DAY 608

so there is courage in blooming...

Yes, there is courage in showing up once and again.

There is courage in living every day trying to be aware of what happens inside
while the heart stays wide open.

There is courage in embracing every single experience that comes to meet me
and in letting them go when they not longer teach me… or comfort me.

There is courage in starting a new page
without knowing what is going to happen,
and in making room for curiosity regardless of the old pain.

There is courage in becoming the person that I always dreamt of being,
and in being true to myself

There is courage in going through this existence without fear
-even when I am fearful-
one day and another,
and in doing my best regardless what others have to offer me.

There is courage in being myself without making excuses,
 and in giving up conditionings

There is courage in coexisting with myself peacefully,
in spreading hope by using only the fabric of my life
and in healing my wounds without any other remedy but love and compassion.

There is courage in me  when I  wake up slowly after another fail (or fall)
only to listen the tiny voice within,
to stand up for what I believe
or to make a flag only with light.

Yes, there is courage in me,
and there is also courage in you.

After yesterday's post, I experienced  some relief, and I realized that I should stop fighting. I thought this morning I would feel uneasy anyway, but I came up with this. Being kind with myself is not always easy, so I think this is a little step in the right direction.

Much Love

Z. 

DAY 607

relapses and reminders

Since I started this journey, every August I go through the same process.  Before the beginning  of holiday, I prepare a list of how to use well my free days in order to achieve all the goals that I have set aside the rest of the year. These lists are more intrincate every passing year and include goals that have to do with personal projects which cannot be developed while teaching at university, not only because my work is complex  (or I can be prone to procrastinate), but because they demand a state of mind that is not compatible with preparing classes, attending meeting, checking papers and so on. But as soon as I try to do it, I feel just exhausted.  

This  month hasn’t been a exception.  I have been the last ten days (in particular, since Monday)  struggling against this, trying to overcome it  by allowing myself to rest and feeling guilty at  the same  time.  Finally, I realized that I’ve been playing this same role at least during the last three or four years maybe because every single time, I  have forgot to include in my list things that have to do with making a pause. And  also that every single year my wiser self forces me to make such pause  some way or another.

Retrospectively I see that I could have been happier those days just by accepting my situation  and by acting accordingly.  This would have happened if  I would have been able to stop making (or trying to make),  and mainly if I would have been able to stop expecting, longing or  rejecting. Obviously, there is nothing I can do regarding the past days, but I am determined  (once again) to approach the following weeks more consciously… just because I know I can do it.

Yesterday, while  I was thinking of  writing this post, I came across this photo of a page of my journal. While looking at it, I became aware of  all the strategies I have developed  along my  life in order to keep that conscious approach,  and wondered why it becomes so difficult sometimes, and in particular every August. I came to the conclusion that the end of academic course  (and any other  stressing  situation) seems to be a good moment   for the perfectionist inside me to arise and generate all sort of expectations without taking into account my needs. Once I realized that everything fits into place.  

Today,  I am  feeling  how my energy is returning and I am sure that soon I will feel ready to do  what I had planned.  And even when I am  also sure that I still have to deal with this biased perspective which was developed as a response to  circumstances of my early life, there  is hope in my heart. 

Probably, because now  I don’t try to mend my actions (or reactions), I just accept them and keep going, trusting that I will manage to reach my destiny. 

I hope you are having an easy summer, dear friends.

Much Love

Z. 

DAY 606

I love this bend of my path

  It is not what I expected it to be, it is not safe or peaceful. It is complex and chaotic, and triggers moments of doubts. But it is thrilling and beautiful, too. It makes me feel deeply connected to the place from where I come and also quite inspired for the place I am ready to arrive.

Before, I used to think in different terms:  the place I wanted to leave versus the place I wanted to reach. Little I knew that as soon as I chose the word for this year (soar) that mindset would be drastically changed.  In fact, once I started to work on it months ago, I noticed that the idea of before and after -so to speak-  wouldn’t work. 

Quite often when we go through complicated events, we are prone to disown them, or the person we were at that moment, and we try to keep only the lessons.  It is a strategy that allows us to start healing but after some time (when we get better)  we feel that if we want to move forward, we should  reclaim ourselves wholeheartedly. 

