DAY 599

new (old) me

Sorry for the long absence. After all the things I had to deal with along the first semester of the year and afterwards, many things are moving in my life and I haven’t been sure about how to share that here. I don’t know where to start. I am enjoying my classes again very much. I have no time literally for doing all the creative things that come to my mind. Not only regarding photography, but also regarding many other areas. Indeed I have started a few new projects and have connected with many interesting persons. My inner work is being relevant again and I have reached a new stage linked to my self-knowledge.

Little or nothing has really changed in my life, or at university, or at home… my schedule keeps being hectic (in particular in November) and everydayness evolves as expected, with its ups and downs: my mom turned 91 years old a couple of weeks ago (lucky me!), she is starting to be a bit forgetful and so on... but I feel completely… alive. I cannot find a better word. This big amount of powerful energy has taken me by surprise and has left me thrilled and a bit hyperactive. I’ve been exploring much out of my comfort zone, and now the time to systematize is about to arrive. Or so I think.

I feel that I am making room for new experiences and perspectives, that I am closing a cycle, that many of my early (and recent) lessons have led me to this point of my life. When I turned 50 last December, I really felt that the best was yet to come, soon I had to go through many sad circumstances, but I never lost the faith. Now, I know that I was not wrong.

This year with its pain and all, has been amazingly interesting, enlightening and rewarding. Unconditional love has been one of its key notes. A love which is bigger than life, bigger than death. And this has transformed me deeply. It has awakened in me the need to stay fully aware. To inspire and be inspired. To be in awe of my own beauty. To be immersed in the mysteries of this existence. To dwell only in joy.

This blog was created to document my healing process. I am happy to inform that today I am much closer to my own true self than ever before. My journey will continue. And this blog will be my journal, but I am sure that its contents will change as much as challenges are changing and demanding a more expansive horizons. I can't wait to fly.

DAY 591

sigh of relief

Grief is still here,
and sadness and the sense of emptiness.

And the lack of certainties,
and the incredulity, 
and the sorrow. 

And the astonishment,
and the tears.

And even so,
I still can find joy and beauty in the little things.

I am tempted to feel guilty,
I do feel odd.

And even so,
I cherish this ability of mine
because I know it is my anchor
and my lifesaver.

It helps me to keep a sense of fulfillment,
a sense of belonging,
a sense of amazement.

And maybe someday,
not today
nor tomorrow... someday,
this pain will be less sharp,
the wound less deep,
and the living experience, smoother. 

Meanwhile,
I appreciate the allure of this world
when it catches me by surprise.

Meanwhile,
I treasure these tiny moments of unexpected joy,
of unexpected beauty.

Because I know that without them,
I would be lost.

DAY 582

in {and out} Week 17: Flowers

I am almost a newcomer to photography. My husband always thought that I could develop my creativity through it, but I only started to contemplate that possibility after having my first digital camera and taking an on-line class about self-portraiture (almost by chance). Once that happened, I began to explore the world around me with the camera in my hand and I realized that I just loved it. 

Photography has been a delightful activity along the last four years, it has helped me to improve my inner work which is quite important to me, but it has also permitted me to figure out how my creative mind works.

When I was young  I aspired to develop an artistic career (something that I never did), so I though a lot about what I should create and always the same type of things came to my mind: something impressive, complex or very profound from an intellectual point of view. But when I started to create I wasn´t able to make something like that. I created things that were symbolic and very detailed, precise, well executed and even imaginative but not intense or dramatic. Professors encouraged me to develop my talent but I simply couldn´t believe in it. I concluded that I had not what an artist needs and this (along with another issues) prevented me to look for specialized training. I kept creating but I choose to study education instead of arts.

When I started to take photos on a regular basis,  soon I felt drawn to certain kind of images and compositions. And soon, my prejudices about the advisability of that approach arose. I wanted to take street photos, black and white portraits, images that would reveal hidden aspects of society but once again I was caught up in contradictory feeling.  My mind wanted to try all that,  but my heart was fascinated with simple scenes of the domestic life, with little graces of everydayness and often fell victim to nature´s charms.

