DAY 587

in {and out} Week 22: Heat

The heat started this year the same day she passed away or at least, this is my perception. Along the previous months, every time I was thinking about that possibility, I felt the heat. I don't know exactly why... maybe due to the diagnose, maybe because deep inside I knew she wouldn't live too much, 
maybe because regardless of all those facts, I had the hope that she would be able to live the first months of the summer, that I would be able to enjoy her company a few weeks more.

But my dear, dear, friend crossed to the other side of this existence a few days before the season would have officially started. That same day I felt a real heat and it was a foretaste of the solstice that was coming... the first solstice without her presence here.

I was not ready to start a new summer, not after all the things I have had to live this first semester of the year, not after losing most of the certainties I used to have. Not after having relinquished to the old sense of continuity. Not without this so loved friend (and the another sweet friend I lost at the beginning of the year and my precious cat who left me less than two months ago).

I was angry with the blue sky that shined brighter than ever before just the day after I had to say goodbye. World, people and in particular, this planet seemed so impassive to me!. She was not here anymore, but the heat continued its relentless progress and I felt it was detestable.

However, one morning I woke up very early. The day was starting and it was quite fresh and after opening the kitchen's window I paid attention (for the very first time in days) to the big firmament and I felt amazed. I forgot my pain for a second, I understood life and death from the viewpoint of this old mother earth and I felt released. I appreciated the pristine atmosphere and I thought of my dear friend who would have liked to delight in a morning like that once more time. I took a deep breathe and smiled for a second.

I know she had to go. I know it was the right moment (if this moment exists) because she couldn't keep living in so much pain (and she didn't want to). I had the incredible privilege of meeting her (I was only twenty five years old back then) and of having gone with her along her illness and I am thankful for this but I am going to miss her wonderful soul my whole life.

I still cry a lot but from that moment in front of the kitchen's window I have started to remember all the beautiful things we lived together...  and to reconcile with the heat, with myself and my presence here.

This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 


Anonymous said...

a beautiful tribute...

Unknown said...

Dear Zena, I never know what to write in moments when we loose somebody, I just feel that shared sadness and loss. and I feel it with you. Beautifully written post, statement of your feelings and heat...If we believe that we are all energy, she has just changed a form of it, because we are eternal spirits. Much love to you.
p.s great photograph.

Teteel said...

Υour friend will be always with you.
Keep all the good, beautiful things you shared and lived together.
Your precious 25 years of friendship.
-i like the way you express your feelings,your thoughts -
Be well.

Donna@LivingFromHappiness said...

Zena these losses seem impossible to bear and I am glad you are finding some solace.

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