|trying to find the center|
On Monday I published a post. I was very happy with it, till I started to feel unhappy with the photo. I saw it blurry and dull and not very appealing (even the polka dot placemat that I love looked like awful). I wasn´t content and I couldn´t stand up the sense of failure. So I started to go through the whole (old) process again
I had many things to do and even so I spent pretty long time trying to fix it. It was distressing, because every new attempt was not making the photo a lot better..
I cursed when I started to feel unable to move. I could be finishing my work or having a coffee or talking to a friend or enjoying a book or brushing the cats but there I was, struggling with that photo. I was detecting invisible mistakes and making them bigger and bigger even when I knew deep inside that maybe it was not the best photo I had published, but wasn´t too bad, either. And supposing it was, this wouldn´t be a tragedy.
I cursed when started to feel stupid but instead of persisting with that mad attitude (as I used to do time ago), I put on my sneakers and went for a walk
I cursed when I started to sense the fresh wind because I had wasted all that precious time and I was tempted to feel guilty (my need to complicate things has not limits, I know...) but frustration doesn´t survive a beautiful evening and invigorating trek
While I was walking last evening, I realized that now I have the necessary ability and knowledge to deal with this kind of situation successfully. I can stop and indentify my cognitive biases
But I also had to admit that lately I´ve been feeling fed up with this still happening to me and judging myself harshly because I am not able to make it disappears. I understood that I´ve been trying to let go my perfectionism perfectly and feeling bad because as a perfectionist in recovery I should not have these feelings, I should be less demanding...
What a paradox!, I don´t even know if this makes any sense. Anyway, after this tiny crisis, I am determined keep up with my process, no matter what can come out. Whatever feelings or behaviors I may have, I will stay present and won´t be so strict with myself
In short, this experience reminded me that we move forward only when we accept and stay deeply rooted in our own reality
here: the feet that led me out of my mind. I am so grateful for them
this or that thursday: walking and learning