DAY 560

So I am here to celebrate. Reviewing 2014

When 2014 started I decided that it would be a year of celebration. It made sense to me not only because I would be 50 years old at the end of the year, but also because this would be a good way to proclaim my place in this world, to praise my journey and finding new reasons to keep on walking my path.

Along it many things have happened and many times I thought that I should have chosen any other word except celebrate, but as the days went by I started to understand the true nature of a year devoted to celebration.

In fact, when the year started I thought that would be great to make visible my celebration mood. I made plans and set goals. But soon, the year had an unexpected twist and unbelievable things started to occur one after another. Some of them where just unforseen, some hard or truly painful and made my plans and goals simply irrelevant. I had no the time or the willingness to approach them:  the Universe lets me alone with my bare proposal and challenge me to celebrate anyway.

Also it may seem incredible, I was able to do it. Not in the well prepared and intricate mode that I planned, but in a simple, rough-and- ready way. My ego screamed and told me once and again that I was wasting my time. After all, our new year proposals can be (among many other things) a way to claim approval… but I turned a deaf ear to it and kept on doing it. 

And I did it. I did it!. Even in the darkest days I managed to find a pinch of hope, something to be thankful for, a lesson to learn... new perspectives, unexpected gifts, things to improve, things to enjoy... glimpses of the spirit… in short, reasons to celebrate. 

Amidst the chaos of my overloaded working days, I honored the chance to share what I have learnt (personal and professionally) with my students. Even when I was often tired and disappointed with university policy and the way the institution makes decisions, I have learnt to celebrate my role of professor and all the good things they can teach me. 

Amidst the complicated circumstances of my personal life (my husband was working outside the country nearly nine months), I honored the chance to cultivate calm and to be much more flexible regarding my expectations. Even when I felt overwhelmed and lonely some times and felt that I had many responsibilities, I have learnt to celebrate our love, myself, my strength and my brand new ability to let go drama. 

Amidst the hard health issues my friends were facing, I honored the chance to help and to be there for them. Even when many days I was sad and downhearted, I have learnt to celebrate life, my life, their life, and our powerful relationship.

Amidst the ageing process of my mom, all the changes related to it and all the work I have to do in order to keep her (and my brother) living at home, I honored the chance to give, to make their life easier and practice compassion. Even when I am totally frightened more times than I would like to recognize, I have learnt to celebrate every single second of our life together, and this existence as it is, with beginnings and ends, calms and storms, ups and downs.

It has been a year of complete acceptance. I have been able to say Yes! to what was happening to me in a given moment, to stop judging life even when events and circumstances were not so propitious as I expected, even when they caused me pain. 

Hoever, it has been a silent celebration. It has transformed in sacred all what has happened and has made me experience strong emotional and spiritual feelings for my life… a sort of deep communion with it.


Do you want to know more about my review of the last year? Please, follow this link: 
2014 in photos and words

DAY 558

50

As you may already know it was my 50th birthday past week. As the days have  passed I have started to feel the urge to make a sort of assessment but I was no able to find an appropriate approach.

Finally, this morning I came up with this. They are just fifty random (and immaterial) things that happened to me along my first fifty years of life. They are not logically organized. They don´t summarize all my experiences, either or narrate a complete or coherent story, they are not even the most important or interesting, but they are for sure, some of the more decisive.

 They can seem recent facts or achievements, but they are not because even when I have faced some of them along the last decade they have been present in my life –some way or another- since my earlier years. Indeed I truly believe that this birthday is also a turning point as I have completed and closed many pending things from the past. I hope so. I celebrate it.


