I think often about all the things I have lived. About all the things that are not going to be back no matter my expectations or longings because they are gone, lost in the weave of time.
Things that often I gave for granted or I appreciated badly just because I thought that the plot of my story would be different and I was not aware of how life can change unexpectedly, how fast days can go by, how chaos and loss are always chasing us. Just because I was not able to understand that order, stability and predictability are just illusions.
When I think about all those things, I feel sorry for myself, yes, I do. This happens because now that I am wise enough to live more in the present I can realize all the things I have overlooked in the past. As a result I grieve for all the tiny moments I ignored and all the opportunities I wasted by feeling miserable or sad or angry or looking for a new day, a new challenge, a new achievement, a new praise.
Of course, this may sound paradoxical: the goal of living in the present is not mourning for the past, but I can´t help it and I am not sure that I want to do it.
Thinking of all the chances that I won´t have again makes me feel a bit sad but also makes me feel awake and attentive. When I discover myself thinking of it, I try not to take delight in it or to fall into the trap of yearning and grief. I try not to look at my memories with anger or guilt. On the contrary, I say to myself, well, let´s try to do better this time. I cultivate compassion and hope.
The more I learn how to live, the more I understand how wrong I was but also, how right I can be. The more I learn what life is about, the more I understand how I distorted the meaning of things but also what is truly important. The key is choosing where I am going to focus on.
I don´t complain, I don´t cry over spilt milk (even when sometimes I am tempted to do it). I choose to trust my life and believe that the best is yet to come because for every disregarded moment, every neglected experience, every lost opportunity, I know there is a new one that will come to meet me.
Because for every rejected miracle, I know there is a new one just around the corner.
I only have to do better every single day...