DAY 365+13

recovering my power

This is my November´s contribution to photo-heart connection

I bought some hearts at the beginning of the month. I collect them and when Christmas is near there are more models available, so I always enjoy looking for new pieces along this time of the year

I started this collection long ago during a time of my life when I wanted to achieve some kind of balance, so I decided to use some symbols which could illustrate the kind of life I was dreaming of. I wanted to use them as a reminders and also as a way to attract it

Hearts were my way to say that I deserved love and I wouldn´t permit any abusive behavior. At that moment I was awaking to the reality of my life and I was dealing with serious issues about boundaries (read here if you want to know more)

As the collection has been increasing, my life has been changing. Of course, I have done many other things, but the constant presence of the hearts around me makes me remember my resolution and has acted as a "catalytic" of my responses. However, I haven´t chose this photo only because of that. This was my first idea when I looked through my November files a week ago or so, but when I came back to them, I felt another sort of connection

Lately, I´ve been dealing with family issues once again and I have felt how some of my old patterns were trying to reemerge. For a week or two -in the middle of past month- I was deeply influenced by them and I acted based on my fears and old conditionings. I simply was lost in the old, crazy, drama again and most of my family members were feeding my lack of control with their attitudes and demands. To make the things worse, my husband who works as a sort of counterweight when this happens, were working outside the country, so it took me more time to realize what I was doing. I ended up truly exhausted after my walk for those old territories. And ill (literally speaking), and damaged and disappointed and so, so sad

It´s my caretaking behavior when becomes obsessive which enables some  abuses to continue in my family. I am clear about this. I also assume my responsibility and I know that even when generally speaking abuse won´t stop (this is none of my business as it is beyond my means), I should not permit those things that directly affect me or use myself as a shield to prevent abuse against others. But to be honest, sometimes I can´t help doing it

I am tired of the whole matter, in particular after this last round. I still have to struggle against relapses and against others expectations and their pretentions and this is consuming my energy.  I know that I have walked a long path and I feel that I am able to keep the balance and avoid chaos but I would like not to feel this way never again 

I would love to be more steadfast in the love for my self and this is what I felt when I saw this photo. I have accepted that is me who makes decisions about my own life, but I still have to appreciate my own integrity (physical and emotionally speaking) a bit more

PS: When I talk about my family here I am referring to my family of origing