A voice inside my mind shouted for pain every time I took a photo following my heart.  After every click of the camera´s release, I had to listen: "Flowers, birds and cups of tea again, seriously?", but I was overflowing with joy and my creativity was increasing, so I learnt to ignore it, something I was not able to do when I was much younger. This allowed me to explore and refine my style and to admit that I am a person oriented to understand the whole picture through the close examination of all its details.

Now I don´t refuse to be who I am. I  pay attention to what often gets unnoticed, appreciate what is part of my daily life and compose using average items. I try to highlight the extraordinary in the ordinary, I like little things and I have come to accept that  I prefer to capture a fallen leave that a whole forest, an almost withered flower that a whole sophisticated bouquet. 

Through all this process I have brought to light what my soul needs (literally and figuratively) to grow -regardless of the resistance of my mind and my ego- and therefore, I have learnt to appreciate what I love to capture.

 I have learnt to appreciate what is unexceptional and unremarkable; myself and the life I live;  the mundane and the humble trifles that make my life easier, and much more joyful.

I have learnt not to expect what is unusual or striking to be happy and to honor the unexpected beauty that always find when I go over my path.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 571

in {and out} Week 10: Reflection

A morning as any other morning,
a moment immersed in everydayness

A simple surface,
six or seven pieces of crystal,
two seashells,
a cherished mirror,
light

That´s all

But they can make an ordinary day extraordinary,
no less

Suddenly the morning has allure
and the moment is priceless

I get lost in the reflections, in the glow

I get lost in the unsteady twinkles
and in the hidden images repeated here and there

I get lost in a glimmer of hope,
in a sudden moment of joy

I feel dazzled for a second
and then I can see clearly

I see the beauty, the peace,
the delicate lines and the sinuous curves

My heart radiates love
and I know that I am here and everywhere

I go where light leads me


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 543

by the edge of this moment

I have found a place where my soul rests.

I stay there with my endless load of concerns,
with all my shoulds
and my lists
and my wishes
and my projects,
with my limited vision and my laments.

I stay there with my past
and all the still pending issues,
with my resentment
and my frustration
and my lack of understanding
and my grief
and my gratitude.

I stay there with my future
and my anxiety,
with my dreams
and my illusions,
with my fears
and my hopes.

I stay there thinking of all those things,
thinking also that they are heavy burdens on me,
yearning for a sort of explanation
or a revelation
or a relief
or maybe a liberation
and this place never disappoints me.

It can take its time
but I persist.

I stand still in the here, in the now,
in this place where I am one with myself,
awaiting patiently, trusting
and suddenly something is created by the universe.

An everyday miracle,
an unexpected sign...

A tiny turtle which is having a nap subtly illuminated
and seems to know that life is beautiful
even when living can be oddly strange.

DAY 533

it was one of those days

I guess I needed to breathe and recover some peace because I went outside with my camera just to visit the park next to my house, something I usually do when I want to find some calm inside me. 

The process that allows me to create some order inside by looking outside through my camera never ceases to amaze me but the more I do, the easier it becomes so it´s a pleasant routine that I approach more consciously every passing day. 

Once in the park I went to the pond in the middle of it which is now my favorite place there. Going to that little pond and trying to capture its fleeting and changing beauty is a wonderful practice that is made partly of repetition. 

It was a wonderful Friday evening and I was almost alone by the side of the pond. I stayed there while the sun started to set and the angle of the light made the water went from being gilding and glinting to being dense and dark. I noticed how my mind started to decelerate and I felt how a tiny smile was dancing about my heart and my face.

I was ready to go home and I decided to cross a sort of square inside the park that is beside the pond and where there is a big fountain. I had been under the trees that surround the pond which create a intimate and semi-dark atmosphere and I went out to a big open space which bustled with activity.

I look over the scene fascinated and a bit dazzled and I saw three girl friends. One was taking photos while the other two tried to jump. I am not very good at candid photos, I always feel a bit embarrassed, but this time I was quite far away so I took my camera and without spending a second I shot. I had been trying to capture some birds moments ago, so the settings were perfect. 

