DAY 606

I love this bend of my path

  It is not what I expected it to be, it is not safe or peaceful. It is complex and chaotic, and triggers moments of doubts. But it is thrilling and beautiful, too. It makes me feel deeply connected to the place from where I come and also quite inspired for the place I am ready to arrive.

Before, I used to think in different terms:  the place I wanted to leave versus the place I wanted to reach. Little I knew that as soon as I chose the word for this year (soar) that mindset would be drastically changed.  In fact, once I started to work on it months ago, I noticed that the idea of before and after -so to speak-  wouldn’t work. 

Quite often when we go through complicated events, we are prone to disown them, or the person we were at that moment, and we try to keep only the lessons.  It is a strategy that allows us to start healing but after some time (when we get better)  we feel that if we want to move forward, we should  reclaim ourselves wholeheartedly. 

Two months ago or so, I felt  that I was about to reach that moment. I knew  I had to immerse myself in the connection  between all I had lived  with the definition of myself from a  more authentic perspective in order to be where I dreamt of.

It was a sort of sudden revelation, and not  precisely a pleasant one, because I had the feeling that this couldbe a sort of repetition,  till I understood that Universe was giving me the chance to integrate  all my experiences in a more complex –and complete-  tapestry that was  still half-done. And so I have been doing.

I’ve been feeling this as a process of putting down roots. Also as a sort of restoration: by  trying to avoid pain, I erased many fundamental pieces that linked me to my origins and to the source of my essential energy. Without this protective support,  I have felt orphan, but now I am developing parts of myself downward. As a result, my wings have started to unfold. It may sound paradoxical but the more my sense of belonging increases, the more I feel that this will enable flight. 

Right now  I am  feeling a complex sense of heaviness or weight, an irresistible force of attraction to my own purpose and –at the same time-  I feel a lightness  made of pure joy, of pure grace.  It is as if I were on tiptoe, moving to a higher position, springing to the air, looking up, reaching heaven while  my core –my true self-  shines composed and a golden –endless- rope ties me to it.

I feel as if I were living on earth and wandering through air at the same time, an this is -believe me- a wonderful feeling that is leading me to amazing places from where I am planning to soar even higher. 

If you don't find me here, I'll be there... waiting for you.

Much Love to you, dear friends

Z.

DAY 522

it has gone

   One day one wakes up and feels that something has changed.

It is just an ordinary day:

the same house, the same walls, the same cracked sheets of glass in the windows; 

the same shaky doors,

the same old self still expectant...

But something in the quality of light, in the peace of the air, in a defiant gaze or a daring gesture shows that something has been moved.

Something has been closed,

something has been finished,

something has been overcome:

a moment, a season or cycle;

a story, a phase or a mission,

a mistaken belief,

an antique mindset;

an age that was brief

or has lasted too much.

Old patterns has been stored, 

the soul has been restored to its place,

all the grief has come to its end,

all tears has been shed already.

It´s time to conclude.

No more regrets,

no more mourning.

The wounds have been honored,

the healing is on the way.

It´s time to let go the past.


Goodbye.
End of the story.


PS: These photos were taken at an art installation. The artist (José Herrera) used an old uninhabited house and told a story about light, silence and solitude. He created something quite interesting and somehow perturbing. I visited it on Wednesday with two good girl friends and while I was going over the photos, I suddenly came up with the previous text...

DAY 508

Impatiens at home

Since a few months ago I am being able to grow plants at my house again. I always liked them, but except when I was a young student, all my attempts have ended up not very well. I remember having big plants in my first apartment and taking time to transplant and fertilize them. I had grown up surrounded by plants, so when I left my mom´s house it seemed natural to me to have pot-plants and they were also a cheap way to add a personal touch to the most boring places.

When I got my first job and later on, when I became an university teacher, little by little plants stopped being part of my habitat. Hectic schedules, my work´s demands and a long list of goals and pending achievements (not to talk about the rough waters of my emotional pains) made me dismissed many creative activities that I adored previously.

It was a progressive process, and of course, many of my passions and interests stayed with me, but not all or not in the same intense way, thus when I turned 40 I had grown apart from all things creative and many habits that used to infuse my everydayness with joy. This included artistic tasks, crafts, personal writings; having plants, sewing or cooking. 

