DAY 293

it´s not about love 

Every time I am at my mom´s house I become absorbed by family´s life and this makes me see evidences of old dynamics that don´t affect me when I am at home. This happens because we neither live in the same city, nor in the same island, so when I am back, it´s like time was standing still and nothing would have changed. Regardless the years and the new generations, every person is identified with the same old role without noticing how harmful they can be

This frightens me, because I don´t want to be immersed in the old play. I have the feeling that if I do it all my efforts had been vain but my unwillingness creates conflict. So even if I don´t want to do it, I end up playing my role because this is the only way I can connect with them. But, the thing is that I can´t perform it now as well as I used to do it, so anyway there is conflict

This is the reason why every time I am at my mom´s house I am prone to write about my relationship with my family (and when I say family I am mostly thinking of my mother and siblings), even when this makes me feel guilty

I have the feeling that it looks as if I might be too demanding or hypercritical but I am only trying to establish that there are still big issues that we should face up in order to heal the way we are relating to each other and we are not being able to do it. Issues that are still threaten us

I have found a way to deal with past issues that have given me lots of peace and stability that I would love to share with them, but sadly is not that easy. And this makes me feel frustration, anger, fear... powerlessness

I don´t think I am better person than my sisters. I don´t love them less because I write about our lives. I don´t want them to live according my rules. This is not about comparisons, is not about affection, is not about control, is all about consciousness

But even so,  -I am not sure why-  those things that usually makes me be strong and balanced, makes me also look haughty. And instead of feeling happy and proud of myself (as I usually do), I feel forsaken

desolated

PS: My mother has been ill, she is getting better, and this is why I am behind with my post. Now that I am a bit quieter, I am transcribing my impressions of previous days