DAY 600

farewell, 2015

I've been planning to write a post about 2015 for some time now. After pondering this and that, I decided to keep it simple as I am determined to use my time more wisely, and to be less conditioned by my ego's needs to be perfect. So here I am, a bit late, mainly because I need to close what I would define as a challenging (and life-changing) year. At this point, many of you know well some of the experiences that I have had to live, so I am not going to speak of them again. I am going to focus on how my life has been transformed by them.

I have had to cry much during 2015. I have done it silently, privately, inconsolably and openly. I started the year determined to be more authentic, so I didn't ignore or conceal my sorrow, my sadness. On the contrary, I lived with it -went through it-, not only after the passing of my friends (or my dear cat), but also along their process of leaving this existence. I was there and I talked about it, I allowed myself to feel the pain, the fear and even so, I offered them my unconditional presence.

By doing that I experienced a sort of catharsis. I felt how my shell (the old carapace that was covering my heart) started to –finally- crack. It was like an end of an era. After all the inner work, I was feeling free!.

I still am not sure why this happened. Maybe it was the shock linked to every loss or the sense that the time was limited; maybe it was the acknowledgement regarding the triviality of many of my efforts versus the greatness of life and death... maybe it was my moment.

Maybe, through the hollows of the broken fabric of my life I accidentally glimpsed how future could be. I don't know, but I had an insight into the reality of my existence and the reason for being here.

And I understood that I would never be the same. I wouldn't pretend not to be myself anymore or disown my gifts ever again. I understood that I would keep listening my inner voice but without any shame.

I realized that vulnerability was leading me to a turning point. I realized that I had to pay tribute to light by awakening and by creating enlightenment regardless of my doubts. That there was a force inside me that was claiming to be out, to bloom, and I had to allow it to do it.

I understood that I won't disguise my essence from now on.

Today I know that I have to soar -leave my old place- and walk over in order to greet the truth of who I am. And that’s what I am doing.

DAY 598

autumn's finds

November must be one of my favorite months. There is something in the air, in the light, in the weather that always changes my mood. Even this year, even only after five days. It is already working its magic.

I have gone through many stages along my process of mourning. Indeed I have gone through all the stages of loss and grief many times, and I have started the whole process all over again at least three times, or even more. It was my response to the consecutive death of a dear friend, my sweet cat and another best friend in the space of six months. It was also my response to my own impotency.

It may seem a cliché after all the texts and information existing about them, but I have found myself coming and going from one stage to another during all this year, although coping with my pain has been a deeply personal experience. I am still far from a total acceptance. I still experience anger and sadness, but I have now many moments of calm and gratitude. As I have not experienced the stages in the order that they are usually listed (denial, anger, bargaining , depression and acceptance), I have always had them, but now  -since mid October or so- they are much more consistent.

Nevertheless, one of the things I have been longing for -even in the best days- has been the sense of joy and illusion that was part of my nature. Even being an analytical introvert, even when I have gone through many difficult times along my life, I have had always an active, venturesome and proactive attitude. Regardless of sadness or pain, I always found a reason for living: a new project, a new dream, a new challenge… but not this time. This time, I have felt that this little spark inside me was fading. I have felt that life could be futile... that maybe my spirit was giving up.

But November's energy is blowing on that little flame and I am starting to feel its warmth inside my chest again. And with it, a new life is emerging. A new being is appearing. A new strength is taking form. A new future is coming into focus.

All this is still a bit blurred, fragile. I still have bad days. I still have many bad days, indeed. But the beat is unmistakable. And with the beat a call comes. It is a call for new things. It is a call for boldness. I have always wanted to break the boundaries that keep me safe inside an academic context. I have always wanted to share my learnings, but doubts have undermined my confidence. However, –after all this year- I have come to the conclusion that I have nothing to lose. I used to think in terms of “what if”. But now I am thinking in terms of “so what”.

Shall I dare to do what my heart desires?. I hope so . The vertigo that I experienced when I faced the possible lack of sense is becoming a new motivation (not sure how). And I know I have a few kind helpers up there... in the heaven... among the stars. 

DAY 595

in {and out} Week 29: Noon

Twelve o'clock in the daytime (the moment I took this photo)  is a very precise time. It is midday, literally speaking. And it's difficult to perceive, unless you are looking at your watch. At this moment the sun is crossing the local meridian, it is in the zenith, so the light is direct and sharp. It is said that is not the best moment to take photos, but I do love that light. It is fierce and merciless and challenges the photographer, but if one learns to tame it, results can be amazing.

But noon is also (according to dictionary) "the highest, brightest or finest point or part of something". Although the definition is clear, this concept is less precise than the previous one, and even more difficult to calculate. The predominant speeches in our society usually link the peak of one's life to early adulthood, economic success and professional achievements... but as far as I am concerned, the highest or most important top of a person's life has nothing to do with that. Indeed it is not characterized by the gaining of wealth or position, but involves clarity and joy. 

In my case, this has coincided with midlife, that -if we trust advertising- is the start of decay, even when reality shows a different state of things.  Due to all those factors, it has taken me time to accept that this is a good moment in my life (indeed, maybe one of the best ones). But I truly believe it is. 

