DAY 599

new (old) me

Sorry for the long absence. After all the things I had to deal with along the first semester of the year and afterwards, many things are moving in my life and I haven’t been sure about how to share that here. I don’t know where to start. I am enjoying my classes again very much. I have no time literally for doing all the creative things that come to my mind. Not only regarding photography, but also regarding many other areas. Indeed I have started a few new projects and have connected with many interesting persons. My inner work is being relevant again and I have reached a new stage linked to my self-knowledge.

Little or nothing has really changed in my life, or at university, or at home… my schedule keeps being hectic (in particular in November) and everydayness evolves as expected, with its ups and downs: my mom turned 91 years old a couple of weeks ago (lucky me!), she is starting to be a bit forgetful and so on... but I feel completely… alive. I cannot find a better word. This big amount of powerful energy has taken me by surprise and has left me thrilled and a bit hyperactive. I’ve been exploring much out of my comfort zone, and now the time to systematize is about to arrive. Or so I think.

I feel that I am making room for new experiences and perspectives, that I am closing a cycle, that many of my early (and recent) lessons have led me to this point of my life. When I turned 50 last December, I really felt that the best was yet to come, soon I had to go through many sad circumstances, but I never lost the faith. Now, I know that I was not wrong.

This year with its pain and all, has been amazingly interesting, enlightening and rewarding. Unconditional love has been one of its key notes. A love which is bigger than life, bigger than death. And this has transformed me deeply. It has awakened in me the need to stay fully aware. To inspire and be inspired. To be in awe of my own beauty. To be immersed in the mysteries of this existence. To dwell only in joy.

This blog was created to document my healing process. I am happy to inform that today I am much closer to my own true self than ever before. My journey will continue. And this blog will be my journal, but I am sure that its contents will change as much as challenges are changing and demanding a more expansive horizons. I can't wait to fly.

DAY 580

in {and out} Week 16: Spring Selfie

I´ve been wearing mostly black, since January. In fact, during all these months I have only worn black or grey sweaters with jeans or black leggings; black jackets and anoraks;  black high leg boots with high heels, flat short boots or ankle boots; black, ochre or grey scarves and black or tortoiseshell sunglasses. The only exception to this rule has been a coat with a subtle animal print, silvery or golden accessories and pearls. I´ve been doing that not only because I felt very sad after some important losses, a few unfortunate events and many changes, but because I needed to feel strong and confident and and black always makes me feel this way, it´s good for me.

I think this fixation has its origins in my early life. When I was a girl, black was not considered an adequate color for kids. It was too formal or too gloomy but I always found it appealing. It was the color of grief, it´s true: the image of persons dressed in mourning is part of my childhood -in particular, widows-, but it also symbolized sophistication, elegance, allure and even certain intellectualness and a rebellious mood (at least, to me). So, as soon I could, I started to wear it and I felt much more refined and worldly-wise than I really was.

As a result, this color is a sort of thermometer that allows me to measure my mood. When I am happy and in high spirits, when reaffirming myself is not important and my charm and grace don´t concern me, when I feel strong enough and self-reliant, when I deal with life at ease and I am accepting it with joy... in short when I am well-balanced,  most of my black clothes stay inside my wardrobes. But if the need arises, I know I can always resort to them.

This time I thought I wouldn’t be able to stop wearing them. Talking with my mother a month ago or so, I mentioned this to her and she guaranteed me that the joy would be back now and again, even after her time to leave me come (she said). Her argument was plain and convincing: not one person would have survived if this were not true. I knew she was right (she had to confront the death of her husband, her mother, a sister and a brother apart from many other emotional losses within five years), so I prepared myself to wait.

As my mother predicted, joy is returning to my life little by little this spring. And so calm and acceptance are doing. When a week ago, I was a bit reluctant to wear black, I knew that it was the definitive sign of readjustment I had been waiting for. I still don´t feel like wearing very spring-like outfits, I still need black to go out there... specially to work, but when I go for a relaxed walk or while I am quiet at home with my journals I choose vibrancy. I choose faith. I choose hope.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 558

50

As you may already know it was my 50th birthday past week. As the days have  passed I have started to feel the urge to make a sort of assessment but I was no able to find an appropriate approach.

Finally, this morning I came up with this. They are just fifty random (and immaterial) things that happened to me along my first fifty years of life. They are not logically organized. They don´t summarize all my experiences, either or narrate a complete or coherent story, they are not even the most important or interesting, but they are for sure, some of the more decisive.

