DAY 295

feeling isolated 

When I read my notes about my family I realize that I can seem obsessed with the past and I am not. I have let go my past and I truly believe I have been able to heal it. I know what happened, I have accepted my story and how it affected the way I see life and I have even incorporated it to my current life. I know I am still dealing with some of its consequences, but they are insignificant if I compare them to all the things I have overcame. I am clear about who I am, what I am doing here and the what I want to do from now on

My past is a key that explains many things, that´s why I can´t ignore it, but I am not trapped in it. Now I see my past as any other past, I don´t complain about it, I don´t want no one to compensate me for it. I don´t feel I have nothing to forgive, either

I have looked for answers that could explain my inner pain, and I have found many in my early years, that´s all. I don´t blame anyone for them. I try not to wallow in self-pitty

I am happy with my own process, but when something happens that makes me be in deep contact with my family again, I am prone to look back once again but not with anger

I only do it to reinforce my convictions, my viewpoints, because I feel totally invalidated. My mother finds easier to accept them, but most of my siblings don´t want to hear what I have to say. Some of them just don´t talk, and some of them get offended by my words so I have never obtained the confirmation I am expecting

I understand the reason why they are reluctant, but the more they resist, the more I insist on getting it, with no success. I revise all the facts and arguments and I bring the old sentiments up again, just to find out that I am not mistaken

 It´s a sickly attitude, I know, and probably a waste of time (once again, I know...) but I can´t help myself. I am always determined not to argue with my family over some issues, but I always manage to do it, because I feel they are insensitive to my sorrow. And then I feel like begging for some understanding and empathy, and this creates complicated situations. So even when I am not looking back with anger, the whole situation makes me feel frustrated, and it looks as if I might be angry

I wish I could care less my family´s confirmation of my value and truth. I know I have to stop doing this, they won´t change their mind, so I have to change my attitude... but our past is a shared territory and I find hard to reconcile my ideas with theirs and I don´t even know if this could be desirable...

Anyway, this is making me become aware of something really important: I had always thought I would need a shared effort in order to feel tranquil in this stage of my life, but I was wrong. Now I know that when people says, let bygones be bygones, often this leans on an unidirectional movement


PS: My mother has been ill, she is getting better, and this is why I am behind with my post. Now that I am a bit quieter, I am transcribing my impressions of previous days