DAY 600

farewell, 2015

I've been planning to write a post about 2015 for some time now. After pondering this and that, I decided to keep it simple as I am determined to use my time more wisely, and to be less conditioned by my ego's needs to be perfect. So here I am, a bit late, mainly because I need to close what I would define as a challenging (and life-changing) year. At this point, many of you know well some of the experiences that I have had to live, so I am not going to speak of them again. I am going to focus on how my life has been transformed by them.

I have had to cry much during 2015. I have done it silently, privately, inconsolably and openly. I started the year determined to be more authentic, so I didn't ignore or conceal my sorrow, my sadness. On the contrary, I lived with it -went through it-, not only after the passing of my friends (or my dear cat), but also along their process of leaving this existence. I was there and I talked about it, I allowed myself to feel the pain, the fear and even so, I offered them my unconditional presence.

By doing that I experienced a sort of catharsis. I felt how my shell (the old carapace that was covering my heart) started to –finally- crack. It was like an end of an era. After all the inner work, I was feeling free!.

I still am not sure why this happened. Maybe it was the shock linked to every loss or the sense that the time was limited; maybe it was the acknowledgement regarding the triviality of many of my efforts versus the greatness of life and death... maybe it was my moment.

Maybe, through the hollows of the broken fabric of my life I accidentally glimpsed how future could be. I don't know, but I had an insight into the reality of my existence and the reason for being here.

And I understood that I would never be the same. I wouldn't pretend not to be myself anymore or disown my gifts ever again. I understood that I would keep listening my inner voice but without any shame.

I realized that vulnerability was leading me to a turning point. I realized that I had to pay tribute to light by awakening and by creating enlightenment regardless of my doubts. That there was a force inside me that was claiming to be out, to bloom, and I had to allow it to do it.

I understood that I won't disguise my essence from now on.

Today I know that I have to soar -leave my old place- and walk over in order to greet the truth of who I am. And that’s what I am doing.

DAY 365+135 = 500

in the prime of life

When I first started to think of this post which would be my first post of 2014 and where I wanted to talk about my New Year resolutions, I felt certain unease. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more uneasy I felt.

The first days of the New Year I usually outline what I intend to do as a way of manifesting it. I set goals and develop the guidelines of my inner work by choosing a word for the year. This, quite often,  gives rise to a working methodology which -frequently-nurtures this blog.

This has allowed me to move forward and heal (which is obviously, the aim that lies beneath this journey of mine), but when I thought about it this time, I realized that even when I wanted to keep this process (which is indeed a daily practice right now) and to continue to heal and to create more serenity, peace and joy in my life, I didn´t  want to do it the same way I´ve been doing it. 

Indeed, since December started, I knew that I didn´t feel like doing tasks related to New Year commitments (maybe because they were becoming a bit uninspiring). So instead of forcing myself to do it, I decided to abandon the pressure and the lists and try to find out the reason why I felt that way. 

While I was thinking of all these things, I had a request from Marcie of Vision and Verb because we were going to publish a post of communal intentions and suddenly I came up with this:

To regret less, enjoy more. Complain less, appreciate more. Expect less, love what is more. Reject less, embrace more. Judge less, respect more. Analyze less, celebrate more.

These words summarize what was going round in my head. In particular, the last paragraph. Once I wrote them without much reflection, they settled inside me -so to speak- and acquired new meanings. The more they stayed with me, the more I understood that they were meant to rule my life along the next twelve months, in particular -I have to say it again-  the last paragraph. Maybe because the first ones, some way sum up what I have been doing. In fact, they express a result and are a sort of reinforcement, but the last one is brand new.

Analyze less, celebrate more! I´ve been saying this to myself since I first wrote it. Sometimes exclaiming, often doubting myself. I´ve felt both hopeful and frightened. Could I be able to approach my life that way?, and finally, I have said, YES!. I know these words hold a deep truth to me, and I am sure they will lead me to a new level of consciousness.

When I think about celebrating, I am not only thinking about rejoicing in my accomplishments, I am thinking also, about performing new actions which can help me to support others and also about praise publicly who I am and how blessed I feel (now) being myself. I want to honor my journey, by celebrating any step of my path.

However, these are not resolutions, there are not goals, the only thing I want to do is invoking this energy of celebration. I don´t want to undertake any particular or predetermined task; I don´t want to plan anything, maybe for the first time in my life... I only want to see where this energy of celebration can lead me.

Of course, this can change it all. Indeed, this can change the style of my inner work, the essence of my practice, what I want to show to the world and what I want to share. It is already changing my mood!.

 I want this blog to reflect what I am talking about so keep an eye out for the next posts because I am going to offer new proposals that will meet all these characteristics.

I am so motivated by all this!!. Next December I´ll be 50 years old and I cannot imagine a better way to go over the months ahead. I also have found out that -by chance- this post which marks this turning point is my 500th post. Coincidence? I don´t think so.

Hope you will stay with me along this promising year.

Much Love to you all

Z.