DAY 602

the beginning of something

There is a feeling inside me that is telling me that things are going to change. It has nothing to do with a well articulated reasoning or with a careful analysis of data, it is something much more visceral, more intuitive (related to my mood and my energy) that advices me that I am getting closer to a shift in my life, to a positive turning point.

Somehow, after a long process where what I have been done was based on my will power, on the practice, I am opening to the evidence that all what I was longing for is actually here. I can barely explain this, it seems to me that I am starting to wise up to the tricks that were preventing me to see my path. And I am listening –again- the little voice within that says “It is time”.

And indeed, it is time!. Time to move forward and start a new stage; time to let go old conditionings and beliefs; time to give up the destructive idea of perfectionism, and the useless image of myself; time to stop being reluctant and to be intrepid; time to abandon complexity and drama; time to get ready for the dreams the universe has for me; time to open that new door and get involved in this new episode that is about to start.

I am opening my eyes to new possibilities deliberately, and this is giving me the determination (or the predisposition) to embrace them without an ounce of laziness and to act accordingly. It may seem that nothing is moving or growing on the edges of my life, it may seem that I am turning my back on these changes because I keep with my ordinary life and still deal with the same trivialities and everyday challenges. It may seem that I am only fooling myself, but if you come with me deep inside, where my essence inhabits, you will find yourself in the eye of a hurricane.

In that place nothing can disturb or distort my vision. There I can see clearly my destiny, my purpose, the force that has led me here. No matter If I think that I am not doing enough, if the thousands things I have to do push me in the wrong direction, or my concerns make me feel downhearted. No matter if I stop to smell the flowers, if I opt for some sacrifices in the name of love or if I spend some time here and there. No matter if some days I feel tired and I see my wounds wide open again, or if I am only able to take baby steps or if I forget to trust my process blindly... because the universe has a plan, my soul has a plan, and they do trust blindly my capability. So, some way or another,  I am developing it, achieving its goals which -curiously enough- coincide with my most cherished dreams.

Am I lucky?

DAY 600

farewell, 2015

I've been planning to write a post about 2015 for some time now. After pondering this and that, I decided to keep it simple as I am determined to use my time more wisely, and to be less conditioned by my ego's needs to be perfect. So here I am, a bit late, mainly because I need to close what I would define as a challenging (and life-changing) year. At this point, many of you know well some of the experiences that I have had to live, so I am not going to speak of them again. I am going to focus on how my life has been transformed by them.

I have had to cry much during 2015. I have done it silently, privately, inconsolably and openly. I started the year determined to be more authentic, so I didn't ignore or conceal my sorrow, my sadness. On the contrary, I lived with it -went through it-, not only after the passing of my friends (or my dear cat), but also along their process of leaving this existence. I was there and I talked about it, I allowed myself to feel the pain, the fear and even so, I offered them my unconditional presence.

By doing that I experienced a sort of catharsis. I felt how my shell (the old carapace that was covering my heart) started to –finally- crack. It was like an end of an era. After all the inner work, I was feeling free!.

I still am not sure why this happened. Maybe it was the shock linked to every loss or the sense that the time was limited; maybe it was the acknowledgement regarding the triviality of many of my efforts versus the greatness of life and death... maybe it was my moment.

Maybe, through the hollows of the broken fabric of my life I accidentally glimpsed how future could be. I don't know, but I had an insight into the reality of my existence and the reason for being here.

And I understood that I would never be the same. I wouldn't pretend not to be myself anymore or disown my gifts ever again. I understood that I would keep listening my inner voice but without any shame.

I realized that vulnerability was leading me to a turning point. I realized that I had to pay tribute to light by awakening and by creating enlightenment regardless of my doubts. That there was a force inside me that was claiming to be out, to bloom, and I had to allow it to do it.

I understood that I won't disguise my essence from now on.

Today I know that I have to soar -leave my old place- and walk over in order to greet the truth of who I am. And that’s what I am doing.

DAY 599

new (old) me

Sorry for the long absence. After all the things I had to deal with along the first semester of the year and afterwards, many things are moving in my life and I haven’t been sure about how to share that here. I don’t know where to start. I am enjoying my classes again very much. I have no time literally for doing all the creative things that come to my mind. Not only regarding photography, but also regarding many other areas. Indeed I have started a few new projects and have connected with many interesting persons. My inner work is being relevant again and I have reached a new stage linked to my self-knowledge.

