DAY 365+11

I´ve found my voice

I took some photos of me one day at home touching my neck. I was a bit downhearted and as I was involved in a gratitude journey, I thought of giving thanks for my own life even when I was finding it too hectic and confusing, mainly due to all the responsibilities I´d been taking regarding my mother and brother situation (something that, to be honest, I have to fix)

When I was editing the photos, I chose one to illustrate my thankfulness feelings, see here, but once I did it, I was looking at the rest of them when I came across this one and I realized how deeply it resonates with me 

Along this year I have had the feeling that I´ve found my own voice not only while writing this blog, but while dealing with my life circumstances, my past and my family challenges. I´ve communicated my thoughts fluently, I am not being hiding things, either my feelings or my vision,  and also,  I´ve had a sense of confidence and independence.  However, lately I´ve noticed that my ability for self-expression has diminished because I am not as centered as before. I am too tired, anxious and overwhelmed because little by little I have permitted myself to start a new circle of dependence 

I am so used to rescue my mom and family, that when something shocking happens I can be back to my old dysfunctionality. Rearrange all the life´s routines of my mom and brother in order to give them a life quality, has been a good thing to do, but I have slipped into some of my old mind frames without even noticing it. From one week to another I started to become obsessed with all the situation and soon I could see how the old abuse patterns started to reemerge, just because I infringing once again my own boundaries

This has been a true relapse, I have been strong enough to stop some damaging behaviors and to protect myself and keep some of my healing practices, but even so, it has been exhausting and disheartening

So when I saw my hand touching my throat I become aware of my needs. I realized that I should  reconnect to myself and keep on using my own voice. I have struggle hard against conditionings,  to break free from lies and  I know I won´t move back  but I appreciate this little reminder that tells me that using my true voice and expressing my wisdom in the presence of others is important for my soul´s health

I am so thankful for the way my photos give me back to my path!

... so very thankful

DAY 365+10

My tree

I took these photos a weeks ago, when the rains started. I opened my window and tried to capture the droplets that were hanging from the branches of the tree in front of my house. It was the first time I could see so many bare branches, I had noticed that leaves had been falling all week long and I was a bit surprised at this fact, because I knew Indian laurel is an evergreen tree, but I thought it was something temporary... but it was not

The following weeks leaves kept on falling, till no one remained. Every morning I looked through the window and I only saw the silvery branches that were becoming more and more brittle every single day. Birds didn´t land there anymore, and I missed them so much!. However I thought it would become green again one day. But past Thursday, early in the morning the garden services of the city council came and cut it down. It was a nine meters tall tree, so it was an arduous task but even so, it only took them a couple of hours

I was such an amazing living being!, an adult couldn´t embrace its trunk and should be quite old. While they were cutting the branches I was crying, not only due to its death and my loss, but because I longing a sort of reverence from the gardeners... but they were acting like they were developing a common procedure. The tree wasn´t alive yet, it´s true but it´s greatness could still be perceived

I left home when they were finishing their work and I could smell the aroma of the wood and saw some neighbors around whose gaze expressed the same consternation. And suddenly I remembered being sat down in the little park in front my house with my mom twelve years ago or so looking at that tree and trying to guess its age. At a given moment my mom told me: wouldn´t be wonderful to live here?...

I worked all day long but I couldn´t stop thinking about the tree, I was so deeply sad... when I arrived home that night I saw the stump alone and it was heartbreaking. Next days I felt the same way, but this morning I thought it was time to change my mind. I am developing a gratitude project this month so I imagined the wise spirit of the tree leaving its wooden cuirasses and returning to the energy core from we all come from

It was bearing all the good things that happened to it when it was here: children laughs and bird nests, cooing and trills, rain and sun rays

... the hopes of a younger version of myself answering my mom: yes, it would be wonderful, but it´s not easy, see there are only a few buildings, but who knows 

and all the love we have shared here

DAY 365+9

confession

This is what I would have found if I would had gone to have a walk with my camera this weekend. But I stayed at home instead. I had tons of things to do here. After I finished my 365 days project I have realized that I had used most of my free time working with my photos and I had neglected my craft projects, home organization and so on. So now I am catching up with those things and I am enjoying them a lot. But I am also discovering how much I love to wander looking for a good photo 