I am still wondering why this is my Photo-Heart Connection of this month. It has to do with spring, Friday evenings, moments of unconcern and also with lightness, joy and play. But mainly when I look at it, I see myself again standing still, basking in the glow while the whole world keeps its orbit outside of my presence… just enjoying the beauty and uniqueness of another ordinary moment.

DAY 525

close-up

We are prone to think that we have to move away to get things in perspective and it is true: this allows us to have an overall outlook. When we get away from a place (literal and metaphorically) we can see new aspects that before went unnoticed. But there is another way to understand life and it consist in staying close to what is happening to us.

This may seem complicated because demands observing something that we don´t know what can mean or that we don´t want even to see, but it can be also interesting.

We just stand still and wait and wait: we pay attention and look at things even when we feel prompted to run away, even when we feel bored or sceptic... as long as we feel safe, we dwell in that stillness and take up the reality of things.

Suddenly, where only blur existed just a moment ago, a whole new universe of links, explanations or details starts to appear.

...And a new comprehension of things that comes from the core of existence (from the tiniest to the biggest, from uniqueness to globality, from everydayness to eternity...) captures us.



PS: I am madly busy due to the end of academic course. Apart from  this, I have started a challenge with a couple of friends that involves taking (and sharing) a photo per day along a whole month following some guidelines, I am doing it only via facebook because  I didn´t want to pressure myself into posting daily  on this blog.  However, along the development of that project I´ve been feeling  that I should share here some of the things I have been written. This is the photo and the text corresponding to day 12.

Much Love dear friends,

Z.

DAY 511

blessed with being here

Two Fridays ago, I was working; I was giving a seminar to some of my practice students, when someone knocked at the door. I thought the following students were impatient (when I am behind schedule my students usually knock just to let me know that they are there), but it was my  husband´s daughter who was carrying a big -and beautiful- bouquet of flowers.

She gave it to me, I hugged her and she went away leaving me with the flowers. This only lasted a few minutes as I was working (and to be honest, too shocked to say or do anything else). Of course, my students were enjoying (and delighting in) the whole scene.

I went back to my table and understood that I had to tell them that my husband was working outside the country. I told them that the next-to-last time he left home it took him three months to come back, so this time I didn´t want him to go and this was his way to say me that I was not alone. My students found the story (which I had to repeat along every seminar because the bouquet was laying on a chair beside me all day long) very romantic and so do I. I am sure you have guessed it was the morning of St. Valentine day.

Along the following days I tried to capture the beauty of the flowers and I have lovely photos to document what is going to be a beautiful memory and a funny anecdote. I wanted to publish some of them, but they were not appealing enough. However, when I was dismantling the bouquet, I attempted a few shots more. I had almost forgotten them till I looked for my Photo-Heart Connection of February.

When I saw this (nearly withered) gerbera daisy, it touched my heart, not only because it reminds me what I have told you above, but because it illustrates something that is becoming a deep truth in my current life: time passing is not always that bad, it allows us to gain access to new dimensions of ourselves and to new perceptions of what this existence is about.

While contemplating it, I thought that we shouldn´t express ourselves in decadence terms only. We should express ourselves in growing terms also.

Time has passed, it´s true. I am not that young and my relationship with my husband has gone through a long way, but now I feel that love, understanding, authenticity and appreciation are more present in my life than ever before… and the way we both are coping with our current situation, the way I made visible to my students my sadness, this simple photo are just tiny examples.

I am not aged, worn or faded (even when I am tempted to think so), I am awake.

DAY 365+128

effortlessly

This is my Photo-Heart Connection of November. When I took the photos of that pond I was trying to capture the wonderful reflections (the day was perfectly clear after the first rains and the atmosphere was limpid), but I took some of the frogs almost by chance.

Truth be told, usually I don´t like frogs very much, I can see they can have certain charm with their squat bodies and their long hind legs but they also inspire me some undefined fear (as many other amphibians and reptiles). However, when I was examining my images of November this one caught my eye, it seemed to me not only beautiful and delightful but inspiring.