 They can seem recent facts or achievements, but they are not because even when I have faced some of them along the last decade they have been present in my life –some way or another- since my earlier years. Indeed I truly believe that this birthday is also a turning point as I have completed and closed many pending things from the past. I hope so. I celebrate it.


1. I have learnt how to deal with my feelings

2. I suffered and have overcome suffering

3. I understood the great importance of setting boundaries

4. I have learnt to love myself to love another

5. I stopped abuse and I liberated myself

6. I healed my past

7. I have developed a personal practice based on spirituality

8. I accepted guidance and asked for what I need

9. I have prayed a lot

10. I made contact with my inner power

11. I have tried to embrace my demons (keep trying)

12. I gave thanks to those tyrants in my life and I am letting them go

13. I have learnt how to live in the present, day after day (even when sometimes I am tempted to give up)

14. I understood that baby steps counts

15. I´ve been wrong about many things

16. I have had to accept the mind-body connections

17. I acknowledged that perfectionism is a way to run away (I am now a recovering perfectionist)

18. I made decisions and then, I forgot them and had to start again but this showed me how to live in process

19. I have forgiven myself for my weaknesses and my naivety and for handing over my own power

20. I understood why I should trust

21. I decided to restore a healthy sense of self

22. I have listened and been listened

23. I have questioned my conditionings

24. I discovered the allure of ordinary things

25. I have had to apologized and this taught me humbleness

26. I have appreciated everydayness almost every single day

27. I have tried to help as much as I can and have been helped a lot

28. I started to run after light

29. I resolved to cultivate mindfulness

30. One day I decided to rely on my soul don´t know exactly how or why

31. I started to consider myself a survivor, nor a victim

32. I have accepted that teaching is the voice of my soul

33. I started to practice authenticity and pay the consequences (all positive in the medium term)

34. I have cherished memories and mementos

35. I am trying to keep my journey (and my inner work) no matter what people said

36. I have laughed

37. I have dreamt a bit (maybe not as much as I have would liked)

38. I have –little by little- spread my wings

39. I have appreciated both calm and storm (I have gotten no choice!)

40. I expected miracles and miracles happened

41. I have loved (and being loved) much

42. I have created so many things… including life that is meaningful to me

43. I have walked my path with a joyful heart most of the days

44. I am internalizing why is so important to abandon those (both circumstances or persons) that try to invalidate me and I am exerting myself to act accordingly

45. I have had great masters

46. I have been arrogant and stubborn. It took me so much to bow down to my destiny, to love this life of mine as it is, but I am learning to do it

47. I have met kindred souls

48. I have learned to hear the messages of the spirit

49. I am realizing that I have to tame my ego if I want to be happy

50. I have come to understand that finally everything had to be exactly as it was

DAY 365+130

notes to the child I was

Long ago the inner self was close to the surface and inner wisdom -the kind of wisdom we all have inside- reigned supreme. Life was easier because of the feeling of being part of something bigger and wonderful and somehow divine. But little by little that wisdom (who came from many lives of learning) started to be hidden under layers and layers of fears and the resulting conditionings. It started to be forgotten because the wisdom was too big and the brain too young and inexperienced. And also because in order to be improved, that wisdom must be revisited, recreated, and it must be put to the test.

Without it, life seemed incomprehensible and many of the strategies that were developed in order to survive were hurtful too. Some of them were effective but damaged you deeply and helped to create a fortress where the true self remained captive. This created a sort of dissociated identities: one was outside, one was inside.

As you grow up, this situation prevented you from feeling at ease with yourself but also lead you to look for answers and new options making you evolve till becoming the person you´re (I am) today who has being able to heal the wounds, to achieve dreams and to explore acceptance, respect and love.

I think you would be proud of that person. She is recovering your naivety, your sweetness; she is learning to forgive on your behalf and to vindicate your beauty. Now she knows, what you always knew: she is destined for being happy and developing a soul´s journey.

She has managed to break the wall between inside and outside. Little by little a tiny aperture is appearing, the outer self is going inside and is taking ownership of the internal room, and the inner self is going outside and is learning to be visible. Integration is occurring.

I think you would like to know that. Now you can rest and smile and play, forget the pain and feel finally safe.


