15.9.13

DAY 365+106

finite infinitude

Morning. Pure light. The aroma of baby cologne... 


Mum is doing her homework, she still loves mathematics. She recites the multiplication table as we used to do when we were at school. My brother is practicing calligraphy. They were reluctant to start but now they are joking and smiling. I have had to make hard decisions to keep them at home, but after a whole year of my brother´s accident, they are still here and finally they have the adequate caregivers and seem to be happy with their circumstances.

A day like this, but one year ago, when I received the phone call telling me about my brother´s accident I went into panic. They had lived together all their lives but I couldn´t imagine how this could keep being viable without his help. He is a disabled person but also had been the support of my mother since she started to reveal the signs of age and her dependency increased. But I have managed to do it, to make possible what seemed impossible.

However, this has been probably one of the hardest years of my life and not only due to the responsibilities that I have assumed by supervising all their needs, something that I have always done. Many days I have felt devastated and frustrated because this has forced me to deal with the ageing and death issues. Something that, obviously, I was not ready to do.

I´ve been angry. Very angry, to be honest. And so very sad. After all the inner work (when I was starting to understand what this life of mine was about and starting to love the person that I had started to be) I had to admit that time and love could be infinite but this concrete life, this concrete self, was finite and I found it unfair (yes, I know).

But let me tell you that two months ago or so, I saw light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing had really changed but I felt some kind of acceptance and acquiescence. I came to the conclusion that time is a continuum made of incessant moments; fleeting moments that last only an instant and contain the essence of the whole universe. Chaotic moments, tranquil moments, unexpected moments, that won´t be eternal but will merge into eternity. I understood also, that love is vast and endless but exists in the daily proofs of affection, in the unlimited acts of everyday kindness.

I decided that I am not going to miss any other of those countless moments because I am guessing what tomorrow will bring or grieving for what I have lost. I am not going to miss any other opportunity to show boundless love.

Morning. Pure light. The aroma of baby cologne...

They laugh at their own jokes and pretend to be my students. I pretend to be their teacher. I take my camera to capture the moment and I glimpse a flash of joy inside me.

Cross-posted at Vision and Verb on Friday. Many other women share their passion for creativity and words there, please visit us, it is a wonderful site

There you will find also a Card Shoppe. For every greeting card sold, the profit will accrue in allotments of $25 each to be given as loans to men and women around the world who are starting their own businesses. We have chosen the non-profit organization KIVA as the conduit for our giving back

You can send a love note to a friend and make a difference in the world

7 comments:

Kimberley McGill said...

Beautiful, true. And the picture captures all of it

Diane said...

This is beautiful, what you have written about acceptance...and so hard. Thank you for sharing, it has helped me this morning as I struggle with my mom's care issues.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

You've had a rough year. But I find it inspiring that you can see the light :)

Jeanne said...

Sounds as if your year has been difficult, but so glad that you have come to the realization that this is life, and to quit letting this time hold you down from joy. Always helps to try your best to live in the moment, and make every effort to love the moments that you are living. Not always so easy to do....

Aga Gasiniak said...

Dear Zena, thank you for sharing these thoughts and moments in your post. they truly are healing moments. I love to read about your mum, maybe because she reminds me about my parents. Gorgeous photograph and I love that red on it. Big hug to you. I am wondering how autumn looks in place where you live...

Beverley Baird said...

This must have been a very difficult post to write. When we see our parents age and lose so much of who they were, it is so hard. My Mom passed away 5 years ago and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her. You sound like you are in a better place which will definitely help you. May there be healing for all.

DoodleDesign said...

All the best to you...

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