However, when I began my inner work somehow I recovered many of those things. It made blockages vanished and this marked the start of a new stage. It was a real turning point. I understood that we all have to take ownership of our own awakening by creating our own rituals and practices. And I thought that –in my case- they could be partly made of all those things that I had abandoned (plus all the new things I was encountering), not only because they could be useful to develop it, but because they always had been important to me.

Thanks to this my level of mindfulness has experienced an exponential growth. You may ask what changed. Probably, it has been my determination to take time to evolve and emerge. To cultivate what I love. To explore what can make me happy using new tools and newly learned capacities but also those that I already had. 

This is turning every day into a true epiphany regarding the simplest things. So last November when  I found myself longing for some plants, I decided to follow my heart. I knew that I had the right state of mind to take care of them and was sure they will provide me with the connection to nature that I was looking for.

It can sound irrelevant, but not to me. This path is about the returning of my own true identity... that’s why every little sign (a simple plant growing and blooming and shinning) is extra special.

PS:  Impatiens is a genus of about 850 to 1000 species of flowering plants. Here they are commonly named the joy of the house. 

DAY365+110

autumn in my part of the world

This is no doubt, my favorite season. You may wonder how this can be possible when we are located in a subtropical belt (but with a less hot climate that many subtropical areas thanks to the trade winds and the cold ocean) and our weather has been denominated "eternal spring". 

Well... there are many reasons and not all of them are related to the weather: after much time deeply involved in the academic context some way or another, first as student and as a teacher afterward, this time of the year seems always to be a promising to me. 

However, this period which has such a suggestive name: autumnal equinox, has also unique appeal here (and there and everywhere):

The days bring some chill, but keep a wonderful brightness. 

The leaves start to fall, but the trees keep flowering (even simultaneously), so the shades of red of the leaves and of the flowers are mixed and the paths are paved also with petals. 

Bees, butterflies and birds carry on with their matters, but their joy is now more perceptible thanks to the clouds that create a cool atmosphere. 

The light is not so hard and subtle shadows are starting to take ownership of the scenery.  However, colors are still vibrant and things seems to have a beautiful glow. 

The hope of the rain is in the air (literally and metaphorically) making them shine, captivating my camera. 

This vitality outburst before the winter´s austerity always brings me back the feeling that everything can change, evolve and be brand new once and again.  Indeed, I live every autumn like an authentic re-start, in the deep sense of the word. I enjoy preparing myself for the upcoming shorter days (and the swamped agenda) and the following re-awakening. 

The certainty that something good is waiting for me around the corner and my the disposition to be -positively- amazed are almost palpable...

Oh!, friends, I love these sensations. I love how autumn makes me feel.

DAY 365+80

backstage

Every single day of our lives we wake up thinking of achieving something. We have a clear image of what we want in our minds, ideas about what we expect, about how things should be, about what we deserve. Ideas about the final result of our actions according to our linear and logical reasoning which often forgets that change can happen 

We wake up thinking of taking a couple of photos, we plan our actions and even we anticipate how beautiful the photo will look

But life has a different plan for us. A phone call and our whole existence is suddenly in a mess. An accidental conversation brings disappointment to our heart a makes crack in an old friendship. We fix our gaze on our house, our good soul mate, our dearest books and we fall in love again and again

We start to take our photos and we change this or that. A lazy cat comes to nose about and wants to enjoy the sun ray and continue her nap

We can feel annoyed, displeased. We can fight reality, and weaken along useless battles against fate. We can get upset about the circumstances, and grumble and complain. We can embitter the mood of those who are around us, but this won´t change things a bit

Or we can deal with them, accept when possible, enjoy as much as one can. We can even see the appeal of this new situation and take advantage of the opportunity that comes our way

We can take a step back, forget expectations, look at the whole situation with new eyes, and capture it in all its splendor: 

the hard shadows, the soft tummy, the not very clean windows, the precarious balance of the cup, the notebook which shouldn´t be visible, the careless posture, the atmosphere of a simple day, the evidence of the unforeseeable nature of events... 

