DAY 610

with gratitude

As this year comes to an end, I start to feel the need to review what it has given to  me, what I have learnt, what I have lost or accepted. However, as usual, my first step will be acknowledging what I am thankful for ... and there is not a  better day than today to begin to count my blessings, my little epiphanies, the small (or big) miracles that continue to occur in my life and the countless gifts.

I didn't grow up with this tradition of sharing what makes me feel gratitude although it is part of our Christian culture giving thanks to God for the good (and not so good) things, but this healing journey has made me embrace the idea of honoring my life through gratitude all year round and also in predetermined dates.

So here I am, ready for my own, personal, thanksgiving. No turkey or any other celebration, just this simple post as expression of gratitude.  To be honest, at this precise moment I have a huge list of things which I am grateful for, but if I had to mention just a few, I would choose the following:

- I am grateful for the person I have become. Sometimes, wind didn't seem to be blowing in the right direccion, but I have managed to arrive to a safe port where I can be the person I always knew I was aimed at being. This year I feel  this to be true more than ever before, and also I have the strong conviction that I am finally shinning with my own light

- I am grateful for my determination to be who I am, and for all the things that have come to meet me along 2016: for the clarity, the will, the boundaries and the authenticity, for my roots and my wings

- I am grateful for the incredible support that I have received from persons that I didn't even know a few years ago and now I call friends. It has made me realize the importance of what I have to offer to this world. And I am also thankful for all the persons (friends or not)  that along this year have reached me to whisper some way or another, "you are good enough"

- I am grateful for having listened my own inner voice and for defending my criteria in so many areas of my life along this year, either the professional life, the way I teach my student, my options at university or the decisions I have made regarding my mother's welfare, my relatioships, my creativity or my personal growing. I know this has helped me to build the life I truly want, that which made sense to my true essence

- I am grateful for this precious life of mine, because even with its ups and down, it is interesting and filled with love, kindness and dreams, and because I now feel that I have learnt to trust it fully

- And last -but not least- I am grateful for this tiny spot in the universe. And for all you.

Much Love dear friends and Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it,


Z. 

DAY 522

it has gone

   One day one wakes up and feels that something has changed.

It is just an ordinary day:

the same house, the same walls, the same cracked sheets of glass in the windows; 

the same shaky doors,

the same old self still expectant...

But something in the quality of light, in the peace of the air, in a defiant gaze or a daring gesture shows that something has been moved.

Something has been closed,

something has been finished,

something has been overcome:

a moment, a season or cycle;

a story, a phase or a mission,

a mistaken belief,

an antique mindset;

an age that was brief

or has lasted too much.

Old patterns has been stored, 

the soul has been restored to its place,

all the grief has come to its end,

all tears has been shed already.

It´s time to conclude.

No more regrets,

no more mourning.

The wounds have been honored,

the healing is on the way.

It´s time to let go the past.


Goodbye.
End of the story.


PS: These photos were taken at an art installation. The artist (José Herrera) used an old uninhabited house and told a story about light, silence and solitude. He created something quite interesting and somehow perturbing. I visited it on Wednesday with two good girl friends and while I was going over the photos, I suddenly came up with the previous text...

DAY 520

about readings and flowers

When I was much younger I read about the nature of time. Maybe this is one of the most universal concerns of human beings, so I know I am not the only one.

I read that ancient Egyptians thought they would live eternally as long as they were remembered while ancient Greeks made a difference between chronological and eternal time, the propitious time to approach challenges:chronos and kairos.

I read: there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens (Yes! Ecclesiastes), about how eternal life would be in various paradises and about the eternal return according to which the whole universe -including us- had been recurring and will continue to recur an infinite number of times.

I read that most schools of Buddhism believe that the way we experience time -as moving from past to present and future- is just an illusion. I tried also to understand time from the perspective of physics with not much success, I must say.

And I even remember reading why different cultures have different graphical representations of time: we -the occidental persons- are prone to think that past is behind us and the future in front of us, but many other persons live looking at their past -tradition, legacy of ancient generations etc.- and feel that the future is chasing them and not always for good.

