DAY 542

determined to see for myself

Lately I have found myself thinking about the elderly quite often. Not only because I am facing the ageing of my own mother, which is a very challenging situation (yet somehow rewarding as it gives a new dimension to our relationship),  but also, because I can see how the number of persons obsessed by youth is increasing every passing day.

When I read articles or look at advertisements or images of any kind, I feel that our society is concerned by ageing (me too) and it´s struggling against it not always in a very positive way.

This battle occurs in many fields and the persons of my age or so are who are fighting harder -I think- to avoid health, emotional,  social or aesthetical issues related to ageing. I know that it is not easy to deal with certain situations related to it and I truly believe that we have to look for the best quality of life... but we have to be clear that this won´t prevent us from getting older.

On the other hand, it doesn´t have to mean feeling less useful, radiant or fulfilled. On the contrary, it can mean being all those things but in a different way. Or maybe, getting older really means that we won´t be those or other things anymore, so what?. We still will be persons, human beings, here, trying to do our best, learning, living, feeling...

I know that any society is led by certain ideals and obviously they try to domesticate our nature. That´s why our social, aesthetical, emotional or health aspirations can be unnatural, this is the rationale of civilization, but maybe we should pay attention when they start to be unreal according to current circumstances and possibilities.

I cannot help feeling that some of these efforts would be much more productive if they were focussed on changing our mindset and social prejudices or preconceived ideas about this subject that is culturally constructed. In particular, those who are so biased and corrupted that make us lose direction and forget what is important. In particular, those which impact deeply on the existence of many persons by making them feel a mistake, by making them be invisible before our eyes.

When I saw those two ladies, I didn´t see decline or lack of charm... but what is most important: amidst the busy morning in the park, I saw them.... that´s why this is my Photo-Heart Connection for July. 

DAY 511

blessed with being here

Two Fridays ago, I was working; I was giving a seminar to some of my practice students, when someone knocked at the door. I thought the following students were impatient (when I am behind schedule my students usually knock just to let me know that they are there), but it was my  husband´s daughter who was carrying a big -and beautiful- bouquet of flowers.

She gave it to me, I hugged her and she went away leaving me with the flowers. This only lasted a few minutes as I was working (and to be honest, too shocked to say or do anything else). Of course, my students were enjoying (and delighting in) the whole scene.

I went back to my table and understood that I had to tell them that my husband was working outside the country. I told them that the next-to-last time he left home it took him three months to come back, so this time I didn´t want him to go and this was his way to say me that I was not alone. My students found the story (which I had to repeat along every seminar because the bouquet was laying on a chair beside me all day long) very romantic and so do I. I am sure you have guessed it was the morning of St. Valentine day.

Along the following days I tried to capture the beauty of the flowers and I have lovely photos to document what is going to be a beautiful memory and a funny anecdote. I wanted to publish some of them, but they were not appealing enough. However, when I was dismantling the bouquet, I attempted a few shots more. I had almost forgotten them till I looked for my Photo-Heart Connection of February.

When I saw this (nearly withered) gerbera daisy, it touched my heart, not only because it reminds me what I have told you above, but because it illustrates something that is becoming a deep truth in my current life: time passing is not always that bad, it allows us to gain access to new dimensions of ourselves and to new perceptions of what this existence is about.

While contemplating it, I thought that we shouldn´t express ourselves in decadence terms only. We should express ourselves in growing terms also.

Time has passed, it´s true. I am not that young and my relationship with my husband has gone through a long way, but now I feel that love, understanding, authenticity and appreciation are more present in my life than ever before… and the way we both are coping with our current situation, the way I made visible to my students my sadness, this simple photo are just tiny examples.

I am not aged, worn or faded (even when I am tempted to think so), I am awake.

DAY365+110

autumn in my part of the world

This is no doubt, my favorite season. You may wonder how this can be possible when we are located in a subtropical belt (but with a less hot climate that many subtropical areas thanks to the trade winds and the cold ocean) and our weather has been denominated "eternal spring". 

Well... there are many reasons and not all of them are related to the weather: after much time deeply involved in the academic context some way or another, first as student and as a teacher afterward, this time of the year seems always to be a promising to me. 

However, this period which has such a suggestive name: autumnal equinox, has also unique appeal here (and there and everywhere):

The days bring some chill, but keep a wonderful brightness. 

The leaves start to fall, but the trees keep flowering (even simultaneously), so the shades of red of the leaves and of the flowers are mixed and the paths are paved also with petals. 

