DAY 536

Trying to be myself even despite myself

And them everything seems to be here again. There i always a triggering factor of course, and the memories come to life again. How things evolved that way, you ask to yourself. What if this or that would have never happened, you wonder. Why me? the never-ending question.

And you think and think and think trying to find a convincing explanation. But you already know all the possible theories, all the causes and circumstances and this time they don´t help. You revisit the tale of your self- construction and you don´t find a reason why these questions keep harassing you. Maybe I am skipping something, you think to yourself.

And while checking your emotional mood you find that there is not perplexity or incredulity. There is not anger, either, not anymore. There is not pain or sorrow. There is just a big, big, hole and a tremendous grief, a huge despair, seem to be at skin level and pervading everyday life.

And it becomes dull and plain and all the charm flies away. And this only increases the grief and the despair and the (old yet new) vicious circle starts. Again and again and all over again.

But one day you start to consider a crazy hypothesis: Maybe there is not a new explanation to find. Maybe there are not more reasons why things occurred. Maybe you don´t have to investigate more. Maybe that is all. And the hole is here to stay. And the grief and despair are not meant to make you feel you´re falling apart, maybe they are the healthy response to the past. Maybe you don´t have to feel vibrant every single day. Maybe acceptance means as well to live with this and don´t judge the universe or your own process. Maybe you can permit yourself to mourn from time to time. Maybe this is your way to close stages. Maybe this is a new turning point. Maybe you should remove tags. Maybe all is well.

So many options and so little energy to value them all!!. But something in your energy field changes and your soul emits a tiny eureka!

And then you decide to give them a try. And the spin of your mind stops. And charm is back. And joy flaps its wings inside you.

And hope smiles.

DAY 534

making a happy come-back

After a whole month of checking my students´ papers, dealing with tons of administrative tasks and after publishing their grades, I am slowly trying to be back to a more exhaustive way to develop my inner work.

I haven´t been totally far away from my daily practice and that´s the reason right now I feel tired but not as exhausted as previous academic courses, although I haven´t had time to do most of the things I usually do. In fact, I have been developing a simpler version of it that hasn´t included sharing my thoughts here, but it has been enough to keep the balance.

But now that I am a bit more relaxed, my brain, my heart and my soul are claiming the peace that this inner work provides me.

I thought I would take it easy because I felt that I needed to rest. This week my creativity has seemed to be asleep and I´ve been feeling totally drained, but once I started to check my latest photos in order to write this post I realized that I am fully ready to restart.

That´s great because means that I have internalized the abilities and routines to do such thing. So here I am. It hasn´t been easy to keep this blog updated along this first semester of the year, but summer will give me the chance to refresh it and to start new projects.

Hope all is well with all you. Thanks for your patience and as always, thanks for reading.

Much Love,

Z.

DAY 523

continually moving forward 

Every day I wake up and have to deal with the same thoughts and doubts; the same criticism, the same fear to failure and feeling of not being enough.

Every day I feel the same perplexity in the presence of life, in the presence of death, in the presence of time.

And I feel also the same endless optimism, the same need to live and dream, to experience joy and accomplish my purpose.

Every single day I wake up and feel divided. I feel my heart split into two parts: the one which is afraid but is strong because has been strengthened by a whole life tradition, the one who trusts and has been emerging along the latest years.

Every single day I have to deal with them. I know it and have come to terms with this process. Some days I feel even a bit curious about it. Will I suffer a relapse or will I advance? Will I give up, once again, or will I be daring and bold? Will I try to outrun or will I keep the balance?

This (consciously or unconsciously) has been this way most of my life but now I have a strategy. I don´t ponder or judge those feelings. I let them come and go. We walk hand in hand. I do what I have to do every day. I approach my inner work consistently and without laziness. I let them be there, moving freely, I listen to them.

When the fear comes, I wonder what it is asking for. When the urge to change, to consider my truth, assaults me, I stop and learn. No matter the moment of the day or my activity. I pay attention, this is my strategy. I promote integration, that´s my tactic. And little by little the dissociated parts are becoming one with my true self.

I walk my path by joining together all those fragments. Some of them may sound dangerous, they are the result of my wounds; others seem to be empowering, they give voice to my soul. But if something I have learned is that they are here for a reason.

