DAY 588

in {and out} Week 23: Sweet

My mother loves candies. I remember her telling me countless times along my childhood: come on girl, let´s sweeten life a bit!. Back then sugar wasn't considered a poison and my mother enjoyed sweet foods without regrets (she still does). But I was not sweet-toothed, so this is not one of the pleasures we have shared.

Regardless of this, when I was taking this photo the last time I visited her, I got lost in memories related to this topic. This is not strange, I am still waiting to see my dear mom refusing a candy at least once. On the other hand, her love for chocolate is legendary and has generated many anecdotes throughout the years that are already part of our family story.

However, among those memories, I  also found some that are not related to her fondness for these treats, to the wonderful cups of hot chocolate she usually prepared or to the candies she made with melted sugar (which was beautifully brittle once cool), but are -even so- an inseparable part of my childhood.

I remembered her telling me: Look how beautiful!, while she was holding a simple piece of crystalline sugar. Look how precious!, while she was showing me the wrapper of a filled-chocolate. Look how charming!, while she was caressing a can of biscuits. Look how lovely!, while she was contemplating a box of fine chocolates... or a bottle of perfume or a embroidered handkerchief or a strawberry or the section of a mandarin orange or the petal of a flower or a piece of fabric.

Look!. What an amazing verb!. What an impressive advice and wonderful training!. I had never thought about it that way, I had never thought that it was a powerful lesson when indeed it was.

I don´t know exactly why this photo made me change my mind regarding this issue. Maybe it happened because early in the morning, after giving my mother the bag of striped candies, she placed one of them on her hand's palm, looked at me and said: Look, how pretty!...  and I realized that her simple gesture was the quintessence of beauty’s appreciation.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 585

in {and out} Week 20: Yellow

Often the simplest solution can be the best one. Simplicity is a good ally of logical reasoning, of functionality, decision making and problem solving... not to talk about planning, but we insist on forgetting it.

This tendency has to do with the way we have been brought up,  with all the bad habits of the educational system and -obviously- with our ego's vices. This makes us prone to think that simplicity and naturalness don't make a good impression in others and we rather opt for a rehearsed complication.

As an analytical introvert and part of an academic institution which praises affectation and can obscure the easiest things, I have been a very good friend of complexity.

But once I started my inner work simplicity gained relevance... maybe because all the sources I checked considered it extremely important, in fact, it seemed to be an article of faith. To be honest, in the very beginning I found this kind of veneration ridiculous, whys should I choose it when I could opt for intricate thoughts, answers or strategies?.

But I persevered (probably because I also found the concept intriguing) and one day I went across Zen Buddhism and I acknowledged that I had found a tailor-made philosophy. Simplicity started to pervade my thoughts and my way of feeling:

 What could be more appealing than keeping it easy in the presence of life?
What could be more poignant than staying bare, pure while feeling bewildered?
What could be more impressive than acting with ease regardless of paradoxes and confusions?.

Little by little, I started to accept its significance and I realized that it was the ultimate sophistication. I also understood something that before I hadn't even conceived: simplicity is not a response in the face of an entangled life, it is a way to make evident that life is much more simpler than we like to think, it is foreseeable and comprehensible and clear as long as we don't want to change it.

This has been a great lesson. Even so, my old fondness for labyrinthine alternatives still reappears from time to time. Tiny relapses, you know… so I've been a bit embroiled in rambling thoughts about this entry of the project. And then, one morning, two words came to my mind: Lemon Yellow. And these two words clarified it all.

 The simpler, the better.

This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 572

there is neither a start nor an end

"All Beings Are Flowers Blooming In A Blooming Universe"

Soen Nakagawa

DAY 566

about love

“When we are in relationship as our own radiant emptiness, the relationship is beautiful because we are being what we are. Essentially we are in love with a mystery. Mystery is in love with itself. When this mystery is in relationship with an other, whether the so-called other is the flower, the bird, the wind, the coldness, or a human being, it relates to these as an expression of the same mystery. This is true sacred relationship, when we see that we are really in relationship with the manifestation of the mystery.”

Adyashanti

DAY 563

in {and out} Week 3: White

Many persons want to see life in black and white or even only in black or white. Obviously, is much more convenient trying to understand the world from this point of view because by reducing categories having a clear explanation for every circumstance, event or behavior is much simpler. Unfortunately the thing is not that easy and our experiences not always respond to well defined patterns or motivations.