Bees, butterflies and birds carry on with their matters, but their joy is now more perceptible thanks to the clouds that create a cool atmosphere. 

The light is not so hard and subtle shadows are starting to take ownership of the scenery.  However, colors are still vibrant and things seems to have a beautiful glow. 

The hope of the rain is in the air (literally and metaphorically) making them shine, captivating my camera. 

This vitality outburst before the winter´s austerity always brings me back the feeling that everything can change, evolve and be brand new once and again.  Indeed, I live every autumn like an authentic re-start, in the deep sense of the word. I enjoy preparing myself for the upcoming shorter days (and the swamped agenda) and the following re-awakening. 

The certainty that something good is waiting for me around the corner and my the disposition to be -positively- amazed are almost palpable...

Oh!, friends, I love these sensations. I love how autumn makes me feel.

DAY 365+83

me (an updated list)

introvert but not shy
teacher by profession (and by vocation)
perfectionist who is learning acceptance
lover of details

unpunctual
achievement oriented
advocate of the connection between all things, beings and events
accidental academic with a creative nature

increasingly convinced that I have to focus on the bright side of things
prone to anger
learning to be visible
stubborn when not centered

joyful
amateur photographer
sensitive (and sometimes even hyper-sensitive)
believer of the healing power of art, prayers and silence

exploring my inner world through the spiritual practice
setting boundaries
learning respect (and self-respect)
professing the belief in kindness and compassion

starting to be less rigid
in favor of authenticity
cat person
grateful

cultivating mindfulness and serenity
looking for ways to love myself more (much more)
letting go preconceived ideas about life and happiness
in search of clarity

no expecting approval anymore
devotee of reading (and writing)
tenacious
tidy but not very organized

embracing my gifts and universe guidance
trying to reach peace through the little things
analytic with a bohemian heart
paying attention to my soul voice

passionate (and a bit obsessive from time to time)
procrastinator
currently celebrating the beauty of my path (my own beauty)
and perhaps, finally satisfied, appeased

DAY 365+68

when they purr

While I was taking these photos of this little lady, she was purring loud and clear all the time. I was not touching her or talking to her, I was just trying to capture her lovely posture and the light in the terrace but the consistent pattern and frequency of her purr, made me feel relaxed and and more focused on what I was doing 

Even when many types of sound usually distract my attention (including voices and music) and makes me feel annoyed,  cat´s purr improves my concentration, and not only when I am interacting with them, but also when they are by my side and I am devoted to my own matters

This made me think about this low vibrant sound, usually considered as expressing some kind of sensorial satisfaction. It has been produced by my cats along so many different circumstances, that I have realized long time ago that it must have a deeper meaning apart from that

Indeed cats often purr when we provide them social contact, but also while they are under duress, and in particular when they are recovering from illness, and when they are happy with themselves or with what is happening around. They purr for not apparent reasons at all and when they are alone and think no one is listening them

I think that cat´s purr is a means of relate to people and communicate, but also a means of self-healing; a way to show contentment and also, a way to keep (or recover) some kind of tranquility. Last -but not least- I feel that it is an expression of love and acceptance for what they are living in a given moment

I know that many persons thinks that pets can´t feel that because these are complex emotions belonging to human beings, but I can´t help remembering my cat Malú purring when she was dying. This simple act of surrender marked a milestone in my own life by teaching one of the greatest lessons about being in the present and consciousness

Cats seem to know how to enjoy little pleasures, show delight, make the way back to their center once and again (maybe this is the reason why it´s said that they have nine lives) and be where they are without questioning fate 

This playful and darling kitty is the proof. And their purr seems to me an attempt to reveal her secret to those who want to pay attention

DAY 365+51

in my kitchen 

you will find sun rays, 
shelves filled with boxes of lasagna sheets,
unmatched pieces of chinaware, jars with spices
and two or three bottles of different types of olive oil

biscuits, dark chocolate and many blends of tea:
black chai, earl grey, english breakfast... you name it
infusion sachets and crackers

seeds, nuts, herbs and dietary supplements
honey, agave syrup, my old glassware, bottles of red wine
fruits, veggies and chips packs

lots of bowls, big and small; white and colored,
many utensils (like baking molds) that I rarely utilize,
beautiful, embroidery, serviettes
that I use only from time to time
and when I want to photograph some still lifes

it´s not a the kitchen of a gourmet,
it´s not the kitchen of a perfect house wife,
it´s not the kitchen of an expert in healthy eating,
(even when sometimes I secretly envy those who are so)

it´s the kitchen of a person who has many things to do,
who prefers to pile up the dishes in the sink
and go outside to capture a tree blooming or read a book,

it´s the kitchen of a person who has finally understood that eating is about enjoying, about sharing, about spreading gentleness,
about finding light in the ordinary things
not about being conform with any established standard related to diet 

