DAY 600

farewell, 2015

I've been planning to write a post about 2015 for some time now. After pondering this and that, I decided to keep it simple as I am determined to use my time more wisely, and to be less conditioned by my ego's needs to be perfect. So here I am, a bit late, mainly because I need to close what I would define as a challenging (and life-changing) year. At this point, many of you know well some of the experiences that I have had to live, so I am not going to speak of them again. I am going to focus on how my life has been transformed by them.

I have had to cry much during 2015. I have done it silently, privately, inconsolably and openly. I started the year determined to be more authentic, so I didn't ignore or conceal my sorrow, my sadness. On the contrary, I lived with it -went through it-, not only after the passing of my friends (or my dear cat), but also along their process of leaving this existence. I was there and I talked about it, I allowed myself to feel the pain, the fear and even so, I offered them my unconditional presence.

By doing that I experienced a sort of catharsis. I felt how my shell (the old carapace that was covering my heart) started to –finally- crack. It was like an end of an era. After all the inner work, I was feeling free!.

I still am not sure why this happened. Maybe it was the shock linked to every loss or the sense that the time was limited; maybe it was the acknowledgement regarding the triviality of many of my efforts versus the greatness of life and death... maybe it was my moment.

Maybe, through the hollows of the broken fabric of my life I accidentally glimpsed how future could be. I don't know, but I had an insight into the reality of my existence and the reason for being here.

And I understood that I would never be the same. I wouldn't pretend not to be myself anymore or disown my gifts ever again. I understood that I would keep listening my inner voice but without any shame.

I realized that vulnerability was leading me to a turning point. I realized that I had to pay tribute to light by awakening and by creating enlightenment regardless of my doubts. That there was a force inside me that was claiming to be out, to bloom, and I had to allow it to do it.

I understood that I won't disguise my essence from now on.

Today I know that I have to soar -leave my old place- and walk over in order to greet the truth of who I am. And that’s what I am doing.

DAY 599

new (old) me

Sorry for the long absence. After all the things I had to deal with along the first semester of the year and afterwards, many things are moving in my life and I haven’t been sure about how to share that here. I don’t know where to start. I am enjoying my classes again very much. I have no time literally for doing all the creative things that come to my mind. Not only regarding photography, but also regarding many other areas. Indeed I have started a few new projects and have connected with many interesting persons. My inner work is being relevant again and I have reached a new stage linked to my self-knowledge.

Little or nothing has really changed in my life, or at university, or at home… my schedule keeps being hectic (in particular in November) and everydayness evolves as expected, with its ups and downs: my mom turned 91 years old a couple of weeks ago (lucky me!), she is starting to be a bit forgetful and so on... but I feel completely… alive. I cannot find a better word. This big amount of powerful energy has taken me by surprise and has left me thrilled and a bit hyperactive. I’ve been exploring much out of my comfort zone, and now the time to systematize is about to arrive. Or so I think.

I feel that I am making room for new experiences and perspectives, that I am closing a cycle, that many of my early (and recent) lessons have led me to this point of my life. When I turned 50 last December, I really felt that the best was yet to come, soon I had to go through many sad circumstances, but I never lost the faith. Now, I know that I was not wrong.

This year with its pain and all, has been amazingly interesting, enlightening and rewarding. Unconditional love has been one of its key notes. A love which is bigger than life, bigger than death. And this has transformed me deeply. It has awakened in me the need to stay fully aware. To inspire and be inspired. To be in awe of my own beauty. To be immersed in the mysteries of this existence. To dwell only in joy.

This blog was created to document my healing process. I am happy to inform that today I am much closer to my own true self than ever before. My journey will continue. And this blog will be my journal, but I am sure that its contents will change as much as challenges are changing and demanding a more expansive horizons. I can't wait to fly.

DAY 598

autumn's finds

November must be one of my favorite months. There is something in the air, in the light, in the weather that always changes my mood. Even this year, even only after five days. It is already working its magic.