But knowing those arguments didn´t make me feel at ease with this issue. Intellectually, I could understand what all this meant but I couldn´t stop thinking of the injustice of this existence.

The idea of death and time passing and loss tormented me and made me feel gripped by dread. As most of human beings when thinking doesn´t work, I struggled against this searching for new goals and challenges, rushing ahead with things but fear was always chasing me.

While I was trying to escape from my anguish, years came and went. A half of my life has passed by my side and I have come to understand that the only reason to be here is simply being here being me.

I am not here to conquer any other thing (or person) except myself

I am not here to win anything except the privilege of being myself

I am not here to demonstrate nothing to anyone except to myself

I am not here to please anyone except myself

I am not here to be true to any idea (or person) except to myself

I am not here to learn nothing except how to be myself and love others while they try to be themselves

There are not a reason why I should be here, nor a justification or an explanation except being here, do every single day what I have to do in order to explore the vast territory of myself and contribute to this world being who I really am. There not a purpose except being present in this unique life and find new ways to show up my authentic self. And that is the only thing I (we all) must do.

From this point of view all I have read makes sense. The nature of this life –with its sorrows and joys- makes sense: the now becomes eternity.

We are all inevitably involved in this amazing matter called life because we all are flowers blooming in a blooming universe, as Soen Nakagawa so poetically stated… either if we know it, or not (but feels better when we are aware of it).

Cross-posted at Vision and Verb on Wednesday. Many other women share their passion for creativity and words there, please visit us, it is a wonderful site 

There you will find also a Card Shoppe. For every greeting card sold, the profit will accrue in allotments of $25 each to be given as loans to men and women around the world who are starting their own businesses. We have chosen the non-profit organization KIVA as the conduit for our giving back 

You can send a love note to a friend and make a difference in the world

DAY 365+134

new beginnings

"Sometimes when you think you are done, it is just the edge of beginning. Probably that's why we decide we're done. It's getting too scary. We are touching down onto something real. It is beyond the point when you think you are done that often something strong comes out."

Natalie Goldberg


Dear friends since 2013 was ending and once 2014 has started I have been feeling the urge to change things here, in my blog. I think this has to do with many different things and is the reason why I´ve been less active lately.

The way I deal with everydayness at this moment is creating also, a new way to deal with my inner work and my daily practice (or maybe vice versa) and I feel that something new is emerging... a sort of new stage. Regardless of my tiredness (I´ve  had so many commitments to face up along the past year) my mood has suffered a dramatic alteration (in the most positive sense of both words) and I want this blog to reflect the person I am right now. 

 It all became clear when I thought about my new year resolutions and I realized that I felt blocked because I wanted to create a new way to think about my future. I am still giving shape to these ideas and trying to figure out how to put this vision into a visible and feasible format but I will do it. This will take me a bit of time, but it´s something I am determined to do.

I think this will be a fresh start that will help me to keep this new (and somehow surprising) sense of renovation, whose meaning will be explained, but not today.  

I´ll keep you updated. I have so many new things to share, I can´t wait to do it!!

Hope this new year is treating you well and will continue to do it throughout the months ahead.

Much Love

Z.

DAY 365+130

notes to the child I was

Long ago the inner self was close to the surface and inner wisdom -the kind of wisdom we all have inside- reigned supreme. Life was easier because of the feeling of being part of something bigger and wonderful and somehow divine. But little by little that wisdom (who came from many lives of learning) started to be hidden under layers and layers of fears and the resulting conditionings. It started to be forgotten because the wisdom was too big and the brain too young and inexperienced. And also because in order to be improved, that wisdom must be revisited, recreated, and it must be put to the test.

Without it, life seemed incomprehensible and many of the strategies that were developed in order to survive were hurtful too. Some of them were effective but damaged you deeply and helped to create a fortress where the true self remained captive. This created a sort of dissociated identities: one was outside, one was inside.

As you grow up, this situation prevented you from feeling at ease with yourself but also lead you to look for answers and new options making you evolve till becoming the person you´re (I am) today who has being able to heal the wounds, to achieve dreams and to explore acceptance, respect and love.