However, it is not good in the way I used to dream of (prejudices, again...), but in  a completely different way.  Things seem to be raw right now, not more refined. My emotions, my opinions, my perception are not so filtered or subtle, they are not even so genteel. I used to waste many time moderating them, but now I have no time (or disposition) to do it, I need to be sincere, open… to be natural, to feel  that I am just me. 

 I know this  need to process less has to do with the authenticity I was yearning for. To be honest, I still don´t know how to deal with it, but I guess that it is like the midday light: I only have to learn to tame it.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 592

in {and out} Week 26: Animals

We live in the era of great speeches and declarations, of great (and not so great) causes. Most of them deal with ideas and terms that fall within the sphere of the morality and try to set some rules of conduct. As a result, they delimit the correctness of certain behaviors. What can be done, what shouldn't be done.

Social media and mass media often work as loudspeakers of these speeches, so they gain adepts. They work also as a coercive power that forces us to stay faithful to their statements. But it seems to me that this creates double standards: what we say and what we do.

Don't get me wrong, I truly believe that many of those speeches are needed, that the requirements for a better world should be promoted, but the way this is done, makes a difference.

I see clear dissimilarities between educate by giving tools that allow us to analyze reality, be aware of our impact and change the way we act and indoctrinate which means to force a person to accept a point of view uncritically. When we do this last thing, we generate the double standards that I mentioned above. The person knows the doctrine, but doesn't know how to act accordingly or to assess consequences.

University seems to be the perfect ground for all this and teaching there have made me realize how dangerous this can be. These contradictions don't help to achieve what we are looking for, in fact, they provoke the opposing effect.

Change is not easy but is urgent. It demands coherence and determination. All the mystic masters say that it only will happen if we do little things with much consciousness. And I believe this to be true. I think we need the trends toward renewals on this society, but we also need personal commitment.

I try to teach this to my students: To get involved; To be intensely present. Not to follow the stream. And often, (that's why I am talking about this on this post) I give them the following examples:

 Are you in favor to protect the elderly?. Go and visit your grandparents or your great-grandparents. Go there and stay with them a whole day. Listen their stories; help them to go through an ordinary day. Stay with them while they eat or have a nap. Laugh with them. Be aware of their state of mind. See what they need. Forget all theories and practice empathy. Allow yourself to be there. Be mindful.

Are you in favor of the rights of animals? Love one single animal first. Love him (or her) so deeply that you feel that the boundaries between animals and humans become blurred. Look at his (or her) eyes and feel that you are one with that creature. Feel your hearts beating, slowly. Allow yourself to be there. Be mindful.

Once this is done, once you learn to merge your philosophy and your practice, you're ready to take the next step, whatever it be

I tell them so, not only because as far as I am concerned, actions speak louder than words. But because they have to be infused with emotions and knowledge, they have to be approached from sentience and awareness.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 586

in {and out} Week 21: Abstract

The way that my photos and my texts mix together to create a consistent unit doesn't change very much every time I undertake this task but it never ceases to amaze me.

I often start with the capture of the image without a preconceived idea in mind about how the final result should be. I only prepare a scene (if I had to respond to this challenge) or let my eye leads me to what can be interesting or appealing and I play with the factors that are at my disposal. Even when I have to promote this mood consciously in the rest of my life, in this specific area it comes to me naturally… maybe because I feel in my element while creating.

Later on, the image suggests me a text that can be related to some recurrent themes or to something completely new. It can happens while I am taking the photo, along the post-processing or when I look at the final product, but I always can feel how a budding story line tries to emerge, how words that share a common thread come to my mind and I prepare myself to express it in writing.

All this process can be quick or can take more time depending on many aspects of it. This time, while I was shooting one picture after another, I was mainly concerned by emphasizing lines, shapes and colors rather than specific forms in order to create an abstract image. It was being a bit challenging but even so, while I was manipulating objects trying new compositions and new ways to focus the lens of the camera, a tiny, incipient, story started to develop.

Seashells were part of my childhood. Not only because I grew up by the sea, but because my father was an avid collector before my birth. In a given moment he got rid of his collections (I don't know exactly why) but there were some pieces at home and my mother preserved it after he passed away.

Looking at this image I can see the abstract creation that the challenge required and also, an abstraction of those early years because it somehow show how his passing (when I was only five years old) affected our lives and in particular, my life.

His death, all the unresolved issues that he left behind (that nobody, not even my mother, knew how to tackle at least not in a healthy way) and the resulting consequences, undermined many things inside me. It was not an immediate event, it happened gradually and insidiously. When I reached adult age I felt totally eroded inside regardless of what might be observed from outside. All the emptiness created by what I had to lose to survive, was filled with anger, and pain and fear.

I had to confront my past to take them outside and now I have all those charming nooks and hidden holes, all those odd angles and unexpected edges. I am learning to appreciate their beauty because it is the only way I have to move forward. 

I am learning to keep them clean, to let the wind and the light go through them, because I don't want them to be blocked again with the anger (or pain or fear) that still come to meet me when life becomes hard. 

I am learning to stay present and in the present, to stop revisiting the past and let go the “whys”, because there is nothing more to analyze, nothing more to be unraveled. 

