DAY 365+133

after Christmas

I love this time of the year, I love feeling generous and willing to be at ease regardless of past fears and sadness and anger. I experience it as a sort of rebirth every single year (!), maybe because I celebrate my birthday the Christmas Eve, but it is not a facile time to me. It makes me feel easily overwhelmed with expectations about how things could be (yes, I know...).

Latest years I´ve been cultivating a sort of detachment and trying to let go my idea of what a Christmas celebration should be. Not because I think that usual Christmas celebration is not desirable, or beautiful, but because it really doesn´t fit my life circumstances and makes me suffer. According to this I´ve been abandoning complicated preparations, sophisticated meals, crowded meetings, extended family meals, Christmas cards and greeting, expensive presents and shopping.

I am learning to live it as a personal mood that I can experience -and enjoy- inside me, or along with those who share my new perspective. At this moment of my life I am choosing to express what Christmas means to me in a more discreet and unadorned way. Christmas has always been to me a time where I can make a difference, where I can explore consciously the divinity who lives also inside me, what makes me to feel at peace with myself and others, a time to celebrate light, but I have always wanted to stuff my feelings  into the traditional celebration and it hasn´t  worked fairly well. After much pain I accepted that alternative habits could work better but it has taken me time to accept, change and re-create my Christmas.

I am still on the way but this Christmas I have experienced much more peace and happiness than before and this is an excellent indicator. As this is a work in progress, I have not a complete set of instructions, but I would like to share some of the things that are helping me:

Breaking some rules (or most of them)

Cultivating frugality (but not avarice)

Dismissing insane customs (even when they are old and dear to me or my family)

Buying only things that can be useful or are beautiful (or are really surprising)

Practicing mindfulness

Being generous not only with money but with time and love

Keeping a joyful mood

Letting go drama and perfectionism

Looking for wonder (and living it)

Being true to myself and to the way I conceive Christmas

Doing things that I wouldn´t usually do just because the moment demands it (I am not talking about sacrifice, I am talking about being less rigid, more spontaneous)

Giving new meaning to old habits (and keep only what can be meaningful)

Creating new traditions (that can be interwoven with the old one) and new memories

I know this will help me throughout the years ahead to create a kind of celebration that will make my heart and my soul feel pleased, I am so happy to have started this new path!...

Blessing to you all. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas.

DAY 365+123

on the safe side

Our back and our front are our obverse and our reverse and what we choose to show indicates our attitude. 

Here I am, with my back turned to the whole world, facing toward my own path, and not because I am impolite or inconsiderate, but because I need to survive, evolve and emerge and now I know this is the only way I can do such things. 

Here I am, with my back turned to conditionings, other´s criticisms, negative energy, the unfair rules, the polarized thought, the absurd categories, the unjustified pain... and to abuse, and manipulation and lies.

Here I am, facing forward, to the place where the persons who love me know that I´ll dwell, where compassionated support takes place, where confidence can be claimed and wounds mended, where creativity, and faith and joy reinvent themselves every single day.

Here I am…

I am still updating my self-portraits page, you can see them here

DAY 365+122

the wise self

Many things have moved along October inside and outside me. Some circumstances that have been at a standstill along the whole year (or more) seem to be guided into positive channels and are making me see some light at the end of the tunnel.

On the other hand, some old patterns that I´ve been dealing with,  are little by little fading away and I feel that I have been set free. Of course, many things stay the same (some of them for my own good, not all) but even when I face those that I don´t like, I feel a sort of detachment. Anger has almost gone away and I have realized that I am fighting less and am more prone to embrace what comes to meet me. 

All those things together are making me feel much more creative. But also much more balanced, motivated and proactive. And focused. And confident. 

However from time to time I doubt. From time to time I think that maybe there is a hidden catch in this mood. From time to time a whispering voice inside me says:

Who do you think you are? Why do you think you deserve to feel this tranquility? Why do you think you´re good enough to dare to be different, to feel safe, to experience joy? Have you ever thought that maybe you´re neglecting what is really important? And for a moment I feel just a pretender. 

