DAY 569

in {and out} Week 8: Small

Right now, I cannot imagine anything better than being me. When I found out the germ of this idea going round in my head I felt very confused. I had been considering myself a work in progress for so long that I couldn´t understand why suddenly I was flirting with that kind of thoughts.

I was not sure at all about what could it mean, so I contemplated many possible explanations: ego, fear, resistance, negation… you name it, all of them aimed at keeping my perception of who I was: someone who should be improved, but, to tell you the truth, no one worked. Every time I explored one of them, a voice whispered “no, no, no” inside me.

This way, that odd conception started to turn into a conviction that I couldn´t ignore. I tried hard to keep myself from noticing it but it prevailed, and I had to accept the fact that I was starting to feel at ease with the person I was. As soon I permitted this sentiment to grow stronger I realized that I was getting rid of my inner emphasis on “self-improvement” that was simply exhausting. And also, that maybe that´s how a real self-esteem should look like.

I still have fears and doubts and room for enhancement and even the need to fight against the same old things and flaws in my character. I still am prone to perfectionism and to anger. I still feel that there are many things in this planet to grieve about. And more times than I would like to admit, I can´t find an ounce of compassion in my heart. But I have come to understand that all this and all the good that I find in me, belong to the same reality.

I don´t ought to be a never-ending battlefield in order to be able to appreciate myself. And this doesn´t make me more arrogant, conceited or vain, only more self-confident in a very particular way.

I know I am a single, small individual amidst the magnitude of world´s problems, global challenges, my own yearnings and the mysteries of the universe.

I know I am just a single, small piece of the complex puzzle of this moment in human history.

I know I am just a single, small soul looking for her path, trying to know how to live a life on purpose while dealing with the vast meaning of this existence.

I know I am just a single, small ship adrift in the huge flood of time...

And even so, I know I am enough.

Even so, I know I count and act accordingly.


I know I count and act accordingly


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 365+133

after Christmas

I love this time of the year, I love feeling generous and willing to be at ease regardless of past fears and sadness and anger. I experience it as a sort of rebirth every single year (!), maybe because I celebrate my birthday the Christmas Eve, but it is not a facile time to me. It makes me feel easily overwhelmed with expectations about how things could be (yes, I know...).

Latest years I´ve been cultivating a sort of detachment and trying to let go my idea of what a Christmas celebration should be. Not because I think that usual Christmas celebration is not desirable, or beautiful, but because it really doesn´t fit my life circumstances and makes me suffer. According to this I´ve been abandoning complicated preparations, sophisticated meals, crowded meetings, extended family meals, Christmas cards and greeting, expensive presents and shopping.

I am learning to live it as a personal mood that I can experience -and enjoy- inside me, or along with those who share my new perspective. At this moment of my life I am choosing to express what Christmas means to me in a more discreet and unadorned way. Christmas has always been to me a time where I can make a difference, where I can explore consciously the divinity who lives also inside me, what makes me to feel at peace with myself and others, a time to celebrate light, but I have always wanted to stuff my feelings  into the traditional celebration and it hasn´t  worked fairly well. After much pain I accepted that alternative habits could work better but it has taken me time to accept, change and re-create my Christmas.

I am still on the way but this Christmas I have experienced much more peace and happiness than before and this is an excellent indicator. As this is a work in progress, I have not a complete set of instructions, but I would like to share some of the things that are helping me:

Breaking some rules (or most of them)

Cultivating frugality (but not avarice)

Dismissing insane customs (even when they are old and dear to me or my family)

Buying only things that can be useful or are beautiful (or are really surprising)

Practicing mindfulness

Being generous not only with money but with time and love

Keeping a joyful mood

Letting go drama and perfectionism

Looking for wonder (and living it)

Being true to myself and to the way I conceive Christmas

Doing things that I wouldn´t usually do just because the moment demands it (I am not talking about sacrifice, I am talking about being less rigid, more spontaneous)

Giving new meaning to old habits (and keep only what can be meaningful)

Creating new traditions (that can be interwoven with the old one) and new memories

I know this will help me throughout the years ahead to create a kind of celebration that will make my heart and my soul feel pleased, I am so happy to have started this new path!...

Blessing to you all. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas.

DAY 365+123

on the safe side

Our back and our front are our obverse and our reverse and what we choose to show indicates our attitude. 

