DAY 607

relapses and reminders

Since I started this journey, every August I go through the same process.  Before the beginning  of holiday, I prepare a list of how to use well my free days in order to achieve all the goals that I have set aside the rest of the year. These lists are more intrincate every passing year and include goals that have to do with personal projects which cannot be developed while teaching at university, not only because my work is complex  (or I can be prone to procrastinate), but because they demand a state of mind that is not compatible with preparing classes, attending meeting, checking papers and so on. But as soon as I try to do it, I feel just exhausted.  

This  month hasn’t been a exception.  I have been the last ten days (in particular, since Monday)  struggling against this, trying to overcome it  by allowing myself to rest and feeling guilty at  the same  time.  Finally, I realized that I’ve been playing this same role at least during the last three or four years maybe because every single time, I  have forgot to include in my list things that have to do with making a pause. And  also that every single year my wiser self forces me to make such pause  some way or another.

Retrospectively I see that I could have been happier those days just by accepting my situation  and by acting accordingly.  This would have happened if  I would have been able to stop making (or trying to make),  and mainly if I would have been able to stop expecting, longing or  rejecting. Obviously, there is nothing I can do regarding the past days, but I am determined  (once again) to approach the following weeks more consciously… just because I know I can do it.

Yesterday, while  I was thinking of  writing this post, I came across this photo of a page of my journal. While looking at it, I became aware of  all the strategies I have developed  along my  life in order to keep that conscious approach,  and wondered why it becomes so difficult sometimes, and in particular every August. I came to the conclusion that the end of academic course  (and any other  stressing  situation) seems to be a good moment   for the perfectionist inside me to arise and generate all sort of expectations without taking into account my needs. Once I realized that everything fits into place.  

Today,  I am  feeling  how my energy is returning and I am sure that soon I will feel ready to do  what I had planned.  And even when I am  also sure that I still have to deal with this biased perspective which was developed as a response to  circumstances of my early life, there  is hope in my heart. 

Probably, because now  I don’t try to mend my actions (or reactions), I just accept them and keep going, trusting that I will manage to reach my destiny. 

I hope you are having an easy summer, dear friends.

Much Love

Z. 

DAY 592

in {and out} Week 26: Animals

We live in the era of great speeches and declarations, of great (and not so great) causes. Most of them deal with ideas and terms that fall within the sphere of the morality and try to set some rules of conduct. As a result, they delimit the correctness of certain behaviors. What can be done, what shouldn't be done.

Social media and mass media often work as loudspeakers of these speeches, so they gain adepts. They work also as a coercive power that forces us to stay faithful to their statements. But it seems to me that this creates double standards: what we say and what we do.

Don't get me wrong, I truly believe that many of those speeches are needed, that the requirements for a better world should be promoted, but the way this is done, makes a difference.

I see clear dissimilarities between educate by giving tools that allow us to analyze reality, be aware of our impact and change the way we act and indoctrinate which means to force a person to accept a point of view uncritically. When we do this last thing, we generate the double standards that I mentioned above. The person knows the doctrine, but doesn't know how to act accordingly or to assess consequences.

University seems to be the perfect ground for all this and teaching there have made me realize how dangerous this can be. These contradictions don't help to achieve what we are looking for, in fact, they provoke the opposing effect.

Change is not easy but is urgent. It demands coherence and determination. All the mystic masters say that it only will happen if we do little things with much consciousness. And I believe this to be true. I think we need the trends toward renewals on this society, but we also need personal commitment.

I try to teach this to my students: To get involved; To be intensely present. Not to follow the stream. And often, (that's why I am talking about this on this post) I give them the following examples:

 Are you in favor to protect the elderly?. Go and visit your grandparents or your great-grandparents. Go there and stay with them a whole day. Listen their stories; help them to go through an ordinary day. Stay with them while they eat or have a nap. Laugh with them. Be aware of their state of mind. See what they need. Forget all theories and practice empathy. Allow yourself to be there. Be mindful.

Are you in favor of the rights of animals? Love one single animal first. Love him (or her) so deeply that you feel that the boundaries between animals and humans become blurred. Look at his (or her) eyes and feel that you are one with that creature. Feel your hearts beating, slowly. Allow yourself to be there. Be mindful.

Once this is done, once you learn to merge your philosophy and your practice, you're ready to take the next step, whatever it be

I tell them so, not only because as far as I am concerned, actions speak louder than words. But because they have to be infused with emotions and knowledge, they have to be approached from sentience and awareness.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 365+40

Why?

Why am I doing this? 

