DAY 365+13

recovering my power

This is my November´s contribution to photo-heart connection

I bought some hearts at the beginning of the month. I collect them and when Christmas is near there are more models available, so I always enjoy looking for new pieces along this time of the year

I started this collection long ago during a time of my life when I wanted to achieve some kind of balance, so I decided to use some symbols which could illustrate the kind of life I was dreaming of. I wanted to use them as a reminders and also as a way to attract it

Hearts were my way to say that I deserved love and I wouldn´t permit any abusive behavior. At that moment I was awaking to the reality of my life and I was dealing with serious issues about boundaries (read here if you want to know more)

As the collection has been increasing, my life has been changing. Of course, I have done many other things, but the constant presence of the hearts around me makes me remember my resolution and has acted as a "catalytic" of my responses. However, I haven´t chose this photo only because of that. This was my first idea when I looked through my November files a week ago or so, but when I came back to them, I felt another sort of connection

Lately, I´ve been dealing with family issues once again and I have felt how some of my old patterns were trying to reemerge. For a week or two -in the middle of past month- I was deeply influenced by them and I acted based on my fears and old conditionings. I simply was lost in the old, crazy, drama again and most of my family members were feeding my lack of control with their attitudes and demands. To make the things worse, my husband who works as a sort of counterweight when this happens, were working outside the country, so it took me more time to realize what I was doing. I ended up truly exhausted after my walk for those old territories. And ill (literally speaking), and damaged and disappointed and so, so sad

It´s my caretaking behavior when becomes obsessive which enables some  abuses to continue in my family. I am clear about this. I also assume my responsibility and I know that even when generally speaking abuse won´t stop (this is none of my business as it is beyond my means), I should not permit those things that directly affect me or use myself as a shield to prevent abuse against others. But to be honest, sometimes I can´t help doing it

I am tired of the whole matter, in particular after this last round. I still have to struggle against relapses and against others expectations and their pretentions and this is consuming my energy.  I know that I have walked a long path and I feel that I am able to keep the balance and avoid chaos but I would like not to feel this way never again 

I would love to be more steadfast in the love for my self and this is what I felt when I saw this photo. I have accepted that is me who makes decisions about my own life, but I still have to appreciate my own integrity (physical and emotionally speaking) a bit more

PS: When I talk about my family here I am referring to my family of origing 


Kim Stevens said...

Wow, this is so beautiful in it's honesty, and hearts as a symbol to illustrate the kind of life you are dreaming of... I don't think there is a better symbol than a heart. It represents life and love, and steadfastness just as the heart works, beating everyday without skipping a beat! Thank you for sharing this!!

Introverted Art said...

I find this to me so symbolic of what you want and desire in your heart.
Love yourself Zena, you are a most lovable human being.

rosemary said...

learning that the fall and winter holidays with the family can trigger an onslought of biological baggage. I am proud of you for seeing it and working through it. May I suggest a reminder on your calander to say " do not get sucked up in the old family drama" about a week before events helps minimize that before it happens. thank you for sharing your story. I know there are so many that have to work though this very issue each and every year and is usually the only real stress of getting through the holidays.

Anonymous said...

Your blog gave me so much to think about. and as always, when the student is ready the teacher will appear...wherever I go, whatever I read lately tells me to love myself. I have just started and it's hard. I have to keep reminding myself. Gratitude helps. I really love this blog and your pictures (and kitties!).

Bo Mackison said...

It's a lovely photograph - I like the way you composed the photo, the DOF. And then the words, as often happens in these Photo-Heart photos, adds a deeper meaning to the photo. A great choice.

Best in your ongoing struggle, it is never easy, but the rewards of self care are so huge.

La Dolce Vita said...

I feel that you and I are of the same personality, as far as our response to pain and healing goes. I have almost always noticed that I feel "overtly emotional" and "overwhelmed " by the pain of others, including the pain of near and dear ones. To the extent that it puts pressure on my day to day living. For instance, when somebody shares his /her pain with me {that too in a negative/fearful manner} , my own old fears are resurrected and I just want to run away...I love to live alone and in a peaceful way...I know it is a kind of escape, but I am a highly sensitive person and my energies get burnt down by handling too much pain....therefore, I knew very early on , about the deep contradiction in my personality-On one hand, I am extremely caring and giving, and on the other hand, I am bogged down by the suffering and negativeness of others...so, after much soul searching , I decided to held myself back from my care giving nature and resign to my shell of solitude and peace..away from this pain that others are so eager to pass on me...

Kat Sloma said...

Surrounding yourself with a symbol is a powerful way to create a visual reminder of the change you are seeking. I can hear your exhaustion and energy drain in this post, but I think the positive thing is that you see what happened and recognize it. We can't expect to change patterns that have been ingrained in us for years and years overnight. Look to your hearts and know that you are making progress. Thank you for sharing in the Photo-Heart Connection this month.

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