I used to wish to be that kind of person. I used to like to have answers and put my experiences inside a few little boxes which were correctly labeled. I didn´t want the chaos or the uncertainty, the variety of real life. I didn´t want my days to be unpredictable, diverse, so I was always struggling to keep order using strange –reductive- methods to control what indeed was uncontrollable.

Now I am learning to allow life to happen. I am learning to embrace the grey and all the colors between the black and the white. I have come to understand that trying to reduce life to something easy to drive creates biases that ruin the allure of raw reality: when we are always denying, repressing, categorizing and acting accordingly, we forget to enjoy what is wild and extravagant and absurd and unreasonable, all that is unexpected or accidental, the miracles and all the things that we think shouldn´t be here but exist anyway.

This is helping me also to stop altering my own story, past or attitudes… in the end, when one has only a small number of compartments for storing persons, ideas or memories,   the only thing that can be done with our changeable and inconstant life is to create a new version of it more homogeneous, less complex.

This has not driven me to a life of confusion and disorder (as I previously thought). Paradoxically, as soon I let go my old and strict mindset, my calm has increased. I have learned that all colors and nuances exist regardless of my opinion about them, that all are important and have a reason for existing in a given moment.

In short, life is not monochromatic, but today we honor white.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project.  

DAY 562

in {and out} Week 2: Winter

Winter is maybe the hardest season. It is the most austere –so to speak- and forces us to focus on the essence of things. A bare, withered, branch doesn´t caught our attention almost immediately. It is not like a blooming bouquet of flowers or a carpet of red leaves, it hasn´t got their evident allure, it is severe and plain, unadorned, but if we take the time to go beyond appearances and stereotyped ideas about beauty and life (and death), we´ll realize that it is appealing anyway.

Learning to appreciate this kind of bare simplicity has connected me with a more contemplative mood from where I have started to embrace the reality (and the gifts) of life cycles and to accept with humbleness (and even joy) what comes to meet me.

This is helping me to lead a more authentic life which is not oriented only to conquer success or approval but also to self-realization, to the fulfillment of my true potential.

Obviously, acknowledging that life is fleeting, that birth and death happen continuously and this changes it all every single time but doesn´t disrupt the mechanics of this universe is shocking. Coming to the conclusion that the only thing we can do is accepting the loss and its lessons and become ready for the next season is painful. Learning to do it with gratitude, treasuring the sweetest memories and letting go the anger and the bitterness can seem to be improbable… but it is possible. Honoring the process through which detachment occurs by keeping love and compassion in our hearts is indispensable.

Today I know that a new spring will come and with it a new hope will revive. May I never forget what I have learnt along this winter. May the serenity it has brought to my life can endure.



This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project.  

DAY 554

expanding the sense of belonging

"When we see who is really in front of us, when we can glimpse a bit of their “secret history,” we don’t want them to suffer, and our circle of compassion naturally widens to include them"

Tara Brach

DAY 551

waveless (again)

I´ve been dealing with some major issues related to anger lately. Well, to be honest, I am always dealing with that kind of issues some way or another, even without noticing, so it would be more accurate to say that my anger has been out of control lately.

I know the reason why this happens. It is my main response to my own vulnerability, the first emotion that emerges when I have to face everyday problems (and even other emotions caused by them), so it´s hardly surprising that when those problems increase my ability to keep it under control seems to decrease.

Anger is an instinctive response to a stimulus that later on can be  elaborated (unconsciously) as aggressivity, frustration, coolness, resentment or even apathy. This creates many different behaviors that sometimes cannot even been related to anger (from outside) but are caused by it. We are prone to think that anger would be expressed in a violent way but this is not always the case. I can also appear as complaints, distance, victimism or passiveness. 

When we manage well this emotion it can be considered a call to action and we can promote behaviors related to change,  justice, equity and balance. In short, anger (and every and each emotion we can feel) warns us when something is not working.

I have come to understand why anger is my main emotion. It has to do with my own story, my character and my mind frames and also with feeling it quicklier than other emotions. As a result, I have learnt a few things:

- My anger comes from an old source, and old wound that is not easy to heal but the more I am aware of it, the more I can contribute to do it.

- Feeling anger for such a long time has distorted my emotional response and the way I see life but the more I am aware of it, the more I can apply a safety factor -so to speak- in order to correct this.