I am still updating my self-portraits page, you can see them here

DAY 365+117

in a bird´s eye view

From above things can be a bit different. 
What seemed big, ends up being not so big.
What seemed isolated is connected. 
What seemed relevant is fleeting. 
What seemed the whole world is only a little isle. 
And what seemed eternal is already dying. 

From above proud and vanity and fear 
are tiny or not so impressive 
and so, our defects are 
and what we think is imperfect 
and our demands… 
but our light shines even brighter. 

Perspective changes perception, distance (literal and metaphorically) gives some wisdom 
and favors gratitude: 

I am so thankful today for having a body that allows me to enjoy this experience that we call life, eyes to see and mouth to smile.


PS: I am starting also another self-portraiture journey throughout October. You can see the photos here

DAY 365+114

I am starting

to retrace what I walked, 
to unlearn what I learnt, 
to forget what I was determined to remember,
to regain what I lost,
to overcome what marked me, 
to understand what has no explanation, 
to welcome what before I found awkward,
to forgive what I thought I would never forgive, 
to honor what I have lived.

I am starting to untangle what has been knotted with much tenderness, just to go back to myself: 

the place that I shouldn´t have left

PS: I am starting also another self-portraiture journey throughout October. You can see the photos here

DAY 365+103

I am right here

Open spaces 

Open heart

Open arms

Open eyes

My mind feels released

My soul flies gaining heights without any concern

playing with the wind while goes back to the day when everything started

when the journey commenced

and shows me the master plan that has led me here

to the inner place where acceptance dwells

where bliss is chasing me

where I realize that nothing has to be mended and I can fully embrace my life

where I feel that I can be the person I really am

This is the last installment of my BYOB class. It has been an wonderful journey, that I am planning to extend somehow along the next months. I knew that this year was meant to practice self-love and this class has been an amazing turning point that has helped me to do it in regular basis, so I don´t want to stop now. I have created a blog page to upload all these photos and those which I´ll take in the future. You can see it here: http://myhealingmoments.blogspot.com.es/p/blog-page.html 

I want to thank all those who have supported me throughout it, in particular my class mates and our teacher.

DAY 365+101

stray wisdom

Sometimes my feet know what my mind ignores and lead me to places where the answer to my thoughts and prayers is awaiting in the form of a visual treat, or a song, or a sudden smile.

This triggers little epiphanies, new sequences of connections that defy logic, but paradoxically make sense and often, make me awaken to a kinder mood. I guess that my inner being (who seems to have a rationality of its own) manages to inform me about the right direction when I am unwilling to listen. 

One day that I was totally overwhelmed by working and family issues, they led me to a shop that was selling this signal. Now it "lives" with me. Time has proved it to be true.

When I look back, I can see that those things that I thought were problems, actually were blessings in disguise:

The students that I shouldn´t have guided because they were taking another practice program, ended up being those who took more advantage of my teachings and have appreciated them more

The little disputes between my mom´s caregivers which bothered me so much, have showed that some of them were not reliable

The lack of support from most of my coworkers, have made me see the true nature of our relationship clear as water

The new atmosphere that the economic crisis is creating at university, is helping me to set new priorities and new boundaries

And all this have made me realize the true impact of my inner work on my life and the great importance of being centered and focused on me, not in a selfish way but in a healthy way

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever found answers in unexpected places?

DAY 365+100

"Contemplation is the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things"

Thomas Merton

DAY 365+99

deep inside me...

there is a tiny space 

a little place where clarity reigns

from where light emanates

a place that radiates calm

and wisdom

and beauty

and truth

It´s far and near

It´s a place where the entire universe resides

which is within me and also within you.

I´ve had to get acquainted with that place

I´ve had to explore, fit out and defend it,

I´ve had to occupy it

and only then,

only then,

life has started to make sense to me.

Today, I vindicate

and honor that place

DAY 365+98

this is the place where I belong

Volcanic rocks, hard lightaridity, loneliness, bare beauty
lack of ornaments...
just the vast sea of lava.


Here and there a green spot reminds how the life reveals itself in other placesbut not here, not here.
Life here is made of salt, wind and sand
no trees, no big mountains, no rivers
no shades...
just a merciless sun
ridges and curves
and, far away, the ocean. 


After a quarter of century or moreI am walking here again:
the wind blows
and the sun is setting
my feets remember how to jump from one rock to another
my eyes get loss in the hues of black
my heart makes a little dance
and I breathe deeply, once and again.


