DAY 610

with gratitude

As this year comes to an end, I start to feel the need to review what it has given to  me, what I have learnt, what I have lost or accepted. However, as usual, my first step will be acknowledging what I am thankful for ... and there is not a  better day than today to begin to count my blessings, my little epiphanies, the small (or big) miracles that continue to occur in my life and the countless gifts.

I didn't grow up with this tradition of sharing what makes me feel gratitude although it is part of our Christian culture giving thanks to God for the good (and not so good) things, but this healing journey has made me embrace the idea of honoring my life through gratitude all year round and also in predetermined dates.

So here I am, ready for my own, personal, thanksgiving. No turkey or any other celebration, just this simple post as expression of gratitude.  To be honest, at this precise moment I have a huge list of things which I am grateful for, but if I had to mention just a few, I would choose the following:

- I am grateful for the person I have become. Sometimes, wind didn't seem to be blowing in the right direccion, but I have managed to arrive to a safe port where I can be the person I always knew I was aimed at being. This year I feel  this to be true more than ever before, and also I have the strong conviction that I am finally shinning with my own light

- I am grateful for my determination to be who I am, and for all the things that have come to meet me along 2016: for the clarity, the will, the boundaries and the authenticity, for my roots and my wings

- I am grateful for the incredible support that I have received from persons that I didn't even know a few years ago and now I call friends. It has made me realize the importance of what I have to offer to this world. And I am also thankful for all the persons (friends or not)  that along this year have reached me to whisper some way or another, "you are good enough"

- I am grateful for having listened my own inner voice and for defending my criteria in so many areas of my life along this year, either the professional life, the way I teach my student, my options at university or the decisions I have made regarding my mother's welfare, my relatioships, my creativity or my personal growing. I know this has helped me to build the life I truly want, that which made sense to my true essence

- I am grateful for this precious life of mine, because even with its ups and down, it is interesting and filled with love, kindness and dreams, and because I now feel that I have learnt to trust it fully

- And last -but not least- I am grateful for this tiny spot in the universe. And for all you.

Much Love dear friends and Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it,


Z. 

DAY 609

back to school

I am tiptoeing, slowly, trying to feel the old emotion, trying to rescue the old sense of anticipation.

Some days I wake up and I feel too old to feel amazed, too tired. Probably because  I have resolved so many pending issues, because I have gone through so much.

I thought this would make me be inspired, but I just can feel that I have seen too much, felt too much...  that I have lost naivety, and the desire to start anew.

Does wisdom have to do with it?, because I really feel wiser now, but  I feel also that I am convalescent.  I am recovering from the life I had  and I am somehow mourning the life I had not. And I am also trying to internalize my own transmutation, to assume this absence of fighting.

Today I have the serenity , the knowledge, the joy I longed for. Pain has stopped and suffering has faded away, but I cannot find the old impulse, the need to move forward.

Did it come from anger?. Did it come from the need of surviving?. I think so. It was the only way I could have overcome what I have lived, but now I had to deal with this exhaustion. 

It seems that I only can rest and wait, keep the practice and become aware of who I am now, what I want now, every single day.

I will adapt to live at peace. I am sure. I will let go the remaining effects of my struggle, and the sense that something is wrong because I don't feel the same. I won't be in-between anymore.

Meanwhile, I am tiptoeing, slowly,  looking inside me, searching through my inner resources, finding the lost expectation of the first day of school: the need to learn, to discover, to connect the points. I know this will help me. 

My students are waiting. See you in the classroom.

DAY 606

I love this bend of my path

  It is not what I expected it to be, it is not safe or peaceful. It is complex and chaotic, and triggers moments of doubts. But it is thrilling and beautiful, too. It makes me feel deeply connected to the place from where I come and also quite inspired for the place I am ready to arrive.

Before, I used to think in different terms:  the place I wanted to leave versus the place I wanted to reach. Little I knew that as soon as I chose the word for this year (soar) that mindset would be drastically changed.  In fact, once I started to work on it months ago, I noticed that the idea of before and after -so to speak-  wouldn’t work. 

Quite often when we go through complicated events, we are prone to disown them, or the person we were at that moment, and we try to keep only the lessons.  It is a strategy that allows us to start healing but after some time (when we get better)  we feel that if we want to move forward, we should  reclaim ourselves wholeheartedly. 

