DAY 365+6

the place where I used to stand

Past weekend I was at my mom´s house. She was celebrating her 88 birthday (see 
november 10-2012 here). I could hardly believe that we were sharing  that unique moment and how the things had changed since her last birthday

This year has been so challenging!. My mother is more fragile and vulnerable than ever. Along the past months, she has lost most of her autonomy, she is not so motivated and  is starting to fail to notice things that before were very important for her. She is now an old lady . 
I´ve never thought that I would see my mother behaving like this: she was so sharp, active and curious till she was 86 years, that somehow I thought she would defeat time passing. But she didn´t

She and my brother who, even being a disabled person, is her main caregiver and the person who is always by her side, have gone from living alone to have personal assistance 24 per day, after he fell down and broke a leg whose recovering is being quite complicated. 
I´ve never thought I could write this down and feel at peace at the same time, but I am doing it 

feel happy and tranquil, partly because now they have the cares they need and I don´t have the feeling that they depend so much on me, even when they still have a strong emotional dependence on me it´s not so oppressive. I´ve been struggling to make them understand their situation for the last years, because I could see how their life quality was getting worse, but they were very reluctant to accept help, but now "thanks" to my brother´s fall, they are in a better situation and believe me, it´s a great relief

But  I 
also feel that way  because I am going with the flow and accepting this moment and enjoying it. I only could be there a couple of days but we have had amazingly beautiful moments together. And not because we did something special, I wore my pajamas the whole weekend, but because I only expected to be there in that precise moment, bearing witness to this new turning point in our lives... I only expected to appreciate and celebrate what we had. I only expected to be able to smile and rejoice. And I did. I felt that love and total abundance were in the air and I breathed in with great delight . I´ve never thought I could be in that mood after all the things we have had to face up lately, but I was

And -what is even more interesting- I´ve never thought that I could be in my old bedroom accepting that all the things that could link me to the person I was when I slept there are (for one reason or another) almost vanished and feel so blissfully serene,   but I was

I still am

1 comment:

Sofia said...

I think it is a wonderful idea to journal about every day of your life. Thank you for sharing, the pictures you take are so beautiful! I am glad to follow your blog.

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