I remember how naive I still was the last time I walked about this solidified magmaand realize that the naivety and the old joy of vivre
the hope and the confidence
are still with me and are awakening while I contemplate my old friend, the volcano
and feel how the old pain starts to be the propelling force that will lead me to an even better place.

Why we need to stay away from some places when we feel injured, I don´t know.
Why we distance ourselves from the places (or activities) that have nourished us previously, I don´t know.
Why we punish ourselves when other person does the same, I don´t know.
Why it takes us so much time to start to take care of ourselves, I don´t know.

This doesn´t even matter, maybe. Here I am again and I feel welcome.


I took this photo in the volcano which is in front of my mom´s house. I decided to go there for a photo-walk and invited my nephew without thinking very much... and suddenly all these feelings emerged.

Cross-posted at Vision and Verb on Friday. Many other women share their passion for creativity and words there, please visit us, it is a wonderful site

There you will find also a Card Shoppe. For every greeting card sold, the profit will accrue in allotments of $25 each to be given as loans to men and women around the world who are starting their own businesses. We have chosen the non-profit organization KIVA as the conduit for our giving back

You can send a love note to a friend and make a difference in the world

DAY 365+97

I am not going to search for your ideal perfection anymore. It´s a deception

From now on, I am only going to see miracles around me 

and inside me

I am going to experience amazement

I am going to let go preconceived ideas about beauty,

about life, about myself

I am determined to cultivate gratitude

I am going to accept what is, not to regret or reject

I am going to live

I am going to celebrate my gifts and talents

I don´t want to fight anymore against myself

I want to play and laugh and love

I want to trust my life

I want to improve myself by embracing the power of what I really am

If you can help me to do this with much love, stay,

if not, set me free

I am sorry, it´s not you, it´s me

Kind Regards

Z.

DAY 365+96

there is a happy medium 
between 

Pleasing others and selfishness

Extreme need of excellence and inefficiency

Rigidness about one´s beliefs and lack of opinion

Focusing on achievement and giving up one´s dreams and goals

Endless self-criticism and blindness

Constancy and lack of willpower

Tolerance to frustration and indolence

Impatience and apathy

Obsessive concerns and carelessness

Need of approval and arrogance

Improvement of oneself through self-knowledge and looking always outside

Self-demanding attitude and self-indulgence

Motivation and the loss of hope

...A happy medium where I can feel simply at ease

Indeed I have found it between the past and the future, between my mind and my heart, between earth and heaven

It is a place where nothing has to be repaired because nothing is defective, where one can take ownership of one´s own life without fear

DAY 365+95

Why don´t dream of it all? (playing with reveries)

I have started a self-portrait journey again  and I am taking an on-line class. At the same time I am trying to reinforce my daily practice and to reconnect with my old passion for drawing and to practice self-love and self-respect. Past week I thought that this was too much, and saw August as a big desert filled with self-demands

After a few breathes (and some reflections), this morning I realized that this thoughts were a sort of self-sabotage because deep inside I think I don´t deserve so much attention, I shouldn´t devote so much time to myself, I shouldn´t dream big...

But after debating between all those ideas, I said to myself, "Wait. Why I can´t dream of having it all, of being whoever I want to be... who is preventing me from being free?. I took my camera and faced up a self-portrait challenge that I was postponing (be playful, something that I think I am not). I took my pencils and drew. I came here and wrote the following list inspired by this amazing post. Please follow the link, you´ll enjoy it.

I want to be serious and responsible
I want to be playful and have not a care in this world

I want to be a Zen monk and master the art of meditation
I want to walk by the red carpet (at least once)

I want to travel abroad and be part of an humanitarian project
I want to stay at home and read all day long

I want to have a garden and make grow my own vegetables
I want to live in a city and to plant herbs in pots

I want to fly to the Antarctic and get lost there
I want to fly to the isle where I was born and living with my mom forever

I want to teach every day of my life
I want to own a little library or a tea shop

I want to go to Tahiti
I want to live in Italy for a year (or more)

I want to study and learn more
I want to be peaceful and know that I am enough

I want to be romantic, careless, passionate, bohemian
I want to be predictable, analytic, logic, sensible

I want to sleep outside and count the stars
I want to go to bed at home and kiss my cats goodnight

I want to have a balanced diet
I want to eat sandwiches, drink tea and don´t have a meal timetable

I want to go around the world with my husband and have a nomad existence
I want to be with my mother during her last day