1. I have learnt how to deal with my feelings

2. I suffered and have overcome suffering

3. I understood the great importance of setting boundaries

4. I have learnt to love myself to love another

5. I stopped abuse and I liberated myself

6. I healed my past

7. I have developed a personal practice based on spirituality

8. I accepted guidance and asked for what I need

9. I have prayed a lot

10. I made contact with my inner power

11. I have tried to embrace my demons (keep trying)

12. I gave thanks to those tyrants in my life and I am letting them go

13. I have learnt how to live in the present, day after day (even when sometimes I am tempted to give up)

14. I understood that baby steps counts

15. I´ve been wrong about many things

16. I have had to accept the mind-body connections

17. I acknowledged that perfectionism is a way to run away (I am now a recovering perfectionist)

18. I made decisions and then, I forgot them and had to start again but this showed me how to live in process

19. I have forgiven myself for my weaknesses and my naivety and for handing over my own power

20. I understood why I should trust

21. I decided to restore a healthy sense of self

22. I have listened and been listened

23. I have questioned my conditionings

24. I discovered the allure of ordinary things

25. I have had to apologized and this taught me humbleness

26. I have appreciated everydayness almost every single day

27. I have tried to help as much as I can and have been helped a lot

28. I started to run after light

29. I resolved to cultivate mindfulness

30. One day I decided to rely on my soul don´t know exactly how or why

31. I started to consider myself a survivor, nor a victim

32. I have accepted that teaching is the voice of my soul

33. I started to practice authenticity and pay the consequences (all positive in the medium term)

34. I have cherished memories and mementos

35. I am trying to keep my journey (and my inner work) no matter what people said

36. I have laughed

37. I have dreamt a bit (maybe not as much as I have would liked)

38. I have –little by little- spread my wings

39. I have appreciated both calm and storm (I have gotten no choice!)

40. I expected miracles and miracles happened

41. I have loved (and being loved) much

42. I have created so many things… including life that is meaningful to me

43. I have walked my path with a joyful heart most of the days

44. I am internalizing why is so important to abandon those (both circumstances or persons) that try to invalidate me and I am exerting myself to act accordingly

45. I have had great masters

46. I have been arrogant and stubborn. It took me so much to bow down to my destiny, to love this life of mine as it is, but I am learning to do it

47. I have met kindred souls

48. I have learned to hear the messages of the spirit

49. I am realizing that I have to tame my ego if I want to be happy

50. I have come to understand that finally everything had to be exactly as it was

DAY 555

blessed

When I first started to look for answers I explored many paths but after some time, I started to came across the same ideas and advices repeatedly no matter where I searched for. I found out that the rudiments of any rewarding life were: forgiveness, gratitude, acceptance, kindness (to ourselves and others), attention and compassion. Retrospectively, I can see that the recurrence of those words marked the beginning of my journey.

According to my readings, those six words compiled the essential elements that any person would need to experience a new vision of his or her existence, of its sacred meaning. They would allow me to awake to the real sense of life by feeling connected to something bigger than me and recovering my sense of belonging. Those six words would help me to heal.

I was so exhausted, lost and in need of guidance that I was ready to try almost anything, (indeed the way I felt was the prime reason of my hunt) but it happened that those words resonated deeply with me.

Time has proved my intuition to be true. Those words have been my keys to unlock all the beauty that now is present in my life and to liberate my soul.

I have been exploring them in the same order just like I have written them here. And even when now they are not single threads anymore, but form a sort of weave, firstly I learnt about them and tried to internalize their basic lessons one by one. I didn´t decide this ahead, it just happened thanks to the way my inner work was developing, as if a secret (or higher) plan already existed… I just followed the sings: the title of a book here and there, a new author mentioned somewhere, a site that caught my attention, a phrase on an article which was otherwise useless, an advice of a friend or just a loose word that seems significant.

Obviously, their meaning has become much deeper as they have been woven together along my own journey but each word alone contains multiple connotations and a complexity that make it quite interesting although not easily approachable.

Of course, I am still dealing with them as a whole and individually and I am also adding new words to the list. This is still a work in progress and I think it will be a long life process but I am seeing great advances. I cannot believe how much I have changed and progressed since I started. I cannot believe the sense of peace and serenity that now goes with me everywhere. I cannot believe how happy I am now with myself for not a particular reason, just for being me. I cannot believe how much I enjoy life now. How much I can appreciate and celebrate.

I have found a way of living that suits my inner yearnings, that is enriching, nourishing, makes me feel happy, healed, while it allows me to realize my own potential. And that, dear friends, is priceless.


PS: In November I´ll be celebrating gratitude. I´ll post a weekly post on my gratitude page and will share with you all the things I am grateful for, but I wanted to start the series honoring my own process in particular, all the things I have learned thanks to this blog and by sharing with you my thoughts. Thanks so much!

DAY 540

the art of being here

While I was seeing that boy dancing with the water like if nobody could see him, so focused on his own fun, unaware of the world around him, I discovered myself admiring his ability to surrender to the immediacy of his own wishes, to repond to life spontaneously.

 After a short reflection I realized that I am not naive enough to be so happily carefree: wounds, experiences, disappointments, prejudices and fears make it impossible. But I also realized that I wouldn´t like to exchange his life for mine, I wouldn´t like to live it all over again to become an adult, especially when now I can be back to joy and the sense of full belonging to the moment I am living while keeping what I have learned. Especially when right now I feel that I have started to live consciously, when I am finally figuring out what life is about.