That´s not new, you know. We all have that part of us which maybe trying to protect ourselves or warranting our survival and others approval, ruins our greatness and quite often all the fun. But now that speech only lasts a few seconds, because the wise self that also resides inside me doesn´t remain silent or muttering tremblingly. On the contrary,  It shouts, and claims and vindicates and repeats a tiny mantra aimed at reminding me the kind of person I am (I want to be) now: 

honor your uniqueness


PS: This is my October´s Photo-Heart Connection. I took a photo of the above mentioned phrase that I wrote down in my agenda (almost without noticing it) while I was updating it. I like the way this reminders catch me while I am leafing through it.

DAY 365+121

shared nap

I am learning to rest more and make less. This is being a great challenge to me because planning things, assuming responsibilities and achieving goals is the way I assess my merits. As I am writing this, I am realizing that maybe it makes you think I have an hectic schedule that doesn´t allow me to enjoy things, undertake relaxing activities or devote time to myself. And that´s not true. Sure enough, I have a busy schedule but I also manage to keep on with my job, my inner work, develop creative tasks, or having quality time with my family and friends. It is a matter of priorities. 

I usually find time to do everything I am determined to do, even appreciating the ordinary moments. The secret is simple: I don´t do things that I don´t consider important in a given moment and I don´t stop. In fact, I move from one activity to another following an endless program which is not always explicit (it´s in my mind) and includes many levels, areas and tasks and I have not time to get bored.

Don´t get me wrong, I am an inquisitive and introspective person and once I learned that I have to deal with my self-demanding attitude, this never-ending agenda pleases me and gives me a sense of fulfillment. But even so, I am learning to rest more and make less.

And rest, in this context, means making room for having unplanned moments, moments where I permit myself to be set adrift, following the pace of the day without duties and even without wishes or dreams, without expectations at all. Just listening what life has to tell me, just observing what comes to meet me, the hidden chances… and what is more important, feeling myself and noticing my body and all the sensorial information that I have been ignoring till now.

It is not being that easy. To be honest, it is being tough. However I continue to try it. Let me tell you why:

I find that those “blank moments” -where I don´t check my (real or mental) lists, where I am not concerned about being productive (in de widest and nicest sense of the word), where I only feel challenged to be and breath-  allow all the things I consider sacred to settle down and to be even more present in my life, and this makes me preserve the strength and the focus, feel more grounded and balanced.

So here I am. Learning to rest more and make less. Starting to keep in step with life.

DAY 365+91

the fruits ahead 

After some struggles -and some recent discouragement- my inner work is leading me to a new point. It is not related to new finds or any kind of discoveries but to the feeling that now I am ready to radically change my behavior. I am not talking about my mind frames or how I look at the world or even my attitudes which have been gradually changing along these years, but about my behaviors, the way I act, the way I make decisions

My journey has unfolded through tiny (yet forceful) revelations that have given me a vision that I didn´t even know that could exist. But becoming aware of another reality beyond what I used to call reality hasn´t altered my way of acting all of a sudden

In fact, my inner work (which is all about paying attention to what happen around me and inside me using different tools) hasn´t lead me to act consequently all the time. Often I have felt that I couldn´t translate all the knowledge and inner wisdom into the right actions. These contradictions have mortified me but I have persevered and  it seems that I am reaching a new level of coherence

From some time now (two weeks or so) I am having the feeling that my behavior is pervaded with all those tiny revelations. Also that my mind, my emotions, my body and my inner being are finally coming to a point of agreement and pacific coexistence... maybe because I can keep my practice no matter what happens around

You may guess what kind of revelations I am talking about... well, revelations like these:

I am not alone

The more I expect, the more I suffer . The more preconceived ideas I have, the more difficult I find acceptance. And acceptance is the gateway to serenity

Intentions without actions are useless. But acting demands often going with the flow

Perfection is a deception. I don´t need to control anything (nor fix anything). I simply can let things happen and let life unfolds freely

Harsh criticism and self-criticism are dangerous. We are all gifted someway. Comparisons are useless. Kindness empowers.