So in my kitchen you will also find conversations and snacks while cooking, 
fresh bread and marine salt,
simple meals made with a dose of love


...and some paws prints of this little apprentice
who curiously observes what happens around


Simple things Sunday

DAY 365+47

back there, where love still persists

These have been hectic weeks due to the beginning of the second semester of classes. Last weekend, I thought this one would be better but it wasn´t the case. I also thought I would write something about masks because we are celebrating carnival and I had planned to take some photos around the city. But this doesn´t happened, either. The only day I went outside with my camera, the weather was terrible, and I had the sense that the wind had taken with it the charm of this season. All what I saw seemed to me clumsy and lacking magic. Maybe I was to tired to appreciate it, maybe I am moving to a time of my life where I am more oriented to simplicity, I am not sure 

The thing is that yesterday evening, when I was coming back from work to home,  I found myself thinking that the week had flown by and mentally checking all the things I still had to do when I realized that it was the day when people usually celebrates love. And suddenly I become aware of some painful oversights. First, I had not any expectation about the day because I was to overwhelmed with work to plan something. Second, I had forgotten the anniversary of the passing away of my dear Malú, who died two years ago

This made a big impression on me. What kind of life is this, when I forget that love must be celebrated (even when that celebration may seem a marketing strategy) and the good friends must be honored? What kind of life am I living, when my busy schedule, complicated meetings and ridiculous arguments can still drain my energy and take away my joy and excitement, my devotion and beliefs?

Believe me, I love to teach but sometimes (and more often every passing day) the bureaucratic mechanism of the university leaves me open-mouthed... stunned. So yesterday night, after having an improvised dinner with my husband where we toasted to love and friendship, I decided that my duties would wait, because this weekend I would take time to write about the most complex - and stereotyped- topic ever. I would write about love in the widest sense of the word.

This will be tomorrow...

Today I only want to publish these photos of my sweet friend

There are no words good enough to describe the place she has in my heart, not only because all the years we shared (thirteen years, since she was a little kitten), but also because the last day of her life she gave me the most precious gift: the understanding of death as something that holds a kind of beauty and as a process that must be lived consciously

My sweet Malú is now resting in peace, she came back to the source of energy from where we all come, but she taught me a priceless lesson of generosity, and for this reason today I am glad I had the chance to meet her. Dear friend, you will never be forgotten


Favorite Photo Friday  Friendship Friday 

DAY 365+10

My tree

I took these photos a weeks ago, when the rains started. I opened my window and tried to capture the droplets that were hanging from the branches of the tree in front of my house. It was the first time I could see so many bare branches, I had noticed that leaves had been falling all week long and I was a bit surprised at this fact, because I knew Indian laurel is an evergreen tree, but I thought it was something temporary... but it was not

The following weeks leaves kept on falling, till no one remained. Every morning I looked through the window and I only saw the silvery branches that were becoming more and more brittle every single day. Birds didn´t land there anymore, and I missed them so much!. However I thought it would become green again one day. But past Thursday, early in the morning the garden services of the city council came and cut it down. It was a nine meters tall tree, so it was an arduous task but even so, it only took them a couple of hours

I was such an amazing living being!, an adult couldn´t embrace its trunk and should be quite old. While they were cutting the branches I was crying, not only due to its death and my loss, but because I longing a sort of reverence from the gardeners... but they were acting like they were developing a common procedure. The tree wasn´t alive yet, it´s true but it´s greatness could still be perceived

I left home when they were finishing their work and I could smell the aroma of the wood and saw some neighbors around whose gaze expressed the same consternation. And suddenly I remembered being sat down in the little park in front my house with my mom twelve years ago or so looking at that tree and trying to guess its age. At a given moment my mom told me: wouldn´t be wonderful to live here?...