How would be to enjoy life that way?. How would be to be able to appreciate the sun when it shines and don´t waste time complaining about what happened before?. How would be to welcome what we meet along our path and go with the flow?. How would be to make the most of what life offers us and do not reject our gifts?, How would be to be strong enough -wise enough- to expect nothing and embrace everything?. How would be to know the secret to experience the present moment as a blessing, as a lesson, as a mystery?...

I don´t know exactly. I still am on my way to that destination. But I can glimpse a sense of peace while looking at these clever -nearly lovely- frogs.

DAY 365+127

"Enlightenment is finding that there is nothing to find.
Enlightenment is to come to know that there is nowhere to go. Enlightenment is the understanding that this is all, that this is perfect, that this is it. Enlightenment is not an achievement, it is an understanding that there is nothing to achieve, nowhere to go. You are already there -- you have never been away. You cannot be away from there."

Osho

DAY 365+126

blooming in the rain

It´s difficult to believe that in this precise moment we have everything we need to be satisfied with our lives but I am learning that it can be possible.

 To be honest, being in agreement with what is has never been the strongest point of my personality. On the contrary, I always want more, I always want to achieve better things, improve myself and mend my life but even so (or maybe because this has been a heavy burden on me), I am starting to realize that regardless of what happens there is nothing that can prevent me from feeling joyful if I want to.

In fact, I have the power to accept and feel they joy. 

I can look around and observe my share of pain, problems, frustrations and decide to accept and feel the joy. 

I can look around and observe my unaccomplished wishes, my not so dreamy existence, my wounds that are barely starting to heal and decide to accept and feel the joy.

I can look at me and observe my incessant self-demanding attitude, my anger, my ups and downs and decide to accept and feel the joy. 

And I can expand my vision and get to the financial crisis, the political corruption, poverty, injustice, abuse, suffering... the end of life and decide to accept and feel the joy.

The joy that is inside me and tells me that I can enjoy this life of mine, that this adventure is amazingly good, interesting, inspiring and is making me (you) bloom beautifully. 

When I listen to it I feel that I have all the contentment that I could need, the pure delight of being part of this, of being here crying, laughing, dancing, sleeping, praying, walking, thinking, touching, being aware of being...

inevitably alive

DAY 365+112

the day after

And suddenly everything changed once again. Perhaps the rest, or the prayers, or the tears cleared my mind up, but while I am walking, the sun that is shining through the trees seems to be winking at me, greeting me.

I follow its traces, the scattered patches of light and they lead me to the nicest places in the park.  Places where the green leaves, the natural shades and the singing birds seem to be awaiting me.

I breathe deeply and look up and discover the loveliest berries ever.

I feel my heart lighten, and I remember that I don´t need to search for perfection to be happy. Indeed, everything is perfect just as it is.... maybe because everything is (exists) and this should be enough.

I awaken to the day´s unique charm and want to say thanks but a little voice inside me says:

the nicest form of gratitude is to accept the gifts that have been given to you,
to walk through the time that is at your disposal the best you can,
letting go remorses.

Come on, dare to fully live your life now,
dare to embrace the wonder outside you (and inside you) now!,
dare to open your arms and welcome this simple day...

dwell in endless possibilities

PS: This post is related to the previous one. After a few bad days, my sunday morning´s walk with my camera brings me much peace. Why does it take us  so long to do the things that are good to us?

DAY 365+72

budding calm

This is my April´s contribution to Photo-Heart Connection. I was almost sure that this photo would be my choice when I edited it a few weeks ago, and today, while I was looking over my files, I felt irreversibly attracted to it again

There is something about its composition that makes me think of my love for painting, which date back to my early childhood and has accompanied me since then. It reminds me the blissful amazement that I´ve experienced looking at the artwork of great impressionism masters, maybe because it captures the effect of light at a particular time of the day or maybe because the background shows what seems quick brushstrokes of color...

