DAY 605

at the right place

Inner peace can be elusive. One doesn’t expect this to happen after living much and accepting even more, after having let go so much and having experienced such a relief. One expects some tranquility, tiny respites that last a bit more. One expects to be able to call a truce with oneself. But expectations can be dangerous. They, indeed, create anxiety, the first enemy of calm and cloud our judgment. And when this happens, no matter how hard the work done has been, anger appears, and frustration reigns supreme.

Let me tell you that I have been feeling that way lately. After living some really changelling years where I have learnt to appreciate the great importance of staying true to myself, I've been trying to move toward new -and more meaningful- goals that are already clear in my mind and feeling totally exhausted at the same time (as I explained on my previous post). As a result, the usual “vicious circle” described above, began: the more I struggled against this fatigue or wanted to fit my preconceived ideas about what I should be doing, the more exhausted and irascible I felt, and the less composed. I started even to wonder what I was thinking when I chose the word soar for this year. However, before completing the whole circle and ending up immerse into self-pity or starting to feel like a miserable failure, this time I decided to ask for guidance and help first. And it came to meet me.

Suddenly I realized that maybe that tiredness was not a laughing matter (or was not only about resting), that maybe it was a way to make me pondering my next movement. I saw clearly that after so many inner changes now I am a person able to make the necessary outer changes, but I also had the strong feeling that I have to stay a bit in my base camp -so to speak-, before starting new adventures.

This has been quite difficult to grasp and to accept: adventures, projects, dreams, experiments (you name it) have been always my lifeblood, and I truly believe that they have saved my life. In fact, nowadays, I still don’t understand very well how I have survived to certain things. And although I guess it partly happened because I probably had the strength required, I also know that much of my impetus came from that desire of keep on walking. But in spite of that, along these weeks I have come to understand that I don’t need to be in survival mode anymore, that I have not to run away or to defend myself, that I am finally totally safe and I can enjoy what is yet to come.

This has been a great find (a tiny epiphany, I would say) not only because many conditionings are starting to fade away as a result, but because it has helped me to acknowledge that I deserve to be here, and this is –believe me- a true turning point.  And although this may  seem that doesn't make any difference, makes indeed a great difference, dear friends: now it is not only my inner compass which is indicating my true north, I am also facing the right direction.

DAY 602

the beginning of something

There is a feeling inside me that is telling me that things are going to change. It has nothing to do with a well articulated reasoning or with a careful analysis of data, it is something much more visceral, more intuitive (related to my mood and my energy) that advices me that I am getting closer to a shift in my life, to a positive turning point.

Somehow, after a long process where what I have been done was based on my will power, on the practice, I am opening to the evidence that all what I was longing for is actually here. I can barely explain this, it seems to me that I am starting to wise up to the tricks that were preventing me to see my path. And I am listening –again- the little voice within that says “It is time”.

And indeed, it is time!. Time to move forward and start a new stage; time to let go old conditionings and beliefs; time to give up the destructive idea of perfectionism, and the useless image of myself; time to stop being reluctant and to be intrepid; time to abandon complexity and drama; time to get ready for the dreams the universe has for me; time to open that new door and get involved in this new episode that is about to start.

I am opening my eyes to new possibilities deliberately, and this is giving me the determination (or the predisposition) to embrace them without an ounce of laziness and to act accordingly. It may seem that nothing is moving or growing on the edges of my life, it may seem that I am turning my back on these changes because I keep with my ordinary life and still deal with the same trivialities and everyday challenges. It may seem that I am only fooling myself, but if you come with me deep inside, where my essence inhabits, you will find yourself in the eye of a hurricane.

In that place nothing can disturb or distort my vision. There I can see clearly my destiny, my purpose, the force that has led me here. No matter If I think that I am not doing enough, if the thousands things I have to do push me in the wrong direction, or my concerns make me feel downhearted. No matter if I stop to smell the flowers, if I opt for some sacrifices in the name of love or if I spend some time here and there. No matter if some days I feel tired and I see my wounds wide open again, or if I am only able to take baby steps or if I forget to trust my process blindly... because the universe has a plan, my soul has a plan, and they do trust blindly my capability. So, some way or another,  I am developing it, achieving its goals which -curiously enough- coincide with my most cherished dreams.

Am I lucky?

DAY 601

soar

Usually when a year starts a word comes to meet me. When I first realize that it is by my side, I often don’t understand why. I even try to avoid it, thinking of words that probably would be much more adequate. I simply want to stay away from it, because deep inside I know that it will generate profound transformations in my life and I fear the consequences.

This resistance only makes the word more persistent. In fact, the more I resist, the more it persists. And then, one day, suddenly, I feel that I can embrace it. My determination has been eroded and I listen its calling. When this moment arrives I know that my word is going to introduce me to challenges and opportunities and I am ready to follow it regardless of my initial reluctance.

I truly believe that the word comes to meet me because there are parts of my true self that still must be unveiled, unraveled. Parts that have been hidden or forgotten, parts that have been masked although they are essential, parts that are gateways to more growing, more consciousness and more joy. Parts that are needed in order to keep evolving and to manifest my true purpose here. Parts -in short- that will help me to define better my vision, to create ways to make it real. And even so, every single year I repeat the same crazy dance, the same ritual before allowing it to come in my life.

This year my word is "soar". When I first start to hear it, I thought that I didn’t deserve it, that I was not good enough to make it mine. But later on I understood that maybe this was the reason why it had arrived in my life. And so it was. I have so much to offer inside me, so much to say and to share, that I am going to collapse if I don’t let go my repressing attitude and find the way to do it.

This first month I’ve been working on this word, owning it through my inner work,  letting its energy change things. I feel that indeed I am starting to soar, leaving behind old conditionings about my own worth, about success and failure, about why I do things. And I have come to the conclusion that I don’t need permission to be myself, to do whatever I want.

I am re-claiming the artist, the spiritual teacher and the healer inside me. I am making them more visible, giving them a protagonist role in my life, allowing them to lead my journey this year without restrictions or shame. I still have some doubts, but when they appear, a tiny voice whispers: you are destined to fly… no matter if you feel that your wings are broken. You will soar higher and higher.

And I believe it.