That´s what I did, friends, I stepped back and took pleasure in the fanciful (though wise) way that life unfolds. I stepped back and revelled in this glimpse of the rear of my life, the place where magic happens

DAY 365+70

when life calls for something more than taxonomy 

I´d been yearning for taking some photos in the forest for a while now, but for some reason or another I didn´t do it  till past Sunday

I arrived there and went deep into intricate scenery and walk slowly following winding (and almost invisible) paths. The light was hazy, filtered through the leaves above, and was creating stunning patterns that often seemed pieces of filigree. But what really caught my eye were the lichens developed on the surfaces of branches and trunks. They were growing anarchical here and there, silently conquering the superficies of the trees, tenaciously, showing their unusual and peculiar charm

While I was walking I was trying to discern what I knew about these amazing creatures, but I only could remember that they are formed by the symbiotic association of a fungus and an alga. I wondered why I couldn´t remember why algae can be found  in moist ground and not only in salty water  and many other things, but I had not answer

I was there, surrounding by trees, trying to go through my memories, and then, their beauty brought about a miracle: the temporary cessation of mind´s opinions and judgments. I forgot that I was concerned by the nature of lichens and I was overcome with joy after starting to look thoroughly what was outside and abandoning the confusing passages of my thoughts

Little by little I started to keep in step with the peaceful energy that was carried gently on the air. And I felt, once again, how easy is to conform to our own inner nature (to be centered) when we are focused on the now

All my life I have wanted to know more about things, to understand why they occur. I have had the desire to categorize them, the desire to find some order

All my life I have thought that recognizing things, naming them, would help me to face up reality in a better way. All my life I have believed that studying in depth roots, causes, reasons, components... would help me to take them apart, to understand the influence of some events on me and even to bring up the circle of pain

All my life I have defended that change and appreciation comes from knowledge

But since I have started this journey I have realized that this is only true at some level 

Sometimes, knowledge doesn´t make any difference

Sometimes, our wish for understanding makes some attitudes (like forgiveness or gratitude) much more difficult

Sometimes, even when it can provide us with significant information, what matters is what we are going to do with it, how we are going to manage it to increase our consciousness. Knowledge itself is useless in order to have a more fulfilled life

Even when my analytic side is reluctant to write this, I have to admit that there is a wisdom inside me that doesn´t come from the logical reasoning of my mind, maybe because this is only one of the ways to deal with my experience here 

Maybe because there are many more ways to do it

I can think about it, of course. I can analyze it and I can unravel it. But I also can explore it, deconstruct it, enjoy it. I can co-create it, accept it, bless it, embrace it. I can appreciate it

...I can -even- simply live it

Walk and Click Wednesday

DAY 365+68

when they purr

While I was taking these photos of this little lady, she was purring loud and clear all the time. I was not touching her or talking to her, I was just trying to capture her lovely posture and the light in the terrace but the consistent pattern and frequency of her purr, made me feel relaxed and and more focused on what I was doing 

Even when many types of sound usually distract my attention (including voices and music) and makes me feel annoyed,  cat´s purr improves my concentration, and not only when I am interacting with them, but also when they are by my side and I am devoted to my own matters

This made me think about this low vibrant sound, usually considered as expressing some kind of sensorial satisfaction. It has been produced by my cats along so many different circumstances, that I have realized long time ago that it must have a deeper meaning apart from that

Indeed cats often purr when we provide them social contact, but also while they are under duress, and in particular when they are recovering from illness, and when they are happy with themselves or with what is happening around. They purr for not apparent reasons at all and when they are alone and think no one is listening them

I think that cat´s purr is a means of relate to people and communicate, but also a means of self-healing; a way to show contentment and also, a way to keep (or recover) some kind of tranquility. Last -but not least- I feel that it is an expression of love and acceptance for what they are living in a given moment

I know that many persons thinks that pets can´t feel that because these are complex emotions belonging to human beings, but I can´t help remembering my cat Malú purring when she was dying. This simple act of surrender marked a milestone in my own life by teaching one of the greatest lessons about being in the present and consciousness

Cats seem to know how to enjoy little pleasures, show delight, make the way back to their center once and again (maybe this is the reason why it´s said that they have nine lives) and be where they are without questioning fate 