Here I am, with my back turned to the whole world, facing toward my own path, and not because I am impolite or inconsiderate, but because I need to survive, evolve and emerge and now I know this is the only way I can do such things. 

Here I am, with my back turned to conditionings, other´s criticisms, negative energy, the unfair rules, the polarized thought, the absurd categories, the unjustified pain... and to abuse, and manipulation and lies.

Here I am, facing forward, to the place where the persons who love me know that I´ll dwell, where compassionated support takes place, where confidence can be claimed and wounds mended, where creativity, and faith and joy reinvent themselves every single day.

Here I am…

I am still updating my self-portraits page, you can see them here

DAY 365+122

the wise self

Many things have moved along October inside and outside me. Some circumstances that have been at a standstill along the whole year (or more) seem to be guided into positive channels and are making me see some light at the end of the tunnel.

On the other hand, some old patterns that I´ve been dealing with,  are little by little fading away and I feel that I have been set free. Of course, many things stay the same (some of them for my own good, not all) but even when I face those that I don´t like, I feel a sort of detachment. Anger has almost gone away and I have realized that I am fighting less and am more prone to embrace what comes to meet me. 

All those things together are making me feel much more creative. But also much more balanced, motivated and proactive. And focused. And confident. 

However from time to time I doubt. From time to time I think that maybe there is a hidden catch in this mood. From time to time a whispering voice inside me says:

Who do you think you are? Why do you think you deserve to feel this tranquility? Why do you think you´re good enough to dare to be different, to feel safe, to experience joy? Have you ever thought that maybe you´re neglecting what is really important? And for a moment I feel just a pretender. 

That´s not new, you know. We all have that part of us which maybe trying to protect ourselves or warranting our survival and others approval, ruins our greatness and quite often all the fun. But now that speech only lasts a few seconds, because the wise self that also resides inside me doesn´t remain silent or muttering tremblingly. On the contrary,  It shouts, and claims and vindicates and repeats a tiny mantra aimed at reminding me the kind of person I am (I want to be) now: 

honor your uniqueness


PS: This is my October´s Photo-Heart Connection. I took a photo of the above mentioned phrase that I wrote down in my agenda (almost without noticing it) while I was updating it. I like the way this reminders catch me while I am leafing through it.

DAY 365+121

shared nap

I am learning to rest more and make less. This is being a great challenge to me because planning things, assuming responsibilities and achieving goals is the way I assess my merits. As I am writing this, I am realizing that maybe it makes you think I have an hectic schedule that doesn´t allow me to enjoy things, undertake relaxing activities or devote time to myself. And that´s not true. Sure enough, I have a busy schedule but I also manage to keep on with my job, my inner work, develop creative tasks, or having quality time with my family and friends. It is a matter of priorities. 

I usually find time to do everything I am determined to do, even appreciating the ordinary moments. The secret is simple: I don´t do things that I don´t consider important in a given moment and I don´t stop. In fact, I move from one activity to another following an endless program which is not always explicit (it´s in my mind) and includes many levels, areas and tasks and I have not time to get bored.

Don´t get me wrong, I am an inquisitive and introspective person and once I learned that I have to deal with my self-demanding attitude, this never-ending agenda pleases me and gives me a sense of fulfillment. But even so, I am learning to rest more and make less.

And rest, in this context, means making room for having unplanned moments, moments where I permit myself to be set adrift, following the pace of the day without duties and even without wishes or dreams, without expectations at all. Just listening what life has to tell me, just observing what comes to meet me, the hidden chances… and what is more important, feeling myself and noticing my body and all the sensorial information that I have been ignoring till now.

It is not being that easy. To be honest, it is being tough. However I continue to try it. Let me tell you why:

I find that those “blank moments” -where I don´t check my (real or mental) lists, where I am not concerned about being productive (in de widest and nicest sense of the word), where I only feel challenged to be and breath-  allow all the things I consider sacred to settle down and to be even more present in my life, and this makes me preserve the strength and the focus, feel more grounded and balanced.

So here I am. Learning to rest more and make less. Starting to keep in step with life.

DAY 365+114

I am starting

to retrace what I walked, 
to unlearn what I learnt, 
to forget what I was determined to remember,
to regain what I lost,
to overcome what marked me, 
to understand what has no explanation, 
to welcome what before I found awkward,
to forgive what I thought I would never forgive, 
to honor what I have lived.