Two months ago or so, I felt  that I was about to reach that moment. I knew  I had to immerse myself in the connection  between all I had lived  with the definition of myself from a  more authentic perspective in order to be where I dreamt of.

It was a sort of sudden revelation, and not  precisely a pleasant one, because I had the feeling that this couldbe a sort of repetition,  till I understood that Universe was giving me the chance to integrate  all my experiences in a more complex –and complete-  tapestry that was  still half-done. And so I have been doing.

I’ve been feeling this as a process of putting down roots. Also as a sort of restoration: by  trying to avoid pain, I erased many fundamental pieces that linked me to my origins and to the source of my essential energy. Without this protective support,  I have felt orphan, but now I am developing parts of myself downward. As a result, my wings have started to unfold. It may sound paradoxical but the more my sense of belonging increases, the more I feel that this will enable flight. 

Right now  I am  feeling a complex sense of heaviness or weight, an irresistible force of attraction to my own purpose and –at the same time-  I feel a lightness  made of pure joy, of pure grace.  It is as if I were on tiptoe, moving to a higher position, springing to the air, looking up, reaching heaven while  my core –my true self-  shines composed and a golden –endless- rope ties me to it.

I feel as if I were living on earth and wandering through air at the same time, an this is -believe me- a wonderful feeling that is leading me to amazing places from where I am planning to soar even higher. 

If you don't find me here, I'll be there... waiting for you.

Much Love to you, dear friends

Z.

DAY 605

at the right place

Inner peace can be elusive. One doesn’t expect this to happen after living much and accepting even more, after having let go so much and having experienced such a relief. One expects some tranquility, tiny respites that last a bit more. One expects to be able to call a truce with oneself. But expectations can be dangerous. They, indeed, create anxiety, the first enemy of calm and cloud our judgment. And when this happens, no matter how hard the work done has been, anger appears, and frustration reigns supreme.

Let me tell you that I have been feeling that way lately. After living some really changelling years where I have learnt to appreciate the great importance of staying true to myself, I've been trying to move toward new -and more meaningful- goals that are already clear in my mind and feeling totally exhausted at the same time (as I explained on my previous post). As a result, the usual “vicious circle” described above, began: the more I struggled against this fatigue or wanted to fit my preconceived ideas about what I should be doing, the more exhausted and irascible I felt, and the less composed. I started even to wonder what I was thinking when I chose the word soar for this year. However, before completing the whole circle and ending up immerse into self-pity or starting to feel like a miserable failure, this time I decided to ask for guidance and help first. And it came to meet me.

Suddenly I realized that maybe that tiredness was not a laughing matter (or was not only about resting), that maybe it was a way to make me pondering my next movement. I saw clearly that after so many inner changes now I am a person able to make the necessary outer changes, but I also had the strong feeling that I have to stay a bit in my base camp -so to speak-, before starting new adventures.

This has been quite difficult to grasp and to accept: adventures, projects, dreams, experiments (you name it) have been always my lifeblood, and I truly believe that they have saved my life. In fact, nowadays, I still don’t understand very well how I have survived to certain things. And although I guess it partly happened because I probably had the strength required, I also know that much of my impetus came from that desire of keep on walking. But in spite of that, along these weeks I have come to understand that I don’t need to be in survival mode anymore, that I have not to run away or to defend myself, that I am finally totally safe and I can enjoy what is yet to come.

This has been a great find (a tiny epiphany, I would say) not only because many conditionings are starting to fade away as a result, but because it has helped me to acknowledge that I deserve to be here, and this is –believe me- a true turning point.  And although this may  seem that doesn't make any difference, makes indeed a great difference, dear friends: now it is not only my inner compass which is indicating my true north, I am also facing the right direction.

DAY 604

so here I am

My blog may be quiet, but the inner movement persists. Amidst the chaos of the everyday life I am feeling a flow of changes that go in several directions. I starting to go over new territories that are far away from my comfort zone, and feeling the need to create in a more systematic way, to develop a more consistent body of work, to connect my images and words through a predetermined argument, to stop doing this sporadically. 

Right now every single time I start to create (either privately or while participating in a working group, an online class et cetera) I feel the urge to examine some recurrent topics, to develop images able to illustrate certain stories… it happens even without noticing, even when prompts or discussion have little to do with them, even when I take photos or start to write without thinking much. 

