DAY 599

new (old) me

Sorry for the long absence. After all the things I had to deal with along the first semester of the year and afterwards, many things are moving in my life and I haven’t been sure about how to share that here. I don’t know where to start. I am enjoying my classes again very much. I have no time literally for doing all the creative things that come to my mind. Not only regarding photography, but also regarding many other areas. Indeed I have started a few new projects and have connected with many interesting persons. My inner work is being relevant again and I have reached a new stage linked to my self-knowledge.

Little or nothing has really changed in my life, or at university, or at home… my schedule keeps being hectic (in particular in November) and everydayness evolves as expected, with its ups and downs: my mom turned 91 years old a couple of weeks ago (lucky me!), she is starting to be a bit forgetful and so on... but I feel completely… alive. I cannot find a better word. This big amount of powerful energy has taken me by surprise and has left me thrilled and a bit hyperactive. I’ve been exploring much out of my comfort zone, and now the time to systematize is about to arrive. Or so I think.

I feel that I am making room for new experiences and perspectives, that I am closing a cycle, that many of my early (and recent) lessons have led me to this point of my life. When I turned 50 last December, I really felt that the best was yet to come, soon I had to go through many sad circumstances, but I never lost the faith. Now, I know that I was not wrong.

This year with its pain and all, has been amazingly interesting, enlightening and rewarding. Unconditional love has been one of its key notes. A love which is bigger than life, bigger than death. And this has transformed me deeply. It has awakened in me the need to stay fully aware. To inspire and be inspired. To be in awe of my own beauty. To be immersed in the mysteries of this existence. To dwell only in joy.

This blog was created to document my healing process. I am happy to inform that today I am much closer to my own true self than ever before. My journey will continue. And this blog will be my journal, but I am sure that its contents will change as much as challenges are changing and demanding a more expansive horizons. I can't wait to fly.

DAY 584

in {and out} Week 19: Antique

The last time I visited my mother, I brought the camera with me. I was thinking of taking some photos of a very old and beautiful porcelain pitcher that she inherited from her mother. I prepared the scene on my bedroom's bedside table and shot a few photos when I realized that I needed something else to improve the composition. I remembered having seen a box of old postcards inside my closet. I knew that my mother had put it there and it contained postcards that we had bought along some travels, visits to museums and so on. When I found it, I noticed that there was another box under it, I opened it and it was full of papers that actually were mementos of my time in the high school. There were also lots of letters sent by me to my mother during my first year at university.

I opened the antiquated envelopes and there I found sheets and sheets filled with my handwritten words. I glanced at some of them and read some paragraphs here and there, taking time to enjoy the wording, to analyze the way I used the terms to express what I was living or report my mood and suddenly,  I realized that I was witnessing the emergence of my adult being: I could feel the dreams of a better future, the concerns, the need to accomplish and to have control;  my determination to be independent and to be conventional, predictable, reliable in order to achieve approval; the way I was taking charge of my life, of my sentiments and of other's responsibilities... the way I was trying to fulfill other's expectations... the way early experiences and conditionings were starting to take a toll on my life.

I was only eighteen years old when I wrote them but the person who I would become was already there surrounded by naivety and joy and hopeful anticipation and wishful thinking. All the things mentioned above would result in highly self-demanding attitudes in the following years. They would result in excellence, in sadness and sorrow, in lack of boundaries and in the admission of abusive behaviors. In short, in the attempt to repress my true self.

I can hardly relate to this antique being that was arising from my infancy and has lived with me till recently. I cannot relate to the child I was, either. I can hardly relate to the way I behaved or to many of my priorities. I cannot feel anymore the heavy burden that I was always carrying or the sense of not belonging here with its dull pain. In fact, all this seems to have fallen into disuse. All this seems to pertain to an ancient era.

Of course, I remember the good moments, I celebrate the learnings, I cherish my strength, I treasure the love and guidance that have supported me and made me evolve and I appreciate my path. I can see also a common or unifying thread going through all my story, that helps me to identify what has been (and is) true and authentic in my life, my genuine self... but most of what I found in those letters (except for this unshakable thread which is made of faith and creativity and trust and passion and connection) belongs to a bygone era and as it is said: let bygones be bygones.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 565

in {and out} Week 5: Art

As far as I am concerned, all things produced by a person who cultivates imagination and explores self-expression in a determined way are art. Maybe I think that because I truly believe that creativity is a gift that we all share and can enrich our life once we start to accept this to be true.

Indeed, the appreciation of beauty that is an essential part of this artistic or creative nature is not something related only to those who are proficient in one field or category of art, but to many human beings that have decided to live creatively.

Of course, there are difference between a talented artists who know techniques or tools typical of a given discipline and persons who only transform little things in their daily life, but those difference are about the magnitude of the creation, its impact or relevance, not about the core of the action or its deep sense.

Since I was a very little girl, I was clear about those facts. I saw (I still do it) art and artists everywhere, even deep inside me. I was fascinated by great masters, but also by the inspiring responses to the challenges of everyday life. I remember being lost in the allure of some classic paintings, in the illustrations of my books, in words (either in the way they were formed and in how they sounded) , in the subtle spiral of a seashell or in the delicacy of tiny stitches equally. I remember also, going through my days paying attention to imaginative images, ideas or sayings, to any dose of skillfulness or inventiveness, trying to emulate them because it made me feel alive, fulfilled.

My fears about future, mediocrity and about my own talent prevented me to start an artistic career (something I dreamt of), but never led me to despise my vision or my own creativity. I only (!) kept it as a secret for a long time.

However, as soon I started to know myself better and to be true to myself , they emerged like a storm long time repressed. And while I went deeply into that determination, I realized that creativity was here to stay.

So from some time now, I am empowering my creative self, my ability to see and create beauty publicly and I am seen how the artist who lives inside me is blooming through the art of living consciously . It´s quite rewarding but what I find even more captivating is the very unique connection between this inner journey and creativity that goes in both direction. In short, the more creative I am, the more awaken and mindful I feel (and vice versa).

I know I´ve been lucky because I always had the capacity for feeling that way and I have been able to preserve it throughout all my life. And for this today, I am grateful. Because I am now who I always wanted to be and maybe, even much more than I would have ever imagined.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project.  

DAY 545

easing off

We left go and we learn to love the process.
Layer after layer we decode old wounds
and realize that is important not only analyzing and understanding situations
but accepting the emotions linked to them.

We heal

We practice detachment and understand that is good for us.
This makes us be more connected to the nature of life:
things come and go
and we cannot stop this cycle through affection.

We break away from conditionings

We choose to be here.
We stay in this moment... oh, what a gift!
and live consciously,
observing , appreciating , being aware of everyday miracles.

We dwell in the now

We practice and practice and practice
till all this becomes easy,
smooth, fluent
even funny.

We enjoy

But one day we wake up and we feel we miss  the old days.
We don´t know why ,
we think we should not
and we ask what is happening.

We suffer... again

Sometimes, this happens to me. 
I used to feel guilty, 
and thought that ego was playing dirty tricks on me,
I felt mortified.

But now I have understood this sort of grief. 
It brings the good memories back together, 
makes me see the nice moments among the old mess 
and remember laughs and love and sweetness. 

It makes me see the unappreciated beauty of all what I have lived, 
of all what I have lost 
and gained, 
makes me keep forgiving and loving.

Makes me human