once and again that I was wasting my time. After all, our new year proposals can be (among many other things) a way to claim approval… but I turned a deaf ear to it and kept on doing it. 

And I did it. I did it!. Even in the darkest days I managed to find a pinch of hope, something to be thankful for, a lesson to learn... new perspectives, unexpected gifts, things to improve, things to enjoy... glimpses of the spirit… in short, reasons to celebrate. 

Amidst the chaos of my overloaded working days, I honored the chance to share what I have learnt (personal and professionally) with my students. Even when I was often tired and disappointed with university policy and the way the institution makes decisions, I have learnt to celebrate my role of professor and all the good things they can teach me. 

Amidst the complicated circumstances of my personal life (my husband was working outside the country nearly nine months), I honored the chance to cultivate calm and to be much more flexible regarding my expectations. Even when I felt overwhelmed and lonely some times and felt that I had many responsibilities, I have learnt to celebrate our love, myself, my strength and my brand new ability to let go drama. 

Amidst the hard health issues my friends were facing, I honored the chance to help and to be there for them. Even when many days I was sad and downhearted, I have learnt to celebrate life, my life, their life, and our powerful relationship.

Amidst the ageing process of my mom, all the changes related to it and all the work I have to do in order to keep her (and my brother) living at home, I honored the chance to give, to make their life easier and practice compassion. Even when I am totally frightened more times than I would like to recognize, I have learnt to celebrate every single second of our life together, and this existence as it is, with beginnings and ends, calms and storms, ups and downs.

It has been a year of complete acceptance. I have been able to say Yes! to what was happening to me in a given moment, to stop judging life even when events and circumstances were not so propitious as I expected, even when they caused me pain. 

Hoever, it has been a silent celebration. It has transformed in sacred all what has happened and has made me experience strong emotional and spiritual feelings for my life… a sort of deep communion with it.


Do you want to know more about my review of the last year? Please, follow this link: 
2014 in photos and words

DAY 558

50

As you may already know it was my 50th birthday past week. As the days have  passed I have started to feel the urge to make a sort of assessment but I was no able to find an appropriate approach.

Finally, this morning I came up with this. They are just fifty random (and immaterial) things that happened to me along my first fifty years of life. They are not logically organized. They don´t summarize all my experiences, either or narrate a complete or coherent story, they are not even the most important or interesting, but they are for sure, some of the more decisive.

 They can seem recent facts or achievements, but they are not because even when I have faced some of them along the last decade they have been present in my life –some way or another- since my earlier years. Indeed I truly believe that this birthday is also a turning point as I have completed and closed many pending things from the past. I hope so. I celebrate it.