I think you would be proud of that person. She is recovering your naivety, your sweetness; she is learning to forgive on your behalf and to vindicate your beauty. Now she knows, what you always knew: she is destined for being happy and developing a soul´s journey.

She has managed to break the wall between inside and outside. Little by little a tiny aperture is appearing, the outer self is going inside and is taking ownership of the internal room, and the inner self is going outside and is learning to be visible. Integration is occurring.

I think you would like to know that. Now you can rest and smile and play, forget the pain and feel finally safe.


I am still updating my self-portraits page, you can see them here

DAY 365+108

Origins

My body can come from earth 
and to earth shall return.

My rational brain seems to be grounded in it too,
 always calling for rational answers. 

Even my heart, the axis of my emotions, has a mundane reminiscence, 
focused in my temporal identity 
and its obsessions. 

Maybe there is also something terrestrial in my personality,
my steady willpower in constant search for new goals, 
new challenges, 
new responsibilities. 

And what can I say about my so very human resistance
and my silent and conventional passions?. 

They all can be associated with qualities of heaviness, 
with matter. 

In fact, they are dust
and to dust shall return. 

But my soul,
oh!, my soul belongs to the wind, 
to the ethereal reigns of eternity. 

My adventurous soul has wings
and moves freely 
and explores. 

It comes from the air,
from the core of the energy -the spirit- that creates the universe 
and to the air shall return.

DAY 365+104

exuberant aridity

why should we escape from contradictions,

assign tags,

try to define happiness?

Everything can happen

Everything is possible

As nature conquers the most unexpected spaces,

as the gorse broke the lava rocks and awaits flowering,

I have conquered my own territory

broken my resistance

and finally from the wounds, the blooms are emerging

wildly alive

DAY 365+99

deep inside me...

there is a tiny space 

a little place where clarity reigns

from where light emanates

a place that radiates calm

and wisdom

and beauty

and truth

It´s far and near

It´s a place where the entire universe resides

which is within me and also within you.

I´ve had to get acquainted with that place

I´ve had to explore, fit out and defend it,

I´ve had to occupy it

and only then,

only then,

life has started to make sense to me.

Today, I vindicate

and honor that place

DAY 365+89

catharsis

Lately I´ve been haunted by this word and every time my thoughts lose their way because I am too tired or when I consciously try to slow them down, they end up clinging to it. Indeed, it has become a recurring sound in the back of my mind for the last three weeks or so. And while this has been occurring, I have felt that it has been also resounded throughout my soul 

It´s a pretty unusual and impressively beautiful word, I´ve been to busy (and a bit exhausted) so I have let it fly freely inside me without trying to catch it, without trying to analyze what´s the reason why it was chasing me 

But his morning I´ve felt the urge to explore this word in detail and examine what was moving -emotionally speaking- inside me. As you may know it comes from a Greek word (to purge or purify) and one of its meaning is the bringing of repressed ideas or experiences into consciousness, thus relieving tensions 

Considering the direction that my inner journey is taking in particular, since last summer, this makes sense to me. In fact, this is what has been happening along past years: repressed ideas and -I would add- a sort of unknown inner wisdom have been coming to light and they are making me feel a nimbleness while dealing with life issues that I have never encountered before

I have awakened to a new understanding of the experiences that come to meet me. This makes me able to go beyond their outward appearances, beyond the borders of my mind frames, beyond all possible. This makes me able to consider new variables and connections, new motives and reasons because now I am starting to see myself as a tiny part of a vast universe (which can be the universe itself) and not as an observer

However, from time to time (or more often, to be honest) I don´t fully embrace this vision and I am imprisoned by my old judgment and prejudices and I am seized with fear

Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of future, fear of moving forward, fear of change, fear of life

When this happens there is always something that brings me back to my path: Reminders of how much I have advanced already. Little epiphanies that make me get in touch with my inner self again. Unexpected gifts. Little glimpses of what can be waiting for me...