In short, I am learning to focus on the things I have to complete, on the built-in issues that my story has: patience, tolerance, forgiveness, playfulness, dreams, acceptance… instead of on my need to make things better through demanding (and self-demanding) attitudes.


I am learning... 

I am just learning.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 585

in {and out} Week 20: Yellow

Often the simplest solution can be the best one. Simplicity is a good ally of logical reasoning, of functionality, decision making and problem solving... not to talk about planning, but we insist on forgetting it.

This tendency has to do with the way we have been brought up,  with all the bad habits of the educational system and -obviously- with our ego's vices. This makes us prone to think that simplicity and naturalness don't make a good impression in others and we rather opt for a rehearsed complication.

As an analytical introvert and part of an academic institution which praises affectation and can obscure the easiest things, I have been a very good friend of complexity.

But once I started my inner work simplicity gained relevance... maybe because all the sources I checked considered it extremely important, in fact, it seemed to be an article of faith. To be honest, in the very beginning I found this kind of veneration ridiculous, whys should I choose it when I could opt for intricate thoughts, answers or strategies?.

But I persevered (probably because I also found the concept intriguing) and one day I went across Zen Buddhism and I acknowledged that I had found a tailor-made philosophy. Simplicity started to pervade my thoughts and my way of feeling:

 What could be more appealing than keeping it easy in the presence of life?
What could be more poignant than staying bare, pure while feeling bewildered?
What could be more impressive than acting with ease regardless of paradoxes and confusions?.

Little by little, I started to accept its significance and I realized that it was the ultimate sophistication. I also understood something that before I hadn't even conceived: simplicity is not a response in the face of an entangled life, it is a way to make evident that life is much more simpler than we like to think, it is foreseeable and comprehensible and clear as long as we don't want to change it.

This has been a great lesson. Even so, my old fondness for labyrinthine alternatives still reappears from time to time. Tiny relapses, you know… so I've been a bit embroiled in rambling thoughts about this entry of the project. And then, one morning, two words came to my mind: Lemon Yellow. And these two words clarified it all.

 The simpler, the better.

This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 581

full confidence

I have a personal journal where I mainly write down ideas about projects that I have in mind and I don´t want to forget. I have written many journals along my life most of them were made to reinforce or strengthen self-knowledge and new attitudes, to explore my feelings, but I also used some of them to explain stages of certain plans. However,  this is a bit different: I only write rough drafts, I don´t go deeply into any issue, I don´t add many details, concrete actions or dead-lines.

Considering that I teach projects planning at university, the idea of creating a journal about projects and don´t explain and develop their phases,  is quite difficult to me,  but reduces my need to achieve, my perfectionism and self-demanding attitude. It is an easy way to start without rush or sense of obligation and this -at least in my case- liberates tension and energy and promotes confidence. I only entrust my dreams to Universe and await for instructions (please    don´t tell my students!).

After describing a project I draw a square and I doodle around it. After this I write a question inside it that summarizes its true aim, that often is quite far away from material desires or specific expectations. Guess what? It works. Conditions to develop the projects (in very unique and even inconceivable ways) soon appear and they start to evolve easily  and without setbacks or side effects.

I don´t know exactly why this is happening.  I suppose that there are some moments in our lives when we are yearning for something and after demanding it we obtain exactly what we want without requirements or “traps", just a continuous progress from one stage to another without pain or effort, only joy, calm and a sense of flow. These moments occur when we are deeply aligned with our higher self… when we start to request exactly what makes it visible, instead of what empowers the ego. Once this happens we can evolve through love, communion with grace and a wisdom that goes beyond our own knowledge.

I´ve been finding myself involved in this kind of placid pace since I am keeping this journal. I am sure that it´s not the only reason why this is happening (I have learnt so much lately!) but it has become a sort of symbol of this new sense of alignment, of a new attitude. 

I trust the goodness of this path. I feel that I am learning to move toward my goals in a more relaxed (yet efficient) manner that is also more pleasant... more carefree and cheerful and much more consistent with the person I am right now. And this, my friends, makes me immensely happy.

DAY 573

in {and out} Week 11: Blue

When I started this path I found many advices about the great importance of getting rid of mess disorder, complications etc.

Once I understood the concept, I realized that it went beyond being organized, and insisted on the dangers of continuous accumulation and also, that it was related not only to a physical aspects, but also to emotional and psychological dimensions.

I soon connected it with my personal grow and acknowledged its links with the healing process that I was trying to develop so I added this idea to my inner work. I, little by little, started to check different areas of my life and believe me, I was amazed by the things I discovered.

I found out, behaviors, attitudes and thoughts that were not useful anymore. Old preconceived ideas and beliefs -that once were part of my life- haven´t been discarded and stayed active creating a distorted perspective. I had many prejudices about myself and about how things should be, which were essential in previous stages and had become obstacles. And I uncovered an ancient anger that was undermining all my creative, vital energy.

All that stuff was the material of which my surviving was made; indeed it was part of the strategies I built up in order to deal with my wounds and some traumatic events, but those remaining scraps were just causing weakness and was creating confusion.

While I was focusing my efforts on this analysis, I also discovered the strong link between those patterns and the more tangible (and visible) accumulation and I noticed that if I wanted to cleanse some blockages and accomplishing some goals I had to clear my entire life.

