DAY 131

hardness and vulnerability

As I said, these days I am dealing with my reluctance to accept help. I truly believe that life lessons come to us once and again till we start to learn them, so this is not the first time I´ve had to deal with this issue, but maybe it´s the first time I am taking it seriously

According to my experience when I become aware of the great importance of a lesson, I am ready to learn it and when this happens I usually reach a crisis point that means I am in a position to move forward

This time the crisis point came in a health crisis form: my flu has been accompanied by bronchitis, sinus, pharyngitis, cough and tiredness, my defenses and my morale are low... so much so that my doctor has signed a sick leave for two consecutive weeks

Apart from making me feel a bit miserable (sickness always make this effect on me), this crisis has made me awake to a deep wish to change my mind and my way of life. So along these days, I´ve been trying to focus not only on the importance of making and achieving (which is my usual bias) but also, on the importance of giving myself a much-needed break and freeing myself from the burden of perfectionism

This is not being easy. I appreciate the process and consider it to be positive but I am experiencing many contradictory sentiments not all good, to be honest. Even when I keep telling myself: "when I embrace help, I become more powerful", the truth is that I also feel –deep inside me- needy and dependent when I do it, and this makes me feel angry... so very angry!

Anger is not a nice path mate, but I take comfort from the positive side of this story:

I am slowly moving from resistance to acceptance

I am starting to believe that I am worthy of help and generosity

I am gaining  balance while I permit others to take care of me

I am inviting the flow of kindness in my life

I am welcoming a sense of humbleness  


I am starting to believe I deserve love