 At the end of the day there are not winners or losers, there are not frustration, there are not labels, just the ongoing process of living and being aware, and the cease of the struggle; the peace and a sense of fulfillment...

DAY 522

it has gone

   One day one wakes up and feels that something has changed.

It is just an ordinary day:

the same house, the same walls, the same cracked sheets of glass in the windows; 

the same shaky doors,

the same old self still expectant...

But something in the quality of light, in the peace of the air, in a defiant gaze or a daring gesture shows that something has been moved.

Something has been closed,

something has been finished,

something has been overcome:

a moment, a season or cycle;

a story, a phase or a mission,

a mistaken belief,

an antique mindset;

an age that was brief

or has lasted too much.

Old patterns has been stored, 

the soul has been restored to its place,

all the grief has come to its end,

all tears has been shed already.

It´s time to conclude.

No more regrets,

no more mourning.

The wounds have been honored,

the healing is on the way.

It´s time to let go the past.


Goodbye.
End of the story.


PS: These photos were taken at an art installation. The artist (José Herrera) used an old uninhabited house and told a story about light, silence and solitude. He created something quite interesting and somehow perturbing. I visited it on Wednesday with two good girl friends and while I was going over the photos, I suddenly came up with the previous text...

DAY 517

about seasons and senses

Month after month, doubts have been fading away like leaves along the autumn. One after another, preconceived ideas about how I should be feeling, living or behaving have left me.

They are still here but are not harmful anymore.They are resting at my feet. I can see them, I can recognize them, but I cannot feel them as part of me, not anymore.  They are indeed, like leaves fallen down. They are still appealing and have a certain beauty  but I l know that sooner or later the wind will sweep them away.

I often discover myself thinking: I used to believe  this or that; I used to think that I never would be good enough; I used to be concerned by others opinion... and feel a sense of detachment

From time to time, a still hanging leaf shakes a bit the calmed pond of my mind. What if...? - I wonder-  but before the thought is completed I see it´s just that: a simple thought without a real identity. If it persists I welcome it and explore possibilities. I see my self embracing one option after another. This will cause me anguish -I say to myself- pain or anger... and I embrace those emotions too and let them go.

As this process has become deeper I have felt some unease with the peace and  the austerity. I feel cautious, restrained, reticent... but as the winter has gone over I have found out that all this brings a new sense of order, of simplicity, of freedom.

I have no changed that much.  I still am a bit perfectionist and afraid of being wrong and all the others things I know well I am.  But now,  I don´t let those things define myself. Here is the perfectionism -I say- here is my anger, here is the need to be approved. I honor them (some way or another, they have brought me here), flow with them, let them go... and return to calm just to find out that I can be without them.

I return to my bare, raw, soul and keep the practice.

However, as spring is arriving I am feeling a new energy goin up my legs, a new sap. That is making me feel passionate, awake, empowered. It´s a kind of rebirth, a sense of blooming. I try not to hold on to this, either... and even when I am tempted to keep it, I feel the joy and let it go.


I guess if this what they mean when talk about staying synchronized with natural cycles, but I am thrilled by the endless possibilities of summer.

DAY 365+121

shared nap

I am learning to rest more and make less. This is being a great challenge to me because planning things, assuming responsibilities and achieving goals is the way I assess my merits. As I am writing this, I am realizing that maybe it makes you think I have an hectic schedule that doesn´t allow me to enjoy things, undertake relaxing activities or devote time to myself. And that´s not true. Sure enough, I have a busy schedule but I also manage to keep on with my job, my inner work, develop creative tasks, or having quality time with my family and friends. It is a matter of priorities. 

I usually find time to do everything I am determined to do, even appreciating the ordinary moments. The secret is simple: I don´t do things that I don´t consider important in a given moment and I don´t stop. In fact, I move from one activity to another following an endless program which is not always explicit (it´s in my mind) and includes many levels, areas and tasks and I have not time to get bored.

Don´t get me wrong, I am an inquisitive and introspective person and once I learned that I have to deal with my self-demanding attitude, this never-ending agenda pleases me and gives me a sense of fulfillment. But even so, I am learning to rest more and make less.

