DAY 607

relapses and reminders

Since I started this journey, every August I go through the same process.  Before the beginning  of holiday, I prepare a list of how to use well my free days in order to achieve all the goals that I have set aside the rest of the year. These lists are more intrincate every passing year and include goals that have to do with personal projects which cannot be developed while teaching at university, not only because my work is complex  (or I can be prone to procrastinate), but because they demand a state of mind that is not compatible with preparing classes, attending meeting, checking papers and so on. But as soon as I try to do it, I feel just exhausted.  

This  month hasn’t been a exception.  I have been the last ten days (in particular, since Monday)  struggling against this, trying to overcome it  by allowing myself to rest and feeling guilty at  the same  time.  Finally, I realized that I’ve been playing this same role at least during the last three or four years maybe because every single time, I  have forgot to include in my list things that have to do with making a pause. And  also that every single year my wiser self forces me to make such pause  some way or another.

Retrospectively I see that I could have been happier those days just by accepting my situation  and by acting accordingly.  This would have happened if  I would have been able to stop making (or trying to make),  and mainly if I would have been able to stop expecting, longing or  rejecting. Obviously, there is nothing I can do regarding the past days, but I am determined  (once again) to approach the following weeks more consciously… just because I know I can do it.

Yesterday, while  I was thinking of  writing this post, I came across this photo of a page of my journal. While looking at it, I became aware of  all the strategies I have developed  along my  life in order to keep that conscious approach,  and wondered why it becomes so difficult sometimes, and in particular every August. I came to the conclusion that the end of academic course  (and any other  stressing  situation) seems to be a good moment   for the perfectionist inside me to arise and generate all sort of expectations without taking into account my needs. Once I realized that everything fits into place.  

Today,  I am  feeling  how my energy is returning and I am sure that soon I will feel ready to do  what I had planned.  And even when I am  also sure that I still have to deal with this biased perspective which was developed as a response to  circumstances of my early life, there  is hope in my heart. 

Probably, because now  I don’t try to mend my actions (or reactions), I just accept them and keep going, trusting that I will manage to reach my destiny. 

I hope you are having an easy summer, dear friends.

Much Love



Maery Rose said...

It seems like this year more than ever, I have felt like you have described here. It has been difficult to accept that maybe I need to just let go and allow myself the rest my mind and body seem to want right now. It sure isn't easy though when I worry that there isn't enough time to rest!

I think that the work you've been doing on Instagram is wonderful! I relate so much to what you write and love the images. I look forward to seeing what you've posted there each day.

Kellie Heath said...

A lovely, thoughtful post! I have a similar lifelong pattern with perfectionism. Just letting go of many expectations at the beginning of the summer (partly at the prompting of a counselor) was so healing, freeing, and energizing. I would not have imagined I could let go of those plans, but they made room for a new spark of energy and joy. Looking back, I am so thankful, because I can't imagine having gone on the planned route. It is encouraging to see how you are continually learning, growing, refining,and healing. Thank you for sharing your journey. Love to you, Zena.

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