There is something eternal and amazingly wise inside me, that is indeed my true self. And is important to trust the inner voice that talk me about that side of my existence

When I bow down to my destiny, I start to get what I want even without having a clear plan. Things just happen

My story is important but my wounds can´t be a excuse to stop evolving. Drama only brings me to a dead end

I can say yes to others and yes to myself. My priorities and wishes are also important. I can attract the right circumstances in order to realize them

When I feel compassion I connect myself to the whole creation. Pleasing others is not the way to fulfillment, but service is the way to enlightenment

Regardless of what happen around me, I can always be back to my center... 

a place where calm dwells

DAY 365+86

sightless

Past weeks have completely drained my energy. As usual, after the end of the academic course I got sick, not as much as previous years, but I felt like if I was having a bad flu, when indeed I wasn´t. I was just tired 

Now after weeks correcting the papers of my students and doing assessment seminars with them, apart from suffering a persistent hacking cough, my brain seems to be empty and many ideas (in particular those related to summer break) have flown away

The way that university works makes me wonder if this effort is useless. There many things more important (the kind of things which I am not interested in) than teaching. This may sounds paradoxical as I work in a teaching institution, but this is the true. Teaching seems to be a necessary evil so to say, but not something really valuable. Of course, this is not the official speech, but this is what I feel based on what I see around

Indeed, according to my experience, this is a chronic problem of university: there are many experts coexisting there, who are producing knowledge but many of them don´t know how to communicate it or make it relevant. They present information but don´t deal with the teaching-learning process in depth

I decided long ago that I was not going to be that kind of teacher and my students (who are often frustrated) are usually happy with me but when I want to fulfill my external job requirements and my own self-demands, I always end up taking on too much and getting sick. On the other hand, when I try to opt for some of them, this makes me feel sicker, if possible and not that efficient

The thing is that according to university I have to teach, research, write and publish, be part of the organization and deal with management tasks, be part of the community, study new skills etc. and according to myself, I have to develop my classes and treat my students in a very specific way, which involves almost exclusive dedication, but most of the times I find difficult to be responsible and true to myself and stay centered and present in the rest of my life

I am not complaining, I know many other teachers that are facing the same dilemma than me and anyway I am acting accordingly my beliefs but from time to time, I think that maybe I should try to find a happy medium

This issue has become more relevant to me since I am developing this inner journey because it is about balance, but also about authenticity , faithfulness to my own vision and acceptance. When I published the final acts of my students a week ago or so, I had the feeling that I have to examine in detail my attitudes and refine my behaviors

Right now I have doubts about my motivations, the appropriateness of my decisions, the impact of them on my professional life, about the way I use my time, the goals and boundaries that I am setting. I feel that I don´t fit properly in the place where I work, I feel alone. I feel abandoned and even misunderstood and invisible. I am not clear about what is really happening, but I have realized that I´ve been blind to many facts that are affecting me deeply

I am a teacher at heart and this won´t never change. But it´s time to re-think , to re-build, to re-arrange… it´s time to reclaim my place and vindicate myself

DAY 365+76

this place

So here I am again, in this same place , after a busy, exhausting and stormy week 

Here I am, alone, trying to clear my mind and bring back some peace to my heart, to soften the ridges of my thoughts that are revolving the same issues, trying to calm down my anger, to let go my disappointments... and to recover serenity

Here I am, alone, in this same place metaphorically (and literally) speaking

Here I am, alone, in this place of inner bewilderment. I would have said -just a week ago- that I am too old already to feel perplex, maybe not too old to feel wounded, but too old to feel puzzled. I would have said that nothing about human behavior could take me by surprise after all the things I have lived myself, after all the things I have read and listened. Oh, how naive!. Indeed, after a week of meetings with my co-workers aimed at arrange next academic course, I am totally amazed (and believe me, not in the best sense of the word) 

I am also annoyed and a bit distressed. This is not so strange; those meetings usually have that effect on my mood. But this huge astonishment is new, maybe because we have reached new (and unbelievable) levels of verbal and psychological aggression

Here I am, trying to find out the reasons why we have reached that point. Trying to persuade myself to keep the faith in what I do (in teaching) regardless those battles... but is not easy

Here I am, alone, in this place of self-purification. Trying to cleanse my soul, trying to purge the ire, to filter the waste of acrimony that past week has left inside me. Here I am, in this place of self-acknowledgement. Trying to pull out by the roots the "should" and the "could", even when a little voice inside me is wondering how I am going to survive and keep my professional dignity without them

Here I am, alone, in this place of self-confession. Trying to figure out how I am going to deal with these new evidences of indifference and where is the subtle distinction between acceptance and becoming myself an indifferent person

Here I am, inhaling peace, exhaling sadness; inhaling hope, exhaling failed expectations; inhaling clarity, exhaling frustration

Finally, answers come: 