- Anger is not good, nor bad. It is just an emotion. It is what I do with my anger what can be dangerous or insane. The more I am aware of it, the more I can use anger as a wake up call. It is what is causing it and what I do afterwards what counts.

- When something very stressful appears in my life, I am prone to forget what I have stated above. When pain hits me, when I feel not safe, when lose or sorrow are chasing me, I often forget all what I have learnt about this topic. I stop being prudent and -little by little- I immerse myself in anger as a way to bear what I am experiencing. The more I am aware of this, the more I can overcome this situation.

- When awareness is not enough and I find myself letting my thoughts be ruled by anger, I feel guilty. This -obviously- does not help at all. The more I am aware of it, the more I can forgive myself and start anew again.

Right now I am going through some circumstances that are testing me. I have talk here about the complicated situation at university, but I have not said that three of my work mates, that are also very close girl friends, are struggling against cancer at this moment. It all has happened along the last two years and I can hardly explain what going to work -knowing that they are not there anymore- has meant to me this September.

I´ve have shared more than twenty years of my working and personal life with them and the emptiness I feel is indescribable. It´s like a hole and it has been filled with anger as I was trying to accept the situation and not feeling so sad and scared.

I am not angry because they are ill.  I am angry because I am stressed and anxious and disconsolate and I find no way to express it beautifully. Because this is the only way I have to say to myself how sorrowful and downhearted I am. Maybe, because I prefer to feel angry than heartbroken (hope this makes sense).

So at this moment I am precisely at the last points of my previous list. I am trying to forgive myself because I have let the anger be the way I connect with my feelings (even when after all this is good);  to forgive myself for not been able to manage it adequately after a long period of balance.

I am trying to be benevolent with myself too,  and step by step a fragile sense of calm is returning while I shed my tears, while I allow myself to feel deeply afflicted, to acknowledge that I´ve been haunted with fear.

While I opt for thankfulness and surrendering once more...

DAY 549

holding onto this place

Lately, I´ve been trying to reinforce my beliefs so I have written a lot about being present because it´s something that I need very much right now. Thanks to this, I am preserving my good sense and my positive mood in this moment of my life. This has made me confirm once again the great importance of a daily practice which allows me to approach these endless changes and mutations.

I think it will never finish, just because life never cease to challenge me (us) but it is evolving. When I started I already was clear about the importance of that practice but I was prone to struggle against what comes to meet me. I was prone to rejection and I usually thought that I could control my life. Indeed, my inner work was initially an attempt to do it although I didn´t know back then. 

Now,  I have realized that what I try to develop in my life -and to communicate here- is all about surrender. Not about asking, but about accepting. Not about planning, but about believing that things will occur if we trust our path and our inner voice. Not about demanding more or better things, but about being able to discover the unexpected beauty that lies in what already exists. Not about creating a future, but about enjoying the present.

Along these years I have understood that the more I live (and love, when I can) what it is, the more my life looks like as I dreamed of. The more I practice mindfulness, the more I find reasons to live this concrete life. The more I bow down to my destiny, the more I discover that this is the life I was expecting, the life I was meant to live.

However, this is not always easy. If I neglect my practice some way or another, sooner or later I find myself lost in rambling thoughts and attitudes which don´t lead me to any safe place, in particular when something that calls for special efforts appears.

This usually made me feel angry (yes, I know...). I couldn´t believe that after all the hard work, I still could wobble, felt unsteady, but this was exactly what happened. This anger made me be a bit rebellious and develop some resistance, but I am learning to overcome all this. When I need an extra-doses of consciousness I look for it and let my pride and arrogance aside.

Consequently, I often feel that I am repeating myself by the recitation of the same truths once and again but I do it anyway. I have come to the conclusion that repetition, routine and discipline are intrinsic part of my (any) process and the way I am improving little by little.

Today, I come here to claim again one of those old things, because while some life circumstances are testing me (I´ll write about this on coming posts) I need to remind myself that the more I put down roots here -the more I align myself with light and the more I rely on my own inner power- the more I bloom.

DAY 544

reentry

I´ve been (almost) unplugged along ten days. I wanted to rearrange things at home now that I am on holidays but apart from that, I felt I had to be off line for a while. I also left my camera aside.

My work involves much intellectual effort and hobbies, you know, can be highly rewarding but also a bit demanding, so it has been refreshing to work hard (physically speaking) and taking time to do another kind of things without being under pressure, without deadlines or feeling that I have to socialize, create or communicate. I haven´t even used the phone too much.