But there is also a story behind it:

Every single time I go to the park next to my house I visit the rose garden. Somehow, that is a tribute to my mother who has always wanted to have a garden (and has never accomplished her dream) and adores flowers, in particular roses, so I go there and take a few photos. Most of the times I don´t publish or even edit them, I simply keep them. In my mind I am creating a rose garden for my mother, but I still am not clear about how it is going to be materialized, so I continue taking photos, trying to let the hurry aside and enjoy this dream, the dream I have inherited from her

A month before this photo was taken, I went to the rose garden a I found it totally lopped off. The stalks were so short that I had the feeling that the little garden wouldn´t be the same ever again. The place looked sad, I felt totally disheartened and the critic that lives inside me started to say me that time was not by my side (my mom will be 89 next November) and also, that I had been little diligent in carrying out that project. That´s what the inner critic does, you know: makes the most of emotional vulnerability, and causes you to feel shame

I felt a bit annoyed, even when I have become aware long ago of the true nature of this project, which is not only about my mother´s dream, but also about my need to reconnect with earth with my story and to heal transgerational traumas

The day I took this photo, I was reluctant to go outside with the camera. I was tired and it was too late, but finally I decided to do it. I went to the park, thinking that I could only walk, and headed towards the rose garden which were beautifully illuminated by the last sun rays. To my surprise, it was in bloom. Big roses and little buds were sharing the same space; color and fragrance were awesome and beauty was reigning everywhere

I was thrilled. Life seemed to be promising again. I thought of the old dream of my mother and wondered if someday (some way or another) it could come true. I breathed the scented air and I realized that I was not so interested in the answer. I looked at the roses that were not there only a few weeks ago and thought that life is sweet, yet unpredictable. And I felt that maybe (only, maybe) I was ready to deal with this: with unattainable dreams and pending projects; with intangible goals and pruned aspirations; with lessening opportunities and unexpected gifts and miracles. With life, disenchantment and hope

Today, I breathe in and I feel how the garden is flowering inside me. My inner critic remains silent

DAY 365+70

when life calls for something more than taxonomy 

I´d been yearning for taking some photos in the forest for a while now, but for some reason or another I didn´t do it  till past Sunday

I arrived there and went deep into intricate scenery and walk slowly following winding (and almost invisible) paths. The light was hazy, filtered through the leaves above, and was creating stunning patterns that often seemed pieces of filigree. But what really caught my eye were the lichens developed on the surfaces of branches and trunks. They were growing anarchical here and there, silently conquering the superficies of the trees, tenaciously, showing their unusual and peculiar charm

While I was walking I was trying to discern what I knew about these amazing creatures, but I only could remember that they are formed by the symbiotic association of a fungus and an alga. I wondered why I couldn´t remember why algae can be found  in moist ground and not only in salty water  and many other things, but I had not answer

I was there, surrounding by trees, trying to go through my memories, and then, their beauty brought about a miracle: the temporary cessation of mind´s opinions and judgments. I forgot that I was concerned by the nature of lichens and I was overcome with joy after starting to look thoroughly what was outside and abandoning the confusing passages of my thoughts

Little by little I started to keep in step with the peaceful energy that was carried gently on the air. And I felt, once again, how easy is to conform to our own inner nature (to be centered) when we are focused on the now

All my life I have wanted to know more about things, to understand why they occur. I have had the desire to categorize them, the desire to find some order

All my life I have thought that recognizing things, naming them, would help me to face up reality in a better way. All my life I have believed that studying in depth roots, causes, reasons, components... would help me to take them apart, to understand the influence of some events on me and even to bring up the circle of pain

All my life I have defended that change and appreciation comes from knowledge

But since I have started this journey I have realized that this is only true at some level 

Sometimes, knowledge doesn´t make any difference

Sometimes, our wish for understanding makes some attitudes (like forgiveness or gratitude) much more difficult

Sometimes, even when it can provide us with significant information, what matters is what we are going to do with it, how we are going to manage it to increase our consciousness. Knowledge itself is useless in order to have a more fulfilled life

Even when my analytic side is reluctant to write this, I have to admit that there is a wisdom inside me that doesn´t come from the logical reasoning of my mind, maybe because this is only one of the ways to deal with my experience here 

Maybe because there are many more ways to do it

I can think about it, of course. I can analyze it and I can unravel it. But I also can explore it, deconstruct it, enjoy it. I can co-create it, accept it, bless it, embrace it. I can appreciate it