If you are not doing (or experiencing) what you want, then learn to want what you´re doing (or experiencing) and all the things this involves, except when by trying this your essence ends up damaged, when this causes your soul pain. You don´t need to want what breaks your wings and ruins your gifts. You don´t need to want what scares away your bliss

Loving what is really means get real about life and yourself, means learning the lessons and trying to get ahead if necessary, it doesn´t mean delighting in suffering or coming to a standstill because of your (often justified) expectations. You must let the world and people be as they are and act accordingly 

I inhale and exhale once more time

Maybe is time to turn this page. Maybe is time to move on. Again

DAY 365+35

relative position

I usually valued the place I was taking up in the world based on the opinions of other persons. The positive or negative feedback of those persons (and even the lack of feedback) entailed a message about the love they´re willing to give me, and to be more precise, about the love I deserved

This made me start a maniac dance where I was following others movements,  and my actions were responses to their appreciation (I have written about this many times on this blog) 

I just wanted to achieve their esteem,  but the thermometer that should have measured the love in my life indeed was measuring judgments, praises and criticism. And either if the others were aware of this circumstance or not, this created a vicious circle: they started to be highly demanding... and I couldn´t stop pleasing them because that made me feel that I wasn´t good enough

In other words, the space from where I was making decisions was outside me and this simply was destroying me

When I understood this personal dynamic I started to reflect on it, and my inner work started to be aimed at this issue. I realized what I was doing and I accepted that I had to change my attitude and to struggle to define my behaviors and motivations much more clearly

That was fine, but I didn´t achieve some success till I was not able to invert my starting premises. I stopped blindly believing that I had to please others in order to be loved, and I started to consider the following:

Maybe I don´t have to please others to be loved
Maybe they will be able to love me even when I do things according to my own perspective
Maybe they don´t have to love me because I am doing this or that
Maybe they will only love me if they want to do it
Maybe they would love me regardless of my exhausting efforts (!)
Maybe I can be loved for no reason
Maybe I could love others without expecting their love
Maybe I could stop manipulating them and let them do whatever they want regarding their love for me
Maybe I could change my mind, and start to do things just because I love them
Maybe I could stop making things I don´t want to make because I assume other persons want me to do it and try to know what they really want
Maybe I could stop acting in response to others demands and learn to say NO to what I don´t like...

Maybe I could start to please myself, to undertake projects that make me love myself a bit more, to start to say YES to my own feelings and needs

In the moment I internalized this habit, the decision making automatically changed from outside to inside. This happened quickly and was effective

Now when my inner dialogue leads me to wish to find out what to do to please someone, I start this "inversions". They set me free from my unhealthy tendency and helps me to value the place I am taking up in the world based on my own opinions and feelings... based on a growing sense of dignity


Note: The book Love what is by Byron Katie, has helped  me to develop this process

DAY 365+31

seven letters, 365 days

I find really captivating choosing one word for the year. Indeed I´ve been doing such thing along the past six years or so and I´ve loved the results. Even when I write also some resolutions, having a word is wonderful because it works like a filter through which I can analyze the experiences of the year or make some of them come to light 

My word for 2013 is respect

This year I want my relationships with others living beings, with myself and with my context to be much more respectful in a balanced sense of the word

I´ll try not to criticize or censure others behaviors and I am not going to bring them out of the consequences of their acts. I´ll let them live their own process

I´ll try to consider others diversity, without giving up my own difference

I´ll show an attitude of esteem towards others feelings, but without forgetting my own sentiments

I´ll try not to permit any behavior that enables abuse to continues in my family or my work, not by changing others,  but by changing myself and my levels of tolerance

I´ll set steady and healthy boundaries 

I´ll  honor my own needs, my own perspectives, my own wishes and dreams. I am not going to pass them over, because I am too busy taking care of any other person, except of me 

I´ll  honor my own truth. I am not going to hide it or sweetened it because I yearn for others approval. Indeed, I am not going to look for it anymore

I´ll  pay proper attention to what happens around me and inside me: I´ll try to stay connected to nature cycles, hear universe messages, be kind to my body, stay true to my values and follow my soul´s call

I´ll try not to permit anything that could damage my self-confidence in any way and I´ll cultivate self-respect


Note: This is the final installment of my self portrait challenge, 48 selfies over 12 months. I will talk about this journey soon. If you want to see them all follow this link