1. I have learnt how to deal with my feelings

2. I suffered and have overcome suffering

3. I understood the great importance of setting boundaries

4. I have learnt to love myself to love another

5. I stopped abuse and I liberated myself

6. I healed my past

7. I have developed a personal practice based on spirituality

8. I accepted guidance and asked for what I need

9. I have prayed a lot

10. I made contact with my inner power

11. I have tried to embrace my demons (keep trying)

12. I gave thanks to those tyrants in my life and I am letting them go

13. I have learnt how to live in the present, day after day (even when sometimes I am tempted to give up)

14. I understood that baby steps counts

15. I´ve been wrong about many things

16. I have had to accept the mind-body connections

17. I acknowledged that perfectionism is a way to run away (I am now a recovering perfectionist)

18. I made decisions and then, I forgot them and had to start again but this showed me how to live in process

19. I have forgiven myself for my weaknesses and my naivety and for handing over my own power

20. I understood why I should trust

21. I decided to restore a healthy sense of self

22. I have listened and been listened

23. I have questioned my conditionings

24. I discovered the allure of ordinary things

25. I have had to apologized and this taught me humbleness

26. I have appreciated everydayness almost every single day

27. I have tried to help as much as I can and have been helped a lot

28. I started to run after light

29. I resolved to cultivate mindfulness

30. One day I decided to rely on my soul don´t know exactly how or why

31. I started to consider myself a survivor, nor a victim

32. I have accepted that teaching is the voice of my soul

33. I started to practice authenticity and pay the consequences (all positive in the medium term)

34. I have cherished memories and mementos

35. I am trying to keep my journey (and my inner work) no matter what people said

36. I have laughed

37. I have dreamt a bit (maybe not as much as I have would liked)

38. I have –little by little- spread my wings

39. I have appreciated both calm and storm (I have gotten no choice!)

40. I expected miracles and miracles happened

41. I have loved (and being loved) much

42. I have created so many things… including life that is meaningful to me

43. I have walked my path with a joyful heart most of the days

44. I am internalizing why is so important to abandon those (both circumstances or persons) that try to invalidate me and I am exerting myself to act accordingly

45. I have had great masters

46. I have been arrogant and stubborn. It took me so much to bow down to my destiny, to love this life of mine as it is, but I am learning to do it

47. I have met kindred souls

48. I have learned to hear the messages of the spirit

49. I am realizing that I have to tame my ego if I want to be happy

50. I have come to understand that finally everything had to be exactly as it was

DAY 556

insight

When I first started this journey I used to have so many expectations. So many beliefs about all the things that I had to change, achieve, conquer or demonstrate

I used to have so many preconceived idea. So many beliefs about what would make me happy or proud of myself or pleased with my life.

I used to have so many prejudices. So many beliefs about what kind of experiences were worth living, what kind problems were worth thinking about, what kind of behaviors would increase my self-worth

I used to have so many opinions. So many beliefs about myself, about my own importance, my past, my future, my present, my life.

I used to have so many needs. Need to do the right thing, need to fit, need to be approved, need to be loved, need to be perfect, need to be forgiven, excused and also, compensated

I thought that my inner work would prove that I was right, would give me the power to success and to achieve self-satisfaction, the ability to make unquestionable decisions, would make me be more valuable… better than others, I thought that maybe it would redeem me but it has showed me that I was totally wrong.

It has showed me that my expectations, preconceived ideas, prejudices, opinions and needs were useless. Finally I am learning that life doesn´t have to be mended. Indeed, every moment is sacred.

Finally I am realizing that joy is an option, not a privilege.  I am understanding  the rationale of this existence which is a gift, a miracle, not something meant to be controlled, explained.

Finally I am admitting that I am (have ever been) a radiant being, that love and light are (have ever been) by my side.  And  I have come to the conclusion that  I can  trust this process,   universe´s guidance and my own inner voice.

Finally I am grounded in acceptance.


Please note, I have updated my gratitude page this week, if you want to have a look follow this link

DAY 553

treasuring delicacy

Going through this life is not that easy sometimes.  We can change and learn but certain things will continue to happen, things that often hit us in our frailest side. That´s the reason why is important to be ready to accept our own fragility and act consequently.  

Along the years I have realized (and internalized) that most of my inner work is  aimed at healing early wounds, but till recently I have not acknowldeged that the soft tissue that I am creating by fixing those wounds is not strong enough to bear some kind of impacts.

It has taken me time to admit it. I used to think that I was fixing things  in order to  become invulnerable,  but I have come to understand  that I am just learning to deal with my own vulnerability (I am  indeed,  embracing it) and to improve my resilience, I am not  chasing perfection.   

I have had to reconcile with the truth of my story  before reaching that kind of acceptance.  I have had to stop trying to compensate my past, stop trying to be immune, unaffected by the act of living. In short, I have had to see myself as I really am: injured, strong, prone to struggle, brave but also sensitive to all the things that can drain my energy, to any form of abuse, still delicate, still liable to suffer danger.

After  reaching  this stage, I realized that I can love myself.  Now I know that I have  not to feel  ashamed by that, I have  not to feel guilty, I have  not to feel  a looser. I have fought against fear and anger and pain and the lack of connection  and I have won.  So I have  to be confident and proud, but also (and this makes a whole difference) gentle and tender with the person I really am.

