26.8.12

DAY 307

the foreigner

When I was a girl and later on, when I was a teen and a very young woman I usually spent part of my summer vacations in a tourist village by the sea, where there were tourists from all over Europe

 I always noticed middle-aged women who looked secure and happy, charming and carefree, those whose behavior indicates a certain maturity. They were quite different from the women of the same age I knew, who were much more traditional, and often, more old-fashioned and very provincial in their outlook

I imagined them to be strong, independent, passionate and unconventional. I also imagined how wonderful would be to stay in a place where you could be anything you wanted to because no one expects nothing from you

Of course, I didn´t know them personally, and they could be anything, but they represent something I aspired to: freedom, self-acceptance, no need to please anyone, 
a deep  and appealing personality, culture, determination, character, wisdom, calm  and  joy 

A whole life has passed since I was there having my vacations and telling stories to myself about my forthcoming life and the kind of woman I would be in the future

Now that future has arrived and has almost passed. I wouldn´t imagined life to be so tough, complicated and interesting. I wouldn´t imagined myself to be so wounded due to things which in that time I considered normal. I wouldn´t imagined my uniqueness could be so harmful. I wouldn´t imagined myself struggling against my own experiences so hard and emerging after this wonderful journey...

I hadn´t thought about all this for a long, long time, but when I saw my own reflection I had the feeling that I had achieved what I was in pursuit of. Maybe the path has been twisted but now I am like I imagined those women to be.

Now I am the foreigner, I am not what I was meant to be according my context, my circumstances, my family origins and so on,  but I am  not a foreigner to myself, not an outsider in my inner space.

I fully belong to this moment, to this life I live, to this place

I fully am the person I am



PS:  I took this self portrait a while ago. Since I edited it, the content of this post started to go round and round in my head but I haven´t been able to materialize what I was thinking about in concrete words till today. When I found it again going through my files, the ideas dealt with in this post came to my mind in one go

14 comments:

Sam said...

I love how your reflection took you back to this memory! When you wrote "struggling against my own experiences", it made me realize how I have done this as well. These "mid-life" years seem to cause you to finally release the struggle and embrace it all as part of yourself.

p.s. love the photo of you! xx

Danielle said...

Amen to what Sam said. You really expressed everything succinctly about how this journey is for many of us. Great post and insight.

Introverted Art said...

I sure hope so. I feel I have been going through this precocious mid-life crisis and I wonder when we just get to be...

Sherri B. said...

What a beautiful and thought provoking post...your self-portrait is beautiful.

urban muser said...

beautiful post and gorgeous photo! thanks for linking up at {in the picture}.

momphotographer said...

there is so much strength in your words!!! and in your self-portrait you look mature, charming, carefree and pretty happy and I portrait you as a woman with a deep character...
AND... I LOVE your sunglasses :)

seabluelee said...

Isn't it interesting how we tell ourselves stories about people we don't know anything about? I wonder sometimes what stories others see in me. This was a thought-provoking post. I love that you feel you have become what you admired in those women all those years ago. And your self-portrait is beautiful.

Sandra said...

I love the photo processing on the photo you have done. It looks like part of an old film. The film of life! Contemplative words that go well with how you are now! Sometimes we seek who or what we are for so long that we forget to notice that we simply "are"!
Have a great weekend. Sandra

Leanne Barnett said...

Lovely, this is a great photo, you do look confident & happy to be you. great!

gina said...

Your portrait is beautiful! How great that you have arrived at this place and can fully be the person you are now! It's good to have role models for the aging process, and the women you saw years ago helped you become who you are. Thanks for sharing your story.

Gallery Juana said...

This is such a cool and elegant photo! And how wonderful to feel you are where you want to be.

Susan said...

First off, love your image and the process. Such a great feel to it. Your words are wonderful and I enjoyed reading them and thinking about them. I was too self-absorbed to notice anyone older...and am not stepping into a new role very gracefully. I applaud you.

Carrie said...

this touches something so deep inside. i truly only feel like the real me when a foreigner in a new place. i don't care what people think and i don't have quite so much baggage as i do at home. But i am trying to change and photography is the most helpful tool i have found, that and writing my blogs. Love this post and continue to love this blog xxx

Becs said...

I love your image and your words are so moving and ones which I can relate to as well. Thank you for sharing this beautiful post.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...