...I can -even- simply live it

Walk and Click Wednesday

DAY 365+63

at a glance

This is my March Photo-Heart Connection. I don´t know how many times I had seen that building before the day I took this photo but I had never noticed those beautiful reflections and the contrast between its design and the traditional houses with red roofs in front of it 

While going through my files it caught my eye not only due to those lines and tones which I love it, but also because it illustrates the way I am approaching photography these days

This semester I am quite busy at university so most of my time is devoted to teaching, writing, preparing classes and workshops, seminars with my students and to endless meetings. I have little time but when I have a free hour I often go outside with the camera. No matter if I should be catching up with my home chores, my readings or some of my pending projects, I close my eyes, I carry my handbag and close the door behind me

I don´t plan beforehand organized outings. I don´t try to capture predetermined images. I don´t take self-portraits, either. I only go outside, I walk and shoot

I take photos of the urban scenery that surrounds my house. I take photos of the same common things that I see when I am going to work or shopping

 I go over the same streets and lanes, the same passages and avenues. I go over the same boulevards and the same park once and again...

 Only to discover that my feet lead me to well-known places that I can´t even recognize. Places where an old window makes me think about the brevity of life, where a bench suddenly invites me to rest and to soothe my mind, where trees are starting to bloom and are painting the city with mauve shades

Yes, I go over the same places once and again only to discover that my feet know what my eyes haven´t still seen. Only to discover that something inside me is able to feel the enigmatic appealing of the ordinary, to catch the inscrutable allure of this fleeting beauty

I know this is one of the best ways to keep my practice (which is not only related to photography, but also to my personal path) till summer vacations. So I go outside, I walk and shoot

And by doing that, I re-discover the place where I live

DAY 365+53

there is beauty in the decay

Days ago I was trying to explain to my students the reasons why the creation of an educational plan involves examining in detail many data and a varied information. I said that efficacy of a plan depends on that kind of diagnosis because it allows us not to focus only on symptoms and signs but also, on the real causes of the problem that must be approached through it

I wanted to illustrate all this with some examples, so I mentioned the eating disorders and I argued that educative actions aimed at diet issues are mainly focused on symptoms, whereas educative actions aimed at image prejudices are focused on what could be triggering them

Soon the debate started to evolve towards personal image as a cultural construction. We examined social conditionings, fashion market pressures and labels. We had talked before about diversity, so they felt fairly comfy expressing the right to be different and the great importance of teaching this to those who could be running the risk to suffer that sort of disorders

I was in complete accord with their proposal but said that it would not be easy to implement, considering that we all hold opinions formed beforehand based on the current beauty ideals. I affirmed that to do so, we should be able to embrace the beauty that lies in what society tells us that is ugly, the beauty that lies in those who are too fat, too old or too out of the aesthetic standards

And then I heard the silence. I looked at them and I saw they were bewildered. They were following my reasoning but I could see a kind of aversion to it in many faces: they were not able to go deep into that territory with me. And just like the interest in the theme (and the lively mood) started, it disappeared in thin air and the class continued without new shocking revelations

When the session finished I started to clean the slate (yes I still use it!). I could feel a slight trace of their youthful arrogance in the air. The same arrogance that can become stubbornness when some persons grow up and later on, results in frustration because the world is not the place they expected

And I silently gave thanks because somehow I have eluded that destiny regardless of my inveterate perfectionism and my own haughtiness. Because nowadays I am able to see beauty in the chaos, in the unfinished projects or mistakes, in what is not conventional or it is rather shabby and odd, in the failures...

in the glorious decrepitude of ancient cities,

in the forgetful ingeniousness and weak body of my mom,

in the skin around my eyes which is starting to seem as delicate and fragile as a rose petal,

in these (almost) withered leaves,

and even, in the reluctance of my students to accept that those things and persons we call imperfect can be indeed appealing


Cross-posted at Vision and Verb, where I have been Guest Blogger this sunday. Many other women share their passion for creativity and words there, please visit them, it´s a wonderful site