Two months ago or so, I felt  that I was about to reach that moment. I knew  I had to immerse myself in the connection  between all I had lived  with the definition of myself from a  more authentic perspective in order to be where I dreamt of.

It was a sort of sudden revelation, and not  precisely a pleasant one, because I had the feeling that this couldbe a sort of repetition,  till I understood that Universe was giving me the chance to integrate  all my experiences in a more complex –and complete-  tapestry that was  still half-done. And so I have been doing.

I’ve been feeling this as a process of putting down roots. Also as a sort of restoration: by  trying to avoid pain, I erased many fundamental pieces that linked me to my origins and to the source of my essential energy. Without this protective support,  I have felt orphan, but now I am developing parts of myself downward. As a result, my wings have started to unfold. It may sound paradoxical but the more my sense of belonging increases, the more I feel that this will enable flight. 

Right now  I am  feeling a complex sense of heaviness or weight, an irresistible force of attraction to my own purpose and –at the same time-  I feel a lightness  made of pure joy, of pure grace.  It is as if I were on tiptoe, moving to a higher position, springing to the air, looking up, reaching heaven while  my core –my true self-  shines composed and a golden –endless- rope ties me to it.

I feel as if I were living on earth and wandering through air at the same time, an this is -believe me- a wonderful feeling that is leading me to amazing places from where I am planning to soar even higher. 

If you don't find me here, I'll be there... waiting for you.

Much Love to you, dear friends

Z.

DAY 602

the beginning of something

There is a feeling inside me that is telling me that things are going to change. It has nothing to do with a well articulated reasoning or with a careful analysis of data, it is something much more visceral, more intuitive (related to my mood and my energy) that advices me that I am getting closer to a shift in my life, to a positive turning point.

Somehow, after a long process where what I have been done was based on my will power, on the practice, I am opening to the evidence that all what I was longing for is actually here. I can barely explain this, it seems to me that I am starting to wise up to the tricks that were preventing me to see my path. And I am listening –again- the little voice within that says “It is time”.

And indeed, it is time!. Time to move forward and start a new stage; time to let go old conditionings and beliefs; time to give up the destructive idea of perfectionism, and the useless image of myself; time to stop being reluctant and to be intrepid; time to abandon complexity and drama; time to get ready for the dreams the universe has for me; time to open that new door and get involved in this new episode that is about to start.

I am opening my eyes to new possibilities deliberately, and this is giving me the determination (or the predisposition) to embrace them without an ounce of laziness and to act accordingly. It may seem that nothing is moving or growing on the edges of my life, it may seem that I am turning my back on these changes because I keep with my ordinary life and still deal with the same trivialities and everyday challenges. It may seem that I am only fooling myself, but if you come with me deep inside, where my essence inhabits, you will find yourself in the eye of a hurricane.

In that place nothing can disturb or distort my vision. There I can see clearly my destiny, my purpose, the force that has led me here. No matter If I think that I am not doing enough, if the thousands things I have to do push me in the wrong direction, or my concerns make me feel downhearted. No matter if I stop to smell the flowers, if I opt for some sacrifices in the name of love or if I spend some time here and there. No matter if some days I feel tired and I see my wounds wide open again, or if I am only able to take baby steps or if I forget to trust my process blindly... because the universe has a plan, my soul has a plan, and they do trust blindly my capability. So, some way or another,  I am developing it, achieving its goals which -curiously enough- coincide with my most cherished dreams.

Am I lucky?

DAY 599

new (old) me

Sorry for the long absence. After all the things I had to deal with along the first semester of the year and afterwards, many things are moving in my life and I haven’t been sure about how to share that here. I don’t know where to start. I am enjoying my classes again very much. I have no time literally for doing all the creative things that come to my mind. Not only regarding photography, but also regarding many other areas. Indeed I have started a few new projects and have connected with many interesting persons. My inner work is being relevant again and I have reached a new stage linked to my self-knowledge.

Little or nothing has really changed in my life, or at university, or at home… my schedule keeps being hectic (in particular in November) and everydayness evolves as expected, with its ups and downs: my mom turned 91 years old a couple of weeks ago (lucky me!), she is starting to be a bit forgetful and so on... but I feel completely… alive. I cannot find a better word. This big amount of powerful energy has taken me by surprise and has left me thrilled and a bit hyperactive. I’ve been exploring much out of my comfort zone, and now the time to systematize is about to arrive. Or so I think.