I have gone through many stages along my process of mourning. Indeed I have gone through all the stages of loss and grief many times, and I have started the whole process all over again at least three times, or even more. It was my response to the consecutive death of a dear friend, my sweet cat and another best friend in the space of six months. It was also my response to my own impotency.

It may seem a cliché after all the texts and information existing about them, but I have found myself coming and going from one stage to another during all this year, although coping with my pain has been a deeply personal experience. I am still far from a total acceptance. I still experience anger and sadness, but I have now many moments of calm and gratitude. As I have not experienced the stages in the order that they are usually listed (denial, anger, bargaining , depression and acceptance), I have always had them, but now  -since mid October or so- they are much more consistent.

Nevertheless, one of the things I have been longing for -even in the best days- has been the sense of joy and illusion that was part of my nature. Even being an analytical introvert, even when I have gone through many difficult times along my life, I have had always an active, venturesome and proactive attitude. Regardless of sadness or pain, I always found a reason for living: a new project, a new dream, a new challenge… but not this time. This time, I have felt that this little spark inside me was fading. I have felt that life could be futile... that maybe my spirit was giving up.

But November's energy is blowing on that little flame and I am starting to feel its warmth inside my chest again. And with it, a new life is emerging. A new being is appearing. A new strength is taking form. A new future is coming into focus.

All this is still a bit blurred, fragile. I still have bad days. I still have many bad days, indeed. But the beat is unmistakable. And with the beat a call comes. It is a call for new things. It is a call for boldness. I have always wanted to break the boundaries that keep me safe inside an academic context. I have always wanted to share my learnings, but doubts have undermined my confidence. However, –after all this year- I have come to the conclusion that I have nothing to lose. I used to think in terms of “what if”. But now I am thinking in terms of “so what”.

Shall I dare to do what my heart desires?. I hope so . The vertigo that I experienced when I faced the possible lack of sense is becoming a new motivation (not sure how). And I know I have a few kind helpers up there... in the heaven... among the stars. 

DAY 597

in {and out} Week 31: Soft drink

The first time I saw the water with pieces of fruit or vegetable, I found it appealing and I thought it was a clever idea to enjoy water (something that I cannot easily do). So I decided to give it a try, but when I drink my first glass I thought: salad!. It was not tasty and fresh as I expected and I didn't like it. Every single person all over the blogosphere seemed to be enjoying it, storing new varieties inside  big mason jars and drinking it with delight, except me, so I decided to forget about it. And then one day, almost by chance, I prepared just a single cup of water with a slice of cucumber and another one of lemon, I took a tiny sip and it was not too bad, then another one and -by doing that- I finished the cup.

The same persons who had written about that were already busy with another thing: chia puddings, raw breakfast bars or maybe homemade granola (you get the idea) and I was still trying to become used to naturally flavored water. And -being analytic as I am- I started to think about how this could be possible. 

I was not unhappy with that (on the contrary I always appreciate inspiration) or concerned by my slowness ( it takes me time to make changes and I have clear criteria about things). I didn´t feel uneasy either (I know that quite often a small post is just the final step of a longer process), I was simply curious about how a this movements and trends worked.

I started a blog in order to find a space where I could be myself and other's blogs became a mirror where I could see the same determination that was moving me. It was a way to stay outside the conventional paths and to be creative, but of course, nothing escape the market’s clutches and now blogs are part of a wider scheme that involves many social nets, trending topics, trend setters, big marketing teams… you name it. 

Of course, this doesn't invalidate that kind of proposals, if perhaps makes them a bit more predictable. However, blogs still allow connection, the sense of belonging to a big community of kindred spirits or the possibility to overcome the gap that existed before depending on social origin or cultural background. They also help to make the world visible  as it is, to increase personal opportunities and spread knowledge… but –because it is in market interest- there are now a sort of (increasing) equalization that was less evident years ago. 