My husband is still working outside the country. His comeback has been delayed several times which is very sad because now I have plenty free time and although I have decided not to dramatize the situation too much, it has made much more evident my solitude.

In fact, I have been totally alone and at my own pace. I´ve been painting, tidying, decorating but I have also rested a lot. I have read a few books, been watching old episodes of my favorite serials and eating simple meals without being in a hurry, without schedules... what a great privilege and what an amazing pleasure!

This has made me realize -once again- the crazy exigencies of my job, how the current university policy is forcing me to work in conditions that are becoming worse every passing year and how this is affecting me; it has also made me think about the good and not so good impact that being on line has on my life. But I´ll write about this on next posts... 

Hope you´re having a wonderful month.

Much Love

Z.

DAY 542

determined to see for myself

Lately I have found myself thinking about the elderly quite often. Not only because I am facing the ageing of my own mother, which is a very challenging situation (yet somehow rewarding as it gives a new dimension to our relationship),  but also, because I can see how the number of persons obsessed by youth is increasing every passing day.

When I read articles or look at advertisements or images of any kind, I feel that our society is concerned by ageing (me too) and it´s struggling against it not always in a very positive way.

This battle occurs in many fields and the persons of my age or so are who are fighting harder -I think- to avoid health, emotional,  social or aesthetical issues related to ageing. I know that it is not easy to deal with certain situations related to it and I truly believe that we have to look for the best quality of life... but we have to be clear that this won´t prevent us from getting older.

On the other hand, it doesn´t have to mean feeling less useful, radiant or fulfilled. On the contrary, it can mean being all those things but in a different way. Or maybe, getting older really means that we won´t be those or other things anymore, so what?. We still will be persons, human beings, here, trying to do our best, learning, living, feeling...

I know that any society is led by certain ideals and obviously they try to domesticate our nature. That´s why our social, aesthetical, emotional or health aspirations can be unnatural, this is the rationale of civilization, but maybe we should pay attention when they start to be unreal according to current circumstances and possibilities.

I cannot help feeling that some of these efforts would be much more productive if they were focussed on changing our mindset and social prejudices or preconceived ideas about this subject that is culturally constructed. In particular, those who are so biased and corrupted that make us lose direction and forget what is important. In particular, those which impact deeply on the existence of many persons by making them feel a mistake, by making them be invisible before our eyes.

When I saw those two ladies, I didn´t see decline or lack of charm... but what is most important: amidst the busy morning in the park, I saw them.... that´s why this is my Photo-Heart Connection for July. 

DAY 538

"Courage is a love affair with the unknown" 

Osho


I am developing a challenge with some friends. Two photos per week throughout the whole summer. I am sharing them via a private group as the challenge is not only about photography, but also about self-knowledge.  

However, today  I want to share here the the photo I took for the this week subjects: grandparents.

Since I first read Osho´s quote,  I knew that I had to match it up with that photo. There is something in the posture of the gentleman, something in the process of getting old itself and keep on living a meaningful life regardless of our experiences,  that fits perfectly with those words...

Happy Weekend dear friends

Much Love

Z.

DAY 537

sweet and slow

When I started this personal -and spiritual- journey, I was secretly aspiring to excellence. I wanted to achieve goals and conquer calm, serenity and balance without delay (of course!). I judged myself harshly when I thought I was not being good enough. My relapses, or so I called them, made me feel angry and I couldn´t stand those persons that after only a little work started to consider themselves illuminated. I detested shoddy practices and triviality and vanity. I felt that I was doing a good work but nobody seemed to appreciate it… the story of my life!

Probably I was making something good (maybe my mantras and my prayers and my meditations which usually took me off of that vicious circle) because, little by little, I started to understand that I was acting regarding my inner work exactly the same way that I had always acted regarding the rest of my life.

When that became clear, I totally changed the way I was approaching it. It started to be something very relaxed. Something that I was doing because of myself, and not in order to look for others approval. Something that shouldn´t be planned or justified or evaluated… that could change and even be spontaneous and unpredictable.

I started to appreciate my own process and the guidance that was appearing in my life, coming in all forms. I kept on being rigid and a great controller in many aspects and spaces but when I was developing my inner work I created room for intuition and creativity, I permitted myself to go with the flow and to explore without being afraid of failing and –last but not least- to be much more benevolent to myself.