This playful and darling kitty is the proof. And their purr seems to me an attempt to reveal her secret to those who want to pay attention

DAY 365+66

come and sit here with me

I hadn´t remembered that April would bring the flowering of the beautiful jacaranda trees till I saw wonderful mauve carpets covering lanes and roads 

I´ve arrived to this seat while I was wandering with my camera, 
walking on layers and layers of aromatic flowers, 
trying not to step on them if not necessary
 
It´s the same bench I have seen so many times, yet different

This is a quiet and beautiful place, 
the smell is dense and sweet, 
the earth is still damp due to spring´s downpours 
and the fallen tree leafs of fichus gleam like gold 

The light still shines even when it´s late in the evening and the ivy goes across the soil sinuously

Come and sit here with me. There is a path. Where it will lead us, I am not sure
 
It´s luminous and goes through the scented flowers, the fertile land, the yellowish and withered vegetation and the growing plants 

It´s maybe my path, your path. The path wich goes through our gifts and talents, the territory of life, the compost made by joy and suffering, the fruitful seeds of love... and gets into the unknown territory of contentment

Inhale with me the rich (even voluptuous) air. Inhale with me the spring, the warm light of the end of the day, the patches of color, the smell of an evolving world 

And now exhale with me the pain and the anger, sadness and frustration which the subtle wind will dispel. Exhale with me the story, the past, the lies, the sense of not being enough

 Open your eyes, and you will see, like me, just a what reality offers. You will see, like me, just a little jacaranda flower beautifully illuminated by the latest sun rays

And you will realize, like me, that you simply are in the right place



Walk and Click Wednesday

DAY 365+64

glimpses into the places in which joy lives

Windows have been always one of my favorite architectural details. When I look at them I imagine stories (in particular, if I can discern part of a room, a patch of fabric or someone developing an ordinary task inside it) and I am also prone to wonder how my life would be if I could live in a given house 

Thus, it´s hardly surprising they are also one of my favorite photography subjects. I guess I find them so highly appealing because they illustrate the power of our imagination. It´s amazing how a simple (and even repetitive) design avoids monotony by playing with the same elements (colors, textures and accessories) in order to create new combinations whose variety is simply awesome

Along a few years I have taken many photos of windows. Some of them are impressive because they are part of a significant building, but most of them are ordinary windows which are just lovely and creative. This proves that diversity is pleasant and enriches human experience, because it open our mind to a new conception of beauty, less stereotyped and conventional but maybe more interesting

I have often asked myself why I keep on photographing windows (even when most of the photos stay unpublished) but I hadn´t had   a clear answer -apart, of course,  from their evident charm- till a few days ago while I was looking through my files and saw them again

Then, I started to think that maybe, they illustrate my imaginary knocking at the house of joy through photography, my expectation that I will see its face through the glass of one of those openings in the walls of my city

Maybe, I hold out the hope of looking directly into its eyes, every time I go outside with my camera

Guess what? I often receive this present: my heart opens and embraces what is around when look through lens, and by doing this I experience the most simple and perfect delight. That which comes from not questioning what is

DAY 365+62

up and down

Sometimes I feel that my life is in a mess. This usually happens when I am dealing with personal conflicts related to injustice, lack of respect or abuse. I don´t tolerate well this kind of behavior which often awakes my anger and frustration... and also my need to fight for what I think is fair

This always changes my mood. It generates anxiety and when goes on for some time, it ends up distorting my perspective and undermining my good sense and my joy. And then, every aspect and facet of my existence starts to seem uncertain and problematic to me. Of course, the more frustrated and anxious I feel, the more biased my viewpoint starts to be and vice versa 

This obviously creates a kind of vicious circle that I am learning to break by becoming aware of my emotional state and managing my emotions more wisely. But from time to time, I fail, and a certain conflict threatens my tranquility in a way that is not acceptable

Obsession becomes a blemish on the peace of my mind, fear produces a sensation of powerlessness and the unreal imminence of chaos manages to circumvent my rational mind. When this occurs, logic doesn´t help me, reasoning doesn´t help me, common sense doesn´t help me... but relinquishing control often works