It is something that comes from within, something that  has been awaiting to be showed, that cannot stay untold anymore and now is emerging.  I’ve been observing quietly what I have been doing and I have identified two big guidelines so far: 

One of them is about creativity, self-expression and inner voice. It is about all those things that makes me want to move forward, things that help me to stay linked to my true essence. It is about attaining joy and connection. It is about a sense of expansion. 

The other one is about healing, conditionings, self-knowledge and heritage. It is about ancestors and position, about gifts and secrets. It helps me to see that I am here for a specific reason, to understand better my life. It is about conquering peace and calm. It is about a sense of belonging. 

Those two big topics have obsessed me since I can remember, but it has been along the last years that they have been appear in a more explicit way. And I think I am ready to try to explore them thoroughly.  

I still have to think about concrete projects that will develop them, but I am trying to take it easy: I am recovering from what last year gave me (losses but also the chance to liberate myself and let go all the things that were moving me away from authenticity) and I feel exhausted. 

Even so, I can’t take the idea out of my head. I feel that this will drive me to the place where I want to be in this moment of my life. I know that this is the path that I have to follow in order to open myself to the world. Trough them I would be able to do what I want to do: help others to explore what make them move forward or acknowledge their mission in this world by using my images and words. 

I think that having limited myself to those two lines, and having described them is a decisive -yet tiny- step, and I am happy. I feel that it couldbe great. That it will work, but I don’t want to end up frustrated due to my lack of time (teaching at university can be demanding) or even more tired than I am right now. So although I  want to act as big as I dream, I am trying to accept that being overly hasty won’t be good for me.

However, I am planning to keep taking baby steps in the upcomming weeks… and to keep trusting that this will lead me to the life I dream of.  

DAY 603

"The Universe story is the quintessence of reality.
We perceive the story. We put it in our language, the birds put it in theirs, and the trees put it in theirs. We can read the story of the Universe in the trees. Everything tells the story of the Universe. The winds tell the story, literally, not just imaginatively. The story has its imprint everywhere, and that is why it is so important to know the story. If you do not know the story, in a sense you do not know yourself; you do not know anything."

Thomas Berry


Since I was a little girl I knew this to be true in a very intuitive way. The importance of the story we all share (and the micro-stories inside the big story) has defined my life,  my need to find the hidden connections  has guided me, and the possibility of telling my own vision of them, in my own voice (even accepting that I am much more than the stories I can tell)  has fascinated me. Maybe it is time to turn this into something more tangible, to explore more deeply, to stay true to what is essential to me. 


Maybe it is time.  

Maybe it is time to  be reborn, to awaken to the sacredness of this lifelong task.

Happy Easter, dear friends

Much Love,

Z.

DAY 602

the beginning of something

There is a feeling inside me that is telling me that things are going to change. It has nothing to do with a well articulated reasoning or with a careful analysis of data, it is something much more visceral, more intuitive (related to my mood and my energy) that advices me that I am getting closer to a shift in my life, to a positive turning point.

Somehow, after a long process where what I have been done was based on my will power, on the practice, I am opening to the evidence that all what I was longing for is actually here. I can barely explain this, it seems to me that I am starting to wise up to the tricks that were preventing me to see my path. And I am listening –again- the little voice within that says “It is time”.

And indeed, it is time!. Time to move forward and start a new stage; time to let go old conditionings and beliefs; time to give up the destructive idea of perfectionism, and the useless image of myself; time to stop being reluctant and to be intrepid; time to abandon complexity and drama; time to get ready for the dreams the universe has for me; time to open that new door and get involved in this new episode that is about to start.

I am opening my eyes to new possibilities deliberately, and this is giving me the determination (or the predisposition) to embrace them without an ounce of laziness and to act accordingly. It may seem that nothing is moving or growing on the edges of my life, it may seem that I am turning my back on these changes because I keep with my ordinary life and still deal with the same trivialities and everyday challenges. It may seem that I am only fooling myself, but if you come with me deep inside, where my essence inhabits, you will find yourself in the eye of a hurricane.

