|back to school|
I am tiptoeing, slowly, trying to feel the old emotion, trying to rescue the old sense of anticipation.
Some days I wake up and I feel too old to feel amazed, too tired. Probably because I have resolved so many pending issues, because I have gone through so much.
I thought this would make me be inspired, but I just can feel that I have seen too much, felt too much... that I have lost naivety, and the desire to start anew.
Does wisdom have to do with it?, because I really feel wiser now, but I feel also that I am convalescent. I am recovering from the life I had and I am somehow mourning the life I had not. And I am also trying to internalize my own transmutation, to assume this absence of fighting.
Today I have the serenity , the knowledge, the joy I longed for. Pain has stopped and suffering has faded away, but I cannot find the old impulse, the need to move forward.
Did it come from anger?. Did it come from the need of surviving?. I think so. It was the only way I could have overcome what I have lived, but now I had to deal with this exhaustion.
It seems that I only can rest and wait, keep the practice and become aware of who I am now, what I want now, every single day.
I will adapt to live at peace. I am sure. I will let go the remaining effects of my struggle, and the sense that something is wrong because I don't feel the same. I won't be in-between anymore.
Meanwhile, I am tiptoeing, slowly, looking inside me, searching through my inner resources, finding the lost expectation of the first day of school: the need to learn, to discover, to connect the points. I know this will help me.
My students are waiting. See you in the classroom.