I feel that I am making room for new experiences and perspectives, that I am closing a cycle, that many of my early (and recent) lessons have led me to this point of my life. When I turned 50 last December, I really felt that the best was yet to come, soon I had to go through many sad circumstances, but I never lost the faith. Now, I know that I was not wrong.

This year with its pain and all, has been amazingly interesting, enlightening and rewarding. Unconditional love has been one of its key notes. A love which is bigger than life, bigger than death. And this has transformed me deeply. It has awakened in me the need to stay fully aware. To inspire and be inspired. To be in awe of my own beauty. To be immersed in the mysteries of this existence. To dwell only in joy.

This blog was created to document my healing process. I am happy to inform that today I am much closer to my own true self than ever before. My journey will continue. And this blog will be my journal, but I am sure that its contents will change as much as challenges are changing and demanding a more expansive horizons. I can't wait to fly.

DAY 579

in {and out} Week 15: Water

My mother always had quite a green thumb. Her skills at growing plants were mostly intuitive (or learnt from her ancestors) and it provided her much pleasure. As a result, I grew up seeing her enjoying this activity. We lived in an isle without much water and without gardens, neighbors grew their plants in pots and they placed them all over their houses including the patios that traditionally were full of them. 

One of the things I remember is the amazing variety of containers that one could find in a single place. There were the usual clay pots, often profusely (and even extravagantly) decorated and any kind of repurposed stuff depending on the imagination (and needs) of the owners.

I also remember the lush vegetation, the splash of green indoors -when outdoors all were black and brown and blue and white- that made everyone be deeply aware of the great importance of water.

And last but not least, I remember the liking for exchanging cuttings. My mother was very fond of this, she loved to gather pieces such roots, branches or leaves to start new plants and she kept her fondness even after our move to a bigger isle where we could buy plants, seeds, peat moss, fertilizer etc.

When I was I child this attitude often embarrassed me. When I was a teen it simply drove me crazy. No matter where we were, if she was seeing a plant that she wanted to have, my mother gently asked for a cutting, she took a spotless white handkerchief of her handbag (often with a tiny lace or a subtle embroidery) and wrapped the cutting with it while smiling. Regardless of my annoyance, back home I shared her enthusiasm and along the following days I contemplated amazed the growing roots through the glass of the mason jars where she usually placed them.

When I left my mom´s house and started to have my house, I was too involved in my own matters and my professional career to recognize the worth of all those experiences. I bought a plant from time to time and tried to do my best to keep it alive but I was not present enough to achieve that goal. As time passed, I stopped having plants at home.

This saddened my mother. She could not understand why they were not important to me, why being her daughter (coming from where I come from) I was not able to appreciate their beauty and master the use of water that was –according to her opinion- the only secret to growth healthy plants… but I can be very resistant, so I persevered in my refusal to have plants.

However, a year ago or so, I decided to give them a new chance. I only have a few, but I am seing how the knowledge, tricks and odd habits of my mother are emerging. Now I understand better that attention is important; I am learning to respect and thank water and not to take life for granted. I also love to collect cuttings (!) and I treat them as she used to do: I display them beautifully and I wait impatient to the first sign of something new.

And when this happens, I told it to my mother who still loves plants (although she cannot take care of them personally) and expect her almost unnoticeable sigh of joy when she gets ready to give me some wise advice. Then I close my eyes and feel her beautiful energy once again. 


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 574

in {and out} Week 12: Books

Books have been with me since I can remember and reading is no doubt, one of my favorite activities ever. Indeed, once I learned how to do it, I haven´t stopped. Regardless of life circumstances, hectic schedules or overwhelming responsibilities,  I always have books at hand.

I read poetry, essays and novels of different types or on different subjects (just as a hobby) and I guess I have many habits and peculiarities that are typical of avid readers: I am truly faithful to some authors and I think of some characters as they were real persons. I am prone to imagine alternative situations to those which are part of the plot. I adore reading series of books with the same main protagonists and expect anxiously every new installment. I remember their stories, suffer with their conflicts and feel pleased with their successes. I often question the author (or characters) decisions along a novel and I usually discover myself being reluctant to accept some endings or to read the final chapter... in particular, when I have fallen in love with the story.

I could go on and on and on, but I´ll only mention one last thing: when it comes to books themselves, I feel a strong attachment to them as physical objects. The reason why this happens is not only because they allow me to go inside a parallel universe just opening them (this is captivating per se!), but because I find them extremely beautiful. I adore their appearance, their smell, their presence and as a result I love having them around me.

