DAY 610

with gratitude

As this year comes to an end, I start to feel the need to review what it has given to  me, what I have learnt, what I have lost or accepted. However, as usual, my first step will be acknowledging what I am thankful for ... and there is not a  better day than today to begin to count my blessings, my little epiphanies, the small (or big) miracles that continue to occur in my life and the countless gifts.

I didn't grow up with this tradition of sharing what makes me feel gratitude although it is part of our Christian culture giving thanks to God for the good (and not so good) things, but this healing journey has made me embrace the idea of honoring my life through gratitude all year round and also in predetermined dates.

So here I am, ready for my own, personal, thanksgiving. No turkey or any other celebration, just this simple post as expression of gratitude.  To be honest, at this precise moment I have a huge list of things which I am grateful for, but if I had to mention just a few, I would choose the following:

- I am grateful for the person I have become. Sometimes, wind didn't seem to be blowing in the right direccion, but I have managed to arrive to a safe port where I can be the person I always knew I was aimed at being. This year I feel  this to be true more than ever before, and also I have the strong conviction that I am finally shinning with my own light

- I am grateful for my determination to be who I am, and for all the things that have come to meet me along 2016: for the clarity, the will, the boundaries and the authenticity, for my roots and my wings

- I am grateful for the incredible support that I have received from persons that I didn't even know a few years ago and now I call friends. It has made me realize the importance of what I have to offer to this world. And I am also thankful for all the persons (friends or not)  that along this year have reached me to whisper some way or another, "you are good enough"

- I am grateful for having listened my own inner voice and for defending my criteria in so many areas of my life along this year, either the professional life, the way I teach my student, my options at university or the decisions I have made regarding my mother's welfare, my relatioships, my creativity or my personal growing. I know this has helped me to build the life I truly want, that which made sense to my true essence

- I am grateful for this precious life of mine, because even with its ups and down, it is interesting and filled with love, kindness and dreams, and because I now feel that I have learnt to trust it fully

- And last -but not least- I am grateful for this tiny spot in the universe. And for all you.

Much Love dear friends and Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it,


Z. 

DAY 609

back to school

I am tiptoeing, slowly, trying to feel the old emotion, trying to rescue the old sense of anticipation.

Some days I wake up and I feel too old to feel amazed, too tired. Probably because  I have resolved so many pending issues, because I have gone through so much.

I thought this would make me be inspired, but I just can feel that I have seen too much, felt too much...  that I have lost naivety, and the desire to start anew.

Does wisdom have to do with it?, because I really feel wiser now, but  I feel also that I am convalescent.  I am recovering from the life I had  and I am somehow mourning the life I had not. And I am also trying to internalize my own transmutation, to assume this absence of fighting.

Today I have the serenity , the knowledge, the joy I longed for. Pain has stopped and suffering has faded away, but I cannot find the old impulse, the need to move forward.

Did it come from anger?. Did it come from the need of surviving?. I think so. It was the only way I could have overcome what I have lived, but now I had to deal with this exhaustion. 

It seems that I only can rest and wait, keep the practice and become aware of who I am now, what I want now, every single day.

I will adapt to live at peace. I am sure. I will let go the remaining effects of my struggle, and the sense that something is wrong because I don't feel the same. I won't be in-between anymore.

Meanwhile, I am tiptoeing, slowly,  looking inside me, searching through my inner resources, finding the lost expectation of the first day of school: the need to learn, to discover, to connect the points. I know this will help me. 

My students are waiting. See you in the classroom.

DAY 608

so there is courage in blooming...

Yes, there is courage in showing up once and again.

There is courage in living every day trying to be aware of what happens inside
while the heart stays wide open.

There is courage in embracing every single experience that comes to meet me
and in letting them go when they not longer teach me… or comfort me.

There is courage in starting a new page
without knowing what is going to happen,
and in making room for curiosity regardless of the old pain.

There is courage in becoming the person that I always dreamt of being,
and in being true to myself

There is courage in going through this existence without fear
-even when I am fearful-
one day and another,
and in doing my best regardless what others have to offer me.

There is courage in being myself without making excuses,
 and in giving up conditionings

There is courage in coexisting with myself peacefully,
in spreading hope by using only the fabric of my life
and in healing my wounds without any other remedy but love and compassion.

There is courage in me  when I  wake up slowly after another fail (or fall)
only to listen the tiny voice within,
to stand up for what I believe
or to make a flag only with light.

Yes, there is courage in me,
and there is also courage in you.

