|What can I celebrate when it seems there is nothing to celebrate?|
I have been wondering that along the last month. As you may know I started this year with the intention of honoring my life by celebrating it (and vice versa, I guess). I didn´t set any goal or purpose regarding this intention, because I didn´t want to deal with disappointed expectations. So when after a few posts -some really bad news about a good friend´s health and the increase of my work duties- I realized that I wasn´t feeling like celebrating, I let it be.
I focused on keeping my serenity along this troubled times by reinforcing my inner work, my meditation practice, my creative discipline and I started to pay attention to my diet and my sleeping habits. I felt that I had to concentrate on those things if I wanted to go through this stressful period of my life. Those things have helped me to cope with my hectic schedule, university policies, my frustration because I have had to assume extra work and my emotional response to the whole situation.
To my surprise, I´ve managed to keep the positive thinking and a peaceful mood; I am enjoying my classes even when I have to teach so many hours and different subjects and I don´t feel as mentally exhausted or overwhelmed as I thought I would be. Indeed, a few days ago I went to visit an institution where some of my students are developing their practices and some of the workers said to me that stress suits me nicely. Of course, it´s not the stress, it´s all the things I am doing to keep it under control.
Maybe, I should have had more faith in myself from the very beginning, but I was not that sure that I would be able to deal with all this so well. Even when I know what I have to do (from an inner viewpoint) when things become tough, I am also prone to fall back into the same old habits and forget to stay present and act accordingly.
But this time I have achieved some (great) success. I am quite tired (who wouldn´t?) but today resting at home and looking back, I can see that some tiny changes have made a big difference.
I felt that was okay if the big issues in my life didn´t let me see the little joys, if I didn´t want to count my blessing because I felt that I wanted to be sad or angry or hopeless, if I changed my mind regarding things that were important to me months ago and I was putting first those that I should have mastered ages ago.
I felt that even when I was not doing what I had planned, I had to accept it instead of feeling ashamed. And by doing it, I have discovered new fragments of inner wisdom, the kind of inner wisdom that comes to us slowly. Paradoxically, this behavior has made me find also new (and maybe more complex and authentic) reasons to rejoice in unlikely places.
Today I celebrate simply that.