DAY 320

about faith in others

Lately I have realized that issues related to confidence are giving me a lot of trouble. I have talked here about control, about boundaries, perfectionism, and my need to be in charge of almost everything. And also, about my need to please others and how I feel overly responsible for things that can be delegated to somebody else, in particular for those concerning my mom

I have read enough, to know that I might have been in some way codependent. Indeed my family fulfill all the requirements to be considered a dysfunctional family: addictions, emotional abuse, presence of family members suffering from both mental and physical illness, so it´s not so strange that I developed co-dependent behaviors, that I have healed along the years

But there is also a dash of sorrow and anger that remains, and whatever I do, it doesn´t vanish. For some time now, I´ve been asking myself, why this happens if I can be now much more relaxed, less rigid and I starting to flow with my life, and I have realized that is matter of confidence

At this moment I don´t experience a sense of reward from "being needed" and sacrifice my own needs, not anymore. And I don´t look for things outside of myself to feel better, either. I have learned to trust myself and my own process, too. But I still feel a lack of trust in others. Somehow, I don´t think they can do what they really need or take care of themselves, or make right decisions to carry on our shared projects as I expect, so I am prone to check and my cares become compulsive and defeating

Truth be told, I have lived situations that have led me to have these attitudes, but I should move forward and let go those experiences because if I don´t do so, some way or another I´ll keep with my repeated rescue attempts and I end up feeling choiceless and exhausted

I should rather to make an effort to increase my confidence in everyone and in particular in those who I think are needy and accept that they must make their own choices even when they can be wrong (according to my point of view) because this is not about me, it´s about them and their path 

Of course, the more I understand my co-dependent tendencies, the better I cope with its effects, indeed I have changed many unhealthy patterns, but I still find difficult to realize when I am going too far and I moving from giving support to do more than I should, to admit that I have to stop, regardless if others are trustworthy or not, because this is about me and my path, about me and my life, about me and my own needs

It´s  not that easy, at least not for me, but I am more aware of all this now  than ever before, and this must mean something, must mean that I am in the right way... hope so


PS: If you want to learn more about codependency, follow this link