After yesterday's post, I experienced  some relief, and I realized that I should stop fighting. I thought this morning I would feel uneasy anyway, but I came up with this. Being kind with myself is not always easy, so I think this is a little step in the right direction.

Much Love

Z. 

DAY 607

relapses and reminders

Since I started this journey, every August I go through the same process.  Before the beginning  of holiday, I prepare a list of how to use well my free days in order to achieve all the goals that I have set aside the rest of the year. These lists are more intrincate every passing year and include goals that have to do with personal projects which cannot be developed while teaching at university, not only because my work is complex  (or I can be prone to procrastinate), but because they demand a state of mind that is not compatible with preparing classes, attending meeting, checking papers and so on. But as soon as I try to do it, I feel just exhausted.  

This  month hasn’t been a exception.  I have been the last ten days (in particular, since Monday)  struggling against this, trying to overcome it  by allowing myself to rest and feeling guilty at  the same  time.  Finally, I realized that I’ve been playing this same role at least during the last three or four years maybe because every single time, I  have forgot to include in my list things that have to do with making a pause. And  also that every single year my wiser self forces me to make such pause  some way or another.

Retrospectively I see that I could have been happier those days just by accepting my situation  and by acting accordingly.  This would have happened if  I would have been able to stop making (or trying to make),  and mainly if I would have been able to stop expecting, longing or  rejecting. Obviously, there is nothing I can do regarding the past days, but I am determined  (once again) to approach the following weeks more consciously… just because I know I can do it.

Yesterday, while  I was thinking of  writing this post, I came across this photo of a page of my journal. While looking at it, I became aware of  all the strategies I have developed  along my  life in order to keep that conscious approach,  and wondered why it becomes so difficult sometimes, and in particular every August. I came to the conclusion that the end of academic course  (and any other  stressing  situation) seems to be a good moment   for the perfectionist inside me to arise and generate all sort of expectations without taking into account my needs. Once I realized that everything fits into place.  

Today,  I am  feeling  how my energy is returning and I am sure that soon I will feel ready to do  what I had planned.  And even when I am  also sure that I still have to deal with this biased perspective which was developed as a response to  circumstances of my early life, there  is hope in my heart. 

Probably, because now  I don’t try to mend my actions (or reactions), I just accept them and keep going, trusting that I will manage to reach my destiny. 

I hope you are having an easy summer, dear friends.

Much Love

Z. 

DAY 606

I love this bend of my path

  It is not what I expected it to be, it is not safe or peaceful. It is complex and chaotic, and triggers moments of doubts. But it is thrilling and beautiful, too. It makes me feel deeply connected to the place from where I come and also quite inspired for the place I am ready to arrive.

Before, I used to think in different terms:  the place I wanted to leave versus the place I wanted to reach. Little I knew that as soon as I chose the word for this year (soar) that mindset would be drastically changed.  In fact, once I started to work on it months ago, I noticed that the idea of before and after -so to speak-  wouldn’t work. 

Quite often when we go through complicated events, we are prone to disown them, or the person we were at that moment, and we try to keep only the lessons.  It is a strategy that allows us to start healing but after some time (when we get better)  we feel that if we want to move forward, we should  reclaim ourselves wholeheartedly. 

Two months ago or so, I felt  that I was about to reach that moment. I knew  I had to immerse myself in the connection  between all I had lived  with the definition of myself from a  more authentic perspective in order to be where I dreamt of.

It was a sort of sudden revelation, and not  precisely a pleasant one, because I had the feeling that this couldbe a sort of repetition,  till I understood that Universe was giving me the chance to integrate  all my experiences in a more complex –and complete-  tapestry that was  still half-done. And so I have been doing.

I’ve been feeling this as a process of putting down roots. Also as a sort of restoration: by  trying to avoid pain, I erased many fundamental pieces that linked me to my origins and to the source of my essential energy. Without this protective support,  I have felt orphan, but now I am developing parts of myself downward. As a result, my wings have started to unfold. It may sound paradoxical but the more my sense of belonging increases, the more I feel that this will enable flight. 

Right now  I am  feeling a complex sense of heaviness or weight, an irresistible force of attraction to my own purpose and –at the same time-  I feel a lightness  made of pure joy, of pure grace.  It is as if I were on tiptoe, moving to a higher position, springing to the air, looking up, reaching heaven while  my core –my true self-  shines composed and a golden –endless- rope ties me to it.

I feel as if I were living on earth and wandering through air at the same time, an this is -believe me- a wonderful feeling that is leading me to amazing places from where I am planning to soar even higher. 

If you don't find me here, I'll be there... waiting for you.

Much Love to you, dear friends

Z.