A word that wanders around creating a deep resonance with my soul till I listen to it, till I come here and recover the sense of peace, till I come here and re-establish good relations with my own process and I am ready to own my inner power again

DAY 365+70

when life calls for something more than taxonomy 

I´d been yearning for taking some photos in the forest for a while now, but for some reason or another I didn´t do it  till past Sunday

I arrived there and went deep into intricate scenery and walk slowly following winding (and almost invisible) paths. The light was hazy, filtered through the leaves above, and was creating stunning patterns that often seemed pieces of filigree. But what really caught my eye were the lichens developed on the surfaces of branches and trunks. They were growing anarchical here and there, silently conquering the superficies of the trees, tenaciously, showing their unusual and peculiar charm

While I was walking I was trying to discern what I knew about these amazing creatures, but I only could remember that they are formed by the symbiotic association of a fungus and an alga. I wondered why I couldn´t remember why algae can be found  in moist ground and not only in salty water  and many other things, but I had not answer

I was there, surrounding by trees, trying to go through my memories, and then, their beauty brought about a miracle: the temporary cessation of mind´s opinions and judgments. I forgot that I was concerned by the nature of lichens and I was overcome with joy after starting to look thoroughly what was outside and abandoning the confusing passages of my thoughts

Little by little I started to keep in step with the peaceful energy that was carried gently on the air. And I felt, once again, how easy is to conform to our own inner nature (to be centered) when we are focused on the now

All my life I have wanted to know more about things, to understand why they occur. I have had the desire to categorize them, the desire to find some order

All my life I have thought that recognizing things, naming them, would help me to face up reality in a better way. All my life I have believed that studying in depth roots, causes, reasons, components... would help me to take them apart, to understand the influence of some events on me and even to bring up the circle of pain

All my life I have defended that change and appreciation comes from knowledge

But since I have started this journey I have realized that this is only true at some level 

Sometimes, knowledge doesn´t make any difference

Sometimes, our wish for understanding makes some attitudes (like forgiveness or gratitude) much more difficult

Sometimes, even when it can provide us with significant information, what matters is what we are going to do with it, how we are going to manage it to increase our consciousness. Knowledge itself is useless in order to have a more fulfilled life

Even when my analytic side is reluctant to write this, I have to admit that there is a wisdom inside me that doesn´t come from the logical reasoning of my mind, maybe because this is only one of the ways to deal with my experience here 

Maybe because there are many more ways to do it

I can think about it, of course. I can analyze it and I can unravel it. But I also can explore it, deconstruct it, enjoy it. I can co-create it, accept it, bless it, embrace it. I can appreciate it

...I can -even- simply live it

Walk and Click Wednesday

DAY 365+66

come and sit here with me

I hadn´t remembered that April would bring the flowering of the beautiful jacaranda trees till I saw wonderful mauve carpets covering lanes and roads 

I´ve arrived to this seat while I was wandering with my camera, 
walking on layers and layers of aromatic flowers, 
trying not to step on them if not necessary
 
It´s the same bench I have seen so many times, yet different

This is a quiet and beautiful place, 
the smell is dense and sweet, 
the earth is still damp due to spring´s downpours 
and the fallen tree leafs of fichus gleam like gold 

The light still shines even when it´s late in the evening and the ivy goes across the soil sinuously

Come and sit here with me. There is a path. Where it will lead us, I am not sure
 
It´s luminous and goes through the scented flowers, the fertile land, the yellowish and withered vegetation and the growing plants 

It´s maybe my path, your path. The path wich goes through our gifts and talents, the territory of life, the compost made by joy and suffering, the fruitful seeds of love... and gets into the unknown territory of contentment

Inhale with me the rich (even voluptuous) air. Inhale with me the spring, the warm light of the end of the day, the patches of color, the smell of an evolving world 

And now exhale with me the pain and the anger, sadness and frustration which the subtle wind will dispel. Exhale with me the story, the past, the lies, the sense of not being enough

 Open your eyes, and you will see, like me, just a what reality offers. You will see, like me, just a little jacaranda flower beautifully illuminated by the latest sun rays

And you will realize, like me, that you simply are in the right place



Walk and Click Wednesday

DAY 365+26

"The saying goes, 'The sage rests, truly rests and is at ease.'
This manifests itself in calmness and detachment, so that worries and distress cannot affect him, nothing unpleasant can disturb him, his Virtue is complete and his spirit is not stirred up." 

