|relapses and reminders|
Since I started this journey, every August I go through the same process. Before the beginning of holiday, I prepare a list of how to use well my free days in order to achieve all the goals that I have set aside the rest of the year. These lists are more intrincate every passing year and include goals that have to do with personal projects which cannot be developed while teaching at university, not only because my work is complex (or I can be prone to procrastinate), but because they demand a state of mind that is not compatible with preparing classes, attending meeting, checking papers and so on. But as soon as I try to do it, I feel just exhausted.
This month hasn’t been a exception. I have been the last ten days (in particular, since Monday) struggling against this, trying to overcome it by allowing myself to rest and feeling guilty at the same time. Finally, I realized that I’ve been playing this same role at least during the last three or four years maybe because every single time, I have forgot to include in my list things that have to do with making a pause. And also that every single year my wiser self forces me to make such pause some way or another.
Retrospectively I see that I could have been happier those days just by accepting my situation and by acting accordingly. This would have happened if I would have been able to stop making (or trying to make), and mainly if I would have been able to stop expecting, longing or rejecting. Obviously, there is nothing I can do regarding the past days, but I am determined (once again) to approach the following weeks more consciously… just because I know I can do it.
Yesterday, while I was thinking of writing this post, I came across this photo of a page of my journal. While looking at it, I became aware of all the strategies I have developed along my life in order to keep that conscious approach, and wondered why it becomes so difficult sometimes, and in particular every August. I came to the conclusion that the end of academic course (and any other stressing situation) seems to be a good moment for the perfectionist inside me to arise and generate all sort of expectations without taking into account my needs. Once I realized that everything fits into place.
Today, I am feeling how my energy is returning and I am sure that soon I will feel ready to do what I had planned. And even when I am also sure that I still have to deal with this biased perspective which was developed as a response to circumstances of my early life, there is hope in my heart.
Probably, because now I don’t try to mend my actions (or reactions), I just accept them and keep going, trusting that I will manage to reach my destiny.
I hope you are having an easy summer, dear friends.