When the 365 days project ended I wanted to have a sort of holidays because I need to make room for another kind of tasks and also for new ideas about photography itself, but I was afraid I could be absorbed by life obligations once the challenge disappeared. I think real transcendence of my love for photography went unnoticed then, due to my need to have a pause 

Last month I´ve been taking photos at my own pace, I thought it all came down to being balanced, but let me say you that I am not so happy as I used to be when I was much more involved in it. And I am not talking just from an artistic perspective, this is not only about the aesthetic dimension of it, (that is quite rewarding, by the way). It´s also about its emotional and spiritual dimension 

So even when latest weeks I´ve being happy leaving my camera a bit aside, because I needed that time for making another kind of things, I am also looking forward to keep up with photo explorations and also to start another project focusing on photography, because I feel that, somehow, it is a very important part of my personal path 

I haven´t had the peace of mind enough to develop my ideas properly: my family situation with my mom and my brother is still complicated and energy consuming, but I know it´s time to focus on this and come up with something new. Perfectionist as I am, I want to have everything clear before starting anything, but maybe I wouldn´t  think so much  in this concrete moment of my life, because,  above all, I need the "therapeutic" effect of something new related to photography to clear my head 

To be honest, I am almost overwhelmed by my life circumstances and I need a sort of sanity preserver that has to be strong enough to make me move forward. Of course, I have meditation, other forms of creativity, prayers and my ability for connection with universe guidance

But photography provides me with an extra motivation, and an amazing way to observe, contemplate, understand and appreciate. Indeed, through my photos I have learnt to deal with my sentiments, to find out those things that are important in my life and I have got in touch with my inner self in a way that I wouldn´t have imagined possible

This is such a powerful tool of expression!, I can hardly believe that I haven´t discovered it before

DAY 365+8

seize your day

Time goes by so fast. I still remember being next to my mother playing with paper dolls while she was sewing and now she is 88 years old and I´ll be 48 next December

We have shared a whole life that hasn´t be always easy but I am prone to focus on the things we haven´t done yet (and probably will never be done) or on the anger and the sorrow for some circumstances and I forget all the moments we have shared, all the experiences we have live together, all we have learned, all the laughs and the fun... and there are tons of them

I try not to feel nostalgic about the lost opportunities, but from time to time I wonder if I should have done something else to get a biggest dose of joy and I regret not having been wiser, not having been aware before of the way to conquer a peaceful life. However, when I am centered and not sentimental and I study thoroughly the nature of any single second of our common life I only see perfection. And not only because they have led us to the present situation, but because we were living according the knowledge and beliefs we had in that stage of our lives

Often we justify our past because it has paved the road for the persons we are now, but somehow this invalidates the persons we were. Of course I am consequence of all my past experiences and learnings, and I am the person I am due to the things I have lived and the way I have dealt with them, but what happened to me has its own importance beyond this diachronic perspective. They are not significant because are concerned with the way in wich my personality has evolved, they are important because they have existed at one point in time that never will be back 
This is the only way I know we can pay authentic tribute to our past (and respect ourselves), not questioning it or making excuses for it but accepting it as it was 

When I look back starting from this premise I don´t judge.  I see love, I see pain, I see tenderness, I see naivety, I see anger, I see sparkles of lights and glimpses of wisdom, ignorance and good will, and fear, and faith.  I see generosity and moments of connection and much more,  but I am not too hard on me.  I don´t try to embellish facts, I don´t regret, complain or praise myself, I just bow down my head and keep on walking

Do you know why? because while I am trying to look for explanations and reasons this precious moment is rushing to oblivion

Today I am here, I worship only this instant not my past (nor my future, either). Only this day

DAY 365+7

“Walking the spiritual path properly is a very subtle process; 
it is not something to jump into naively. There are numerous sidetracks which lead to a distorted, ego-centered version of spirituality; we can deceive ourselves into thinking we are developing spiritually when instead we are strengthening our egocentricity through spiritual techniques. This fundamental distortion may be referred to as spiritual materialism" 

Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

DAY 365+6

the place where I used to stand

Past weekend I was at my mom´s house. She was celebrating her 88 birthday (see november 10-2012 here). I could hardly believe that we were sharing  that unique moment and how the things had changed since her last birthday

This year has been so challenging!. My mother is more fragile and vulnerable than ever. Along the past months, she has lost most of her autonomy, she is not so motivated and  is starting to fail to notice things that before were very important for her. She is now an old lady . I´ve never thought that I would see my mother behaving like this: she was so sharp, active and curious till she was 86 years, that somehow I thought she would defeat time passing. But she didn´t

She and my brother who, even being a disabled person, is her main caregiver and the person who is always by her side, have gone from living alone to have personal assistance 24 per day, after he fell down and broke a leg whose recovering is being quite complicated. I´ve never thought I could write this down and feel at peace at the same time, but I am doing it 

I feel happy and tranquil, partly because now they have the cares they need and I don´t have the feeling that they depend so much on me, even when they still have a strong emotional dependence on me it´s not so oppressive. I´ve been struggling to make them understand their situation for the last years, because I could see how their life quality was getting worse, but they were very reluctant to accept help, but now "thanks" to my brother´s fall, they are in a better situation and believe me, it´s a great relief

But  I also feel that way  because I am going with the flow and accepting this moment and enjoying it. I only could be there a couple of days but we have had amazingly beautiful moments together. And not because we did something special, I wore my pajamas the whole weekend, but because I only expected to be there in that precise moment, bearing witness to this new turning point in our lives... I only expected to appreciate and celebrate what we had. I only expected to be able to smile and rejoice. And I did. I felt that love and total abundance were in the air and I breathed in with great delight . I´ve never thought I could be in that mood after all the things we have had to face up lately, but I was

And -what is even more interesting- I´ve never thought that I could be in my old bedroom accepting that all the things that could link me to the person I was when I slept there are (for one reason or another) almost vanished and feel so blissfully serene,   but I was

I still am

DAY 365+5

trifles versus triviality

I´ve been thinking of writing this post since I started the gratitude project. I am always talking about the healing power of little things that usually go unnoticed. But I have also discovered that there are lots of tiny matters which definitely don´t help me to feel healed. On the contrary they make me feel obsessed, anxious and unhappy

Both kind of things are rather insignificant, but they have the power to make me feel connected or totally out of my mind. Indeed, they can turn a common day into a paradise or into an inferno

I have learnt that as I am a detail oriented person, I have a gift for finding beauty in the ordinary and also for rising my obsessions starting from the most dull events. And this is not linked to what is happening in a given moment, but to my state of mind

We are prone to think this depends on the nature of the facts themselves, but even when this can be fairly true (what happens in our life can improve our day or can ruin it),  the way we look at life is important too

  Every time something new occurs in our lives we take a stand in order to deal with events and their consequences. Of course, there are many responses to a certain incident or circumstances, but in short, we can opt for ego responses or we can opt for awareness 

Ego responses come from the image we have of ourselves. Most of time this image has been built up around our early story and experiences in order to create a sense of identity and compensate all those things that tell us that we´re not good enough. According to this, we need to prove our own importance and we are going to use any little excuse to start a battle that help us to do it. Great problems but also, the tiniest offense, the most insignificant gestures, irrelevant accidents and even moments of success can trigger a sense of separation, drama, self-hatred feelings, negative emotions, vanity and arrogance

On the other hand, awareness gives us the chance to appreciate what is around and focusing on actual situations. We are not negative, nor willful optimist... we just see and accept without judgments. Big achievements or failures but also, the little nothings, gifts and favors, even those which might seem trinkets, can become a source of joy that ends in amazement, a sense of accomplishment and validation

Those opposing views have deeply marked my life and the transition from one to another has meant a real turning point in my life. Both revolve around minor details but from a completely different point of view

If the small things are  driving you crazy, try to move from control to appreciation, from resistance to acceptance. Don´t impose anything on reality. This will make a great difference in your life

I promise

DAY 365+4

regardless what can happen, I´m always walking my path

"Say not, 'I have found the truth,' but rather, 'I have found a truth.'
Say not, 'I have found the path of the soul.' Say rather, 'I have met the soul walking upon my path.'
For the soul walks upon all paths...
The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals."