To tell you the truth, most of the times I have to be almost exhausted to do it and there is always an external -and unexpected- catalyst

I´ve been struggling with some of those vicious circles lately, but this week I reached a critical point. I went outside to walk and I felt totally uninspired, I sat down on a bench and wait while praying silently a bit 

When I finished,   I looked up and I could see that all the palms along the road were bearing their fruits. I hadn´t even noticed this when I started my walk but they gave me back the sense of amazement that I needed in order to counteract my turbulent state of mind 

Suddenly, while trying to capture their beauty, I started to outline a response to the situation I was going through, and I could see glimpses of a strategy that would allow me to recover my calm

I continued my walk and when arrived to the park next to my house the sun was shinning again (both literal and metaphorically speaking) and  I was clear about my attitude, and about the way I would behave from then on

Sometimes, we have to look up and accept guidance to start to listen the tiny voice that calls out inside us. Sometimes we have to listen to take up our path again with a new destination in mind
Walk and Click Wednesday

DAY 365+57

when I opt for equilibrium

I usually drag out my walks with no apparent reason. In fact, once I am outside I am reluctant to come back home, I forget my previous laziness and I want to go on and on and on 

To be honest, I often think twice when I have to leave my house. I have to remind myself that even when I am cerebral, reflective and fond of my intellectual life, I also need to roam, be erratic and follow my ramblings. I am a very task oriented person, but I also have a strong creative side, deep spiritual beliefs and a bohemian yearning which is almost secret (and hidden), so I feel that is good to permit myself to be a bit unfocused and wander instead of going always after predetermined goals

This is a way to combine all my facets, and prevent me from restraining some of them that have not been in the forefront only because they have not been encouraged or approved by myself or others. Indeed, I try to link them all through the contemplative observance of my life and the active acceptance of who I am

I have learned that I can be idealist and pragmatic, intense and mundane, introspective and passionate and also that it´s good to be open to a less dualist viewpoint. Often, polarized opinions lead us to not consider a legitimate side of ourselves that is valuable and enriching, and also necessary, because it gives us balance, a point of difference and a sense of completeness

When I make the effort to do that, I always receive great rewards. Some of them are intangible, as a great sense of fulfillment because I am developing my whole potential (no matter how divergent my attributes seem to be), and some of them are very tangible

They are little miracles that occur along the way when I decide to validate myself and don´t penalize some parts of me

Little miracles that talk about the great importance of staying open minded, to accept heterogeneity and diversity 
Little miracles that urge me to appreciate this polychromic world and let go for a moment monochrome mindset

Little miracles that illustrate the charm of change as well as the appeal of stability; the mystery of what I already know and the challenging trait of the unexpected 

Little miracles that remind me the possibility of embracing the delicacy of the ordinary and an integrative vision

Little miracles that makes me become aware of the uselessness of ego´s judgmentsLittle miracles that drive me to merge with what is 

Little miracles like a walk where I find cycles, seasons and stages coexisting peacefully and creating beauty



Walk and Click Wednesday 

DAY 365+56

blooming in the now

The old church seemed to be awaiting me. I walked alone around its solitary facade. There was not any trace of opulence, only pure simplicity, austerity, lack of sophistication and a kind of severity that comforted my heart 

It made me think how very often we make things much more complicated than they really are, much more obscure and tough than they should be. And how easy life is when we opt for being without complication, for clarity and fairness

It made me think that life indeed is not so hard to explain, so hard to understand, so hard to live... even when it is intricate and complex

I looked at all the plants that were clearing a path through the stones and flowering, the lichens that were creating awesome patterns on the ground and I realized that they were using their energy to grow up fiercely, purposefully. They were not questioning or judging their circumstances, showing resistance. In fact, they were making the most of them and they look courageous and strong and lovely

Maybe because strength comes from adaptability, resilience comes from acceptance, braveness comes from lenience and true joy can´t  exist together with artificiality 

It made me think that living with ease is not so difficult, even when it seems puzzling and uncertain,  when  we accept that we don´t need to be all the time thinking of mending our lives or waiting for the right moment to act, finding new justifications or explanations about ourselves. And also, that we don´t need to be all the time making plans or analyzing what is happening

It´s not so difficult when we, by copying another creatures, admit that we are just where we are, that we are just who we are. When we  allow ourselves to be  just here and now and to start to evolve, move and grow from this place where we are with no tricks, with no masks, with no adornment or ornament...