I should be productive and efficient and much more ambitious. I should target my energies towards improving my professional career. I should be checking my schedule, developing important projects. I should be trying to meet the right people, to stay in the right place and finding ways to achieving new merits. I should be interested in reputation, success or influence. I should be looking for the sort of prestige that gives glamour and social status. I should build up a conventional life

That´s what many persons around me are doing: they are trying to gather tangible evidences of their goodness, of their competence, of their charm... and maybe I should be doing the same. But I don´t manage to persuade myself to do it

I want time to bring conciousness to my life

I want to do my work slowly and enjoy the tiny moments of awareness of my students

I want to slow down and make pauses

I want to muse on the meaning of things. I want to hear the big silence inside me and pay attention to the whispering voice of my soul

I want to experience moments of reverie and moments of sudden revelations.

I want to be open to what comes to meet me. I want to cultivate presence and intention. I want to learn more about the world around me and to let go what have imprisoned me. I want to have fun and play.

I want to feel amazed. I want to cultivate joy and simplicity

I want to give up futility

I want to relinquish vanity

... I want time to come here and make the hidden beauty of my life visible


Linking to:

Inspire me Fridays   Favorite Photo Friday   Photo Art Friday   Friendship Friday

DAY 365+27

brief recap and reaffirmation

So the last day of the year finally arrived and gone by. I have no way to enumerate all the significant things that past year has brought me. I am not sure I want to make a long list of achievements or the challenges I have faced up successfully (yet with much pain sometimes)

My main intention along 2012 was to embrace whatever could come to meet me. I wanted to go further than acceptance which to me is a more passive attitude, but I didn´t imagine that through this process my prejudices about who I should be and my true needs started to grow apart

I thought that by embracing my life I wouldn´t question my reality, but I have stopped questioning myself. This has been the main consequence of my practice this year: I´ve realized that I can´t embrace the rest of the world if I don´t embrace myself first. So I have started to validate my own feelings and be kind to me. This has made me understand that I have to love myself much more than I actually do. Love myself even amidst a lack of accomplishment, love myself even when there is not nothing important to tell, love myself even when I am fragile or wrong, love myself when I can´t show any distinction or merit...

Maybe because this has happened, today I don´t feel like making a list describing fleeting moments of awareness, days of sorrow, the sudden joy that has hit me so often, the sweet and increasing sense of belonging that I have be feeling, the lapses back into former frames of mind and the tender recovering that has forced me to get in touch with my most highest self, through vulnerability. I don´t need to take stock of this year (not anymore) to prove myself that it has been fruitful or to demonstrate that I am good enough

Almost every day I have came here with my raw emotions and I have dealt with them using what I had at hand: a trained mind to observe, my pensive mood, my introspective character, my ability for feeling joy and focusing on beauty, my wounded heart, my brave spirit. Moment after moment, step by step. This has helped me to close some doors and open new ones and for this I am grateful, but I don´t need to display my medals (not anymore).

This is not a highest, final or decisive point, it is just another stretch of my path towards a more intentional life.

The new year has come and I will try to honor and celebrate the old lessons and learn the new ones… patiently, compassionately, respectfully, reverently. Moment after moment, step by step.

Wishing you all the best in 2013. Much Love Z.

DAY 365+23

gathering the fruits of awareness

So the prophecies about the end of the world have shown to be baseless. And here we are with a little bit of extra time, with an additional edition of our lives where we can be whoever we want to or do whatever we wish 

If yesterday would have been the last day of my life, many of my dreams would have been useless but also my sufferings, contradictions and false expectations. So why are they so important?

The metaphor of the rebirthing (so close to Christmas imaginary) holds this meaning: we can make up our mind, we can decide to let go those things that are an obstacle and prevent us from being happy. We can modify our attitude, we can choose and there is no need to die in order to do it. We only have to change those things we want to change and forget about the others

I don´t want to leave this world right now, I so much love life, but a refreshed version of my current life would be appealing. So I am going to imagine this week that I am rebirthing and awakening to it

I don´t want to alter the past, but I am going to leave it behind and fly. I am going to empower my true self and make the most of my days. I have embraced my life all this year, I have gone through amazingly beautiful territories and through dark ones, and I have lived every single experience that came to meet me, but it´s time to focus on the harvest: achieving wisdom and don´t give it the chance to turn into joy is disgraceful

In a few hours I´ll be 48 year old and I feel that this birthday is meant to be a true turning point. It is going to be a rebirth, I am sure. A whole world (the world that I created to survive, where I ended up to be secluded) will indeed finish to me. And I won´t look back