DAY 598

autumn's finds

November must be one of my favorite months. There is something in the air, in the light, in the weather that always changes my mood. Even this year, even only after five days. It is already working its magic.

I have gone through many stages along my process of mourning. Indeed I have gone through all the stages of loss and grief many times, and I have started the whole process all over again at least three times, or even more. It was my response to the consecutive death of a dear friend, my sweet cat and another best friend in the space of six months. It was also my response to my own impotency.

It may seem a cliché after all the texts and information existing about them, but I have found myself coming and going from one stage to another during all this year, although coping with my pain has been a deeply personal experience. I am still far from a total acceptance. I still experience anger and sadness, but I have now many moments of calm and gratitude. As I have not experienced the stages in the order that they are usually listed (denial, anger, bargaining , depression and acceptance), I have always had them, but now  -since mid October or so- they are much more consistent.

Nevertheless, one of the things I have been longing for -even in the best days- has been the sense of joy and illusion that was part of my nature. Even being an analytical introvert, even when I have gone through many difficult times along my life, I have had always an active, venturesome and proactive attitude. Regardless of sadness or pain, I always found a reason for living: a new project, a new dream, a new challenge… but not this time. This time, I have felt that this little spark inside me was fading. I have felt that life could be futile... that maybe my spirit was giving up.

But November's energy is blowing on that little flame and I am starting to feel its warmth inside my chest again. And with it, a new life is emerging. A new being is appearing. A new strength is taking form. A new future is coming into focus.

All this is still a bit blurred, fragile. I still have bad days. I still have many bad days, indeed. But the beat is unmistakable. And with the beat a call comes. It is a call for new things. It is a call for boldness. I have always wanted to break the boundaries that keep me safe inside an academic context. I have always wanted to share my learnings, but doubts have undermined my confidence. However, –after all this year- I have come to the conclusion that I have nothing to lose. I used to think in terms of “what if”. But now I am thinking in terms of “so what”.

Shall I dare to do what my heart desires?. I hope so . The vertigo that I experienced when I faced the possible lack of sense is becoming a new motivation (not sure how). And I know I have a few kind helpers up there... in the heaven... among the stars. 


windrock studio said...

Oh, thank goodness! I love hearing that beautiful November is blowing on that little flame ... I am rooting for you and know there is a place for hope to reside close to that flame. Keep the faith, dear friend.

Maery Rose said...

I like the turn to thinking to "so what." I am familiar with not feeling I can get that spark that usually carries me through back.Sometimes I think I just have to go through the grieving first, as much as I don't like spending much time there because it can feel like it will never end. I'm glad you are beginning to feel your flame return and share in the sentiments Susan expressed.

Shaharoh said...

Understanding and dealing with death is something my brother and I talk about. When my loved ones or people I know pass on, I retreat to a space that is lonely and dark. Then I call my brother and realize that he feels the same way and that makes me feel like I'm not alone anymore. It is nice to hear November is getting those embers to burn again. "So what" is such a great outlook.

Donna@LivingFromHappiness said...

Pure magic here in your post....such loss and new life found there....it has taken me many years to move in this direction and you inspire me to keep going.

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