DAY 365+55

when life is too hectic and time is short 

when a busy schedule seems to make me unable to enjoy everydayness and I cast my inner work into oblivion  because I am too busy to calm down and do it devotedly,  I try to remember that I must stay present in every circumstance of my life, even in those which drive me crazy 

I try to remember that I must stay present in the exhausting days when I have to deal with tasks that don´t awake my true inner bliss

I try not to forget that life is cyclic and every activity has its time 

I try not to forget that even so, there is always tiny room for breathe, pray and smile,

a tiny room for appreciation and meditation

I try to accept that I have to live what comes to meet me because this is the most authentic spiritual practice 

And when routine and duties become overwhelming,I try to recover a certain sense of amazement 

I get away from the papers of my students, from the lists of things that must be done

I go outside, walk,  look around with my tired eyes... 

And I realize that indeed, there is still a glimmer of silence and solitude,

a glimmer of hope and light

places where I still meet myself, where I can sit down with myself...  

And connect with the sense of things (even of those which seems to be meaningless) again

Walk and Click Wednesday

DAY 365+52

it was a cold afternoon

the light was subtle and dense, 
it was drizzling and the misty atmosphere seemed not to be the best one to take photos


People was going back home very fast and the usual childish laughs and screams had been replaced for silence 


Even the birds were expectant what they were awaiting or anticipating, I don´t know 
but they were flying low and slowly 
and tossing their head 

...maybe because the park was almost empty and the bubbling hustle had been chased away because of the promise of the storm 


And there I was with my camera and the park at my complete disposal in all its glory 
...and I reveled in the solitude

in the first sprouts of spring

in the new, yet well known, friends

even in the magnificence of nature´s decay 

It was a fast walk, 
the wind was really freezing 
but along it I felt alive and present and joyful 


I rediscovered the magic of the camera which is creating a deep sense of connection,
a nexus between one´s own soul and the soul of the world


Walk and Click Wednesday

DAY 365+50

from behind the mask

While walking over the city along the carnival it´s not strange to stumble upon masks. They are everywhere as a reminder of our true reality: we´re always wearing them. We use them to protect us. And also as a way to please others or to pretend to be that person that we think we should be

They are like shields that prevent us from suffering, from being judged, rejected, feeling inapt or unsafe. They can make us to fit in with people around us. And even when many of them are made of the same material of our deepest layers (they are positive, yet false), some can be completely divorced from our true nature (they are false and negative)

The first ones help us to play roles, and most of the time we can wear them without stopping being ourselves. But the second ones make us feel aliens in our own existence, emotions and wishes. They make us behave strangely and prevent us from living intensely, consciously. They drain us of our essence

Anyway, wearing any type of mask can be dangerous if we end up believing that we are what we show to the rest of the world. So the most important thing is being aware of them and be careful about those which create a feeling of powerless in us

Stripping off the masks we are wearing is not easy because our society (and persons around us) constantly pressures us to use them: we have to fit their. It´s a process. We can learn to recognize them, to indentify which of them are not useful anymore, even which one can be damaging and also, we can learn to remove what makes us to get away from our center

But this calls for practice . We need to  stay true to ourselves (and this means to admit that we are resorting to masks, if we are doing so) to embrace our vulnerability and dare to be mask-free 

This might seem risky. Indeed, it is. Not only because authenticity is always a hazard but because we can find out that our identity is too complex and changeable with and without masks. This also might seem intimidating, awkward. Once again, it is. We have never been this close to lay bare

But if we have been clever enough, strong enough and daring enough to create our own masks and go through our lives wearing them, we´ll be wise enough to accept that we are not our masks. We´ll be brave enough to take off our costumes and go into the intriguing mystery of self

We´ll be generous enough to challenge others to be there with us... in a territory where being simply who we are is admissible and non-duality is a possibility

Today, take a moment to explore your masks compassionately. You´re using them for a reason but maybe you don´t need them as much as you think, you are beautiful just as you are


Walk and Click Wednesday