I went through my wardrobes, my drawers and any corner of my home and what I saw clarified not only that link, but also the fact that it went in both directions. As a result, changes in both fronts (inside and outside) were needed.

I accepted that I had to free myself of unwanted or unpleasant things and issues but I realized that I wouldn´t be able to approach that process if I did not accept that I was a true (yet not systematic) collector.

I collected memories, scenes of the past (even when they could be painful), dreams no matter if they were obsolete or unfeasible, fragments of conversations and feelings that could drive me to a concrete moment of my life. I had a great yearning for the past that could have been and did not exist. And last, but not least, I collect any kind of objects, many related to my story, many that tried to evoke the life I wanted.

Becoming aware of this makes also clear that I had to have rule that could help me to distinguish what should be relinquished and what should be kept, because I simply didn´t want to start totally anew.

My rule is extremely simple, and I continue to use it till today: all things (tangible or immaterial) that generate pain, bewilderment self-deception, stagnation, negation... connect me with senses of self-disdain, invalidation, anger and self-pity,  or make me reject my life and my story must be abandoned (or transformed). All things (tangible or immaterial) that promote joy, acceptance, clarity, creativity, a sense of belonging and of being loved, the need to surrender to the present moment, authenticity, generosity and hope, must be preserved. 

I apply it in daily basis and it works. It has led me to give up some obsessions and dear possessions, to radically alter my life and my surroundings, to reinforce (or look for) only what creates beauty inside and around me, what makes me better, what makes me free, what makes me happy.

Color blue, two teapots each of one holds a story, one of my journals, a tiny cup (the only survivor of a group of six), an old serviette made by my mother and a simple, peaceful gaze may seem not to be that important but they allow me to be who I really want to be.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 569

in {and out} Week 8: Small

Right now, I cannot imagine anything better than being me. When I found out the germ of this idea going round in my head I felt very confused. I had been considering myself a work in progress for so long that I couldn´t understand why suddenly I was flirting with that kind of thoughts.

I was not sure at all about what could it mean, so I contemplated many possible explanations: ego, fear, resistance, negation… you name it, all of them aimed at keeping my perception of who I was: someone who should be improved, but, to tell you the truth, no one worked. Every time I explored one of them, a voice whispered “no, no, no” inside me.

This way, that odd conception started to turn into a conviction that I couldn´t ignore. I tried hard to keep myself from noticing it but it prevailed, and I had to accept the fact that I was starting to feel at ease with the person I was. As soon I permitted this sentiment to grow stronger I realized that I was getting rid of my inner emphasis on “self-improvement” that was simply exhausting. And also, that maybe that´s how a real self-esteem should look like.

I still have fears and doubts and room for enhancement and even the need to fight against the same old things and flaws in my character. I still am prone to perfectionism and to anger. I still feel that there are many things in this planet to grieve about. And more times than I would like to admit, I can´t find an ounce of compassion in my heart. But I have come to understand that all this and all the good that I find in me, belong to the same reality.

I don´t ought to be a never-ending battlefield in order to be able to appreciate myself. And this doesn´t make me more arrogant, conceited or vain, only more self-confident in a very particular way.

I know I am a single, small individual amidst the magnitude of world´s problems, global challenges, my own yearnings and the mysteries of the universe.

I know I am just a single, small piece of the complex puzzle of this moment in human history.

I know I am just a single, small soul looking for her path, trying to know how to live a life on purpose while dealing with the vast meaning of this existence.

I know I am just a single, small ship adrift in the huge flood of time...

And even so, I know I am enough.

Even so, I know I count and act accordingly.


I know I count and act accordingly


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

DAY 567

in {and out} Week 6: Love

After a week listening to messages about love I have little to say. Many random facts about love come to my mind once and again but I don´t find them especially illuminating. In fact, most of them are pretty obvious and some a bit confusing or even paradoxical.

Love seems to be the ultimate human aspiration and as result, the ultimate market strategy, and this has created a whole tangle made of preconceived ideas and misconceptions that condition us both mentally and emotionally. We live according a social constructed idea of love that seems contradictory because cannot embrace what love really is.

Trying to live that lineal, pure, perfect (or simply false) version of love is just a deception that is not compatible with our human nature. Love is intrinsically linked to our own story and process and happens in tune with them and the only thing we can do is observing and experiencing it and learning what it has to teach us. Indeed, love is great master.

If we do that, we will see that love is all the things that philosophers, scientists, tradition, publicists and poets have told us… and much more, maybe because it is the most complex human sentiment.

 Love is fierce and bold and radiant and passionate. It is also tolerant and patient and generous and free. It is inevitable but can be cultivated. It´s infectious but cannot be forced. It´s endless but can be killed.  It´s a mess but can be lived consciously. It is boundless but needs bonds. It is unconditional but occurs conditionally.

Love is deeply compassionate. It has to be consistently respectful and kind. It helps us to transcend ego but (if we don´t pay attention) can make us selfish or just a simply puppet.  It is healing force, in particular when we direct its light towards ourselves It´s pure chemistry, brain waves, energy and also a spiritual force.

The list goes on and on and on… love is all and nothing, it is real, but also a mystery and a miracle. It is impossible to define and difficult to interpret, it resists being confined in a simple phrase, being reduced to a single moment but this shouldn´t concern us very much,  because when the good, old, true love come to our lives we always recognize it.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project.  

