DAY 600

farewell, 2015

I've been planning to write a post about 2015 for some time now. After pondering this and that, I decided to keep it simple as I am determined to use my time more wisely, and to be less conditioned by my ego's needs to be perfect. So here I am, a bit late, mainly because I need to close what I would define as a challenging (and life-changing) year. At this point, many of you know well some of the experiences that I have had to live, so I am not going to speak of them again. I am going to focus on how my life has been transformed by them.

I have had to cry much during 2015. I have done it silently, privately, inconsolably and openly. I started the year determined to be more authentic, so I didn't ignore or conceal my sorrow, my sadness. On the contrary, I lived with it -went through it-, not only after the passing of my friends (or my dear cat), but also along their process of leaving this existence. I was there and I talked about it, I allowed myself to feel the pain, the fear and even so, I offered them my unconditional presence.

By doing that I experienced a sort of catharsis. I felt how my shell (the old carapace that was covering my heart) started to –finally- crack. It was like an end of an era. After all the inner work, I was feeling free!.

I still am not sure why this happened. Maybe it was the shock linked to every loss or the sense that the time was limited; maybe it was the acknowledgement regarding the triviality of many of my efforts versus the greatness of life and death... maybe it was my moment.

Maybe, through the hollows of the broken fabric of my life I accidentally glimpsed how future could be. I don't know, but I had an insight into the reality of my existence and the reason for being here.

And I understood that I would never be the same. I wouldn't pretend not to be myself anymore or disown my gifts ever again. I understood that I would keep listening my inner voice but without any shame.

I realized that vulnerability was leading me to a turning point. I realized that I had to pay tribute to light by awakening and by creating enlightenment regardless of my doubts. That there was a force inside me that was claiming to be out, to bloom, and I had to allow it to do it.

I understood that I won't disguise my essence from now on.

Today I know that I have to soar -leave my old place- and walk over in order to greet the truth of who I am. And that’s what I am doing.

DAY 534

making a happy come-back

After a whole month of checking my students´ papers, dealing with tons of administrative tasks and after publishing their grades, I am slowly trying to be back to a more exhaustive way to develop my inner work.

I haven´t been totally far away from my daily practice and that´s the reason right now I feel tired but not as exhausted as previous academic courses, although I haven´t had time to do most of the things I usually do. In fact, I have been developing a simpler version of it that hasn´t included sharing my thoughts here, but it has been enough to keep the balance.

But now that I am a bit more relaxed, my brain, my heart and my soul are claiming the peace that this inner work provides me.

I thought I would take it easy because I felt that I needed to rest. This week my creativity has seemed to be asleep and I´ve been feeling totally drained, but once I started to check my latest photos in order to write this post I realized that I am fully ready to restart.

That´s great because means that I have internalized the abilities and routines to do such thing. So here I am. It hasn´t been easy to keep this blog updated along this first semester of the year, but summer will give me the chance to refresh it and to start new projects.

Hope all is well with all you. Thanks for your patience and as always, thanks for reading.

Much Love,

Z.