DAY 365+27

brief recap and reaffirmation

So the last day of the year finally arrived and gone by. I have no way to enumerate all the significant things that past year has brought me. I am not sure I want to make a long list of achievements or the challenges I have faced up successfully (yet with much pain sometimes)

My main intention along 2012 was to embrace whatever could come to meet me. I wanted to go further than acceptance which to me is a more passive attitude, but I didn´t imagine that through this process my prejudices about who I should be and my true needs started to grow apart

I thought that by embracing my life I wouldn´t question my reality, but I have stopped questioning myself. This has been the main consequence of my practice this year: I´ve realized that I can´t embrace the rest of the world if I don´t embrace myself first. So I have started to validate my own feelings and be kind to me. This has made me understand that I have to love myself much more than I actually do. Love myself even amidst a lack of accomplishment, love myself even when there is not nothing important to tell, love myself even when I am fragile or wrong, love myself when I can´t show any distinction or merit...

Maybe because this has happened, today I don´t feel like making a list describing fleeting moments of awareness, days of sorrow, the sudden joy that has hit me so often, the sweet and increasing sense of belonging that I have be feeling, the lapses back into former frames of mind and the tender recovering that has forced me to get in touch with my most highest self, through vulnerability. I don´t need to take stock of this year (not anymore) to prove myself that it has been fruitful or to demonstrate that I am good enough

Almost every day I have came here with my raw emotions and I have dealt with them using what I had at hand: a trained mind to observe, my pensive mood, my introspective character, my ability for feeling joy and focusing on beauty, my wounded heart, my brave spirit. Moment after moment, step by step. This has helped me to close some doors and open new ones and for this I am grateful, but I don´t need to display my medals (not anymore).

This is not a highest, final or decisive point, it is just another stretch of my path towards a more intentional life.

The new year has come and I will try to honor and celebrate the old lessons and learn the new ones… patiently, compassionately, respectfully, reverently. Moment after moment, step by step.

Wishing you all the best in 2013. Much Love Z.

DAY 365+24

about my odd Xmas mood

I´ve been going over Christmas posts along the whole month. After each reading I have felt the urgency of doing things but it was  like a flickering flame that didn´t last because my determination was not strong enough and my actions were not compelling, but erratic

So finally I accepted that I didn´t want to celebrate a classy Christmas this year and also that my mood was not oriented to complicated preparations. And although I love amazing checking lists and terrific decorations I decided to give myself permission to take it easy

I didn´t go through all the boxes I have with Christmas objects, I did not write Chisrmas cards, I didn´t  look for new plates, candles or recipes. I only went shopping on Sunday morning and bought a few gifts. I went to the supermarket on Monday morning, with no plan in mind and I brought home what I found more appealing. In fact, I started to think about the Christmas meal along the Christmas eve

I left expectations aside and enjoy what every single minute was offering and guess what!, it was the most perfect day. Maybe because my contentment was not based on certain preconceived ideas about what to eat, what to wear, what to feel... I was just living and laughing and my relaxed state of mind created a simple joy that was more brilliant that the most brilliant and sparkling garland

Somehow this has been a Christmas made of patches of tradition, inventions, improvisation and lack of etiquette, it was warm and friendly, unusual, intimate and so amazingly delightful...

I am glad I´ve been strong enough to stay true to my wishes and kept simplicity by escaping from all the dramas (either they are trivial, baseless or fairly justified) that imprison my ability for enjoying the present moment as it is

And I did it, I certainly did it

DAY 365+23

gathering the fruits of awareness

So the prophecies about the end of the world have shown to be baseless. And here we are with a little bit of extra time, with an additional edition of our lives where we can be whoever we want to or do whatever we wish 

If yesterday would have been the last day of my life, many of my dreams would have been useless but also my sufferings, contradictions and false expectations. So why are they so important?

The metaphor of the rebirthing (so close to Christmas imaginary) holds this meaning: we can make up our mind, we can decide to let go those things that are an obstacle and prevent us from being happy. We can modify our attitude, we can choose and there is no need to die in order to do it. We only have to change those things we want to change and forget about the others

I don´t want to leave this world right now, I so much love life, but a refreshed version of my current life would be appealing. So I am going to imagine this week that I am rebirthing and awakening to it

I don´t want to alter the past, but I am going to leave it behind and fly. I am going to empower my true self and make the most of my days. I have embraced my life all this year, I have gone through amazingly beautiful territories and through dark ones, and I have lived every single experience that came to meet me, but it´s time to focus on the harvest: achieving wisdom and don´t give it the chance to turn into joy is disgraceful

In a few hours I´ll be 48 year old and I feel that this birthday is meant to be a true turning point. It is going to be a rebirth, I am sure. A whole world (the world that I created to survive, where I ended up to be secluded) will indeed finish to me. And I won´t look back

DAY 350

gifted 

After the last weeks of frights, shocks and challenges and the busy days trying to catch up with my academic tasks, my classes and seminars with my students, I´ve started to feel moments of sudden joy. Pure, boundless and mysterious joy that takes me by surprise when I less expect it