I am starting to untangle what has been knotted with much tenderness, just to go back to myself: 

the place that I shouldn´t have left

PS: I am starting also another self-portraiture journey throughout October. You can see the photos here

DAY 365+113

tribute to change

This is my photo-heart connection of September.

This summer I have taken lots of photos outside along with my husband. We have started to share this activity so we have gone to explore with our cameras quite often. On the other hand, I have taken also many self-portraits because I took an on-line class about this subject that gone beyond any of my expectations (see the photos here). Both were delightful ways to develop my passion for photography while carry on with my inner work, but when September arrived I felt the urge to have some quiet time alone with my camera and still subjects. Not only because I needed to focus on this kind of composition where one can play with many variables, or because I needed some contemplative solitude, but also, because I wanted to go deeply into what I had learned. 

What I had done along the summer had given me a better confidence in myself, in my options, in my conception of life and in the way I wanted to express myself;  I was taking pleasure in this new sense of self, feeling that I have never respected (loved) myself this way before and I wanted to try if this was related to photography as well. And so, I did.

I still can remember the day. The light and the tranquil pace of the morning. My sweet disposition. The lack of criticism. And how, after any single click of the camera, I felt pleased with what I was doing, with that moment and -last but not least, although much more unusual- with the person I was.

I have suffered a few minor relapses after that. I have felt again that I am not good enough (I wonder if this is in my blood),  but I truly believe that now I have a new foundation from where I can battle against this. And it is not disappointing me. 

Loving myself a bit more is indeed what people says: the ultimate practice.

DAY 365+95

Why don´t dream of it all? (playing with reveries)

I have started a self-portrait journey again  and I am taking an on-line class. At the same time I am trying to reinforce my daily practice and to reconnect with my old passion for drawing and to practice self-love and self-respect. Past week I thought that this was too much, and saw August as a big desert filled with self-demands

After a few breathes (and some reflections), this morning I realized that this thoughts were a sort of self-sabotage because deep inside I think I don´t deserve so much attention, I shouldn´t devote so much time to myself, I shouldn´t dream big...

But after debating between all those ideas, I said to myself, "Wait. Why I can´t dream of having it all, of being whoever I want to be... who is preventing me from being free?. I took my camera and faced up a self-portrait challenge that I was postponing (be playful, something that I think I am not). I took my pencils and drew. I came here and wrote the following list inspired by this amazing post. Please follow the link, you´ll enjoy it.

I want to be serious and responsible
I want to be playful and have not a care in this world

I want to be a Zen monk and master the art of meditation
I want to walk by the red carpet (at least once)

I want to travel abroad and be part of an humanitarian project
I want to stay at home and read all day long

I want to have a garden and make grow my own vegetables
I want to live in a city and to plant herbs in pots

I want to fly to the Antarctic and get lost there
I want to fly to the isle where I was born and living with my mom forever

I want to teach every day of my life
I want to own a little library or a tea shop

I want to go to Tahiti
I want to live in Italy for a year (or more)

I want to study and learn more
I want to be peaceful and know that I am enough

I want to be romantic, careless, passionate, bohemian
I want to be predictable, analytic, logic, sensible

I want to sleep outside and count the stars
I want to go to bed at home and kiss my cats goodnight

I want to have a balanced diet
I want to eat sandwiches, drink tea and don´t have a meal timetable

I want to go around the world with my husband and have a nomad existence
I want to be with my mother during her last day

I want to have my dark hair forever
I want to let my gray hair grow and don´t tint it anymore

I want to have a minimalist house
I want to have shabby furniture and mementos everywhere

I want to visit Auschwitz
I want to forget all the suffering

I want to believe that my story counts
I want not to be defined by my story

I want to be extravert and sociable and be the soul of the parties
I want to keep being introvert and reflective

I want to run a marathon
I want to stay at home and write my journals and draw

I want to have time to do all these things
I want to be happy being where I am

I want to be myself
I want to be every tiny “me” that I know still live inside me

DAY 365+86

sightless

Past weeks have completely drained my energy. As usual, after the end of the academic course I got sick, not as much as previous years, but I felt like if I was having a bad flu, when indeed I wasn´t. I was just tired 

Now after weeks correcting the papers of my students and doing assessment seminars with them, apart from suffering a persistent hacking cough, my brain seems to be empty and many ideas (in particular those related to summer break) have flown away