The good new is that regardless of this, there are still many persons making the most extraordinary things on a regular basis, showing us that there is a spark of brilliance in all of us, promoting awareness, advocating creativity, reclaiming their own strength, their vision,  and -through that- making us connect to our inner warrior, encouraging us to fight our  everyday battles. 

Yes, there are still lots of authenticity and uniqueness out there.  And I love having the chance to contemplate it. 


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share 52 photos. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 596

in {and out} Week 30: Red

Vibrant colors are related to strong emotions, and in particular, red represents joy and passion. Even when I can be joyful and passionate, those colors wouldn’t be easily linked to me. Not only because I don’t wear them usually, but because they are quite expansive and this is not my case.

Colors are codes, ways to send messages to the persons who are around us, and when I am in a social situation I don’t feel like attracting much interest or I prefer to be seen as a person which is serious and responsible rather than spontaneous or fun (something that is not false). However, this changes when I am at home. There, I don’t fear to reveal my creativity, my love for mixing styles, my need to extend my energy and personalize every single detail. There, I am not so conventional, and all the rigidness turns into freedom.

I have thought much about this apparent contradiction, I have wondered if I am more close to be my real self at home than outside, or if I should try to overcome the gap between those two spaces. But I have come to the conclusion that beyond the natural impact that being in a social -or private- place has on our behaviors; beyond the game of mirrors that we all can play, the masks and the strategies that we all (me included) develop in order to survive in this planet, I have to accept that I am an introvert and this makes me prone to be reserved and discreet (not shy).

This means (among many other things)  that it takes me a bit more time to show up in social contexts. That is part of who I am, part of my nature and it doesn’t make me less valuable or capable of achieving my goals, or less competent when it comes to understand what is happening around me, to analyze situations, respond to them (even from an emotional point of view) or help others, although I have to follow my own path while doing it.

In short, I move at my own pace but I don't need to compete against no one (even when this society often seems to reward or promote extraversion) or to act at the commands of others. Of course,  there is plenty room for improvement, but I  want to evolve while staying true to my own nature. I want to cultivate my own system for being assertive, showing empathy, leading and managing situations or making myself visible while I keep loving solitude, silence, dark colors, wandering along my inner landscape or  thinking too much... without starting to give opinions too fast, to become too expressive or to show off in front of strangers. 

There is nothing wrong with that but  I choose to be present in this world in a way that I can respect and  honor my truth.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 595

in {and out} Week 29: Noon

Twelve o'clock in the daytime (the moment I took this photo)  is a very precise time. It is midday, literally speaking. And it's difficult to perceive, unless you are looking at your watch. At this moment the sun is crossing the local meridian, it is in the zenith, so the light is direct and sharp. It is said that is not the best moment to take photos, but I do love that light. It is fierce and merciless and challenges the photographer, but if one learns to tame it, results can be amazing.

But noon is also (according to dictionary) "the highest, brightest or finest point or part of something". Although the definition is clear, this concept is less precise than the previous one, and even more difficult to calculate. The predominant speeches in our society usually link the peak of one's life to early adulthood, economic success and professional achievements... but as far as I am concerned, the highest or most important top of a person's life has nothing to do with that. Indeed it is not characterized by the gaining of wealth or position, but involves clarity and joy. 

In my case, this has coincided with midlife, that -if we trust advertising- is the start of decay, even when reality shows a different state of things.  Due to all those factors, it has taken me time to accept that this is a good moment in my life (indeed, maybe one of the best ones). But I truly believe it is. 

However, it is not good in the way I used to dream of (prejudices, again...), but in  a completely different way.  Things seem to be raw right now, not more refined. My emotions, my opinions, my perception are not so filtered or subtle, they are not even so genteel. I used to waste many time moderating them, but now I have no time (or disposition) to do it, I need to be sincere, open… to be natural, to feel  that I am just me. 