DAY 564

in {and out} Week 4: Winter selfie

The world outside is always calling us and it seems that we have never enough of it. There is always new events that are about to happen, new places to go, new trends to follow, new people that are worth meeting…

Our curious brain -which is often overly stimulated thanks to market strategies- feels inevitably attracted to it. Our ego that wants always to be in charge finds there the best place to make an impact and stands out. Even our sweet heart, always adventurous, always in the search of love, throws itself into it, yearning for a kindred spirit.

Only the soul remains impassible, reserved… aloof. Only the soul can observe without running after what it offers. Only the soul can analyze and stay balanced. Only the soul cannot be controlled by arrogance, need of approval, resistance and fears. Only the soul knows how to bow down, how to embrace and stay detached, how to live passionately while being serene, quiet.

When we start a process aimed at connecting with our true self, we channel our efforts through what is outside, not from the soul. It may sound paradoxical, but we can only do it this way because we need guidance and feel encouraged by others experiences. However, we must be cautious. As soon we start that journey the ego feels that its power is being questioned and begins a sort of boycott. It can be very evident, but it can also be subtle and the brain and the heart will be involved. Emotions and reasoning will compete or collaborate, sometimes in order to discredit all the process and sometimes to distort its nature making it something that is related to success. As a result, in a given moment, we become avaricious and we lose connection.

Either if we feel disappointed or maybe mesmerized by our own abilities, we are lost in the ego dirty tricks. This can make all our work a bit tedious or irrelevant or frivolous or in short, useless. However, if we don’t give up, finally we´ll realize that there is a tiny part of us that keeps the calm amidst our ups and downs. A tiny part of us that is patient and precise and not easily manipulable and wants to live that experience of being with ourselves in a real way.

I´ve been trying to empower that tiny part of me which doesn´t see all this like an external entertainment and I have learnt that it demands to live in seclusion. It demands silences and pauses and slowness.

This is not the pace of the external world, no matter what its slogans say, that’s why I frequently need to shelter in home… alone with my soul.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project.  

DAY 563

in {and out} Week 3: White

Many persons want to see life in black and white or even only in black or white. Obviously, is much more convenient trying to understand the world from this point of view because by reducing categories having a clear explanation for every circumstance, event or behavior is much simpler. Unfortunately the thing is not that easy and our experiences not always respond to well defined patterns or motivations.

I used to wish to be that kind of person. I used to like to have answers and put my experiences inside a few little boxes which were correctly labeled. I didn´t want the chaos or the uncertainty, the variety of real life. I didn´t want my days to be unpredictable, diverse, so I was always struggling to keep order using strange –reductive- methods to control what indeed was uncontrollable.

Now I am learning to allow life to happen. I am learning to embrace the grey and all the colors between the black and the white. I have come to understand that trying to reduce life to something easy to drive creates biases that ruin the allure of raw reality: when we are always denying, repressing, categorizing and acting accordingly, we forget to enjoy what is wild and extravagant and absurd and unreasonable, all that is unexpected or accidental, the miracles and all the things that we think shouldn´t be here but exist anyway.

This is helping me also to stop altering my own story, past or attitudes… in the end, when one has only a small number of compartments for storing persons, ideas or memories,   the only thing that can be done with our changeable and inconstant life is to create a new version of it more homogeneous, less complex.

This has not driven me to a life of confusion and disorder (as I previously thought). Paradoxically, as soon I let go my old and strict mindset, my calm has increased. I have learned that all colors and nuances exist regardless of my opinion about them, that all are important and have a reason for existing in a given moment.

In short, life is not monochromatic, but today we honor white.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project.  

DAY 562

in {and out} Week 2: Winter

Winter is maybe the hardest season. It is the most austere –so to speak- and forces us to focus on the essence of things. A bare, withered, branch doesn´t caught our attention almost immediately. It is not like a blooming bouquet of flowers or a carpet of red leaves, it hasn´t got their evident allure, it is severe and plain, unadorned, but if we take the time to go beyond appearances and stereotyped ideas about beauty and life (and death), we´ll realize that it is appealing anyway.

Learning to appreciate this kind of bare simplicity has connected me with a more contemplative mood from where I have started to embrace the reality (and the gifts) of life cycles and to accept with humbleness (and even joy) what comes to meet me.

This is helping me to lead a more authentic life which is not oriented only to conquer success or approval but also to self-realization, to the fulfillment of my true potential.

Obviously, acknowledging that life is fleeting, that birth and death happen continuously and this changes it all every single time but doesn´t disrupt the mechanics of this universe is shocking. Coming to the conclusion that the only thing we can do is accepting the loss and its lessons and become ready for the next season is painful. Learning to do it with gratitude, treasuring the sweetest memories and letting go the anger and the bitterness can seem to be improbable… but it is possible. Honoring the process through which detachment occurs by keeping love and compassion in our hearts is indispensable.

Today I know that a new spring will come and with it a new hope will revive. May I never forget what I have learnt along this winter. May the serenity it has brought to my life can endure.



This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project.  