This way my perfectionism, my pride, my need to be always right that before gave me no respite, started to soften. I learnt how to bow down to my story, to my pain, to my destiny, to my weaknesses and my greatness and I started to move forward.

I accepted what came to meet me. I accepted help and realized that other way to approach life was emerging. A way that called for kindness and consciousness and mindfulness… that was not fast, hurtful or arrogant; A way that was (still is) sweet and slow.

Now my days are more peaceful than ever. My mood is more joyful. And what started being just a personal practice has ended being a way of living. Through the change of my attitude, my whole existence has changed.

Now I trust my life and know that wherever it leads me, it´s the place where I supposed to be.

DAY 535

the secret sound

"If you want the truth, I’ll tell you the truth: Listen to the secret sound, the real sound, which is inside you."

Kabir

After reading this quote (that resonated deeply with me) I realized that in fact,  this is becoming the only routine of my personal practice: I listen and listen and when I think I have nothing else to listen, I listen again.

I listen with my ears but also with my whole being because that secret sound inside me shows up in many different ways. I listen and pay attention to what I am noticing and try to name my feelings, my unease, the things that lead me to serenity. I listen through the language of my body, through its sickness; through my photos and the words I send to the world; through my changing mood, my anger, my joy and my silences.

And step by step I get in touch with that secret sound, the secret voice of my soul, that connects me to a wisdom that is bigger than me,  I unravel its language and figure out what it´s trying to tell me.

From time to time, I get lost in this translation: the emotional noise is loud and I am not able to set connections. When this happens I try to be back to basics. I listen how I am talking to others (and to myself) and behind the tone of my voice, its tessitura, the words I am using, after a few moments, I recognize the soft whisper of that secret sound, the delicate guidance of my soul...

I have come to understand that it uses even the most banal talk to reach me and this has been maybe the most amazing find I have made: everything is a channel that the highest consciousness uses to talk to me about me and ABOUT the meaning of my -our- stay here

DAY 531

light

There is no shadow without light. We are prone to forget this while doing our inner work. We look for light so much, that we don´t understand that the best way to find it is to look at our shadow.

When we do that, we see that what generates the unease now (before maybe it was the way we presented ourselves to the world or even the way we tried to survive) is the distorted projection of our true self. If we gradually get close to the light, which for me has to do with consciousness, the shadow gets smaller and light discloses everything beautiful within us.

On the other hand, without good light there are not good photos. I was thinking that when I left home, very late. The sky was cloudy, so I went out with my camera (after correcting my students´ essays along several days) not thinking of taking amazing photos, but because I needed to stretch my legs and feel that I could be back to my center... and that's what I do when I go to the park´s pond next to my house.

As I was searching for a good (or at least acceptable) photo, slowly, almost without noticing it, I let myself be guided by shadows and reflections until I found the few places around the pond where sunset light was reaching the water surface through the clouds and trees. Without good light, it is true, there are not good photos. But if there is shadow, there is light, no matter how long it takes us to find it.

This aquatic flower (that I finally captured) knows it. Nature knows it. We should know it. And this can be applied to photography and to life too .

DAY 526

happiness

It is difficult to talk about this subject. We usually believe that life should give us reasons to be happy and I don´t think so at all.

We must look for (and find) the reasons to be happy amidst the chaos of everyday life (and its magic), the bad luck (and its lessons); amidst the misfortune (and its blessings)... the unexpected and the way it touches and transforms us.

We can choose to be victims or survivors, we can choose to suffer or learn, we can choose not to see the miracles and stop experiencing wonder ... or we can try to stop judging life and labeling it, stop believing we deserve more happiness than the happiness that we are able to grow and give.

It is our responsibility to be happy, regardless of events and circumstances. Indeed, we can find happiness beyond strokes of luck or reasons to be happy that are sold to us by the market or the ego.

One day I stopped expecting and began to thank, stopped complaining and started to accept, I stopped fantasizing about another life and embraced mine and found thousands reasons to be happy in me, within me and outside me. I just had to stop and observe.

Now my happiness does not depend on the day, it is up to me and depend on my attitude. I choose to be happy , as I choose to see the beauty in a leaf floating adrift.



PS : This photo is one of those I'm taking in the park´s pond next to my house. I do not know how this project of mine will develop, or what it means but - even so- it makes me happy.