The way that university works makes me wonder if this effort is useless. There many things more important (the kind of things which I am not interested in) than teaching. This may sounds paradoxical as I work in a teaching institution, but this is the true. Teaching seems to be a necessary evil so to say, but not something really valuable. Of course, this is not the official speech, but this is what I feel based on what I see around

Indeed, according to my experience, this is a chronic problem of university: there are many experts coexisting there, who are producing knowledge but many of them don´t know how to communicate it or make it relevant. They present information but don´t deal with the teaching-learning process in depth

I decided long ago that I was not going to be that kind of teacher and my students (who are often frustrated) are usually happy with me but when I want to fulfill my external job requirements and my own self-demands, I always end up taking on too much and getting sick. On the other hand, when I try to opt for some of them, this makes me feel sicker, if possible and not that efficient

The thing is that according to university I have to teach, research, write and publish, be part of the organization and deal with management tasks, be part of the community, study new skills etc. and according to myself, I have to develop my classes and treat my students in a very specific way, which involves almost exclusive dedication, but most of the times I find difficult to be responsible and true to myself and stay centered and present in the rest of my life

I am not complaining, I know many other teachers that are facing the same dilemma than me and anyway I am acting accordingly my beliefs but from time to time, I think that maybe I should try to find a happy medium

This issue has become more relevant to me since I am developing this inner journey because it is about balance, but also about authenticity , faithfulness to my own vision and acceptance. When I published the final acts of my students a week ago or so, I had the feeling that I have to examine in detail my attitudes and refine my behaviors

Right now I have doubts about my motivations, the appropriateness of my decisions, the impact of them on my professional life, about the way I use my time, the goals and boundaries that I am setting. I feel that I don´t fit properly in the place where I work, I feel alone. I feel abandoned and even misunderstood and invisible. I am not clear about what is really happening, but I have realized that I´ve been blind to many facts that are affecting me deeply

I am a teacher at heart and this won´t never change. But it´s time to re-think , to re-build, to re-arrange… it´s time to reclaim my place and vindicate myself

DAY 365+76

this place

So here I am again, in this same place , after a busy, exhausting and stormy week 

Here I am, alone, trying to clear my mind and bring back some peace to my heart, to soften the ridges of my thoughts that are revolving the same issues, trying to calm down my anger, to let go my disappointments... and to recover serenity

Here I am, alone, in this same place metaphorically (and literally) speaking

Here I am, alone, in this place of inner bewilderment. I would have said -just a week ago- that I am too old already to feel perplex, maybe not too old to feel wounded, but too old to feel puzzled. I would have said that nothing about human behavior could take me by surprise after all the things I have lived myself, after all the things I have read and listened. Oh, how naive!. Indeed, after a week of meetings with my co-workers aimed at arrange next academic course, I am totally amazed (and believe me, not in the best sense of the word) 

I am also annoyed and a bit distressed. This is not so strange; those meetings usually have that effect on my mood. But this huge astonishment is new, maybe because we have reached new (and unbelievable) levels of verbal and psychological aggression

Here I am, trying to find out the reasons why we have reached that point. Trying to persuade myself to keep the faith in what I do (in teaching) regardless those battles... but is not easy

Here I am, alone, in this place of self-purification. Trying to cleanse my soul, trying to purge the ire, to filter the waste of acrimony that past week has left inside me. Here I am, in this place of self-acknowledgement. Trying to pull out by the roots the "should" and the "could", even when a little voice inside me is wondering how I am going to survive and keep my professional dignity without them

Here I am, alone, in this place of self-confession. Trying to figure out how I am going to deal with these new evidences of indifference and where is the subtle distinction between acceptance and becoming myself an indifferent person

Here I am, inhaling peace, exhaling sadness; inhaling hope, exhaling failed expectations; inhaling clarity, exhaling frustration

Finally, answers come: 

If you are not doing (or experiencing) what you want, then learn to want what you´re doing (or experiencing) and all the things this involves, except when by trying this your essence ends up damaged, when this causes your soul pain. You don´t need to want what breaks your wings and ruins your gifts. You don´t need to want what scares away your bliss

Loving what is really means get real about life and yourself, means learning the lessons and trying to get ahead if necessary, it doesn´t mean delighting in suffering or coming to a standstill because of your (often justified) expectations. You must let the world and people be as they are and act accordingly 