In fact, apart from ejoying the pleasures of reading, I also enjoy very much arranging and rearranging my books in beautiful -yet practical- ways, making them part of the decoration of my house, mixing and matching them creatively. I don´t like the traditional libraries where books seem to be inanimate items put in alphabetical order. On the contrary, I love to display them, creating little altars or still lifes.

Books have been (still are) an important part of my existence, of who I am. I have discovered, laughed and cryed much with them, they have been my wings and my roots, my friends, my solace in sorrow and an endless source of joy... so I cannot help but honor this relationship by making them visible.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 557

today

December has been a hectic month. I haven´t been around as much as I would have liked. Indeed, I wanted to explore Christmas season with my camera or have time to write about my feelings related to my inner work along this time of the year but I have had no time to socialize or stay connected. Finally, I am learning to go with the flow, so no regrets. Thanks to this, a quite complicated year has brought me peace and joy and a deep sense of belonging.

Have a wonderful day, dear friends and thanks so much for your love and support, my journey wouldn´t be so enriching, interesting and rewarding without you all. Your presence in my life has been a blessing.

This evening is also my birthday I will be 50 years old and I am determined to celebrate that I am right here, right now.

Merry, merry Christmas!!

Much Love,

Z.

DAY 542

determined to see for myself

Lately I have found myself thinking about the elderly quite often. Not only because I am facing the ageing of my own mother, which is a very challenging situation (yet somehow rewarding as it gives a new dimension to our relationship),  but also, because I can see how the number of persons obsessed by youth is increasing every passing day.

When I read articles or look at advertisements or images of any kind, I feel that our society is concerned by ageing (me too) and it´s struggling against it not always in a very positive way.

This battle occurs in many fields and the persons of my age or so are who are fighting harder -I think- to avoid health, emotional,  social or aesthetical issues related to ageing. I know that it is not easy to deal with certain situations related to it and I truly believe that we have to look for the best quality of life... but we have to be clear that this won´t prevent us from getting older.

On the other hand, it doesn´t have to mean feeling less useful, radiant or fulfilled. On the contrary, it can mean being all those things but in a different way. Or maybe, getting older really means that we won´t be those or other things anymore, so what?. We still will be persons, human beings, here, trying to do our best, learning, living, feeling...

I know that any society is led by certain ideals and obviously they try to domesticate our nature. That´s why our social, aesthetical, emotional or health aspirations can be unnatural, this is the rationale of civilization, but maybe we should pay attention when they start to be unreal according to current circumstances and possibilities.

I cannot help feeling that some of these efforts would be much more productive if they were focussed on changing our mindset and social prejudices or preconceived ideas about this subject that is culturally constructed. In particular, those who are so biased and corrupted that make us lose direction and forget what is important. In particular, those which impact deeply on the existence of many persons by making them feel a mistake, by making them be invisible before our eyes.

When I saw those two ladies, I didn´t see decline or lack of charm... but what is most important: amidst the busy morning in the park, I saw them.... that´s why this is my Photo-Heart Connection for July. 

DAY 541

leap of faith

And suddenly my heart did what I thought was not possible.

I am not sure how or why this exactly happened,
how or why it overcame the gap between what I wanted and what I was able to do,
between what my soul was whispering and what my mind was ordering,
between prejudices and what I knew to be true,
between disillusion and hope.

But it did it. It opened its wings and took the sky without prior notice.

It left its place, the little room of my chest without hesitation,
it chose to fly and opted for believing,
for realizing an old yearn which was telling it that there was something bigger, better.

And by doing that, it broke my limited mind frames,
my shields and my bonds,
my links to what I was giving for granted.

Only to find out that my skepticism was indeed, lack of love,
lack of love disguised as arrogance and need of being perfect.

My skepticism was indeed fear,
fear of trusting my life, myself,
fear of showing my vulnerability.

My scepticism was indeed resistance, even when every single cell of my body was longing for surrendering.

I was not brave enough, you know, but my heart was.

How or why it managed to raise itself and shake my world, I don´t know. But it did it.

And by doing that, it stirred up a new passion for life,
it created a new sense of self
and changed completely the way I deal with my time here.

At this moment I am living in this place named now just because my little, tireless, heart lifted the veil which was preventing me of seeing and loving what is.

Could I be more lucky?