Simple things Sunday

DAY 365+36

being here and now,
not anywhere else
is not an abdication
is taking possession of our life by accepting that there is no need to change anything
it is a chance to define again beauty, perfection and joy

being here and now,
not anywhere else
is something that takes courage
and a kind of wise naivety
and honesty
and patience

being here and now,
not anywhere else
demands attention
and mastering the art of focusing on the present
leaving aside all our prejudices

Dexterity only comes with practice
but it is worth the effort
because this is the best method to find the way into ourselves

DAY 365+19

back to calm

After the inner (and outer) storms that have recently brought pain and downheartedness to my little world, my negative attitude seems to be increasing: even when I am feeling less discouraged that weeks ago, I feel that I am paying more and more attention to the signs of hate, insanity and injustice and little by little I am forgetting to look on the bright side of life

Of course, there reasons to do it: life circumstances can be hard sometimes and every time I watch the news I only find new justifications for my attitude. But to be honest, this is not doing me any good. On the contrary, this is making me experience a sense of hopeless and a lack of direction

Hope is one of the most important tools we have to face the future and be confident about it, the only way we can counterbalance the bad things and stay positive. But hope is not something instinctive to many of us, it must be consciously cultivated

As for me hope comes from the appreciation of little things. This blog is also about that. It´s not only about finding my inner voice by exploring damaged territories and wounds that still hurt. It´s also about finding the beauty in unexpected places, it´s about keeping the inspiration...

Today I´ve decided to commit to focus on that side of my journey a little bit more, I so desperately need it!

So here I am, trying to pick up the thread of hope once again trough the tiny patches of grace, kindness and respect that I find along my path. They are the irrefutable proof that good things also happen

DAY 364

at a bend in the road
I found the most amazing surprises 

I was looking for my always correct goals, trying to build up the most perfect life, ignoring my unease and all the good, precious things and persons that didn´t fit my unreachable ideal

I was involved in an endless steeplechase, trying to fix what was already right, trying to change what was immutable, trying to mend the universe itself

I was rejecting all the recurrent lessons that it was offering me. Lessons about boundaries, about perfectionism, about my self-demanding attitudes, about self-sacrifice and repression

I wasn´t paying attention to its signals, I wasn´t paying enough attention to the tiny inner voice that whispered inside me or to the glimpses of an alternative way of life where serenity could prevail

I was angry and obsessed and blinded by my need of approval I was angry and obsessed and blinded by my own suffering 

I was rushing to nowhere, trying to avoid the feeling that I was falling apart and I was crying behind the facade because deep inside me I knew that those were not the sensations I was looking for,  so a tiny gap appeared 

And then, at a bend in the road I found the most amazing surprises:

First, a few books talking about what was happening to me (!), and afterwards, tons of them. Books by persons who were giving voice to my feelings, books by persons who had been able to move toward a more peaceful life, and after them: the messages, the persons, the coincidences and happy accidents, the quotes found by chance, the unexpected epiphanies, the work

Later on, I found my intuition, the changing of some sentiments and thoughts into another and a sort of clarity and awareness


And finally, at a bend in the road,  I found myself and I discovered that indeed, walking my path is my goal

DAY 363

when the leaves fall...

it is sign of change. Even when temperatures are still high there is every indication that nature is getting ready for what is coming. Me too.

My 365 project is almost over so it´s time to start to think about making room for another conception of this blog. I am devising different options at the moment because I am absolutely sure that I want to continue with it. I´ve so much loved this experience that I haven´t even considered quit writing it, but I have to decide my next steps.

Autumn and the begining of the winter will be the time I am going to use to define my new perspective, I really need to muse on the way I will keep up with this journey. I definetely  want to stay connected to its essence but also wish to bring up to date its content. Till now most of my writings have been very introspective but now I feel that I have to start a more interactive stage where sharing my learning from a more useful and helpful viewpoint

I would like to develop a plan with a view to this practical purpose ( I already have many ideas) but I also love  exploring myself and the opportunity for doing it freely, so I want to preserve this side of this project too. I am open to new ideas and I guess I will have glimpses of my personal spring maybe before the metereological spring arrives. In other words, I hope to have given birth this new project the first days of the new year...  

wish me luck!

PS: Till then,  I will update the blog frequently, but maybe not on daily basis