And rest, in this context, means making room for having unplanned moments, moments where I permit myself to be set adrift, following the pace of the day without duties and even without wishes or dreams, without expectations at all. Just listening what life has to tell me, just observing what comes to meet me, the hidden chances… and what is more important, feeling myself and noticing my body and all the sensorial information that I have been ignoring till now.

It is not being that easy. To be honest, it is being tough. However I continue to try it. Let me tell you why:

I find that those “blank moments” -where I don´t check my (real or mental) lists, where I am not concerned about being productive (in de widest and nicest sense of the word), where I only feel challenged to be and breath-  allow all the things I consider sacred to settle down and to be even more present in my life, and this makes me preserve the strength and the focus, feel more grounded and balanced.

So here I am. Learning to rest more and make less. Starting to keep in step with life.

DAY 365+119

emptiness

Often I yearn for vacuity and I would like to feel a sense of nothingness. 

I feel filled with thoughts, emotions, sensations. I look at my house and see all the stuff that I have been collected along the years and I feel disgusted. I look at myself and I wish an even more austere image. 

I dream of living in bare spaces, with clear lines and only a few objects. I dream of having a bare mind, focused on only one thing at a time, free of conditionings. 

I dream of living with a bare heart, without any fear, open. I dream of having a bare style, wear only black and banish all the accessories. 

Oh... how simple life could be this way!

 But I am thinking  that maybe this could be another preconceived idea about how life should be. I have  gone deep inside me and I´ve realized that maybe this is another (and brand-new) way to punish myself now that I am developing this journey aimed at acceptance. Now that I have accepted so much and healed so much, I feel odd being happy with myself (yes, I know...) and I have to look for new things to mend. 

First I was not so beautiful, maybe not so stylish, not so refined and not so charming; not so generous or not so worthy of love (you name it)... and now that I am barely starting to accept that this was not true, I am telling myself that maybe I am not spiritual enough. Somehow, I keep on craving for being perfect or accepted or loved and I am sure that reaching that level of simplicity or any other thing won´t give me any peace. 

In fact, this is not about being this or that, it´s about letting go the yearnings, about stop wishing that things could be any other way and forgetTing others approval. It´s about cultivating inner detachment that is related to prejudices and expectations and a vast acceptance whose true dimension I am only starting to see. It´s about being fully aware of what is happening outside and inside me every single moment of the day and going through it without fighting it, acknowledging what it means. 

According to this, emptiness itself it´s not good or bad (obviously, it can be a way for some persons -including myself- to feel closer to the inner self) but if I use it in a given moment to reproduce the old (and insane) patterns it´s telling me something about my own process and challenges me to go deep into it. 

I am starting to understand we only can go over our own soul´s path (which is unique and is not described in any recipe or protocol) by listening what life is trying to tell us and by being true to ourselves. There are as many ways of enlightenment as persons in this world.

DAY 365+109

resting in light

I guess I am oriented to achievement by nature so I find hard to stop doing things and I always think about my life from goals perspective. This is an important key to understanding my conception of rest whichI used to define like a sort of activities exchange. 

In fact, I still have problems when I try to stop myself and do nothing. I am not talking about calming down my mind, keeping tranquility or serenity .I am not talking about relaxation or keeping a daily practice, either. I know how to do such things and they demand setting intentions, the use of certain tools and a proactive attitude whose results can be measured, assessed, because beneath them lies the idea of productivity, some way or another.

When I think of rest I do not refer to the fact that I am cultivating mindfulness or increasing my consciousness. Indeed, even when I am focused on the process as on my inner work, I celebrate the turning points of my journey, although maybe they are not linked to the traditional definition of success.  This happens because when we are in the search for something, we want to reach our aim, because our endeavor is directed to it.

I am talking about staying still and only breathing (…probably the result of the things mentioned above).

It has taken me ages (and effort) to internalize this meaning of restfulness associated with repose, with letting life be and pass by; with cessation from desire; with the extinction of expectations... with an interval between a goal and another. But from time to time I find myself in that place where the emotions are soothed, where silence wraps me, wounds seem to have never existed and my already pacified soul comes to light. 

A place where I can contemplate world as it was created -my life as any other marvelous, ordinary, life- with a limpid gaze free from prejudices.

I enjoy that place of no dualisms, no opinions... just contemplation


I keep updating my self-portraits page. Please view here