DAY 561

in {and out} Week 1: The start

As a person oriented to achievement I love (and fear) starting new projects. Even if it´s a project aimed at having fun, even if it´s a project shared with a good and loved friend, even if it´s a project that has been expected for a long time… regardless of its importance or transcendence I long for its beginning and I feel frightened of it anyway.

I have come to understand that it happens because I feel every new project (the biggest and the tinniest) as an aptitude test that I had to pass thanks to the perfectionist inside me. And although when this hasn´t prevented me from starting new projects once and again, it has caused me lots of suffering.

However, since I recognized my cognitive biases all this has become much easier. Likewise, my neuron are prone to try old connections and to make me feel overly concerned about ridiculous things but I am learning to ignored them and I am becoming much more benevolent to myself.

I still am an achiever (to be honest, I still am a perfectionist also) but now I don´t let this issues to rule my life despotically. Life is too short to be always in the search for approval or feeling miserable. Life is too short to give up serenity, peace and joy. Life is too short to let the wounds of the past or the expectations about our future define our present. I am too precious to let preconceived ideas and conditionings ruin this day.

So here I am, a bit late, feeling thrilled and a bit unsettled. Here I am the first day of this new project where I will share a photo every week along with my very best friend, Montse Gallardo. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We are planning to share them on our respective blogs. we have created also a Facebook page that you can see following this link and where I will be publushing only in Spanish so far.  I am sure we´ll introduce improvements gradually here and there, but something won´t change: Every Sunday we´ll share a photo of our view of 52 themes that have been previously decided.

So here I am. I can´t wait to see how this project will evolve and now that finally, I have opened my heart to this possibility I can´t wait to start the next chapter.

DAY 558

50

As you may already know it was my 50th birthday past week. As the days have  passed I have started to feel the urge to make a sort of assessment but I was no able to find an appropriate approach.

Finally, this morning I came up with this. They are just fifty random (and immaterial) things that happened to me along my first fifty years of life. They are not logically organized. They don´t summarize all my experiences, either or narrate a complete or coherent story, they are not even the most important or interesting, but they are for sure, some of the more decisive.

 They can seem recent facts or achievements, but they are not because even when I have faced some of them along the last decade they have been present in my life –some way or another- since my earlier years. Indeed I truly believe that this birthday is also a turning point as I have completed and closed many pending things from the past. I hope so. I celebrate it.


1. I have learnt how to deal with my feelings

2. I suffered and have overcome suffering

3. I understood the great importance of setting boundaries

4. I have learnt to love myself to love another

5. I stopped abuse and I liberated myself

6. I healed my past

7. I have developed a personal practice based on spirituality

8. I accepted guidance and asked for what I need

9. I have prayed a lot

10. I made contact with my inner power

11. I have tried to embrace my demons (keep trying)

12. I gave thanks to those tyrants in my life and I am letting them go

13. I have learnt how to live in the present, day after day (even when sometimes I am tempted to give up)

14. I understood that baby steps counts

15. I´ve been wrong about many things

16. I have had to accept the mind-body connections

17. I acknowledged that perfectionism is a way to run away (I am now a recovering perfectionist)

18. I made decisions and then, I forgot them and had to start again but this showed me how to live in process

19. I have forgiven myself for my weaknesses and my naivety and for handing over my own power

20. I understood why I should trust

21. I decided to restore a healthy sense of self

22. I have listened and been listened

23. I have questioned my conditionings

24. I discovered the allure of ordinary things

25. I have had to apologized and this taught me humbleness

26. I have appreciated everydayness almost every single day

27. I have tried to help as much as I can and have been helped a lot

28. I started to run after light

29. I resolved to cultivate mindfulness

30. One day I decided to rely on my soul don´t know exactly how or why

31. I started to consider myself a survivor, nor a victim

32. I have accepted that teaching is the voice of my soul

33. I started to practice authenticity and pay the consequences (all positive in the medium term)

34. I have cherished memories and mementos

35. I am trying to keep my journey (and my inner work) no matter what people said

36. I have laughed

37. I have dreamt a bit (maybe not as much as I have would liked)

38. I have –little by little- spread my wings

39. I have appreciated both calm and storm (I have gotten no choice!)

40. I expected miracles and miracles happened

41. I have loved (and being loved) much

42. I have created so many things… including life that is meaningful to me

43. I have walked my path with a joyful heart most of the days

44. I am internalizing why is so important to abandon those (both circumstances or persons) that try to invalidate me and I am exerting myself to act accordingly

45. I have had great masters

46. I have been arrogant and stubborn. It took me so much to bow down to my destiny, to love this life of mine as it is, but I am learning to do it

47. I have met kindred souls

48. I have learned to hear the messages of the spirit

49. I am realizing that I have to tame my ego if I want to be happy

50. I have come to understand that finally everything had to be exactly as it was

DAY 556

insight

When I first started this journey I used to have so many expectations. So many beliefs about all the things that I had to change, achieve, conquer or demonstrate

I used to have so many preconceived idea. So many beliefs about what would make me happy or proud of myself or pleased with my life.

I used to have so many prejudices. So many beliefs about what kind of experiences were worth living, what kind problems were worth thinking about, what kind of behaviors would increase my self-worth

I used to have so many opinions. So many beliefs about myself, about my own importance, my past, my future, my present, my life.