Little or nothing has really changed in my life, or at university, or at home… my schedule keeps being hectic (in particular in November) and everydayness evolves as expected, with its ups and downs: my mom turned 91 years old a couple of weeks ago (lucky me!), she is starting to be a bit forgetful and so on... but I feel completely… alive. I cannot find a better word. This big amount of powerful energy has taken me by surprise and has left me thrilled and a bit hyperactive. I’ve been exploring much out of my comfort zone, and now the time to systematize is about to arrive. Or so I think.

I feel that I am making room for new experiences and perspectives, that I am closing a cycle, that many of my early (and recent) lessons have led me to this point of my life. When I turned 50 last December, I really felt that the best was yet to come, soon I had to go through many sad circumstances, but I never lost the faith. Now, I know that I was not wrong.

This year with its pain and all, has been amazingly interesting, enlightening and rewarding. Unconditional love has been one of its key notes. A love which is bigger than life, bigger than death. And this has transformed me deeply. It has awakened in me the need to stay fully aware. To inspire and be inspired. To be in awe of my own beauty. To be immersed in the mysteries of this existence. To dwell only in joy.

This blog was created to document my healing process. I am happy to inform that today I am much closer to my own true self than ever before. My journey will continue. And this blog will be my journal, but I am sure that its contents will change as much as challenges are changing and demanding a more expansive horizons. I can't wait to fly.

DAY 598

autumn's finds

November must be one of my favorite months. There is something in the air, in the light, in the weather that always changes my mood. Even this year, even only after five days. It is already working its magic.

I have gone through many stages along my process of mourning. Indeed I have gone through all the stages of loss and grief many times, and I have started the whole process all over again at least three times, or even more. It was my response to the consecutive death of a dear friend, my sweet cat and another best friend in the space of six months. It was also my response to my own impotency.

It may seem a cliché after all the texts and information existing about them, but I have found myself coming and going from one stage to another during all this year, although coping with my pain has been a deeply personal experience. I am still far from a total acceptance. I still experience anger and sadness, but I have now many moments of calm and gratitude. As I have not experienced the stages in the order that they are usually listed (denial, anger, bargaining , depression and acceptance), I have always had them, but now  -since mid October or so- they are much more consistent.

Nevertheless, one of the things I have been longing for -even in the best days- has been the sense of joy and illusion that was part of my nature. Even being an analytical introvert, even when I have gone through many difficult times along my life, I have had always an active, venturesome and proactive attitude. Regardless of sadness or pain, I always found a reason for living: a new project, a new dream, a new challenge… but not this time. This time, I have felt that this little spark inside me was fading. I have felt that life could be futile... that maybe my spirit was giving up.

But November's energy is blowing on that little flame and I am starting to feel its warmth inside my chest again. And with it, a new life is emerging. A new being is appearing. A new strength is taking form. A new future is coming into focus.

All this is still a bit blurred, fragile. I still have bad days. I still have many bad days, indeed. But the beat is unmistakable. And with the beat a call comes. It is a call for new things. It is a call for boldness. I have always wanted to break the boundaries that keep me safe inside an academic context. I have always wanted to share my learnings, but doubts have undermined my confidence. However, –after all this year- I have come to the conclusion that I have nothing to lose. I used to think in terms of “what if”. But now I am thinking in terms of “so what”.

Shall I dare to do what my heart desires?. I hope so . The vertigo that I experienced when I faced the possible lack of sense is becoming a new motivation (not sure how). And I know I have a few kind helpers up there... in the heaven... among the stars. 

DAY 597

in {and out} Week 31: Soft drink

The first time I saw the water with pieces of fruit or vegetable, I found it appealing and I thought it was a clever idea to enjoy water (something that I cannot easily do). So I decided to give it a try, but when I drink my first glass I thought: salad!. It was not tasty and fresh as I expected and I didn't like it. Every single person all over the blogosphere seemed to be enjoying it, storing new varieties inside  big mason jars and drinking it with delight, except me, so I decided to forget about it. And then one day, almost by chance, I prepared just a single cup of water with a slice of cucumber and another one of lemon, I took a tiny sip and it was not too bad, then another one and -by doing that- I finished the cup.