 I know this  need to process less has to do with the authenticity I was yearning for. To be honest, I still don´t know how to deal with it, but I guess that it is like the midday light: I only have to learn to tame it.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 594

in {and out} Week 28: Summer Selfie

When I started my summer vacation this year, suddenly all seemed to be irrelevant. I left my personal habits, this blog and many other things just abandoned. The photos taken, the posts unfinished, the doubts unresolved, the dreams suspended. I experienced the urge to try new things, to join new challenges, to dare to explore what I felt was waiting for me. Little I knew that I would spend most of the days just resting.

Yes, I’ve been learning that I can experience serenity beyond meditation, my inner work or any other practice. And from this accidental calm a new path has started to emerge; from the days I couldn't even leave my home a new clarity has stormed into my life; from the long afternoons alone with my thoughts (and my fan) a new direction has become manifest, and so very evident.

After the first half century of my life (oh, gosh!), after all the grief I went  through the first semester of this year, I am realizing that I am finally able to do what my soul has been yearning for. After a whole half century, I feel that I am finally ready.

The problem was that once this unexpected (and powerful) catharsis started to take place, I couldn't imagine how to make a comeback, how to start again here in this old place when I feel so changed… but finally this self-portrait (taken one of those days) gave me an excuse –so to speak- to restart this conscious practice. So here I am. 

This is a new chapter of my life. I still am not sure how it will take shape, but I know that I will be much more devoted to my inner quest and my creative endeavor. I know that all the things I have always wanted to accomplish regarding these aspects will come true. I do know it. 

I will be reporting the evolution of this tiny revolution. Hope you all will unravel this thrilling episode with me.

Much Love, dear friends,

Z.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 592

in {and out} Week 26: Animals

We live in the era of great speeches and declarations, of great (and not so great) causes. Most of them deal with ideas and terms that fall within the sphere of the morality and try to set some rules of conduct. As a result, they delimit the correctness of certain behaviors. What can be done, what shouldn't be done.

Social media and mass media often work as loudspeakers of these speeches, so they gain adepts. They work also as a coercive power that forces us to stay faithful to their statements. But it seems to me that this creates double standards: what we say and what we do.

Don't get me wrong, I truly believe that many of those speeches are needed, that the requirements for a better world should be promoted, but the way this is done, makes a difference.

I see clear dissimilarities between educate by giving tools that allow us to analyze reality, be aware of our impact and change the way we act and indoctrinate which means to force a person to accept a point of view uncritically. When we do this last thing, we generate the double standards that I mentioned above. The person knows the doctrine, but doesn't know how to act accordingly or to assess consequences.

University seems to be the perfect ground for all this and teaching there have made me realize how dangerous this can be. These contradictions don't help to achieve what we are looking for, in fact, they provoke the opposing effect.

Change is not easy but is urgent. It demands coherence and determination. All the mystic masters say that it only will happen if we do little things with much consciousness. And I believe this to be true. I think we need the trends toward renewals on this society, but we also need personal commitment.

I try to teach this to my students: To get involved; To be intensely present. Not to follow the stream. And often, (that's why I am talking about this on this post) I give them the following examples:

 Are you in favor to protect the elderly?. Go and visit your grandparents or your great-grandparents. Go there and stay with them a whole day. Listen their stories; help them to go through an ordinary day. Stay with them while they eat or have a nap. Laugh with them. Be aware of their state of mind. See what they need. Forget all theories and practice empathy. Allow yourself to be there. Be mindful.

Are you in favor of the rights of animals? Love one single animal first. Love him (or her) so deeply that you feel that the boundaries between animals and humans become blurred. Look at his (or her) eyes and feel that you are one with that creature. Feel your hearts beating, slowly. Allow yourself to be there. Be mindful.

Once this is done, once you learn to merge your philosophy and your practice, you're ready to take the next step, whatever it be

I tell them so, not only because as far as I am concerned, actions speak louder than words. But because they have to be infused with emotions and knowledge, they have to be approached from sentience and awareness.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 591

sigh of relief

Grief is still here,
and sadness and the sense of emptiness.

And the lack of certainties,
and the incredulity, 
and the sorrow. 

And the astonishment,
and the tears.