Chuang Tzu

After a stormy -yet, plentiful- year, I am finally having a rest. Not because I am doing nothing (physically speaking), but because I am finally relaxed after all the exertion

When many things are proving to be unhelpful this usually means that a change of mind is required. The problem is that we have to create the new mind frames using the old ones and this is complicated, but there is always a turning point where one starts to see clearly what one has to do, a sort of epiphany that show us the correct direction and then, making decisions become much easier

This has happened to me last month. The process of becoming aware of what was occurring in my life by getting in touch with myself (what I call here  my inner work) started long ago, but I have the feeling that I have conquered a new stage that will provide me with a deepest sense of serenity, based on joy, detachment and liberty

I have broken free from what was holding me back. Most of the tough issues have been processed, most of the hardest obstacles have been removed and now I can rest and prepare for a bountiful crop

I feel I am ready to accomplish whatever I dream of
...even when I still am not that wise

DAY 362

inner flowering

The metaphor of the secret garden has been used many times to describe our inner space. It´s meant to remind us that there is always a fragrant and beautiful area inside us that remains in flower the whole year. This is a place where we can go to get inspiration, to have a rest or just to find our true selves. So, in theory, when we go inside we discover  a peaceful landscape where we can calm down ourselves, where our inner dialogue become more gentler and our vision becomes softer and wiser

When outer life is chaotic we usually feel the urge to go inside to take refuge. However this doesn´t mean that we will be able to come across this sweet place. Indeed, many of us have found withered leaves, weeds choking the rosebushes, and impenetrable vegetation preventing the light to come in. We have found contradictory feelings, anger and obsession... 

The reason why this happens is because our inner space is designed as a sort of labyrinth that challenges us to examine our life in detail for the purpose of explanation and interpretation

Our longing for light makes us to come in, but if we run away once we see that problems won´t be  solved automatically, we are not going to experience any advance. In fact, the haven of peace we are looking for is the core of the garden, the place where we meet the divinity inside us, but to reach that place we must move through many other levels and make our work inside them

According to this, the first time we enter this new mood and we feel the need to explore our inner space, we only gain access to the first circle of our garden, the one who is deeply influenced by outer experiences.  We have to stay inside and tidy up this first chamber in order to move forward. You may wonder what kind of "cleaner" should be used. I have no doubt about this: acquiescence, the ability to accept things as they are

Acquiescence will make room for great things to come, but it won´t do it if you are not able to deal with your arrogance and pride: if you want to go over your inner space while using them as a shield, you won´t make any progress. This path is about discovering your power and you won´t do it if you are not able to let go your need to control life, if you are not able to admit truth, if you need to keep your expectations at any cost and you don´t tolerate failures 

It has taken me time to understand this, it has taken me time to realize that this kind of nonresistance was the sword I was looking for, but one I did it  I have started to discover blooming places inside

And calm reigns now where before there was only confusion

DAY 251

live in harmony with yourself and others

Live in harmony with the way you see life and your path

and also, with

the things you did and the things you didn´t do

your open wounds and scars

your memories

your weaknesses and faults

the way you feel every single moment

your longings

your body

your diligent feet that have brought you here

your skilful hands that create and heal

your mind

your heart

the guide of the universe

your inner voice

nature and cycles

love

respect

flowers and bees and every single being

your story

the present moment

life as it is

your talents and gifts

your vision and the true purpose of your staying here

your power

your mistakes

the way people decides to behave and live

uncertainty

doubts

this imperfect instant which is itself just perfect

your changeable moods

light and shadows

tiny steps and long distance races

your spiritual lineage

the footprints of your genes

your roots and your wings

clouds and sun, winds and calm

silence

ordinary things and divine grace

walls and doors

tenderness

and the principles and wishes of your adventurous and wise soul


...make of no resistance, your only religion




here: orchid at my mom´s house

DAY 247

atlas of my soul´s territories


I wanted to break the shell that has been my shield

and go outside and shout and scream

but I didn´t know exactly how to do it


I spoke with my own voice 

but it seemed to be rusty,

my words came out dressed up as silence

and no one seemed to be able to hear me...