The same persons who had written about that were already busy with another thing: chia puddings, raw breakfast bars or maybe homemade granola (you get the idea) and I was still trying to become used to naturally flavored water. And -being analytic as I am- I started to think about how this could be possible. 

I was not unhappy with that (on the contrary I always appreciate inspiration) or concerned by my slowness ( it takes me time to make changes and I have clear criteria about things). I didn´t feel uneasy either (I know that quite often a small post is just the final step of a longer process), I was simply curious about how a this movements and trends worked.

I started a blog in order to find a space where I could be myself and other's blogs became a mirror where I could see the same determination that was moving me. It was a way to stay outside the conventional paths and to be creative, but of course, nothing escape the market’s clutches and now blogs are part of a wider scheme that involves many social nets, trending topics, trend setters, big marketing teams… you name it. 

Of course, this doesn't invalidate that kind of proposals, if perhaps makes them a bit more predictable. However, blogs still allow connection, the sense of belonging to a big community of kindred spirits or the possibility to overcome the gap that existed before depending on social origin or cultural background. They also help to make the world visible  as it is, to increase personal opportunities and spread knowledge… but –because it is in market interest- there are now a sort of (increasing) equalization that was less evident years ago. 

The good new is that regardless of this, there are still many persons making the most extraordinary things on a regular basis, showing us that there is a spark of brilliance in all of us, promoting awareness, advocating creativity, reclaiming their own strength, their vision,  and -through that- making us connect to our inner warrior, encouraging us to fight our  everyday battles. 

Yes, there are still lots of authenticity and uniqueness out there.  And I love having the chance to contemplate it. 


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share 52 photos. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 596

in {and out} Week 30: Red

Vibrant colors are related to strong emotions, and in particular, red represents joy and passion. Even when I can be joyful and passionate, those colors wouldn’t be easily linked to me. Not only because I don’t wear them usually, but because they are quite expansive and this is not my case.

Colors are codes, ways to send messages to the persons who are around us, and when I am in a social situation I don’t feel like attracting much interest or I prefer to be seen as a person which is serious and responsible rather than spontaneous or fun (something that is not false). However, this changes when I am at home. There, I don’t fear to reveal my creativity, my love for mixing styles, my need to extend my energy and personalize every single detail. There, I am not so conventional, and all the rigidness turns into freedom.

I have thought much about this apparent contradiction, I have wondered if I am more close to be my real self at home than outside, or if I should try to overcome the gap between those two spaces. But I have come to the conclusion that beyond the natural impact that being in a social -or private- place has on our behaviors; beyond the game of mirrors that we all can play, the masks and the strategies that we all (me included) develop in order to survive in this planet, I have to accept that I am an introvert and this makes me prone to be reserved and discreet (not shy).

This means (among many other things)  that it takes me a bit more time to show up in social contexts. That is part of who I am, part of my nature and it doesn’t make me less valuable or capable of achieving my goals, or less competent when it comes to understand what is happening around me, to analyze situations, respond to them (even from an emotional point of view) or help others, although I have to follow my own path while doing it.

In short, I move at my own pace but I don't need to compete against no one (even when this society often seems to reward or promote extraversion) or to act at the commands of others. Of course,  there is plenty room for improvement, but I  want to evolve while staying true to my own nature. I want to cultivate my own system for being assertive, showing empathy, leading and managing situations or making myself visible while I keep loving solitude, silence, dark colors, wandering along my inner landscape or  thinking too much... without starting to give opinions too fast, to become too expressive or to show off in front of strangers. 

There is nothing wrong with that but  I choose to be present in this world in a way that I can respect and  honor my truth.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 595

in {and out} Week 29: Noon

Twelve o'clock in the daytime (the moment I took this photo)  is a very precise time. It is midday, literally speaking. And it's difficult to perceive, unless you are looking at your watch. At this moment the sun is crossing the local meridian, it is in the zenith, so the light is direct and sharp. It is said that is not the best moment to take photos, but I do love that light. It is fierce and merciless and challenges the photographer, but if one learns to tame it, results can be amazing.