And even so,
I still can find joy and beauty in the little things.

I am tempted to feel guilty,
I do feel odd.

And even so,
I cherish this ability of mine
because I know it is my anchor
and my lifesaver.

It helps me to keep a sense of fulfillment,
a sense of belonging,
a sense of amazement.

And maybe someday,
not today
nor tomorrow... someday,
this pain will be less sharp,
the wound less deep,
and the living experience, smoother. 

Meanwhile,
I appreciate the allure of this world
when it catches me by surprise.

Meanwhile,
I treasure these tiny moments of unexpected joy,
of unexpected beauty.

Because I know that without them,
I would be lost.

DAY 587

in {and out} Week 22: Heat

The heat started this year the same day she passed away or at least, this is my perception. Along the previous months, every time I was thinking about that possibility, I felt the heat. I don't know exactly why... maybe due to the diagnose, maybe because deep inside I knew she wouldn't live too much, maybe because regardless of all those facts, I had the hope that she would be able to live the first months of the summer, that I would be able to enjoy her company a few weeks more.

But my dear, dear, friend crossed to the other side of this existence a few days before the season would have officially started. That same day I felt a real heat and it was a foretaste of the solstice that was coming... the first solstice without her presence here.

I was not ready to start a new summer, not after all the things I have had to live this first semester of the year, not after losing most of the certainties I used to have. Not after having relinquished to the old sense of continuity. Not without this so loved friend (and the another sweet friend I lost at the beginning of the year and my precious cat who left me less than two months ago).

I was angry with the blue sky that shined brighter than ever before just the day after I had to say goodbye. World, people and in particular, this planet seemed so impassive to me!. She was not here anymore, but the heat continued its relentless progress and I felt it was detestable.

However, one morning I woke up very early. The day was starting and it was quite fresh and after opening the kitchen's window I paid attention (for the very first time in days) to the big firmament and I felt amazed. I forgot my pain for a second, I understood life and death from the viewpoint of this old mother earth and I felt released. I appreciated the pristine atmosphere and I thought of my dear friend who would have liked to delight in a morning like that once more time. I took a deep breathe and smiled for a second.

I know she had to go. I know it was the right moment (if this moment exists) because she couldn't keep living in so much pain (and she didn't want to). I had the incredible privilege of meeting her (I was only twenty five years old back then) and of having gone with her along her illness and I am thankful for this but I am going to miss her wonderful soul my whole life.

I still cry a lot but from that moment in front of the kitchen's window I have started to remember all the beautiful things we lived together...  and to reconcile with the heat, with myself and my presence here.

This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 582

in {and out} Week 17: Flowers

I am almost a newcomer to photography. My husband always thought that I could develop my creativity through it, but I only started to contemplate that possibility after having my first digital camera and taking an on-line class about self-portraiture (almost by chance). Once that happened, I began to explore the world around me with the camera in my hand and I realized that I just loved it. 

Photography has been a delightful activity along the last four years, it has helped me to improve my inner work which is quite important to me, but it has also permitted me to figure out how my creative mind works.

When I was young  I aspired to develop an artistic career (something that I never did), so I though a lot about what I should create and always the same type of things came to my mind: something impressive, complex or very profound from an intellectual point of view. But when I started to create I wasn´t able to make something like that. I created things that were symbolic and very detailed, precise, well executed and even imaginative but not intense or dramatic. Professors encouraged me to develop my talent but I simply couldn´t believe in it. I concluded that I had not what an artist needs and this (along with another issues) prevented me to look for specialized training. I kept creating but I choose to study education instead of arts.

When I started to take photos on a regular basis,  soon I felt drawn to certain kind of images and compositions. And soon, my prejudices about the advisability of that approach arose. I wanted to take street photos, black and white portraits, images that would reveal hidden aspects of society but once again I was caught up in contradictory feeling.  My mind wanted to try all that,  but my heart was fascinated with simple scenes of the domestic life, with little graces of everydayness and often fell victim to nature´s charms.