During those moments I discover myself thinking about how lucky I am and feel amazed by all the gifts I have personally received. These moments  are not rational or justified, on the contrary, they are like brief sparks of clear light, and don´t come from my mind or from my heart but from a much more deeper and balanced place, which is not a place of ego, but a place of gratitude, a place where I can love myself fully

Along the days I have discovered that they are allowing me to count my blessings in a way that I had never done before, from a more honest viewpoint, because it´s related to my own talents and powers, about what makes me remarkable, and not about what surrounds me

This new attitude is an u-turn in my life because brings thankfulness to a new level, is subtle and precious (and not conceited) and makes me acknowledge my own attributes

It seems a bit strange (and even awkward)  to be blogging about them, but here it goes. These are my gifts: 

creative, curious, always learning

conscious, willing to be authentic, deeply connected to my inner wisdom

grateful, gentle and respectful

hard worker, intuitive, fully open to the universe messages

learning to be flexible and spontaneous, aware of the great importance of acceptance

proactive, realistic (I try to see things as they are), willing to make decisions and to solve problems

joyful

still learning to be visible

fierce advocate of self-knowledge as a way to growth (I see this life as a learning & healing process)

discoverer of healing moments that can change life and able to make them evident through images and texts

honest, responsible, able to keep the calm

willing to forgive (but finally aware of my own boundaries) and courageous (regardless my fears)

lover of everydayness (I truly believe that daily simple things have the power to awakening us)

believer in love, hope, peace and clarity

intelligent, always willing to challenge myself, not afraid to feel vulnerable

elegant and handsome (I can be attractive even when I am not conventionally pretty)

meticulous, lover of silence, able to see connections between things

spiritual seeker that loves to share her finds

still doing my inner work and enjoying the process

lover of words (I read and write almost every day since I can remember)

teacher, not only because it´s my profession, but because it´s my vocation.

I see beauty everywhere, in particular, in my own path and I am able to help others to discover this beauty

DAY 233

embrace aloneness

No matter if it´s wished or imposed, 

if you think it´s terrible or awe inspiring

No matter if it frightens you or you feel that it´s a pleasure you can´t afford


Look for moments alone with yourself and appreciate those that emerge unexpectedly because this will help you to develop your most contemplative side and, by doing this,  you will make room for ecstasy and awe for the miracle of being

Indeed, when we really become a friend with our solitude we can  get in touch with our old, wise soul and  find our spiritual vision whom allows us to  recognize the reason why we (as individuals) are here, now.... the inner logic of this precise and unrepeatable existence



wordless wednesday: petal

DAY 231

trapped into the life to which I belong


trapped in the beauty of everydayness, the slow countdown to my final day and the banality of tiny foolish acts

trapped in my current passions and lasting loves, possibilities, chances, daily concerns and regular obsessions 

trapped in the sweet breath of my body, the unspoken words and the days lived

trapped in sacred spaces and trivial delusions, nostalgia and resentfulness

trapped in my bliss

trapped in the margins of old stories, the sides of helplessness and glimpses of pure joy

trapped in hope and the need of desertion, contradictory emotions, expectations and preconceived ideas

trapped in amazement, dull duties, changes and the vast complexity of acceptation

trapped in darkness and the longing for light, the lack of confidence, open hearts and unexpected generosity

trapped in ridiculous dramas and well-grounded sadness, shades of grey and the red color of anger

trapped in my awareness

trapped in the arms of destiny, the mourning for future sorrows and pains and the endless fields of fear

trapped in tragedies and laughs, no prospects, silence and whispered advices

trapped in misunderstandings and well-intentioned lies, dreams and the old known strictness

trapped in my bended – yet not humbled- willpower and words the maybe don´t mean nothing 


...trapped in the freedom to be myself

DAY 176

persistence of beauty


Colors give its splendor to spring, but I have learnt through my life when something is missed, a sort of replacement or compensation occurs. So when I started to edit this photo in black and white, suddenly I started to become more aware of the subtle lines and forms, the delicate textures and veins, the direction of light. Things that before went unnoticed, became more relevant and the absence of color, which, to be honest, I didn´t like before, started to be secondary and even an advantage

And I wondered how many times along a life this can happen without being appreciated, or even rejected. I started a mental list about my own experiences, and I discovered a great evolution. As far as I can see, changing my mind about my need of control, has made a great difference

Of course, it hasn´t been always as easy as when I edited this photo and it has entailed some great challenges but mainly, tiny tests. In fact, simple situations, give us the real dimension of our own aperture:  when we are not able to accept any simple change, or it makes us suffer too much, it´s time to think about our attachment to rules, values, ideas, preconceptions or prejudices that are not making us happier, on the contrary, are making us feel upset and tired of our existence

It´s all about the way we expect reality to be and the attitude we choose to develop when something disappoints our expectations. We can choose to embrace or get annoyed, to accept or start to grumble about it, to repudiate our experiences or welcome them... in short, we can choose to disown our life or try to live it as best as possible

This won´t make all our experiences grateful, but will make our life bearable and probably, much more interesting,  joyful and beautiful