But noon is also (according to dictionary) "the highest, brightest or finest point or part of something". Although the definition is clear, this concept is less precise than the previous one, and even more difficult to calculate. The predominant speeches in our society usually link the peak of one's life to early adulthood, economic success and professional achievements... but as far as I am concerned, the highest or most important top of a person's life has nothing to do with that. Indeed it is not characterized by the gaining of wealth or position, but involves clarity and joy. 

In my case, this has coincided with midlife, that -if we trust advertising- is the start of decay, even when reality shows a different state of things.  Due to all those factors, it has taken me time to accept that this is a good moment in my life (indeed, maybe one of the best ones). But I truly believe it is. 

However, it is not good in the way I used to dream of (prejudices, again...), but in  a completely different way.  Things seem to be raw right now, not more refined. My emotions, my opinions, my perception are not so filtered or subtle, they are not even so genteel. I used to waste many time moderating them, but now I have no time (or disposition) to do it, I need to be sincere, open… to be natural, to feel  that I am just me. 

 I know this  need to process less has to do with the authenticity I was yearning for. To be honest, I still don´t know how to deal with it, but I guess that it is like the midday light: I only have to learn to tame it.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 594

in {and out} Week 28: Summer Selfie

When I started my summer vacation this year, suddenly all seemed to be irrelevant. I left my personal habits, this blog and many other things just abandoned. The photos taken, the posts unfinished, the doubts unresolved, the dreams suspended. I experienced the urge to try new things, to join new challenges, to dare to explore what I felt was waiting for me. Little I knew that I would spend most of the days just resting.

Yes, I’ve been learning that I can experience serenity beyond meditation, my inner work or any other practice. And from this accidental calm a new path has started to emerge; from the days I couldn't even leave my home a new clarity has stormed into my life; from the long afternoons alone with my thoughts (and my fan) a new direction has become manifest, and so very evident.

After the first half century of my life (oh, gosh!), after all the grief I went  through the first semester of this year, I am realizing that I am finally able to do what my soul has been yearning for. After a whole half century, I feel that I am finally ready.

The problem was that once this unexpected (and powerful) catharsis started to take place, I couldn't imagine how to make a comeback, how to start again here in this old place when I feel so changed… but finally this self-portrait (taken one of those days) gave me an excuse –so to speak- to restart this conscious practice. So here I am. 

This is a new chapter of my life. I still am not sure how it will take shape, but I know that I will be much more devoted to my inner quest and my creative endeavor. I know that all the things I have always wanted to accomplish regarding these aspects will come true. I do know it. 

I will be reporting the evolution of this tiny revolution. Hope you all will unravel this thrilling episode with me.

Much Love, dear friends,

Z.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 593

in {and out} Week 27: Song

I am not a great fan or a connoisseur of music. To be honest, I would love to be able to enjoy music more often, to know more about its history or techniques or to recognize composers. I really admire those who are able to do all that, and mainly those who have musical talent. But some days, music only irritates me and I have to opt for silence. This continues to happen even after living with my husband who was raised by a musical family and has great aptitude for music, after acknowledging that I have not such a bad ear as I used to think and after trying to learn to appreciate it better.

Paradoxically, I love dancing. And one cannot dance without music. As a result, music is associated in my mind to body motion, not to the fact of listening. It doesn't lead me to be more relaxed or calmed through stillness, but through a sort of inner euphoria that makes me want to smile, move and shout (which is quite odd as I am an introvert).

There are many pieces that produce this effect on me. Popular songs, classical pieces, country ballads, folk music, themes from old music comedies, Spanish boleros, blues, Latin-American salsa... you name it.

However, I have not many favorite songs, it depends on the moment and on my mood and quite often, I come across them accidentally, but while listening some of them, I have realized that there are always a common thread that link those which I prefer: time. Some way or another, they all talk about it.

There are words that make a good lyric and time (along with love) must be among them, but I have seen a deeper nexus: time heals, and music can do it also. Time is not visible, but music makes it audible. Music can connect us with circumstances and memories and with the pass of time, while time reveals the greatness of music. And -as far as I am concerned- music has the power to stop time, to make me feel timeless... ageless.

To make me accept (at least, just for a moment) that time is on my side.

