DAY 343

through the framework of my mind

We all are under the influence of our story, experiences and life circumstances. This creates a way to interpret what is happening around us that it is not always sane. It works as a sort of filter that selects data, leaving us with a biased perspective

Paradoxically, the more we analyze life using this perspective, the more we think it´s right. This happens because it only lets us see what is according to its principles. Every little thing that can prove that it is wrong will be ignored, and becomes a sort of anathema to the person who is using a given paradigm. Even when one feels that the paradigm is not as useful as before, the person keeps being faithful to it and even looks for ways to justify its contradictions

My paradigm told me that I had to please others if I wanted to be loved. And even more, I should be rescuer if I wanted to be loved

My father passed away when I was only five after an illness that lasted a few years. Even when my six brothers and sisters were living at home when my father died, after a year or so, my mother, my brother (who is a disabled person) and me were living alone. My parents  story had been too complicated and I felt that I had to help my mother to keep up with her life, so I took many responsibilities and started to be what people expected me to be

After a few years, my sister (who later we discovered had a serious mental disease) came back home, and started to psychologically abuse us. Believe me or not, I was convinced I was the strongest of us (time has proved this to be true), so I became the rescuer of them. I protected my mom and my brother from my sister -and from their other problems- and I even tried to save her from her own attitudes trying to became her best friend (!)

The way my sister manipulated me is indescribable. She also manipulated the rest of my family but I was her favorite target 

It took me almost forty years to figure out what was happening in my life and the influence of those circumstances on me. I was so used to living that way that somehow I had normalized them and I thought the problem was in me (of course, my sister always said this to me) 

But looking for an explanation to my unease, and all my unbalanced behaviors, I found out that what I considered to be normal was indeed a chaos, where the main problem was a serious ill person with a history of pills and alcohol abuse and borderline behaviors... and it was not me

Now I can´t believe that regardless all this I could create good things, like a professional career, a steady relationship and so on. And sometimes I wonder how did I manage to stay upright while living all those things without much external support, because my sister -like many other abusers- was able to win people´s sympathy, mostly lying to them and playing the victim (indeed, she mastered that art).But I did it, and the latest years I´ve been even able to break that abusive relationship and create room for other experiences

The harm all this caused me is not little, but I am dealing with it and I am happy with myself. However, I am always afraid of a sudden relapse, afraid of my responses to certain stimulus, afraid of being not strong enough to face up another episode of this soap opera (I still have strong confrontations with my sister when we see each other by chance in my mom´s house)

But all the things that have happened the last week  have made me see that this journey of mine is a journey meant to understand and rebuild the frames of my mind, and also that I have created already those alternative frames I was looking for. I am so glad!, this is right the confirmation I was needing