Kahlil Gibran

DAY 365+3

the rain

We have been waiting for a storm and a more autumnal weather for weeks and we have had them when less expected. I was yearning for some water and I´ve been complaining about the heat and the dry weather since the summer ended. I couldn´t wait for it to come!. I imagined myself safe at home while having a nice cup of tea, but when rain finally arrived I wasn´t that happy

When I woke up and looked through my windows I started to think about all the disadvantages of a rainy day: I´d had wearing my summer shoes till the day before, so I had to look for my boots and my umbrella; then I realized that I had to walk to catch the tram carrying my bag, my laptop and many folders with me; and -to cap it all- I remembered how unpleasant a damp day can be. Quickly, my initial joy turned into disappointment and I was only able to see unforeseen difficulties around me 

While I was getting ready to go to work I was grumbling about the weather but suddenly I notice my mind´s crazy chitchat and became aware of its uselessness. It was only rain, for heaven´s sake! Simple, stunning and inevitable rain

But this is the way our mind works; it only takes a moment for it to change our mood and triggers turmoil of negative or contradictory emotions. The main reason why this occurs is because when we want something, it usually starts to create a image of what we are looking for or what is about to happen if we find it. But it doesn´t create a true image, it idealizes it according our needs and forgets reality

This has two consequences: when things happens they are not as it expected, so it rejects them and sometimes it doesn´t even recognize them because they don´t coincide with it expectations and we miss the opportunity.  Either if we meet the embodiment of our wishes and we are reluctant to accept it or if we fail to notice we have a problem... because we will keep in the search and always dissatisfied 

If we want to solve this, we can do two things: 

 We can try to expect nothing. This doesn´t mean giving up our goals, it means to start from the premise that life will unfold freely no matter our plans and we should be flexible in order to achieve them

We can try to appreciate everything. Once again this doesn´t mean having no preferences, it means to walk with the eyes wide open because this will allow us to develop our ambitions without renouncing what life offers us.

Both of them are deeply linked to acceptance and its mains lesson: we should take pleasure in life gifts (whatever they are) come rain or shine

When my mind´s chatter became evident to me, my mood turned out improved. I let my hairdryer aside, I opened the window and took some shoots to pay tribute to the beauty of the morning

Back from work, the rain had stopped and I appreciated the little treasures that it had left behind it 

... And I gave thanks not only for the so needed water, but also for my ability for acknowledging my inner dynamics and keep walking towards serenity 

DAY 365+2

this fleeting life

This is my contribution to photo-heart connection this month

The last fortnight of september was quite complicated. I had to ask for six days´ leave and went to my mom´s house, and I was back home at the end of the month

Even when I did almost all the things I wanted to do there, and I was happy to be back, I felt uneasy when I started to take up again my daily routine: I was not only worried, and exhausted, and very busy trying to catch up with my classes, I had also lost all my concentration and the ability for paying attention to what was going on... and I was a bit estranged from my own life

But then one day (the first week of october or so),  I came in my bedroom and saw an amazing light that was coming into contact with my bedside table so I rushed to pick my camera and started to take some photos

While I was trying to capture it, this little baby came around there to have a look. She sat down and changed  the whole image (see previous capture here) and my mood: It was like I wouldn´t have noticed her beauty before!

And I realized that my life was as simple as that: a home, two cats, the morning light coming through the blinds, J. having a coffee while listening the news, me holding my camera trying to freeze a moment in time and our tiny souls dancing together, moving towards consciousness

It all came down to these items plus tons of fitful dreams, changeable circumstances and unpredictable feelings; fanciful events and unsettled projects, all of them equally charming or complicated, all of them equally evanescent and impermanent 

And I understood something: this life of mine, composed of a few certainties and much fleetingness, deserves every single day a warm welcome, and not indifference