DAY 609

back to school

I am tiptoeing, slowly, trying to feel the old emotion, trying to rescue the old sense of anticipation.

Some days I wake up and I feel too old to feel amazed, too tired. Probably because  I have resolved so many pending issues, because I have gone through so much.

I thought this would make me be inspired, but I just can feel that I have seen too much, felt too much...  that I have lost naivety, and the desire to start anew.

Does wisdom have to do with it?, because I really feel wiser now, but  I feel also that I am convalescent.  I am recovering from the life I had  and I am somehow mourning the life I had not. And I am also trying to internalize my own transmutation, to assume this absence of fighting.

Today I have the serenity , the knowledge, the joy I longed for. Pain has stopped and suffering has faded away, but I cannot find the old impulse, the need to move forward.

Did it come from anger?. Did it come from the need of surviving?. I think so. It was the only way I could have overcome what I have lived, but now I had to deal with this exhaustion. 

It seems that I only can rest and wait, keep the practice and become aware of who I am now, what I want now, every single day.

I will adapt to live at peace. I am sure. I will let go the remaining effects of my struggle, and the sense that something is wrong because I don't feel the same. I won't be in-between anymore.

I am tiptoeing, slowly,  looking inside me, searching through my inner resources, finding the lost expectation of the first day of school: the need to learn, to discover, to connect the points. I know this will help me. 

My students are waiting. See you in the classroom.


windrock studio said...

Even tiptoeing you are taking steps. I would love to be in your class room, your students are very lucky.

Unknown said...

Beautiful again, Zena. Of course, I don't know exactly what you have been through, but I am sensing some of its gravity through the soulful stories you tell. In many ways I can relate to the feelings you are expressing as I continually try to absorb my own past, mourn the past that wasn't and find my way forward, while also trying to live more in the present. The exhaustion, mental and physical, makes sense. You have carried so much, for so long. Be gentle with that butterfly-in-transformation of your true self. I wish for you a lightening of all that weighs, and many moments of joy and beauty along the path. You are courageous. Kellie

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