I am learning to remember what can increase my power and resistance and  what can steal them;  what can increase my joy  and self-esteem and what can destroy them; what can make me feel more competent and what can make me feel inept,  and by accepting this (even when it may sound paradoxical)  I am honoring my vulnerable side instead of considering it a weakness,  of considering myself broken.

This new approach (that is all about daring to be open, visible, real)   is making me feel even healthier  and it´s allowing me to transform myself in a way that I thought was not possible.  

Of course, I am experiencing a sense of lose (I´ve been so attached to my ideas about  strength and success, of being completely immaculate and undaunted!!), but also, I am setting free  a great amount of blocking energy  while  permitting those preconceived ideas to fall down. 

Maybe they were appealing long ago, but now I need  to expose myself to the danger of being authentic. And it feels good.

DAY 551

waveless (again)

I´ve been dealing with some major issues related to anger lately. Well, to be honest, I am always dealing with that kind of issues some way or another, even without noticing, so it would be more accurate to say that my anger has been out of control lately.

I know the reason why this happens. It is my main response to my own vulnerability, the first emotion that emerges when I have to face everyday problems (and even other emotions caused by them), so it´s hardly surprising that when those problems increase my ability to keep it under control seems to decrease.

Anger is an instinctive response to a stimulus that later on can be  elaborated (unconsciously) as aggressivity, frustration, coolness, resentment or even apathy. This creates many different behaviors that sometimes cannot even been related to anger (from outside) but are caused by it. We are prone to think that anger would be expressed in a violent way but this is not always the case. I can also appear as complaints, distance, victimism or passiveness. 

When we manage well this emotion it can be considered a call to action and we can promote behaviors related to change,  justice, equity and balance. In short, anger (and every and each emotion we can feel) warns us when something is not working.

I have come to understand why anger is my main emotion. It has to do with my own story, my character and my mind frames and also with feeling it quicklier than other emotions. As a result, I have learnt a few things:

- My anger comes from an old source, and old wound that is not easy to heal but the more I am aware of it, the more I can contribute to do it.

- Feeling anger for such a long time has distorted my emotional response and the way I see life but the more I am aware of it, the more I can apply a safety factor -so to speak- in order to correct this.

- Anger is not good, nor bad. It is just an emotion. It is what I do with my anger what can be dangerous or insane. The more I am aware of it, the more I can use anger as a wake up call. It is what is causing it and what I do afterwards what counts.

- When something very stressful appears in my life, I am prone to forget what I have stated above. When pain hits me, when I feel not safe, when lose or sorrow are chasing me, I often forget all what I have learnt about this topic. I stop being prudent and -little by little- I immerse myself in anger as a way to bear what I am experiencing. The more I am aware of this, the more I can overcome this situation.

- When awareness is not enough and I find myself letting my thoughts be ruled by anger, I feel guilty. This -obviously- does not help at all. The more I am aware of it, the more I can forgive myself and start anew again.

Right now I am going through some circumstances that are testing me. I have talk here about the complicated situation at university, but I have not said that three of my work mates, that are also very close girl friends, are struggling against cancer at this moment. It all has happened along the last two years and I can hardly explain what going to work -knowing that they are not there anymore- has meant to me this September.

I´ve have shared more than twenty years of my working and personal life with them and the emptiness I feel is indescribable. It´s like a hole and it has been filled with anger as I was trying to accept the situation and not feeling so sad and scared.

I am not angry because they are ill.  I am angry because I am stressed and anxious and disconsolate and I find no way to express it beautifully. Because this is the only way I have to say to myself how sorrowful and downhearted I am. Maybe, because I prefer to feel angry than heartbroken (hope this makes sense).

So at this moment I am precisely at the last points of my previous list. I am trying to forgive myself because I have let the anger be the way I connect with my feelings (even when after all this is good);  to forgive myself for not been able to manage it adequately after a long period of balance.

I am trying to be benevolent with myself too,  and step by step a fragile sense of calm is returning while I shed my tears, while I allow myself to feel deeply afflicted, to acknowledge that I´ve been haunted with fear.

While I opt for thankfulness and surrendering once more...