A voice inside my mind shouted for pain every time I took a photo following my heart.  After every click of the camera´s release, I had to listen: "Flowers, birds and cups of tea again, seriously?", but I was overflowing with joy and my creativity was increasing, so I learnt to ignore it, something I was not able to do when I was much younger. This allowed me to explore and refine my style and to admit that I am a person oriented to understand the whole picture through the close examination of all its details.

Now I don´t refuse to be who I am. I  pay attention to what often gets unnoticed, appreciate what is part of my daily life and compose using average items. I try to highlight the extraordinary in the ordinary, I like little things and I have come to accept that  I prefer to capture a fallen leave that a whole forest, an almost withered flower that a whole sophisticated bouquet. 

Through all this process I have brought to light what my soul needs (literally and figuratively) to grow -regardless of the resistance of my mind and my ego- and therefore, I have learnt to appreciate what I love to capture.

 I have learnt to appreciate what is unexceptional and unremarkable; myself and the life I live;  the mundane and the humble trifles that make my life easier, and much more joyful.

I have learnt not to expect what is unusual or striking to be happy and to honor the unexpected beauty that always find when I go over my path.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 581

full confidence

I have a personal journal where I mainly write down ideas about projects that I have in mind and I don´t want to forget. I have written many journals along my life most of them were made to reinforce or strengthen self-knowledge and new attitudes, to explore my feelings, but I also used some of them to explain stages of certain plans. However,  this is a bit different: I only write rough drafts, I don´t go deeply into any issue, I don´t add many details, concrete actions or dead-lines.

Considering that I teach projects planning at university, the idea of creating a journal about projects and don´t explain and develop their phases,  is quite difficult to me,  but reduces my need to achieve, my perfectionism and self-demanding attitude. It is an easy way to start without rush or sense of obligation and this -at least in my case- liberates tension and energy and promotes confidence. I only entrust my dreams to Universe and await for instructions (please    don´t tell my students!).

After describing a project I draw a square and I doodle around it. After this I write a question inside it that summarizes its true aim, that often is quite far away from material desires or specific expectations. Guess what? It works. Conditions to develop the projects (in very unique and even inconceivable ways) soon appear and they start to evolve easily  and without setbacks or side effects.

I don´t know exactly why this is happening.  I suppose that there are some moments in our lives when we are yearning for something and after demanding it we obtain exactly what we want without requirements or “traps", just a continuous progress from one stage to another without pain or effort, only joy, calm and a sense of flow. These moments occur when we are deeply aligned with our higher self… when we start to request exactly what makes it visible, instead of what empowers the ego. Once this happens we can evolve through love, communion with grace and a wisdom that goes beyond our own knowledge.

I´ve been finding myself involved in this kind of placid pace since I am keeping this journal. I am sure that it´s not the only reason why this is happening (I have learnt so much lately!) but it has become a sort of symbol of this new sense of alignment, of a new attitude. 

I trust the goodness of this path. I feel that I am learning to move toward my goals in a more relaxed (yet efficient) manner that is also more pleasant... more carefree and cheerful and much more consistent with the person I am right now. And this, my friends, makes me immensely happy.

DAY 578

regaining awe

I was about to leave the park when I saw a glimmer of purple next to my trail. I realized that alliums were flowering again. I got closer and look at the emerging buds carefully, slowly.

Their stunning beauty took my breath away and suddenly –just for a brief second- I felt like if I were alone in that moment, without past, without future… lost in that glimpse of the perfection of life´s cycles…  caught up in the presence of impermanence.

And during that brief second all the thoughts and wishes and dreams and desires stopped.

And the whispering voice with all its "do, do, do; wrong, wrong, wrong; more, more, more..." fell silent.

And the trivial competitiveness, the remains of anger, the fair concerns, the fading insecurity, the vast uncertainties, and the tireless fright were dismantled.

And the need to be right, to please, to demand approval… and the fear of not being enough ceased.

It was me and the flower.

