DAY 609

back to school

I am tiptoeing, slowly, trying to feel the old emotion, trying to rescue the old sense of anticipation.

Some days I wake up and I feel too old to feel amazed, too tired. Probably because  I have resolved so many pending issues, because I have gone through so much.

I thought this would make me be inspired, but I just can feel that I have seen too much, felt too much...  that I have lost naivety, and the desire to start anew.

Does wisdom have to do with it?, because I really feel wiser now, but  I feel also that I am convalescent.  I am recovering from the life I had  and I am somehow mourning the life I had not. And I am also trying to internalize my own transmutation, to assume this absence of fighting.

Today I have the serenity , the knowledge, the joy I longed for. Pain has stopped and suffering has faded away, but I cannot find the old impulse, the need to move forward.

Did it come from anger?. Did it come from the need of surviving?. I think so. It was the only way I could have overcome what I have lived, but now I had to deal with this exhaustion. 

It seems that I only can rest and wait, keep the practice and become aware of who I am now, what I want now, every single day.

I will adapt to live at peace. I am sure. I will let go the remaining effects of my struggle, and the sense that something is wrong because I don't feel the same. I won't be in-between anymore.

Meanwhile, I am tiptoeing, slowly,  looking inside me, searching through my inner resources, finding the lost expectation of the first day of school: the need to learn, to discover, to connect the points. I know this will help me. 

My students are waiting. See you in the classroom.

DAY 591

sigh of relief

Grief is still here,
and sadness and the sense of emptiness.

And the lack of certainties,
and the incredulity, 
and the sorrow. 

And the astonishment,
and the tears.

And even so,
I still can find joy and beauty in the little things.

I am tempted to feel guilty,
I do feel odd.

And even so,
I cherish this ability of mine
because I know it is my anchor
and my lifesaver.

It helps me to keep a sense of fulfillment,
a sense of belonging,
a sense of amazement.

And maybe someday,
not today
nor tomorrow... someday,
this pain will be less sharp,
the wound less deep,
and the living experience, smoother. 

Meanwhile,
I appreciate the allure of this world
when it catches me by surprise.

Meanwhile,
I treasure these tiny moments of unexpected joy,
of unexpected beauty.

Because I know that without them,
I would be lost.

DAY 580

in {and out} Week 16: Spring Selfie

I´ve been wearing mostly black, since January. In fact, during all these months I have only worn black or grey sweaters with jeans or black leggings; black jackets and anoraks;  black high leg boots with high heels, flat short boots or ankle boots; black, ochre or grey scarves and black or tortoiseshell sunglasses. The only exception to this rule has been a coat with a subtle animal print, silvery or golden accessories and pearls. I´ve been doing that not only because I felt very sad after some important losses, a few unfortunate events and many changes, but because I needed to feel strong and confident and and black always makes me feel this way, it´s good for me.

I think this fixation has its origins in my early life. When I was a girl, black was not considered an adequate color for kids. It was too formal or too gloomy but I always found it appealing. It was the color of grief, it´s true: the image of persons dressed in mourning is part of my childhood -in particular, widows-, but it also symbolized sophistication, elegance, allure and even certain intellectualness and a rebellious mood (at least, to me). So, as soon I could, I started to wear it and I felt much more refined and worldly-wise than I really was.

As a result, this color is a sort of thermometer that allows me to measure my mood. When I am happy and in high spirits, when reaffirming myself is not important and my charm and grace don´t concern me, when I feel strong enough and self-reliant, when I deal with life at ease and I am accepting it with joy... in short when I am well-balanced,  most of my black clothes stay inside my wardrobes. But if the need arises, I know I can always resort to them.

This time I thought I wouldn’t be able to stop wearing them. Talking with my mother a month ago or so, I mentioned this to her and she guaranteed me that the joy would be back now and again, even after her time to leave me come (she said). Her argument was plain and convincing: not one person would have survived if this were not true. I knew she was right (she had to confront the death of her husband, her mother, a sister and a brother apart from many other emotional losses within five years), so I prepared myself to wait.

As my mother predicted, joy is returning to my life little by little this spring. And so calm and acceptance are doing. When a week ago, I was a bit reluctant to wear black, I knew that it was the definitive sign of readjustment I had been waiting for. I still don´t feel like wearing very spring-like outfits, I still need black to go out there... specially to work, but when I go for a relaxed walk or while I am quiet at home with my journals I choose vibrancy. I choose faith. I choose hope.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project.