  No, I wouldn´t like to be a child again, especially when now I can have that carelessness attitude without the sense of strangeness. Especially when now I can live without needing to reach certain goals or places, when now I can live like if I were dancing, enjoying every step, lost in the pleasure of the movement.

I have come finally to the conclusion that this journey itself is the point, that I don´t have to fulfill anything determined in advance, just to go gracefully with the immediate moment and its gifts... so why should I want to leave this sweet stage of my existence where I have the best of being a child and the best of having lived half a life? Why, if now I can bow down to my destiny with my mind well-balanced and my heart open?...


When the boy was about to complete his fourth lap to the fountain, I got up, and I followed my path and I could feel that my soul was making a little dance, celebrating the acknowledgement of this simple truth.

DAY 532

that´s what I have come to learn

There is no goal, only room for movement

there is no destination, only paths to walk

there is no achievement, only a sort of movement forward

there is no a steady structure, only change

there is no a predictable outcome, only amazement

there is no future, only present

there is no past, only lessons

there is no agenda, only journey

there is no explanation, only facts

and even so,

paradoxically,

there is a plan where everything fits

because by going with the flow we accomplish

by accepting, we grow

without becoming attached to results, we evolve

without taking things personally, we understand

and by being in the now, we emerge


PS: After re-reading this text a few times I realized that it´s part of the celebration´s series...  this week I am celebrating this ongoing process of living a conscious life

Have a nice week dear friends,

Much Love,

Z.

DAY 521

What can I celebrate when it seems there is nothing to celebrate?

I have been wondering that along the last month. As you may know I started this year with the intention of honoring my life by celebrating it (and vice versa, I guess). I didn´t set any goal or purpose regarding this intention, because I didn´t want to deal with disappointed expectations. So when after a few posts -some really bad news about a good friend´s health and the increase of my work duties- I realized that I wasn´t feeling like celebrating, I let it be.

I focused on keeping my serenity along this troubled times by reinforcing my inner work, my meditation practice, my creative discipline and I started to pay attention to my diet and my sleeping habits. I felt that I had to concentrate on those things if I wanted to go through this stressful period of my life. Those things have helped me to cope with my hectic schedule, university policies, my frustration because I have had to assume extra work and my emotional response to the whole situation.

To my surprise, I´ve managed to keep the positive thinking and a peaceful mood; I am enjoying my classes even when I have to teach so many hours and different subjects and I don´t feel as mentally exhausted or overwhelmed as I thought I would be. Indeed, a few days ago I went to visit an institution where some of my students are developing their practices and some of the workers said to me that stress suits me nicely. Of course, it´s not the stress, it´s all the things I am doing to keep it under control.

Maybe, I should have had more faith in myself from the very beginning, but I was not that sure that I would be able to deal with all this so well. Even when I know what I have to do (from an inner viewpoint) when things become tough, I am also prone to fall back into the same old habits and forget to stay present and act accordingly.

But this time I have achieved some (great) success. I am quite tired (who wouldn´t?) but today resting at home and looking back, I can see that some tiny changes have made a big difference.

 I felt that was okay if the big issues in my life didn´t let me see the little joys, if I didn´t  want to count my blessing because I felt that I wanted to be sad or angry or hopeless, if I changed my mind regarding things that were important to me months ago and I was putting first those that I should have mastered ages ago. 

I felt that even when I was not doing what I had planned, I had to accept  it instead of feeling ashamed. And by doing it, I have discovered new fragments of inner wisdom, the kind of inner wisdom that comes to us slowly.  Paradoxically, this behavior has made me find also new (and maybe more complex and authentic) reasons to rejoice in unlikely places. 

Today I celebrate simply that.

DAY 514

"Pleasure comes and goes.
When it goes, we don't need to cling to memories of the past happiness or dwell on when it may come again. When we turn to the past yearning, we are running away from the present. When we propel ourselves into the future in anticipation, we are running away from the present. This is the secret of the world's spiritual tradition called detachment: If we don't cling to past or future we live entirely here and now, in 'Eternity's sunrise.'"

Eknath Easwaran

DAY 513

this week I am celebrating the PRESENT MOMENT

This precise (precious) moment, and I am not doing it because it is flawless or magnificent, but because is the one and only I have.

This uncertain, fragile moment, which is trembling with expectation, shaking my consciousness with its own two hands while shouting me: awake, awake! I am as fleeting as a soap-bubble!.