I inhale and exhale once more time

Maybe is time to turn this page. Maybe is time to move on. Again

DAY 365+43

unexpected ally

This is my contribution to Photo-Heart Connection this month 

My husband gave me a few macro lenses as a birthday present past December. One day, after all the Christmas celebrations, I went out with my camera, thinking of trying them. I was imagining all the wonderful photos I would take. I have always admired the botanical macros and flowers close-ups so I was ready to capture some fabulous images. However, as I walked by the park next to my home, I lost my inspiration. I wasn´t able to find nothing that fitted with what I had in mind and I felt  that my camera was driving me crazy, but I walked and walked and made several attempts

When I was back at home, I couldn´t be more disappointed. And that feeling increased when I edited my photos. Most of them were blurry, others were out of focus and the few that were not too bad (technically speaking) were simply awful. The flowers seemed strange creatures that frightened me and  some tiny details -as stamens or sepals- looked threatening remainders of an unknown world, though I´d  usually considered them to be enchanting 

Even so, I went out with my macro lenses one more time, and another one but I didn´t obtain better results. I started to hate them because I couldn´t find myself in my photos and they were making me lose the pleasure I usually find while shooting and editing

Oh... I was so annoyed. I kept wondering why I could not take a great macro. One day the answer came to me from a little place inside me and was clear: you can´t take better macros because this is the very first time you use those lenses and maybe you need time, maybe you can need even more time than others and this is not a crime. And suddenly,  I became aware of the foolishness of this question

To be honest, once I acknowledge this, the whole thing made me feel stupid and arrogant. Once again, I was forcing (and punishing) myself because I was too far from my expectations

I have lived that way part of my life: always making the effort to be better, always discontented, always wanting more, always judging myself harshly. Nonetheless, I have learned to let go my perfectionism, to accept that I can get things wrong and also, that I can´t be good at every single thing. But those macro lenses made the perfectionist that still live in me to wake up and scream: I was so concerned by taking the perfect macro that I was forgetting to enjoy the process 

So I decided to relax and enjoy. I went out with my camera and my lenses again without any preconceived idea in mind about what I should achieve. I walked, breathed and had fun and when I was coming out of  the park I saw this little creature (only one centimeter length). It was taking delight in the warmth of the morning light and was also, absolutely still

As I was looking at it, I perceived the texture of the leaf where it was resting, the delicacy of its colors, the shadows and its velvety wings that were so precious. I simply focused the image I was seeing through my view finder and shot. When I heard the click, I knew that I had taken my first acceptable macro. Now looking  at it, I see  the moment when I trust my own eye

I still don´t feel very comfy with those lenses, but I know that I will improve over the weeks and I will find my own style 

... And if this doesn´t happen, I´ll  feel well anyway

DAY 365+35

relative position

I usually valued the place I was taking up in the world based on the opinions of other persons. The positive or negative feedback of those persons (and even the lack of feedback) entailed a message about the love they´re willing to give me, and to be more precise, about the love I deserved

This made me start a maniac dance where I was following others movements,  and my actions were responses to their appreciation (I have written about this many times on this blog) 

I just wanted to achieve their esteem,  but the thermometer that should have measured the love in my life indeed was measuring judgments, praises and criticism. And either if the others were aware of this circumstance or not, this created a vicious circle: they started to be highly demanding... and I couldn´t stop pleasing them because that made me feel that I wasn´t good enough

In other words, the space from where I was making decisions was outside me and this simply was destroying me

When I understood this personal dynamic I started to reflect on it, and my inner work started to be aimed at this issue. I realized what I was doing and I accepted that I had to change my attitude and to struggle to define my behaviors and motivations much more clearly

That was fine, but I didn´t achieve some success till I was not able to invert my starting premises. I stopped blindly believing that I had to please others in order to be loved, and I started to consider the following:

Maybe I don´t have to please others to be loved
Maybe they will be able to love me even when I do things according to my own perspective
Maybe they don´t have to love me because I am doing this or that
Maybe they will only love me if they want to do it
Maybe they would love me regardless of my exhausting efforts (!)
Maybe I can be loved for no reason
Maybe I could love others without expecting their love
Maybe I could stop manipulating them and let them do whatever they want regarding their love for me
Maybe I could change my mind, and start to do things just because I love them
Maybe I could stop making things I don´t want to make because I assume other persons want me to do it and try to know what they really want
Maybe I could stop acting in response to others demands and learn to say NO to what I don´t like...