I have started a challenge with a couple of friends that involves taking (and sharing) a photo per day along a whole month following some guidelines, I am doing it only via facebook because  I didn´t want to pressure myself into posting daily  on this blog.  However, along the development of that project I´ve been feeling  that I should share here some of the things I have been written. This is the photo and the text corresponding to day 15.

DAY 524

self-care

From some time now, I´ve been trying to go in depth into the almost impenetrable (to me) art of self-caring. Those can be stormy seas to me because I am prone to push into the background my true needs but am not able to set aside what must be done.

 Rules, duties and responsibilities play an important role in my life. Service too, even when I haven´t even been aware of it till recently. And I am a perfectionist. Those things all together create a good teacher, a person oriented to help that can be very efficient, someone who finds easy be generous and compassionate and very difficult to focus her abilities on herself.

Along the last two years (since my mother and my brother started to be more dependent and I started to assume their care´s organization) I have come to accept that part of my destiny (my mission?) is being here for others. That´s why I have always supported them and that´s why I also love teaching, sharing what I know, explore new ways to help others to grow and so on, but I am just starting to make the most of the power of this gift (maybe because I have fully accepted it).

I have used my willpower, skills and self-discipline to keep active (and even to empower) my caregiver role in order to benefit other persons. However, along this year I haven´t felt like wanting to do that anymore, instead I have felt like wanting to give me the same kind of support I usually give them.

It has taken much to start to do it, I couldn´t even think that I could deserved the same devotion than they do deserve, but I was determined to give this new attitude a chance and now I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

After a whole life being in the background, starting to be in the foreground is hard. I have to make myself fall into this trap almost every single day. I have to persuade myself to be important to me and to make room for what I wish without feeling guilty, almost every single day, but little by little I am achieving some success.

Now I don´t get into my caregiver role unthinkingly when family, friend or students need me. I try to balance my behavior, and think of me first (something that sounds terrible to me) but I also try to enjoy when I decide to do it, no more regrets.

When this morning I saw this photo that I had processed a week ago or so, I knew it will make a wonderful Photo-Heart Connection this month. It conveys what I have been writing about: it shows me that all the kindness I have inside me and I direct towards others (even a simple fallen flower), can be directed also towards myself.

From now on I´ll do that... I promise.

DAY 503

longing

The tide was turning and the boys were challenging the waves, dancing with the ebb and flow. They were excited as if no one were brave enough to do the same. They were proud of themselves as if they were the first to discover how to play with the coming and going of the sea.

They seemed to be undaunted. And fearless. And careless. And ingenuous (I have grown by the sea and one needs great doses of naivety and a pinch of courage to play that way).They seemed not to have one concern in this world and all the grace coming from that gift.

This made me feel certain yearning and I started to wonder -once again- how a safe childhood would be… the sort of childhood that allows a child to have a feeling of wild boldness and blind confidence.

I kept my walk, taking photos here and there while the sun was setting. The air became cooler and the sea was like a silver carpet. I kept my walk till the end of the promenade and went back to this same point where the rising tide had already covered the breakwater. The boys had vanished, but my heart still wanted to know.

Every time I think of my childhood I can glimpse some splashes of pure bliss and perceive genuine hope, but all my memories of that time come along with a trace of pain. My life, my studies and my work have taught me that such thing called safe childhood rarely exists, that my story is one among millions of similar stories and is not one of the worst, not at all.

In fact, every childhood is a fragile territory that can be ruined easily because we have to join up with a group that exists before us and has its own stories of transgenerational traumas and successes. An unknown territory where we arrive without maps and often becomes a labyrinth. A training territory where masters and tyrants are sometimes mixed up. And –to sum up- an old territory that will always be reinvented just because every child is a new, unique and unpredictable human being and this creates unexpected dynamics: some terrible, some unpleasant, some disturbing, some delightful and marvelous and gratifying.

I have got to know persons with all kinds of childhood experiences and I have come to understand that the most important thing is the way we choose to respond to those experiences and the personal determination not to be defined by them, no matter how they were.

So time ago I decided to learn from my childhood, to embrace this vulnerability and realized that I prefer showing it to pretending that it doesn´t exist. This made a great difference in my life. Indeed, I am quite sure that things I love more of myself and my existence today are here thanks to the way I have coped with my early experiences, thus, I don´t complain.

However, from time to time this sterile query finds me again. This crazy wish undermines my mood. This senseless thinking captures my mind. And I cannot help asking myself –once again- how a safe childhood would have been...