And indeed, it is evanescent, but guess what?, life is made of this transitory moments, one after another. They come to meet us and in a twinkling of an eye they are gone. We don´t know when they will stop, but we certainly know that we only can truly live the current one. 

So today, I am determined to celebrate this present moment, not because it is rewarding or important or because it fulfills any requirement, just because it is in this moment where (and when) my life occurs.

 In this precise moment (despite its brevity) I am having my share of pain, confusion, and I am fighting a few battles; I am dealing with some chaos and exerting myself to distinguish between what is about me and what is about others; I am also feeling  some joy,  some peace…  and much more

In fact, everything can happen in this tiny interval. It can be a time for ordinary things or sacred glimpses... who knows?. The whole experience of the existence is condensed here and now and I can live it all, I can embrace the whole essence of life in this single moment. Why shouldn´t I celebrate it?

Why would I want to regret the past or keep wondering about the future?. The past has gone, the future is yet to arrive, so the only thing I must do -I can do- is living what I have to live.

This is all I have, thus today I praise the transient moments that allow me to experience what is and the miracle of being here…

right here, right now.

DAY 510

You lack a foot to travel?
Then journey into yourself
And like a mine of rubies
receive the sunbeams print

Out of yourself such a journey
will lead you to your self,
It leads to transformation
of dust into pure gold!

Rumi

DAY 509

this week I am celebrating MY JOURNEY

It´s strange being here… years have gone so fast, all the changes that could have lasted ages, finally have happened in a flash.

What used to be painful now arrives quiet to my heart like the murmur of a distant ocean. The anger is turning into something new, less pointed, and reaches the edge of my soul when is muted, dull... appeased. And many memories are simply vanishing.

It´s strange being here… after so many battles, what have stayed?. The clamor of wins and failures is now attenuated along with the need to please, to be perfect... to be loved.

Nothing seems to be as important as it seemed to be. Nothing seems to be so terrible, so transcendent. Every single thing seems to have a place, a reason to be, to happen, a message that I can´t wait to decode.

It´s strange being here… doubts, expectations and rigidness don´t stand out anymore and my center seems to be expanding beyond my own boundaries, so now I am centered even when I am eccentric. And suddenly I don´t need to exert myself to mend my life, I finally can walk by what is imperfect and unfinished.

I am starting to be impervious to others demands but I still ache for the world, for what is unfair and deceitful. I don´t know if I will be able to accept this one day, I don´t think so, I only acquiesce to deal with it, but I get along with this.

It´s strange being here… I see myself while getting acquainted with fear, feeding what made me insecure, taking my shadow to pieces without blinking an eye.

Where is all that swell?. Where is the lack of understanding, the sense of not belonging here, of not being enough?. Where is the horrific sense of inner breaking?. Where is the remorse for my supposed misdeeds, for not being much better or clever or awake?. They have gone away.

It´s strange being here... feeling that I can trust and stay safe and relearn to love and forgive and be adventurous and hopeful while being exactly the same person I´ve always been.

It´s strange being here… and also wonderful and amazing and rewarding.

That is the reason why I am celebrating this outward and return (inward) expedition. Celebrate with me!. And celebrate also your own journey.

Much Love

Z.

DAY 506

this week I am celebrating LOVE

Lately I´ve been thinking of persons who inhabit (or have inhabited) my world and how them have marked me some way. I have known some of them for a very long time; I met others only once or twice and even so I have never forgot them and I am getting to know some of them right now, but I already know that will be part of that group. Some are family or old friends, others just acquaintances. I have coincided with many of them along my personal life´s paths but there are also former students or persons that I bumped into due to my work activities and of course, on-line contacts.

Some of those persons have hurt me deeply or made me feel sad or angry, or triggered any kind of unease, although they were not meant to do it... I guess this happens to all of us. But many others have developed much more positive roles.

However, while revising my list I´ve realized that any and each of them have taught me important things some way or another. But what has amazed me more is how the hard impact of some of them on my life has tarnished the beautifully constructive influence of the rest.

Some times in life what some authors usually call tyrant teachers (those who don´t want to teach us anything but do it anyway, through the pain they cause and its subsequent processing) gobble up all the good things and persons around.

I have decided that it´s time to change that. I need to focus on what is good and nice and rewarding. I need to focus on those who help and embrace and applaud and support. I need to focus on what I have created, not on what I have been deprived of. I need to focus on the beautiful self I have been able to construct regardless of the obstacles.

So this week I am celebrating the LOVE I have received from those who has been generous enough to offer it to me, even when maybe I was too immersed in my own world.

Those who have lent a hand and open their hearts.