This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 584

in {and out} Week 19: Antique

The last time I visited my mother, I brought the camera with me. I was thinking of taking some photos of a very old and beautiful porcelain pitcher that she inherited from her mother. I prepared the scene on my bedroom's bedside table and shot a few photos when I realized that I needed something else to improve the composition. I remembered having seen a box of old postcards inside my closet. I knew that my mother had put it there and it contained postcards that we had bought along some travels, visits to museums and so on. When I found it, I noticed that there was another box under it, I opened it and it was full of papers that actually were mementos of my time in the high school. There were also lots of letters sent by me to my mother during my first year at university.

I opened the antiquated envelopes and there I found sheets and sheets filled with my handwritten words. I glanced at some of them and read some paragraphs here and there, taking time to enjoy the wording, to analyze the way I used the terms to express what I was living or report my mood and suddenly,  I realized that I was witnessing the emergence of my adult being: I could feel the dreams of a better future, the concerns, the need to accomplish and to have control;  my determination to be independent and to be conventional, predictable, reliable in order to achieve approval; the way I was taking charge of my life, of my sentiments and of other's responsibilities... the way I was trying to fulfill other's expectations... the way early experiences and conditionings were starting to take a toll on my life.

I was only eighteen years old when I wrote them but the person who I would become was already there surrounded by naivety and joy and hopeful anticipation and wishful thinking. All the things mentioned above would result in highly self-demanding attitudes in the following years. They would result in excellence, in sadness and sorrow, in lack of boundaries and in the admission of abusive behaviors. In short, in the attempt to repress my true self.

I can hardly relate to this antique being that was arising from my infancy and has lived with me till recently. I cannot relate to the child I was, either. I can hardly relate to the way I behaved or to many of my priorities. I cannot feel anymore the heavy burden that I was always carrying or the sense of not belonging here with its dull pain. In fact, all this seems to have fallen into disuse. All this seems to pertain to an ancient era.

Of course, I remember the good moments, I celebrate the learnings, I cherish my strength, I treasure the love and guidance that have supported me and made me evolve and I appreciate my path. I can see also a common or unifying thread going through all my story, that helps me to identify what has been (and is) true and authentic in my life, my genuine self... but most of what I found in those letters (except for this unshakable thread which is made of faith and creativity and trust and passion and connection) belongs to a bygone era and as it is said: let bygones be bygones.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 576

authetincity

Every year I choose a single word that usually helps me to define my inner work throughout it. Often I find difficult to select the right one but this time I knew that my word for 2015 would be authenticity since the beginning of December. I felt that the time to stay totally true to myself had come and I was ready to try it, maybe because my 50th birthday was near.  I hadn´t thought too much about the word, it was a sudden revelation, it came into my life without asked for permission and I accepted it gratefully. 

I was planning to write about my commitment to stay authentic when the year started but I suffered an important loss in January (and new ones in the upcoming months), and I didn´t feel like writing about my word, or about my circumstances either. In fact, I don´t want to talk openly about it yet. 

I have questioned my need to stay quite many times. I wondered why I was not able to share my feelings here or why I was so reluctant to look for new possibilities or ways to overcome my quietude, my loneliness, my sadness… why I was not fighting against all this through new activities,  why I want to be isolated in my little world by myself… why I was not demanding consolation...

I blamed myself on being so strange till I understood that I was simply embodying the word that had hit me months ago. I was simply giving a concrete form to authenticity by allowing myself not to be strong and competent and constant and careful and diligent, by allowing myself to act according my own vision without considering social conventions, others expectations or even my own criteria about how I should behave, how I should be.

And suddenly I realized that this was indeed a new twist of my inner work. Being authentic was leading me to distinguish in a much more accurate way between the stereotyped image of myself that I had perfected along my life and my true, highest self, to distinguish what really moved me from attachment or prejudices, passion from ego.

I never meant to reexamine the manner I deal with suffering or unease when I chose this word back in December. In fact, I thought I was already clear about this issue, about my responses related to caring or fighting. I never meant to peel a new layer off my conscious only to discover that after letting go many conditionings I still had to keep doing it, that (after this big, long journey) I still want to rescue, save and redeem the world (how arrogant can I be!).

But it happened… and thanks to this, a time of sorrow has become much more significant. Now searching for this kind of authenticity is part of my daily practice and I am planning to go more deeply into it along the next months.