And while I was looking hard at that unexpected miracle I knew that I was back to my path.

I acknowledged that I was ready to carry on with my practice, ready to continue teaching myself to take delight in little things, to preserve joy, to treasure a feeling of wonder over and over and over again.

DAY 577

in {and out} Week 14: Spring

Spring has come so timely this year!. 

You may say that spring always starts the same day and it´s true, but I mean that spring has been very welcome in this moment of my life. The start of the year was a hard winter to me, not only meteorologically speaking, but from an emotional point of view. I had to go through some devastating losses and as result, I felt not only terribly sad and tired but also, totally away from what usually inspires me: I only wanted to cease from all activity.

What I was feeling was not that alien to me, but I had always struggled against that state of mind setting new goals, and this time I simply couldn´t find enough energy to do it. I felt bewildered, disconcerted (and so the persons around me were). I felt that I was going to fall into despair, that I would go deep into a hopeless land but one only things happened: stillness… a vast, stunning stillness. It could have led me to a definitive listlessness but surprisingly, created room for reflection and allowed me to connect with my true essence.

Retrospectively, I can see that during this challenging time I didn´t force myself to make things, to start new complex projects or to stay busy (this would have been me my strategies in previous stages of my life). I just stood still and this –paradoxically- created renovation. I permitted myself to be embraced by this concrete process and that made me realize how much I force myself to do things that I really don´t want to do.

Benevolence to myself was a sort of light blinking in the darkness that presaged the termination of my winter. Finally, it has come to an end and accidentally (or maybe not) it has coincided with the end of the solstice.

Right now I want to get lost in this promising spring, stay open to new intuitions and strengthen the flood of life and joy that I feel inside me... but I am not going to do it hastily. I am going to penetrate into this sweet spring on tiptoe, softly, slowly (yet steadily) till I find the propitious soil to keep growing and plentifully flourish.

This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 576

authetincity

Every year I choose a single word that usually helps me to define my inner work throughout it. Often I find difficult to select the right one but this time I knew that my word for 2015 would be authenticity since the beginning of December. I felt that the time to stay totally true to myself had come and I was ready to try it, maybe because my 50th birthday was near.  I hadn´t thought too much about the word, it was a sudden revelation, it came into my life without asked for permission and I accepted it gratefully. 

I was planning to write about my commitment to stay authentic when the year started but I suffered an important loss in January (and new ones in the upcoming months), and I didn´t feel like writing about my word, or about my circumstances either. In fact, I don´t want to talk openly about it yet. 

I have questioned my need to stay quite many times. I wondered why I was not able to share my feelings here or why I was so reluctant to look for new possibilities or ways to overcome my quietude, my loneliness, my sadness… why I was not fighting against all this through new activities,  why I want to be isolated in my little world by myself… why I was not demanding consolation...

I blamed myself on being so strange till I understood that I was simply embodying the word that had hit me months ago. I was simply giving a concrete form to authenticity by allowing myself not to be strong and competent and constant and careful and diligent, by allowing myself to act according my own vision without considering social conventions, others expectations or even my own criteria about how I should behave, how I should be.

And suddenly I realized that this was indeed a new twist of my inner work. Being authentic was leading me to distinguish in a much more accurate way between the stereotyped image of myself that I had perfected along my life and my true, highest self, to distinguish what really moved me from attachment or prejudices, passion from ego.

I never meant to reexamine the manner I deal with suffering or unease when I chose this word back in December. In fact, I thought I was already clear about this issue, about my responses related to caring or fighting. I never meant to peel a new layer off my conscious only to discover that after letting go many conditionings I still had to keep doing it, that (after this big, long journey) I still want to rescue, save and redeem the world (how arrogant can I be!).

But it happened… and thanks to this, a time of sorrow has become much more significant. Now searching for this kind of authenticity is part of my daily practice and I am planning to go more deeply into it along the next months.

I would like to have you all by my side, your support means a world to me.

Much Love, dear friends

Z.