Maybe I could start to please myself, to undertake projects that make me love myself a bit more, to start to say YES to my own feelings and needs

In the moment I internalized this habit, the decision making automatically changed from outside to inside. This happened quickly and was effective

Now when my inner dialogue leads me to wish to find out what to do to please someone, I start this "inversions". They set me free from my unhealthy tendency and helps me to value the place I am taking up in the world based on my own opinions and feelings... based on a growing sense of dignity


Note: The book Love what is by Byron Katie, has helped  me to develop this process

DAY 365+31

seven letters, 365 days

I find really captivating choosing one word for the year. Indeed I´ve been doing such thing along the past six years or so and I´ve loved the results. Even when I write also some resolutions, having a word is wonderful because it works like a filter through which I can analyze the experiences of the year or make some of them come to light 

My word for 2013 is respect

This year I want my relationships with others living beings, with myself and with my context to be much more respectful in a balanced sense of the word

I´ll try not to criticize or censure others behaviors and I am not going to bring them out of the consequences of their acts. I´ll let them live their own process

I´ll try to consider others diversity, without giving up my own difference

I´ll show an attitude of esteem towards others feelings, but without forgetting my own sentiments

I´ll try not to permit any behavior that enables abuse to continues in my family or my work, not by changing others,  but by changing myself and my levels of tolerance

I´ll set steady and healthy boundaries 

I´ll  honor my own needs, my own perspectives, my own wishes and dreams. I am not going to pass them over, because I am too busy taking care of any other person, except of me 

I´ll  honor my own truth. I am not going to hide it or sweetened it because I yearn for others approval. Indeed, I am not going to look for it anymore

I´ll  pay proper attention to what happens around me and inside me: I´ll try to stay connected to nature cycles, hear universe messages, be kind to my body, stay true to my values and follow my soul´s call

I´ll try not to permit anything that could damage my self-confidence in any way and I´ll cultivate self-respect


Note: This is the final installment of my self portrait challenge, 48 selfies over 12 months. I will talk about this journey soon. If you want to see them all follow this link

DAY 365+15

windy days

Lately I´ve been feeling a bit downhearted and like a sort of weathervane which was moving to show how the atmosphere in my family was changing. There are many things that explain that, I am think I am quite clear about them. I have talked here many times, but let me list them once again:

 I have developed some co-dependent patterns due to my early experiences which involve the loss of my father when I was just a child, my life with my mother as a young widow after a very complicated marriage, my disabled brother and a sister with serious mental problems

I am part of a dysfunctional family where the rest of my siblings (I am the youngest one of seven brothers and sisters) have lived one way or another those circumstances and have developed their own patterns to survive. But they unlike me, seem  not to be struggling to change them even when they  can be unhealthy and are giving them problems

I -as many other persons living this kind of circumstances, including my siblings- have problems with setting boundaries. This can means that you infringe others boundaries or let others infringe yours, that´s what I usually do. This entails that even when my family doesn´t ask me so, I am prone to assume many responsibilities in order to give my mother and my brother the life I think they deserve or to protect them from their own fragility. 

According to my point of view when there are issues related to boundaries inside a family, like occurs in my family, caused -as in our case-  by previous conflicts, will always arise abusive behaviors. They will only make worse the whole situation unless the members become aware of what is happening. This kind of situations can be recognized and stopped but this needs participation and involvement, not negation. And this is the response of many of my family members

I used to think that I could change those responses but I have learned that there is no way to do it. Every time I try to deal with the situation and try to impose some kind of rationality, I fail. Of course, I always find some kind of support, I don´t know what I had done without having my sister in law, my oldest brother, some of my nephews and nieces or my fourth sister in my life, but we are not strong enough (or decisive enough) to turn the tables. It´s not anyone´s fault, this happens, in any case, due to a lack of consciousness. And this lack of consciousness makes my old patterns reemerge again.