I would like to have you all by my side, your support means a world to me.

Much Love, dear friends

Z.

DAY 568

in {and out} Week 7: Carnival

After doing tons of inner work and trying this and that. After going through many tools and techniques created in order to improve the healing process and giving them all a try. After coming across new wounds that I didn´t even know and understood new layers and layers of my own story. After restoring a sense of self and letting go many old habits and creating new ones... In short, after feeling –once and again- that I was almost “there”, I used to have the sense that I still had something to do, something to mend, something that needed to be purified, a new aspect of my existence that I wanted to make clean. And I started again.

But a day came and I felt that I didn´t want to analyze once more time what was incorrect or misplaced, what could be better, what should be enhanced. That day came and I felt that the only thing I wanted to do was blessing, embracing, celebrating my life as it was, that the only thing I could do was validating myself as I was. And suddenly I realized that I didn´t want to be anyone else, I was not willing to live my life as if it were a perpetual carnival.

It was a shocking, miraculous, day when I woke up and felt that what I had, what I had achieved, the person who I had become, the life that I had constructed from ashes should be enough. Please, don´t get me wrong, I was not closing the door to new levels of understanding or learning, I was just stopping my endless chase for something that made me valuable, I was just reckoning my efforts as fully adequate, I was just validating my path and rejecting the fact that I had to keep trying to fit in a preconceived idea about spiritual elightenment or pretending it.

That day I decided to go back to the basis, regardless of my need to explore new ideas and to figure out the puzzle of consciousness. That day I abandoned an old mask that was related to perfectionism and competitiveness, to the importance that I gave to exactness and to demonstrate that I was right. I started to bow down to my reality and to stay true to the essential practice that had always supported my process: meditation, attention and presence, emotional awareness, connection and appreciation of guidance, acceptance and gratitude.

The fall of this concrete mask, has made me more oriented to simplicity, more humble and also more generous, open and authentic. I have discovered that just focusing on staying here in this right present moment is more than sufficient, that I don´t need to prove who I was, who I will be or who I want to be, either.  

I only had to be by ceasing my fight.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 553

treasuring delicacy

Going through this life is not that easy sometimes.  We can change and learn but certain things will continue to happen, things that often hit us in our frailest side. That´s the reason why is important to be ready to accept our own fragility and act consequently.  

Along the years I have realized (and internalized) that most of my inner work is  aimed at healing early wounds, but till recently I have not acknowldeged that the soft tissue that I am creating by fixing those wounds is not strong enough to bear some kind of impacts.

It has taken me time to admit it. I used to think that I was fixing things  in order to  become invulnerable,  but I have come to understand  that I am just learning to deal with my own vulnerability (I am  indeed,  embracing it) and to improve my resilience, I am not  chasing perfection.   

I have had to reconcile with the truth of my story  before reaching that kind of acceptance.  I have had to stop trying to compensate my past, stop trying to be immune, unaffected by the act of living. In short, I have had to see myself as I really am: injured, strong, prone to struggle, brave but also sensitive to all the things that can drain my energy, to any form of abuse, still delicate, still liable to suffer danger.

After  reaching  this stage, I realized that I can love myself.  Now I know that I have  not to feel  ashamed by that, I have  not to feel guilty, I have  not to feel  a looser. I have fought against fear and anger and pain and the lack of connection  and I have won.  So I have  to be confident and proud, but also (and this makes a whole difference) gentle and tender with the person I really am.

I am learning to remember what can increase my power and resistance and  what can steal them;  what can increase my joy  and self-esteem and what can destroy them; what can make me feel more competent and what can make me feel inept,  and by accepting this (even when it may sound paradoxical)  I am honoring my vulnerable side instead of considering it a weakness,  of considering myself broken.

This new approach (that is all about daring to be open, visible, real)   is making me feel even healthier  and it´s allowing me to transform myself in a way that I thought was not possible.  

Of course, I am experiencing a sense of lose (I´ve been so attached to my ideas about  strength and success, of being completely immaculate and undaunted!!), but also, I am setting free  a great amount of blocking energy  while  permitting those preconceived ideas to fall down. 

Maybe they were appealing long ago, but now I need  to expose myself to the danger of being authentic. And it feels good.