I want to have my dark hair forever
I want to let my gray hair grow and don´t tint it anymore

I want to have a minimalist house
I want to have shabby furniture and mementos everywhere

I want to visit Auschwitz
I want to forget all the suffering

I want to believe that my story counts
I want not to be defined by my story

I want to be extravert and sociable and be the soul of the parties
I want to keep being introvert and reflective

I want to run a marathon
I want to stay at home and write my journals and draw

I want to have time to do all these things
I want to be happy being where I am

I want to be myself
I want to be every tiny “me” that I know still live inside me

DAY 365+94

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark,
 in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours"

Ayn Rand


I am starting again a self-portrait journey. I´ll talk about it.
Happy Week, dear friends.
Z.

DAY 365+84

invictus

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

William Ernest Henley 

Thinking of (and praying for) Nelson Mandela, today

DAY 365+83

me (an updated list)

introvert but not shy
teacher by profession (and by vocation)
perfectionist who is learning acceptance
lover of details

unpunctual
achievement oriented
advocate of the connection between all things, beings and events
accidental academic with a creative nature

increasingly convinced that I have to focus on the bright side of things
prone to anger
learning to be visible
stubborn when not centered

joyful
amateur photographer
sensitive (and sometimes even hyper-sensitive)
believer of the healing power of art, prayers and silence

exploring my inner world through the spiritual practice
setting boundaries
learning respect (and self-respect)
professing the belief in kindness and compassion

starting to be less rigid
in favor of authenticity
cat person
grateful

cultivating mindfulness and serenity
looking for ways to love myself more (much more)
letting go preconceived ideas about life and happiness
in search of clarity

no expecting approval anymore
devotee of reading (and writing)
tenacious
tidy but not very organized

embracing my gifts and universe guidance
trying to reach peace through the little things
analytic with a bohemian heart
paying attention to my soul voice

passionate (and a bit obsessive from time to time)
procrastinator
currently celebrating the beauty of my path (my own beauty)
and perhaps, finally satisfied, appeased

DAY 365+67

"Practice can be stated very simply. 
It is moving from a life of hurting myself and others to a life of not hurting myself and others. That seems so simple-except when we substitute for real practice some idea that we should be different or better than we are, or that our lives should be different from the way they are. When we substitute our ideas about what should be (such notions as "I should not be angry or confused or unwilling") for our life as it truly is, then we're off base and our practice is barren."

Charlotte Joko Beck

DAY 365+36

being here and now,
not anywhere else
is not an abdication
is taking possession of our life by accepting that there is no need to change anything
it is a chance to define again beauty, perfection and joy

being here and now,
not anywhere else
is something that takes courage
and a kind of wise naivety
and honesty
and patience

being here and now,
not anywhere else
demands attention
and mastering the art of focusing on the present
leaving aside all our prejudices

Dexterity only comes with practice
but it is worth the effort
because this is the best method to find the way into ourselves

DAY 365+31

seven letters, 365 days

I find really captivating choosing one word for the year. Indeed I´ve been doing such thing along the past six years or so and I´ve loved the results. Even when I write also some resolutions, having a word is wonderful because it works like a filter through which I can analyze the experiences of the year or make some of them come to light 

My word for 2013 is respect

This year I want my relationships with others living beings, with myself and with my context to be much more respectful in a balanced sense of the word

I´ll try not to criticize or censure others behaviors and I am not going to bring them out of the consequences of their acts. I´ll let them live their own process

I´ll try to consider others diversity, without giving up my own difference

I´ll show an attitude of esteem towards others feelings, but without forgetting my own sentiments

I´ll try not to permit any behavior that enables abuse to continues in my family or my work, not by changing others,  but by changing myself and my levels of tolerance

I´ll set steady and healthy boundaries 

I´ll  honor my own needs, my own perspectives, my own wishes and dreams. I am not going to pass them over, because I am too busy taking care of any other person, except of me 

I´ll  honor my own truth. I am not going to hide it or sweetened it because I yearn for others approval. Indeed, I am not going to look for it anymore

I´ll  pay proper attention to what happens around me and inside me: I´ll try to stay connected to nature cycles, hear universe messages, be kind to my body, stay true to my values and follow my soul´s call

I´ll try not to permit anything that could damage my self-confidence in any way and I´ll cultivate self-respect


Note: This is the final installment of my self portrait challenge, 48 selfies over 12 months. I will talk about this journey soon. If you want to see them all follow this link