I used to have so many needs. Need to do the right thing, need to fit, need to be approved, need to be loved, need to be perfect, need to be forgiven, excused and also, compensated

I thought that my inner work would prove that I was right, would give me the power to success and to achieve self-satisfaction, the ability to make unquestionable decisions, would make me be more valuable… better than others, I thought that maybe it would redeem me but it has showed me that I was totally wrong.

It has showed me that my expectations, preconceived ideas, prejudices, opinions and needs were useless. Finally I am learning that life doesn´t have to be mended. Indeed, every moment is sacred.

Finally I am realizing that joy is an option, not a privilege.  I am understanding  the rationale of this existence which is a gift, a miracle, not something meant to be controlled, explained.

Finally I am admitting that I am (have ever been) a radiant being, that love and light are (have ever been) by my side.  And  I have come to the conclusion that  I can  trust this process,   universe´s guidance and my own inner voice.

Finally I am grounded in acceptance.


Please note, I have updated my gratitude page this week, if you want to have a look follow this link

DAY 555

blessed

When I first started to look for answers I explored many paths but after some time, I started to came across the same ideas and advices repeatedly no matter where I searched for. I found out that the rudiments of any rewarding life were: forgiveness, gratitude, acceptance, kindness (to ourselves and others), attention and compassion. Retrospectively, I can see that the recurrence of those words marked the beginning of my journey.

According to my readings, those six words compiled the essential elements that any person would need to experience a new vision of his or her existence, of its sacred meaning. They would allow me to awake to the real sense of life by feeling connected to something bigger than me and recovering my sense of belonging. Those six words would help me to heal.

I was so exhausted, lost and in need of guidance that I was ready to try almost anything, (indeed the way I felt was the prime reason of my hunt) but it happened that those words resonated deeply with me.

Time has proved my intuition to be true. Those words have been my keys to unlock all the beauty that now is present in my life and to liberate my soul.

I have been exploring them in the same order just like I have written them here. And even when now they are not single threads anymore, but form a sort of weave, firstly I learnt about them and tried to internalize their basic lessons one by one. I didn´t decide this ahead, it just happened thanks to the way my inner work was developing, as if a secret (or higher) plan already existed… I just followed the sings: the title of a book here and there, a new author mentioned somewhere, a site that caught my attention, a phrase on an article which was otherwise useless, an advice of a friend or just a loose word that seems significant.

Obviously, their meaning has become much deeper as they have been woven together along my own journey but each word alone contains multiple connotations and a complexity that make it quite interesting although not easily approachable.

Of course, I am still dealing with them as a whole and individually and I am also adding new words to the list. This is still a work in progress and I think it will be a long life process but I am seeing great advances. I cannot believe how much I have changed and progressed since I started. I cannot believe the sense of peace and serenity that now goes with me everywhere. I cannot believe how happy I am now with myself for not a particular reason, just for being me. I cannot believe how much I enjoy life now. How much I can appreciate and celebrate.

I have found a way of living that suits my inner yearnings, that is enriching, nourishing, makes me feel happy, healed, while it allows me to realize my own potential. And that, dear friends, is priceless.


PS: In November I´ll be celebrating gratitude. I´ll post a weekly post on my gratitude page and will share with you all the things I am grateful for, but I wanted to start the series honoring my own process in particular, all the things I have learned thanks to this blog and by sharing with you my thoughts. Thanks so much!

DAY 553

treasuring delicacy

Going through this life is not that easy sometimes.  We can change and learn but certain things will continue to happen, things that often hit us in our frailest side. That´s the reason why is important to be ready to accept our own fragility and act consequently.  

Along the years I have realized (and internalized) that most of my inner work is  aimed at healing early wounds, but till recently I have not acknowldeged that the soft tissue that I am creating by fixing those wounds is not strong enough to bear some kind of impacts.

It has taken me time to admit it. I used to think that I was fixing things  in order to  become invulnerable,  but I have come to understand  that I am just learning to deal with my own vulnerability (I am  indeed,  embracing it) and to improve my resilience, I am not  chasing perfection.   

I have had to reconcile with the truth of my story  before reaching that kind of acceptance.  I have had to stop trying to compensate my past, stop trying to be immune, unaffected by the act of living. In short, I have had to see myself as I really am: injured, strong, prone to struggle, brave but also sensitive to all the things that can drain my energy, to any form of abuse, still delicate, still liable to suffer danger.

After  reaching  this stage, I realized that I can love myself.  Now I know that I have  not to feel  ashamed by that, I have  not to feel guilty, I have  not to feel  a looser. I have fought against fear and anger and pain and the lack of connection  and I have won.  So I have  to be confident and proud, but also (and this makes a whole difference) gentle and tender with the person I really am.

I am learning to remember what can increase my power and resistance and  what can steal them;  what can increase my joy  and self-esteem and what can destroy them; what can make me feel more competent and what can make me feel inept,  and by accepting this (even when it may sound paradoxical)  I am honoring my vulnerable side instead of considering it a weakness,  of considering myself broken.

This new approach (that is all about daring to be open, visible, real)   is making me feel even healthier  and it´s allowing me to transform myself in a way that I thought was not possible.  