I worked all day long but I couldn´t stop thinking about the tree, I was so deeply sad... when I arrived home that night I saw the stump alone and it was heartbreaking. Next days I felt the same way, but this morning I thought it was time to change my mind. I am developing a gratitude project this month so I imagined the wise spirit of the tree leaving its wooden cuirasses and returning to the energy core from we all come from

It was bearing all the good things that happened to it when it was here: children laughs and bird nests, cooing and trills, rain and sun rays

... the hopes of a younger version of myself answering my mom: yes, it would be wonderful, but it´s not easy, see there are only a few buildings, but who knows 

and all the love we have shared here

DAY 365+3

the rain

We have been waiting for a storm and a more autumnal weather for weeks and we have had them when less expected. I was yearning for some water and I´ve been complaining about the heat and the dry weather since the summer ended. I couldn´t wait for it to come!. I imagined myself safe at home while having a nice cup of tea, but when rain finally arrived I wasn´t that happy

When I woke up and looked through my windows I started to think about all the disadvantages of a rainy day: I´d had wearing my summer shoes till the day before, so I had to look for my boots and my umbrella; then I realized that I had to walk to catch the tram carrying my bag, my laptop and many folders with me; and -to cap it all- I remembered how unpleasant a damp day can be. Quickly, my initial joy turned into disappointment and I was only able to see unforeseen difficulties around me 

While I was getting ready to go to work I was grumbling about the weather but suddenly I notice my mind´s crazy chitchat and became aware of its uselessness. It was only rain, for heaven´s sake! Simple, stunning and inevitable rain

But this is the way our mind works; it only takes a moment for it to change our mood and triggers turmoil of negative or contradictory emotions. The main reason why this occurs is because when we want something, it usually starts to create a image of what we are looking for or what is about to happen if we find it. But it doesn´t create a true image, it idealizes it according our needs and forgets reality

This has two consequences: when things happens they are not as it expected, so it rejects them and sometimes it doesn´t even recognize them because they don´t coincide with it expectations and we miss the opportunity.  Either if we meet the embodiment of our wishes and we are reluctant to accept it or if we fail to notice we have a problem... because we will keep in the search and always dissatisfied 

If we want to solve this, we can do two things: 

 We can try to expect nothing. This doesn´t mean giving up our goals, it means to start from the premise that life will unfold freely no matter our plans and we should be flexible in order to achieve them

We can try to appreciate everything. Once again this doesn´t mean having no preferences, it means to walk with the eyes wide open because this will allow us to develop our ambitions without renouncing what life offers us.

Both of them are deeply linked to acceptance and its mains lesson: we should take pleasure in life gifts (whatever they are) come rain or shine

When my mind´s chatter became evident to me, my mood turned out improved. I let my hairdryer aside, I opened the window and took some shoots to pay tribute to the beauty of the morning

Back from work, the rain had stopped and I appreciated the little treasures that it had left behind it 

... And I gave thanks not only for the so needed water, but also for my ability for acknowledging my inner dynamics and keep walking towards serenity 

DAY 365+1

come to fruition (second take)

A few hours ago I published the last post of my 365 project. To tell you the truth, I had been delaying the moment of publishing it (in fact, I was a week late, even when I was absolutely clear about what I wanted to write and had the right photo) because this was going to be  the end of an amazing experience

Some of you have asked me what I will do now. Of course, I will continue with this blog, it couldn´t be otherwise!

It  started  as a 365 days project where I wanted to post a daily photo and a short comment, about my healing moments - as its name says-, but  it has become much more than this: it has become a place where I can acknowledge  my feelings, deal with my fears and meet my true self. A place where I can open my heart and my mind and make them visible 

I didn´t expect it to be so important, but it has rescued me from boredom, anxiety, disconcertion and distrust more times than I can count. And it has given me a sense of belonging

No doubt it has gone far beyond the initial project and has gathered its own strength . Of course, this has to do with its content, and with my achievement, but also with the positive feedback I have obtained. It seems that my photos and words are appreciated in a way that I couldn´t predict when I started. I feel so grateful! 