In that place nothing can disturb or distort my vision. There I can see clearly my destiny, my purpose, the force that has led me here. No matter If I think that I am not doing enough, if the thousands things I have to do push me in the wrong direction, or my concerns make me feel downhearted. No matter if I stop to smell the flowers, if I opt for some sacrifices in the name of love or if I spend some time here and there. No matter if some days I feel tired and I see my wounds wide open again, or if I am only able to take baby steps or if I forget to trust my process blindly... because the universe has a plan, my soul has a plan, and they do trust blindly my capability. So, some way or another,  I am developing it, achieving its goals which -curiously enough- coincide with my most cherished dreams.

Am I lucky?

DAY 601

soar

Usually when a year starts a word comes to meet me. When I first realize that it is by my side, I often don’t understand why. I even try to avoid it, thinking of words that probably would be much more adequate. I simply want to stay away from it, because deep inside I know that it will generate profound transformations in my life and I fear the consequences.

This resistance only makes the word more persistent. In fact, the more I resist, the more it persists. And then, one day, suddenly, I feel that I can embrace it. My determination has been eroded and I listen its calling. When this moment arrives I know that my word is going to introduce me to challenges and opportunities and I am ready to follow it regardless of my initial reluctance.

I truly believe that the word comes to meet me because there are parts of my true self that still must be unveiled, unraveled. Parts that have been hidden or forgotten, parts that have been masked although they are essential, parts that are gateways to more growing, more consciousness and more joy. Parts that are needed in order to keep evolving and to manifest my true purpose here. Parts -in short- that will help me to define better my vision, to create ways to make it real. And even so, every single year I repeat the same crazy dance, the same ritual before allowing it to come in my life.

This year my word is "soar". When I first start to hear it, I thought that I didn’t deserve it, that I was not good enough to make it mine. But later on I understood that maybe this was the reason why it had arrived in my life. And so it was. I have so much to offer inside me, so much to say and to share, that I am going to collapse if I don’t let go my repressing attitude and find the way to do it.

This first month I’ve been working on this word, owning it through my inner work,  letting its energy change things. I feel that indeed I am starting to soar, leaving behind old conditionings about my own worth, about success and failure, about why I do things. And I have come to the conclusion that I don’t need permission to be myself, to do whatever I want.

I am re-claiming the artist, the spiritual teacher and the healer inside me. I am making them more visible, giving them a protagonist role in my life, allowing them to lead my journey this year without restrictions or shame. I still have some doubts, but when they appear, a tiny voice whispers: you are destined to fly… no matter if you feel that your wings are broken. You will soar higher and higher.

And I believe it.

DAY 600

farewell, 2015

I've been planning to write a post about 2015 for some time now. After pondering this and that, I decided to keep it simple as I am determined to use my time more wisely, and to be less conditioned by my ego's needs to be perfect. So here I am, a bit late, mainly because I need to close what I would define as a challenging (and life-changing) year. At this point, many of you know well some of the experiences that I have had to live, so I am not going to speak of them again. I am going to focus on how my life has been transformed by them.

I have had to cry much during 2015. I have done it silently, privately, inconsolably and openly. I started the year determined to be more authentic, so I didn't ignore or conceal my sorrow, my sadness. On the contrary, I lived with it -went through it-, not only after the passing of my friends (or my dear cat), but also along their process of leaving this existence. I was there and I talked about it, I allowed myself to feel the pain, the fear and even so, I offered them my unconditional presence.

By doing that I experienced a sort of catharsis. I felt how my shell (the old carapace that was covering my heart) started to –finally- crack. It was like an end of an era. After all the inner work, I was feeling free!.

I still am not sure why this happened. Maybe it was the shock linked to every loss or the sense that the time was limited; maybe it was the acknowledgement regarding the triviality of many of my efforts versus the greatness of life and death... maybe it was my moment.

Maybe, through the hollows of the broken fabric of my life I accidentally glimpsed how future could be. I don't know, but I had an insight into the reality of my existence and the reason for being here.

And I understood that I would never be the same. I wouldn't pretend not to be myself anymore or disown my gifts ever again. I understood that I would keep listening my inner voice but without any shame.

I realized that vulnerability was leading me to a turning point. I realized that I had to pay tribute to light by awakening and by creating enlightenment regardless of my doubts. That there was a force inside me that was claiming to be out, to bloom, and I had to allow it to do it.

I understood that I won't disguise my essence from now on.

Today I know that I have to soar -leave my old place- and walk over in order to greet the truth of who I am. And that’s what I am doing.