Of course, I am experiencing a sense of lose (I´ve been so attached to my ideas about  strength and success, of being completely immaculate and undaunted!!), but also, I am setting free  a great amount of blocking energy  while  permitting those preconceived ideas to fall down. 

Maybe they were appealing long ago, but now I need  to expose myself to the danger of being authentic. And it feels good.

DAY 551

waveless (again)

I´ve been dealing with some major issues related to anger lately. Well, to be honest, I am always dealing with that kind of issues some way or another, even without noticing, so it would be more accurate to say that my anger has been out of control lately.

I know the reason why this happens. It is my main response to my own vulnerability, the first emotion that emerges when I have to face everyday problems (and even other emotions caused by them), so it´s hardly surprising that when those problems increase my ability to keep it under control seems to decrease.

Anger is an instinctive response to a stimulus that later on can be  elaborated (unconsciously) as aggressivity, frustration, coolness, resentment or even apathy. This creates many different behaviors that sometimes cannot even been related to anger (from outside) but are caused by it. We are prone to think that anger would be expressed in a violent way but this is not always the case. I can also appear as complaints, distance, victimism or passiveness. 

When we manage well this emotion it can be considered a call to action and we can promote behaviors related to change,  justice, equity and balance. In short, anger (and every and each emotion we can feel) warns us when something is not working.

I have come to understand why anger is my main emotion. It has to do with my own story, my character and my mind frames and also with feeling it quicklier than other emotions. As a result, I have learnt a few things:

- My anger comes from an old source, and old wound that is not easy to heal but the more I am aware of it, the more I can contribute to do it.

- Feeling anger for such a long time has distorted my emotional response and the way I see life but the more I am aware of it, the more I can apply a safety factor -so to speak- in order to correct this.

- Anger is not good, nor bad. It is just an emotion. It is what I do with my anger what can be dangerous or insane. The more I am aware of it, the more I can use anger as a wake up call. It is what is causing it and what I do afterwards what counts.

- When something very stressful appears in my life, I am prone to forget what I have stated above. When pain hits me, when I feel not safe, when lose or sorrow are chasing me, I often forget all what I have learnt about this topic. I stop being prudent and -little by little- I immerse myself in anger as a way to bear what I am experiencing. The more I am aware of this, the more I can overcome this situation.

- When awareness is not enough and I find myself letting my thoughts be ruled by anger, I feel guilty. This -obviously- does not help at all. The more I am aware of it, the more I can forgive myself and start anew again.

Right now I am going through some circumstances that are testing me. I have talk here about the complicated situation at university, but I have not said that three of my work mates, that are also very close girl friends, are struggling against cancer at this moment. It all has happened along the last two years and I can hardly explain what going to work -knowing that they are not there anymore- has meant to me this September.

I´ve have shared more than twenty years of my working and personal life with them and the emptiness I feel is indescribable. It´s like a hole and it has been filled with anger as I was trying to accept the situation and not feeling so sad and scared.

I am not angry because they are ill.  I am angry because I am stressed and anxious and disconsolate and I find no way to express it beautifully. Because this is the only way I have to say to myself how sorrowful and downhearted I am. Maybe, because I prefer to feel angry than heartbroken (hope this makes sense).

So at this moment I am precisely at the last points of my previous list. I am trying to forgive myself because I have let the anger be the way I connect with my feelings (even when after all this is good);  to forgive myself for not been able to manage it adequately after a long period of balance.

I am trying to be benevolent with myself too,  and step by step a fragile sense of calm is returning while I shed my tears, while I allow myself to feel deeply afflicted, to acknowledge that I´ve been haunted with fear.

While I opt for thankfulness and surrendering once more...

DAY 550

an awkward revelation

I don´t mind to admit that often my heart breaks into pieces.

No matter what my mind rationally argues or what I said to myself about the essence of life; what advices I can receive or look for; how deeply I go into my practice; how neatly I try to stay present, meditate or re-focus myself on what is important.

No matter if I am diligent or lazy when the time to accept my emotions comes, if I embrace or neglect them.

All those thing start to be important later on,  when I start to deal with causes and consequences but none of them prevent my heart from falling apart when I have to face up the nature of this existence.

Maybe it would be cooler or more alluring try to pretend that I am beyond all the mundane wishes and yearnings or the perplexity caused by what indeed is natural, but this wouldn´t be true to my real self.

When pain, violence, injustice, abandonment, negligence, abuse, solitude, fragility hit me, right in that  same moment,  I feel how new fissures appear in my heart. They are caused by sorrow, caused by anger.

I have learnt to fix them. To gather the scraps and keep them together when the rupture is too serious. I have learnt to live with this cracked, fragmented, heart and come to understand that all this comes from empathy and compassion (that often go unnoticed due to the fact that I am an introvert).

It is not easy to live with a brittle heart. It can create negativity and disappointment or a false sense of detachment and a lack of concern. Consequently, it is important to consciously cultivate resilience and hope and joy and of course, courage in order to act according to what the heart is feeling. It is crucial also, try not to toughen it (even when we can be tempted to do it) because healing cannot be originated through indifference.

As far as I am concerned that kind of balance is essential because when things fail to move us, grief gains ground, insanity starts to rule and all things good can be corrupted.