Those who have given me thanks, or have appreciated me some way maybe only once.

Those who have gone with me along the peaceful days. And also, through the uneven moments.

Those who have listened or given good feed-back.

Those who have laughed (and cried) with me.

Those who has believed in my success and defended that I have something good to offer.

Those who have seen my light when I only saw darkness and have shared their beautiful souls with me.

Those who has been with me day after day sharing their love and joy.

Those who has been patient enough to await my blooming.

Those who come here and read and are kind enough to take time to do it...

This week I am rejoicing in love signs and proclaiming that love is all around. This week I am sending love to you all and looking for ways to honor all the good persons in my life (including myself).

Would you join me in this celebration?. I would like to know more about how you are honoring and celebrating love in your life.

Much Love

Z.

DAY 505

ins and outs

As you may already know, I am living my year of celebration. It is a way to honor the place where I am right now (metaphorically speaking). I want to live this in process, this means that I am only determined to keep my celebration mood but I don´t want to plan anything ahead and I try to await what comes to meet me.

This has caused me some unease, because I was not sure how I would be able to set a practice without planning (what if inspiration never arrives?) or  how I would be able to keep a mood that is strange to me without an extra effort.

Being blissfully spontaneous is not my strongest point and proclaiming what makes me happy has never been my style. I have no problems with talking about many subjects or showing vulnerability (something that I have learnt that makes me stronger) or sadness and of course, anger, but expressing joy is challenging to me in certain contexts or moments.

Don´t get me wrong, I am not a bad-tempered person and I am not shy, either. I am an introvert that usually finds much easier to rejoice in things privately if necessary (a way to celebrate), than sharing them, or does any other thing to make my -positive- feelings evident. But how can one goes through a year of celebration -the kind of year I have in mind- without doing it?.

However, as the week progressed, a certain pace has begun to take form. This pace is made of little and specific daily actions and I am discovering that praising publicly what I find interesting, appealing, beautiful or comforting (you name it) about other persons, or even about myself, is not so difficult as I thought. Indeed, I am getting used to do it quickly, something inconceivable only a few months ago... is this a proof of the power of intention?.

When I am working with my students, or doing any other activity, at home or just walking in the city, I try to be more assertive in general terms, but in particular, regarding the good things. This is making a great difference: I feel more motivated and enthusiastic and mindful (and connected to others!) but what is more important, through the tiny, ordinary things, I am getting in touch with some big things that deserve celebration in my life. Things that –now I see- have gone unnoticed or I have given for granted, but won´t continue to be that way.

I´ll start a series of post about them next week... would you come to celebrate with me?.

Hope so. Much Love.

Z.

DAY 501

So now I am living a year of celebration!

After writing my last post, I went into panic mode along a few minutes... I started to ask to myself how I would manage to stay true to that idea, how I would be able to preserve my determination during such a long period of time. I was ready to start to plan the year whole, when suddenly I realized that it could be much easier than that: the only thing I had to do was cultivating a celebration mood and let it me lead throughout the days ahead.

Of course, cultivating that mood -I thought- will demand me tons of positive thinking, the ability to focus on what can I celebrate and to face up my everydayness (with its demands, problems and epiphanies) in a complete different way. But for a moment I saw clearly that what I had to do was keeping that mood as much as possible, nothing else.

It was a sort of revelation: I would live this in process, I would celebrate in process, I would plan my year of celebration in process. That means that I wouldn´t make decisions in advance, I wouldn´t opt for this or that content, I would live every unique moment honestly. And I would honor through celebration.

When I came to that conclusion I felt that an important truth had been unraveled: I had to honor by celebrating!. And I realized that this would have to be my strategy this year: honor my existence by celebrating it... honor my daily life by celebrating tiny moments; honor my inner work by celebrating my practice, honor my process, by celebrating my finds; honor my journey by celebrating my path… honor my destiny by celebrating my surrender

So I made a decision: My word could be celebrate (because I wanted it to rule my life). My motto: analyze less, celebrate more (as I felt that it would allow me to move forward ), but my strategy should be (would be) honor by celebrating.

I love this last paragraph, it makes me feel alive, empowered and confident. I feel that it is going to open an unknown door to a new and completely different place. And I am ready to go ahead.

I know that this is a great challenge and I know I´ll need a system not only to keep this in mind (I know I can get lost in my hectic schedule without noticing it), but also to be able to write about my experiences here. I´ve been thinking about it, and I have some ideas, I still want refine them a bit but I´ll keep you updated!

Wishing you a wonderful week!

Much Love,

Z.