DAY 553

treasuring delicacy

Going through this life is not that easy sometimes.  We can change and learn but certain things will continue to happen, things that often hit us in our frailest side. That´s the reason why is important to be ready to accept our own fragility and act consequently.  

Along the years I have realized (and internalized) that most of my inner work is  aimed at healing early wounds, but till recently I have not acknowldeged that the soft tissue that I am creating by fixing those wounds is not strong enough to bear some kind of impacts.

It has taken me time to admit it. I used to think that I was fixing things  in order to  become invulnerable,  but I have come to understand  that I am just learning to deal with my own vulnerability (I am  indeed,  embracing it) and to improve my resilience, I am not  chasing perfection.   

I have had to reconcile with the truth of my story  before reaching that kind of acceptance.  I have had to stop trying to compensate my past, stop trying to be immune, unaffected by the act of living. In short, I have had to see myself as I really am: injured, strong, prone to struggle, brave but also sensitive to all the things that can drain my energy, to any form of abuse, still delicate, still liable to suffer danger.

After  reaching  this stage, I realized that I can love myself.  Now I know that I have  not to feel  ashamed by that, I have  not to feel guilty, I have  not to feel  a looser. I have fought against fear and anger and pain and the lack of connection  and I have won.  So I have  to be confident and proud, but also (and this makes a whole difference) gentle and tender with the person I really am.

I am learning to remember what can increase my power and resistance and  what can steal them;  what can increase my joy  and self-esteem and what can destroy them; what can make me feel more competent and what can make me feel inept,  and by accepting this (even when it may sound paradoxical)  I am honoring my vulnerable side instead of considering it a weakness,  of considering myself broken.

This new approach (that is all about daring to be open, visible, real)   is making me feel even healthier  and it´s allowing me to transform myself in a way that I thought was not possible.  

Of course, I am experiencing a sense of lose (I´ve been so attached to my ideas about  strength and success, of being completely immaculate and undaunted!!), but also, I am setting free  a great amount of blocking energy  while  permitting those preconceived ideas to fall down. 

Maybe they were appealing long ago, but now I need  to expose myself to the danger of being authentic. And it feels good.

DAY 550

an awkward revelation

I don´t mind to admit that often my heart breaks into pieces.

No matter what my mind rationally argues or what I said to myself about the essence of life; what advices I can receive or look for; how deeply I go into my practice; how neatly I try to stay present, meditate or re-focus myself on what is important.

No matter if I am diligent or lazy when the time to accept my emotions comes, if I embrace or neglect them.

All those thing start to be important later on,  when I start to deal with causes and consequences but none of them prevent my heart from falling apart when I have to face up the nature of this existence.

Maybe it would be cooler or more alluring try to pretend that I am beyond all the mundane wishes and yearnings or the perplexity caused by what indeed is natural, but this wouldn´t be true to my real self.

When pain, violence, injustice, abandonment, negligence, abuse, solitude, fragility hit me, right in that  same moment,  I feel how new fissures appear in my heart. They are caused by sorrow, caused by anger.

I have learnt to fix them. To gather the scraps and keep them together when the rupture is too serious. I have learnt to live with this cracked, fragmented, heart and come to understand that all this comes from empathy and compassion (that often go unnoticed due to the fact that I am an introvert).

It is not easy to live with a brittle heart. It can create negativity and disappointment or a false sense of detachment and a lack of concern. Consequently, it is important to consciously cultivate resilience and hope and joy and of course, courage in order to act according to what the heart is feeling. It is crucial also, try not to toughen it (even when we can be tempted to do it) because healing cannot be originated through indifference.

As far as I am concerned that kind of balance is essential because when things fail to move us, grief gains ground, insanity starts to rule and all things good can be corrupted.