Last weeks I have accepted that changing myself won´t change that situation and I have started to admit that I have to think of myself first (yes, I know)

I´ve so much yearned for some kind of "normality", that I was prone to forget my own priorities. This doesn´t mean that I haven´t done anything in my life except caring for my mom or dealing with my family issues (I don´t want you to see me as a martyr), it means that regardless my full life, my inner work, my awakening, my process of healing and all the things I had learned... something inside me still was telling me that my own needs, wishes and dreams were secondary comparing with my duty regarding my family demands, many of whom were self-imposed, by the way. But this  is not going to happen again

Now that my "blindness" has gone down, I can see much more clearly the real situation, and I have understood a few things:

There is not any drama

My family is not under my exclusive responsibility

I don´t have to be supervising the situation all the time

I want to help my mother and my brother but I will do according my own rules

It´s not selfishness try to make the things to be also on my own side

I don´t have to change anyone or to excuse for others behaviors

I don´t have to compensate others faults

I don´t have to protect my mom from the life she has to live but I can help her to take it easier

I don´t have to rescue anyone, except myself

I don´t want love resulting from self-sacrifice

I don´t want to be less generous, but I want to have more freedom

I won´t get involved in unhealthy dynamics trying to force some kind of normality or perfection (this is such a deception!)

I will accept things as they are

I will do my part, and other people should do their own one, if they want to, if not is none of my business

I won´t permit emotional blackmail or victim mentality

I won´t start disputes and I won´t try to change anyone´s mind, but I will act consequently

I will keep my own walk and keep on cultivating serenity and clarity

When I will make decisions, I´ll always analyze their impact on me and on my life

I won´t reject my sense of responsibility but I will balance it

I´ll make the best of the time I have to devote to my mom, I won´t complain (I´ve never have done it) , on the contrary, I´ll enjoy it as usual, but I won´t try to force others to do the same and I won´t break my own boundaries: it´s me who has to make decisions about my own life

DAY 365+14

willing to be carefree

Ten days ago I went to the isle where I was born and where my mother and the rest of my family still live in. I was there because my nephew was getting married and I took the opportunity to stay at a hotel with J. (instead of at my mom´s house) the night after the marriage. When we woke up we went for a walk near the hotel along the promenade... believe me or not this is something that I haven´t done during the last years as I usually have devoted most of my time to my mom

I love sharing my time with her and I feel the urge to help her to solve everyday problems (no matter if she asks me to do it or not) and this has been my liking and my function for so long now that I don´t feel uneasy. But now, even feeling that I want to keep on playing an important role in her life, I see how wrong I´ve been

This feeds an unhealthy dependence  and even when at the end of the day I am happy if she is happy (and being generous is important to me), most of the time this makes me work with an unbalanced approach of the matter that ends up being exhausting

When I am unbalanced (and to be honest, I often can be balance only when I am away) I don´t even consider to do something good for me as a walk with my camera, not to talk about going to have dinner with some of nieces or go to visit an exhibition. These simple things are  anathema to me, something that I vehemently reject

Now I see that my perspective regarding this issue has been totally distorted, in particular since I started to be afraid of my mother ageing (and her lose). The more I have become obsessed with that idea, the more I have restricted my outings when I have visited her but this has tried my patience when the situation became more complicated and finally, it has helped me to understand that maybe this is not necessary at all

Before I used to complain because I live far away from her, but now I have to admit that this simple fact has kept me safe. I can´t even imagine develop this whole dynamic, every single day considering its effects even when I go there only once a month or so

This has been a hard path to walk, but after all the events happened since past august, I have started to travel through acceptance and to understand that I can´t do nothing to hold my mom here. I can be with her twenty four hours per day and deprive myself of having my own life, but this won´t prevent her to leave. The only thing I am going to get is feeling drained, hopeless and depressed... and the lost of many chances to enjoy what is around me, including my time with her

I don´t know why it has taken me so long to understand this and I can´t really understand my blindness but it suddenly clicked: the richer my life is, the better the love I can give to my mom will be

So from now on I am determined to turn the tables and start to take a little time for myself when I am visiting my mom and my brother, just to do something that can be pleasant or appealing to me. Things that don´t need to involve them like going for a walk, taking some photos outside, having a tea while contemplating the sea or reading a book… 

 When I am there I have many wonderful moments with them, moments that I deeply love and cherish, and even moments of tranquility (just a few to be honest, but they exist) but I need to invert my tendency to forget my own requirements in order feel fully happy and serene which include space, solitude, fresh air, freedom and some lack of concern  

I am sure this will be for my own good