DAY 604

so here I am

My blog may be quiet, but the inner movement persists. Amidst the chaos of the everyday life I am feeling a flow of changes that go in several directions. I starting to go over new territories that are far away from my comfort zone, and feeling the need to create in a more systematic way, to develop a more consistent body of work, to connect my images and words through a predetermined argument, to stop doing this sporadically. 

Right now every single time I start to create (either privately or while participating in a working group, an online class et cetera) I feel the urge to examine some recurrent topics, to develop images able to illustrate certain stories… it happens even without noticing, even when prompts or discussion have little to do with them, even when I take photos or start to write without thinking much. 

It is something that comes from within, something that  has been awaiting to be showed, that cannot stay untold anymore and now is emerging.  I’ve been observing quietly what I have been doing and I have identified two big guidelines so far: 

One of them is about creativity, self-expression and inner voice. It is about all those things that makes me want to move forward, things that help me to stay linked to my true essence. It is about attaining joy and connection. It is about a sense of expansion. 

The other one is about healing, conditionings, self-knowledge and heritage. It is about ancestors and position, about gifts and secrets. It helps me to see that I am here for a specific reason, to understand better my life. It is about conquering peace and calm. It is about a sense of belonging. 

Those two big topics have obsessed me since I can remember, but it has been along the last years that they have been appear in a more explicit way. And I think I am ready to try to explore them thoroughly.  

I still have to think about concrete projects that will develop them, but I am trying to take it easy: I am recovering from what last year gave me (losses but also the chance to liberate myself and let go all the things that were moving me away from authenticity) and I feel exhausted. 

Even so, I can’t take the idea out of my head. I feel that this will drive me to the place where I want to be in this moment of my life. I know that this is the path that I have to follow in order to open myself to the world. Trough them I would be able to do what I want to do: help others to explore what make them move forward or acknowledge their mission in this world by using my images and words. 

I think that having limited myself to those two lines, and having described them is a decisive -yet tiny- step, and I am happy. I feel that it couldbe great. That it will work, but I don’t want to end up frustrated due to my lack of time (teaching at university can be demanding) or even more tired than I am right now. So although I  want to act as big as I dream, I am trying to accept that being overly hasty won’t be good for me.

However, I am planning to keep taking baby steps in the upcomming weeks… and to keep trusting that this will lead me to the life I dream of.  

DAY 365+108

Origins

My body can come from earth 
and to earth shall return.

My rational brain seems to be grounded in it too,
 always calling for rational answers. 

Even my heart, the axis of my emotions, has a mundane reminiscence, 
focused in my temporal identity 
and its obsessions. 

Maybe there is also something terrestrial in my personality,
my steady willpower in constant search for new goals, 
new challenges, 
new responsibilities. 

And what can I say about my so very human resistance
and my silent and conventional passions?. 

They all can be associated with qualities of heaviness, 
with matter. 

In fact, they are dust
and to dust shall return. 

But my soul,
oh!, my soul belongs to the wind, 
to the ethereal reigns of eternity. 

My adventurous soul has wings
and moves freely 
and explores. 

It comes from the air,
from the core of the energy -the spirit- that creates the universe 
and to the air shall return.

DAY 365+105

this tiny chink touched my heart,

this small narrow opening made me think about how everything started, 

this dark crack among the quiet facades led my mind to go back to those days

when the light came in through the countless fissures

that my armor had

and went into the dark chambers of my soul

through its half-opened doors.

I had been yearning for some kind of confidence,

some kind of tranquility,

some kind of peace…

awaiting them from the outer world.

I had been searching for some kind of bliss

along the whole planet.

I had felt invisible

and had done my work to keep the invisibility

because my vision, my true self, seemed to be unimportant.

But then one day (one year, one decade) 

I crumbled under the strain between the person who I was pretending to be and the one I really was

and I gave up control (I had had enough)

and the retaining walls started to fall down

and the clarity permeated my inner world…

only to show me that confidence, tranquility, peace and bliss had always been there.

DAY 365+104

exuberant aridity

why should we escape from contradictions,

assign tags,

try to define happiness?

Everything can happen

Everything is possible

As nature conquers the most unexpected spaces,

as the gorse broke the lava rocks and awaits flowering,

I have conquered my own territory

broken my resistance

and finally from the wounds, the blooms are emerging

wildly alive