These are the reasons why I want to keep this blog but I also want it (and myself) to walk toward new places and would  love to make room for new ideas and proposals

...I have so many plans in order to continue sharing glimpses of unexpected beauty and tiny pieces of what I have learned in new ways, that I can´t wait to start. But this won´t happen right now as I need time to rearrange my thoughts and make them feasible, but  I hope I will introduce them little by little in the months ahead`

Anyway, this will be always a place where I can be who I really am. A place where healing myself and where (if I am lucky enough) you will find inspiration to welcome your own moments of sanity

DAY 357

flowers from an angel

Blog Angels is a wonderful project started by Rosemarie Quinn. Basically you help out another blog

Along the first two weeks in October I´ve been doing such thing secretly mainly by following and commenting on it, but now I have to reveal the blog I´ve being a blog angel for: Eloping Stethoscope by the wonderful Paige

Her blog is fantastic, so dynamic and interesting. It´s characterized by a great variety of themes and activities, and it´s very interactive, there is always something new where you can take part in. She also introduce new people and sites frequently, and her writings are vivacious and compelling. What else can I say?. You should go there and have a look 

I don´t know if  I can do something else to help her out, because she is an amazing blogger and has hundreds of followers, but I think the spirit of this project (in the last two weeks) is not only to give support to the blog but also to the person who is behind it, so I am sure we will find out a way

Paige, if you need anything, please let me know... 

PS: If you like this project, and you would like to sign up, there will be another edition in December. Read here

DAY 356

at home

where love doesn´t need to wear full dress

where rooms don´t have to look like a decoration magazine´s vignette

where you can find odd cushions made by hand

where some objects don´t go very well with other but have a place anyway

where colors are vibrant and not always complementary

where not all the pictures are signed, but are significant

where books are everywhere and there are childish hearts decorating the walls

where an unfinished dollhouse is awaiting

where candles blink and raise my prayers to heaven

where crystals and mirrors are not always perfectly clean

where there are many teapots for a sole tea drinker

where a Christmas village remains on display all year long

where the bed is not made every single day

where there are not two lamps to match

where dishes get mixed up without rhyme or reason

where a pitcher can be a vase


at home, my work in progress, where an old t-shirt makes me feel all dressed up, where angels and kitties share the shelves and my heart brims with joy


at home

DAY 347

in the park

I am finally restarting my walks and catching up with all the wonderful changes that have occurred lately in the park next to my house 

One of the things that makes it  so interesting (apart from its size, it´s quite big) is the great variety of plants, flowers and trees that live there together. Our mild weather makes possible to cultivate many kind of plants that  have different growing and  flowering periods.  So when one goes there,  one always finds something interesting to look at and becomes familiar with the cycles of life without noticing

Birth and death are happening every single moment in the park  and I have learnt to appreciate the magnificent beauty of this fact and to find equally charming any step of the process

In the park I have understood that life is made of any of those steps. Life is not only present in the moments of development or in the moments of greatest splendor, it´s also present in the moments of decline. It´s present when the door is first opened till when we last close it, and  there is a radiant beauty that pervades all these moments 

We´ll be able to see it if we don´t be trapped in preconceived ideas about what life should be which are linked to perfection, immutability, control and so on 

Most of us are trapped in them, but a good walk along my park  will make us to question them and move forward a new understanding of things

DAY 286

The flamboyant trees are flowering again

There are hundreds of them around my house. The coming and going of the people, cars and the life in the city (which is a small city, anyway) don´t cast a shadow over them and their stunning beauty, but they are part of the scenery and often are not appreciated as they should be. These days their fallen flowers are covering our streets, squares and avenues but people walk and trample on them without any clemency 

I used to do that also. I´ve been living in this city fourteen years or so and I became aware of their wonderful presence only a few years ago. I was too busy, too lost in my thoughts to pay real attention to them. Of course, I could see them with my eyes, but not with my heart

However, one day, coinciding with the start of this journey, I awake to the miracle of their existence and I felt deeply grateful for them. This is one of the reasons why I used their flowers in my blog header because through them I realized that -as  Robert Fulghum said:

"To look this way is to see. To see is to have vision. To have vision is to understand. To understand is to know. To know is to become. To become is to live fully. To live fully is to matter. And to matter is to become light. And to become light is to be loved. And to be loved is to burn. And to burn is to exist. Off and on."

When I saw them again this year I realized that a year had passed since I decided to make this journey more visible and also that I had written 285 posts of this blog (!) 

I can hardly believe that I have been able to keep my determination regardless my work, my up and downs, many circumstances and problems and my mood... I feel so proud of myself. I know that this doesn´t seem a spectacular achievement, but this was so important –even vital- to me 

Along the way I have met amazingly generous persons, mostly women. They  take time to comment on my blog and are kind enough to encourage me to keep on trying. They even want to know more about me and my journey and  are glad that I am sharing it...

Well, this flower was meant to be offered up to you, my friends, with a big, big thanks!