I spoke  through the wind´s music,

the subtle movement of a sunflower

and the unknown language of the clouds or ladybugs

but no one seemed to be able to understand me...


I tried to vocalize my sentiments

but were soundless 


I had so many things to say, 

words were exploding inside me

and I felt totally voiceless

but no one seemed to notice it...

maybe because I had many alien talks on loan


And suddenly, I discover shapes, figures and colors

and alphabet, and writing

A new language was born

and it started to tell the stories that should be told


It created complex and intricate worlds where my true self could explore, evolve, even bloom 

and the inner words found a channel to flow,

first secretly,

later on, little by little, more openly

and some people started to listen to me...


It has taken me half a life to arrive here
but I love deeply this place


what I love wednesday: my journey

DAY 242

Today, keep your eyes open to beauty

gentleness and unexpected gifts

Keep your eyes open to small moments, the subtle shades of your everyday life and also to

happy coincidences

tender gestures

friendship

sweet instants of peace

new things

challenges to let yourself slow down

tiny pauses along the day

passion

time to rest

opportunities for inner growth and renewal 

calming diversion

empty spaces in your day where be yourself

ways to go inward and to steady your mind

time with no agenda

activities that bring you joy

little islands of joy in your daily life

your own power

possible moments of prayer and meditation

life of the soul

what make you feel alive

unexpected magic

the meandering flow of events 

love

positive moods

what make you feel connected

and

nests of time that can be inhabited only by you



flower art friday: lavender dream

DAY 237

"Earth teach me to remember
Earth teach me stillness
as the grasses are stilled with light.
Earth teach me suffering
as old stones suffer with memory.
Earth teach me humility
as blossoms are humble with beginning.
Earth teach me caring
as the mother who secures her young.
Earth teach me courage
as the tree which stands alone.
Earth teach me limitation
as the ant which crawls on the ground.
Earth teach me freedom
as the eagle which soars in the sky.
Earth teach me resignation
as the leaves which die in the fall.
Earth teach me regeneration
as the seed which rises in the spring.
Earth teach me to forget myself
as melted snow forgets its life.
Earth teach me to remember kindness
as dry fields weep in the rain"

Ute Tribe

DAY 232

at my own pace

"It's important to be heroic, ambitious, productive, efficient, creative, and progressive, but these qualities don't necessarily nurture the soul. The soul has different concerns, of equal value: downtime for reflection, conversation, and reverie; beauty that is captivating and pleasuring; relatedness to the environs and to people; and any animal's rhythm of rest and activity"

Thomas Moore

DAY 231

trapped into the life to which I belong


trapped in the beauty of everydayness, the slow countdown to my final day and the banality of tiny foolish acts

trapped in my current passions and lasting loves, possibilities, chances, daily concerns and regular obsessions 

trapped in the sweet breath of my body, the unspoken words and the days lived

trapped in sacred spaces and trivial delusions, nostalgia and resentfulness

trapped in my bliss

trapped in the margins of old stories, the sides of helplessness and glimpses of pure joy

trapped in hope and the need of desertion, contradictory emotions, expectations and preconceived ideas

trapped in amazement, dull duties, changes and the vast complexity of acceptation

trapped in darkness and the longing for light, the lack of confidence, open hearts and unexpected generosity

trapped in ridiculous dramas and well-grounded sadness, shades of grey and the red color of anger

trapped in my awareness

trapped in the arms of destiny, the mourning for future sorrows and pains and the endless fields of fear

trapped in tragedies and laughs, no prospects, silence and whispered advices

trapped in misunderstandings and well-intentioned lies, dreams and the old known strictness

trapped in my bended – yet not humbled- willpower and words the maybe don´t mean nothing 


...trapped in the freedom to be myself

DAY 219

praying artlessly


"Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.

Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.

Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.

Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.

Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you."

Pueblo Blessing




wordless wednesday: today I am praying