DAY 573

in {and out} Week 11: Blue

When I started this path I found many advices about the great importance of getting rid of mess disorder, complications etc.

Once I understood the concept, I realized that it went beyond being organized, and insisted on the dangers of continuous accumulation and also, that it was related not only to a physical aspects, but also to emotional and psychological dimensions.

I soon connected it with my personal grow and acknowledged its links with the healing process that I was trying to develop so I added this idea to my inner work. I, little by little, started to check different areas of my life and believe me, I was amazed by the things I discovered.

I found out, behaviors, attitudes and thoughts that were not useful anymore. Old preconceived ideas and beliefs -that once were part of my life- haven´t been discarded and stayed active creating a distorted perspective. I had many prejudices about myself and about how things should be, which were essential in previous stages and had become obstacles. And I uncovered an ancient anger that was undermining all my creative, vital energy.

All that stuff was the material of which my surviving was made; indeed it was part of the strategies I built up in order to deal with my wounds and some traumatic events, but those remaining scraps were just causing weakness and was creating confusion.

While I was focusing my efforts on this analysis, I also discovered the strong link between those patterns and the more tangible (and visible) accumulation and I noticed that if I wanted to cleanse some blockages and accomplishing some goals I had to clear my entire life.

I went through my wardrobes, my drawers and any corner of my home and what I saw clarified not only that link, but also the fact that it went in both directions. As a result, changes in both fronts (inside and outside) were needed.

I accepted that I had to free myself of unwanted or unpleasant things and issues but I realized that I wouldn´t be able to approach that process if I did not accept that I was a true (yet not systematic) collector.

I collected memories, scenes of the past (even when they could be painful), dreams no matter if they were obsolete or unfeasible, fragments of conversations and feelings that could drive me to a concrete moment of my life. I had a great yearning for the past that could have been and did not exist. And last, but not least, I collect any kind of objects, many related to my story, many that tried to evoke the life I wanted.

Becoming aware of this makes also clear that I had to have rule that could help me to distinguish what should be relinquished and what should be kept, because I simply didn´t want to start totally anew.

My rule is extremely simple, and I continue to use it till today: all things (tangible or immaterial) that generate pain, bewilderment self-deception, stagnation, negation... connect me with senses of self-disdain, invalidation, anger and self-pity,  or make me reject my life and my story must be abandoned (or transformed). All things (tangible or immaterial) that promote joy, acceptance, clarity, creativity, a sense of belonging and of being loved, the need to surrender to the present moment, authenticity, generosity and hope, must be preserved. 

I apply it in daily basis and it works. It has led me to give up some obsessions and dear possessions, to radically alter my life and my surroundings, to reinforce (or look for) only what creates beauty inside and around me, what makes me better, what makes me free, what makes me happy.

Color blue, two teapots each of one holds a story, one of my journals, a tiny cup (the only survivor of a group of six), an old serviette made by my mother and a simple, peaceful gaze may seem not to be that important but they allow me to be who I really want to be.


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project.