Cross-posted at Vision and Verb on Friday. Many other women share their passion for creativity and words there, please visit us, it is a wonderful site 

There you will find also a Card Shoppe. For every greeting card sold, the profit will accrue in allotments of $25 each to be given as loans to men and women around the world who are starting their own businesses. We have chosen the non-profit organization KIVA as the conduit for our giving back 

You can send a love note to a friend and make a difference in the world

DAY 365+133

after Christmas

I love this time of the year, I love feeling generous and willing to be at ease regardless of past fears and sadness and anger. I experience it as a sort of rebirth every single year (!), maybe because I celebrate my birthday the Christmas Eve, but it is not a facile time to me. It makes me feel easily overwhelmed with expectations about how things could be (yes, I know...).

Latest years I´ve been cultivating a sort of detachment and trying to let go my idea of what a Christmas celebration should be. Not because I think that usual Christmas celebration is not desirable, or beautiful, but because it really doesn´t fit my life circumstances and makes me suffer. According to this I´ve been abandoning complicated preparations, sophisticated meals, crowded meetings, extended family meals, Christmas cards and greeting, expensive presents and shopping.

I am learning to live it as a personal mood that I can experience -and enjoy- inside me, or along with those who share my new perspective. At this moment of my life I am choosing to express what Christmas means to me in a more discreet and unadorned way. Christmas has always been to me a time where I can make a difference, where I can explore consciously the divinity who lives also inside me, what makes me to feel at peace with myself and others, a time to celebrate light, but I have always wanted to stuff my feelings  into the traditional celebration and it hasn´t  worked fairly well. After much pain I accepted that alternative habits could work better but it has taken me time to accept, change and re-create my Christmas.

I am still on the way but this Christmas I have experienced much more peace and happiness than before and this is an excellent indicator. As this is a work in progress, I have not a complete set of instructions, but I would like to share some of the things that are helping me:

Breaking some rules (or most of them)

Cultivating frugality (but not avarice)

Dismissing insane customs (even when they are old and dear to me or my family)

Buying only things that can be useful or are beautiful (or are really surprising)

Practicing mindfulness

Being generous not only with money but with time and love

Keeping a joyful mood

Letting go drama and perfectionism

Looking for wonder (and living it)

Being true to myself and to the way I conceive Christmas

Doing things that I wouldn´t usually do just because the moment demands it (I am not talking about sacrifice, I am talking about being less rigid, more spontaneous)

Giving new meaning to old habits (and keep only what can be meaningful)

Creating new traditions (that can be interwoven with the old one) and new memories

I know this will help me throughout the years ahead to create a kind of celebration that will make my heart and my soul feel pleased, I am so happy to have started this new path!...

Blessing to you all. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas.

DAY 365+122

the wise self

Many things have moved along October inside and outside me. Some circumstances that have been at a standstill along the whole year (or more) seem to be guided into positive channels and are making me see some light at the end of the tunnel.

On the other hand, some old patterns that I´ve been dealing with,  are little by little fading away and I feel that I have been set free. Of course, many things stay the same (some of them for my own good, not all) but even when I face those that I don´t like, I feel a sort of detachment. Anger has almost gone away and I have realized that I am fighting less and am more prone to embrace what comes to meet me. 

All those things together are making me feel much more creative. But also much more balanced, motivated and proactive. And focused. And confident. 

However from time to time I doubt. From time to time I think that maybe there is a hidden catch in this mood. From time to time a whispering voice inside me says:

Who do you think you are? Why do you think you deserve to feel this tranquility? Why do you think you´re good enough to dare to be different, to feel safe, to experience joy? Have you ever thought that maybe you´re neglecting what is really important? And for a moment I feel just a pretender. 

That´s not new, you know. We all have that part of us which maybe trying to protect ourselves or warranting our survival and others approval, ruins our greatness and quite often all the fun. But now that speech only lasts a few seconds, because the wise self that also resides inside me doesn´t remain silent or muttering tremblingly. On the contrary,  It shouts, and claims and vindicates and repeats a tiny mantra aimed at reminding me the kind of person I am (I want to be) now: 

honor your uniqueness


PS: This is my October´s Photo-Heart Connection. I took a photo of the above mentioned phrase that I wrote down in my agenda (almost without noticing it) while I was updating it. I like the way this reminders catch me while I am leafing through it.