Often I yearn for vacuity and I would like to feel a sense of nothingness.
I feel filled with thoughts, emotions, sensations. I look at my house and see all the stuff that I have been collected along the years and I feel disgusted. I look at myself and I wish an even more austere image.
I dream of living in bare spaces, with clear lines and only a few objects. I dream of having a bare mind, focused on only one thing at a time, free of conditionings.
I dream of living with a bare heart, without any fear, open. I dream of having a bare style, wear only black and banish all the accessories.
Oh... how simple life could be this way!
But I am thinking that maybe this could be another preconceived idea about how life should be. I have gone deep inside me and I´ve realized that maybe this is another (and brand-new) way to punish myself now that I am developing this journey aimed at acceptance. Now that I have accepted so much and healed so much, I feel odd being happy with myself (yes, I know...) and I have to look for new things to mend.
First I was not so beautiful, maybe not so stylish, not so refined and not so charming; not so generous or not so worthy of love (you name it)... and now that I am barely starting to accept that this was not true, I am telling myself that maybe I am not spiritual enough. Somehow, I keep on craving for being perfect or accepted or loved and I am sure that reaching that level of simplicity or any other thing won´t give me any peace.
In fact, this is not about being this or that, it´s about letting go the yearnings, about stop wishing that things could be any other way and forgetTing others approval. It´s about cultivating inner detachment that is related to prejudices and expectations and a vast acceptance whose true dimension I am only starting to see. It´s about being fully aware of what is happening outside and inside me every single moment of the day and going through it without fighting it, acknowledging what it means.
According to this, emptiness itself it´s not good or bad (obviously, it can be a way for some persons -including myself- to feel closer to the inner self) but if I use it in a given moment to reproduce the old (and insane) patterns it´s telling me something about my own process and challenges me to go deep into it.
I am starting to understand we only can go over our own soul´s path (which is unique and is not described in any recipe or protocol) by listening what life is trying to tell us and by being true to ourselves. There are as many ways of enlightenment as persons in this world.